Should I ask my new bff if she's flirting with me?

[SolderSity]

I don't know if this is a situation which calls for blunt honesty, or for letting sleeping dogs lie.

I got chatting to this woman through a mutual acquaintance a few months ago, and we ended up arranging to take the kids out together. We get on very well, as do the kids, so we've met up again. And again. And again.

It's a nice thing - but I've become a bit concious of how intense the friendship has got - both in the frequency/length of interactions and the range/depth of conversation. If she was a man - I would have backed off a long way back out of respect for DH.

I have a sense that she's maybe in a more fragile place than me - so I want to make sure I don't end up somehow hurting her.

Should I
a) consciously cool the friendship for no outward reason
b) have a hideously embarrassing conversation
c) keep on with the new-best-mates schtick and hope it'll settle into a great long term friendship with a lovely person

This is such an interesting thread for me because I have AS and I've never had proper friends. I just never had friends who would have ever helped me when I needed them. But lately I've developed some proper friendships and it does feel different. Good, but different.

The problem with men is that if they're taking an interest in you its almost always because they fancy you. Men aren't interested in being just friends with a woman usually (not always but generally). I had a male friend for years who I thought really cared for me as a friend and then suddenly he threw all his toys out of the pram and flipped on me. Basically because he wanted to have sex with me. I was really hurt.

If the gender was male - would you not step back and ask why someone was suddenly so motivated to wipe down your kitchen table while you're upstairs sorting laundry, do puzzles with your DC, hang out into the night chatting?

Had she eaten at that kitchen table too? I would think nothing of helping to clear up at a friend's house after a meal (it's good manners) or hanging out with their dc.

I can't quite get to the 'problem' here, in other words, what is it that you want to change in this situation.

Your husband is out a lot, til 10-11 at night, so you are on your own with the children, she is a single mum who is also on her own with her child- you have a great time, share a bottle of wine and then she says 'let's do this again next week'.

It all sounds normal, if quite intense, so what would you like to change about it? You say she is the vulnerable one, but it is you with a crush on her, not the other way around.

I think it's a case of intensity and not flirting.

There's absolutely nothing flirty about her behaviour. On reading the thread title I thought she'd have done stuff like complementing your looks/clothes/hair etc excessively or your body or been brushing up close to you or being a bit tactile with you.

But all you've said sounds like a woman who might be a bit lonely and wants a friend for herself and her DC. I often suggest making friends when mums (often single mums) talk about loneliness, as they have no partner and miss adult company.

I suggest they try and make friends with tge school mums/attend toddler groups and similar places to find other mums to form friendships with and I also mention that should they later need babysitting they could help each other out, as they have no family support locally to look after the DCs.

BTW it's not comparible to say it would be different if it was a man. I would not have a single male friend in my house when my DH wasn't there. I would not expect him to have a single female friend over if I wasn't there either.

I'd think a single woman hanging out with my DH helping with the kids and wiping down surfaces was trying to replace me quite frankly. No other woman has any business being in my kitchen like that in my absence, unless I've employed a cleaner.

What an odd thread

I think your friend sounds lovely tbh & no, there is nothing in what you describe that could be taken as flirting, I find it quite odd that you would think that's what this woman is doing.

She just sounds like someone you have really clicked with, it's a great thing! Nothing you have described sounds like flirting. For god's sake don't have a chat with her about it, it'll be awkward as fuck and you'll look weird!

It's a bit odd that you only see your closest friends for two hours once a month!

I have thoughtful kind friends and activities always evolve - weekends in the city, going to Zumba/yoga classes together, hanging out at the park eating pizza, late nights intense discussions with wine and walking the dogs together. They enrich my life a lot.

I used to see my closest friends for 2 hours a month too. It was one of the things that made me realise I'm on the spectrum! (Not saying you are op btw!)

Now I've found someone who I can be with without feeling drained. It's the nicest feeling - I didn't think I ever would.

Sounds like my friendship with my best friends. Nothing romantic at all. Cherish it! (Female friends)

I'd identify myself as straight - but all women are a bit bi- aren't they?

Nope. I once had a BF who believed this clap-trap. I'm sure it's a male fantasy, but it's utter rubbish. I am straight and the thought of doing anything remotely sexual with another woman makes me want to VOM.

Of course she clears up when you put kids to bed - that's just good manners.

Anyway, that aside, you clearly are Bi, and for that reason I think you have to watch your step around her. If anything happens (which I doubt, as she's most likely not Bi), then it is still cheating, regardless of the fact she is not male.

Personally I would be very wary of someone who gets so close, so quickly. I've had 2 female friends like this, and they both turned out to be incredibly needy and a bit unhinged so in the end I had to go NC with both of them, they were draining!

FWIW - I am definitely on the spectrum - I suspect she is too - my DC is diagnosed ASD - her one is 'in the system' being assessed.

you clearly are Bi, and for that reason I think you have to watch your step

Eh? I'm not bisexual. I know because I've tried! It would be better for me to be lesbian - I find women easier to love than men, in general - but my body disagrees.

Everybody's different: my experience of close same-sex friendships feels a lot like a crush. I'm fine with this; I like it. Doesn't mean I want to shag them.