Any single mums living with their parents?

[tommysmama]

I am a single mum with my 2yo DS. When me and his dad split up i went to live with my parents as ex is irish and had no family here to stay with so i had to be the one to move out.

As i work full time nights, i cant live on my own and so me and DS have to stay with my parents.

I hate it, they are briliant and so helpful, but sometimes to the point where i feel not in control of the decisions about DS. They are constantly telling me what to do and commenting on my decisions.

EG if DS does something i disapprove of, i will give him a row and sometimes my parents will say dont give him a row for that.. or they'll give him a row for something that i think is okay.

Also, they wont allow me to do 'adult' things (the whole 'not under my roof' situation) like bringing men home to stay the night (not that i'd do that a lot!), and i smoke but they disapprove so out of respect i wont go outside for a cigarette, and obv i dont smoke in the house, which is mnaking me extremely crabby.. i've been a smoker for ten years, need my nicotine!

I cant see any way out as if i quit work ill have no money to pay rent, but if i keep working i cant live on my own cos you cant get nightime childcare!

Is anyone else in this situation? Or any advice? i just feel stuck.

Oh sweetie, what a pickle! I understand how this must be getting you down, is your job one in which you could change to day shifts? What about the father of your ds, could he watch him whilst you work? Or could you get your own place and still have your parents babysit for you while you go to work, and pick him up when you finish?

I lived with my mum for the first 7 months of Ds's life.
I smoked outside as well, not just out of respect but for my son's health.
I know only smoke at the back door of my own house, keeps the house nice and fresh for the wee man.
Just start looking for another job, or as Lwatkins suggest, can't you drop him off/pick him up at your parents on the way to and from work?
Oh and my PND seemed to virtually disappear overnight after I left my mums yes its tough staying with parents!
You know they can't help themselves with the whole interfering with your parenting, mines was the same, drove me nuts but its inevitable.
Time to get your own place!

i seperate from DP when I was pregnant with my dd and ds was2yr. It saved me but was very confusing and difficult.

I look back at it as a very sad time, but it seemed okay when I was there.

also suffered from depression and it became a lot easier when I left. I think your head has a hard time maintaining relationships as a child and as a mother 24hrs a day.

Hi there
Myself and my 2 Dc (3 and 6) are living with my parents at the moment,and have been since I split with ex 2 1/2 years ago.We are on all the housing lists imaginable around here but are still waiting.
My parents have also been really great and supportive but I understand and agree with you not feeling in control,and dimpledthighs post about the relationship of being a mother and a child at the same time.It's been sometimes great and sometimes incredibly hard living here,lol,I too am a smoker(we've had a few disagreements about that,lol).
It's been harder for the past few months as my daughter's just been diagnosed with a medical problem(not serious) and my fathers currently undergoing treatment for cancer and heart problems.
It's hard not having any privacy,not being able to set proper rules for the dc,(I too have my parents interfering ) etc but I do understand it hard for my parents too,I really appreciate all they've done for us and will be eternally grateful.
My parents have found it hard as instead of just having a 'grandparent' role with my dc,now feel they've taken on a parental role,and I know my mum especially is very sad that she feels she's lost that special 'grandparent' bond with them.
Hopefully there is light at the end of the tunnel for me,lol,as I'm hoping to rent a place within the next couple of months and those bonds can be remade.
Don't offer much advice I'm afraid but just wanted to let you know there's someone in the same situation.

Is there any possibility of you maybe renting somewhere near-by but your parents having Ds the nights you work?

Hope your situation improves ,and when things get you down come and find this thread and we can support each other

the smoking thing - personally i would not smoke in the house if i had children anyway.

the rest of it i know how you feel. i live with my parents and my mum always does things i disapprove of but i feel as she looks after ds when i need her to and its her house i can't really say anything.

examples of such things are: i don't sterilise and never have. she went out and bought some fancy £60 steriliser and whenever my back is turned she has sterilise his bottles and made them up.

i make my own baby food, she insists on buying him jars and giving him them when she looks after him.

i use reusables. she goes out and buys disposables to use when she looks after him. (was actually going to start a thread about this today)

she lets him sit and watch tv, i don't.

i bathe ds once a week in just water and sometimes a bar of soap.

she will try and bath him every day in some concotion of baby bath shampoo talc oil and lotion.

the list could go on...

I lived with my parents from DS birth until he was 6 months old: due to major financial problems and my flat being too small/cold. I was packing my stuff and stripping the place to sell it: once that was done I found a new home for the pair of us.
It was difficult - I was 39 when I got pg and it felt very strange to be back in a sort of 'child' position at that age. Also, mum and I didn't always agree about nappies, food etc though she was pretty good about letting me do most of it my way.
The main thing that made it bearable was knowing it wouldn't be for that long: the minute I banked the cheque for the sale of the flat I was off looking for our new home.
Best of luck tommysmama. Agree with other posters that it might be worth getting a place to live near your parents and asking them to babysit DS at night - would work even better if your relationship with XP is amicable enough for him to have DS some nights.

Thanks everyone for your help.

I cant get my own place as i work 5 nights a week from 6pm til 3am so picking him up after work is not an option. I tried having them babysit while i worked for a while, but what it basically came to was DS living with my parents and me living alone. I spent a few weeks only seeing him for a couple of hours a day so i had to move back home!

I know i could get a new job but what i do is what i love, and i have been doing it since i was 18 and have no experience in anything else! i dont want to give up my whole career and years of hard work..

His dad has him for 2 nights every week, he is in the same line of work as me (thats how we met!) so he cant really help out with babysitting any other nights.

Oh - on the smoking thing, i would NEVER smoke in the house, i just feel like i should be able to go outside and have a cigarette, i am an adult and feel like a child living with my parents, being told what to do. I think it is made worse by the fact that i moved out of home when i was 18 and so am very used to independent living!

i just feel lonely and trapped and i guess its nice to know im not the only one.. I often find people think of me as some young single parent cos i live at home with my parents, and i dont like to be judged for making the decision to be a working mother, and my work happens to be at night!

oh right i misunderstood. thought you meant your parents made you go outside to smoke but if they won't even let you do that!

SNAP !!!

Are you me????

I've DS 2, I'm 27 and I've been living at home for a year now!

I've just got a job which is helping me feel less stressed, but Like you I cant see any advantage to moving out- only to spend most of my time bringing DS backto see them.

Re adult things - I've always been able to come and go as I please at home -so Whn I moved back I just continuerd with how it was when I left for uni!!! eg I've just met a new bloke and he came over to watch a DVD. In the morning mum asked when he had gone home - I just said he hasn't!

If the arrangement is that you live there like its your house too, then maybe a chat to establish ground rules is needed.

I'm extremely fortunate to know that I can say tonight "Tiny is in bed, I'm off out", one of the perks to being at home, and if I know that 80% of the time I'm bringing himup how I want then what they do re: TV and treat is ok too.

Just read your OP - it's not that they stop you from smoking outside - you just don't out of respect! =- perghaps you need to say - "this is what I need to do - do you object"?!

Thats kind of my problem, thay are so good and do SO much of DS care that i feel like i am being a total bitch to complain.

EG i can go out whenever I want and they rarely complain, they dont wake me in the morning instead they get up with DS and get him ready and take him to his childminders or at weekends look afer him themselves, until i wake up. They do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, everything. I dont have to do anything, nor do i pay any rent!

I know this seems like a great setup, but i am unhappy. Am i just being really selfish and ungrateful? I just want to be treated like an adult! I feel like i cant make decisions about DS as they just do things without consulting me and when i complain about it they use the 'well we spend more time with him than you do' thing and i HATE it.

I cant see how i can ever move out and its really getting me down.

No you're not being selfish and ungrateful!

Its really disempowering to live like that. I've been unemployed for the last year and combined with that, living at home and feeling down about having DS - It hasn't been too great for my selfesteem.

My biggest fear is how would I manage on my own.

Well, financially - undoubtably be a struggle to go from rent free to market rates. So now i've got a job I'm paying mum - but if she didn;t want to accept it I would ask her to put it in a savings account - atleast its a way of building up a deposit for if I do move out! Maybe that would help you feel better?? maybe not your wallet! but would you feel stronger knowing that you contribute to the household financially?

I also made myself become responsible for cooking most nights especially while I was unemployed.

I know if I moved out I would be round with Tiny every night anyway, so I cant see the difference it makes to me.

The hardest thing really is not feeling like a parent- and in someways still feeling like a child beng at home - but half my battle with that is what other people think of it. I know my parents love me enoughto have me move back in - and I'm sensible enough to know that that the likely alternative was breakdown city for me, unhappy childhood for tiny, and massive debt if I tried to go it alone when I split up with DS dad.

Dont underestimate the pressure that your situation puts you under, HOWEVER, think what the alternative is like and decide what you need to do to keep the best balabnce for you!

And dont worry about sounding ungreatful - no matter what a persons life is like i'm sure even a megabucks mansion living person could find something to moan about!

CAT me or hunt for my email in FOr Sale if you want to chat more - I think we have alot in common finding ourselves in a quite unique situation

bump

Just wondering if there is anyone else excepy me and ipodthereforeipoor!!

Also ipod - did you get my email?

sorry meant to say i've had a name change!

you forgot me!

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think you are being a bit selfish and ungrateful. It sounds like they do an awful lot for you and your son. You have moved straight back into the role of child rather than mother:

"i can go out whenever I want and they rarely complain, they dont wake me in the morning instead they get up with DS and get him ready and take him to his childminders or at weekends look afer him themselves, until i wake up. They do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, everything. I dont have to do anything, nor do i pay any rent!"

Sounds like you need to re-establish who you are and start to behave like an adult and your son's mother. If you were to start paying rent then it would also give you some say in what is done in the house.

Quite frankly if you were my daughter and moved back like this I would expect you to abide by my rules as well!

Having said all this, it does sound like you're in a bit of a no-win situation with your job and exp's job. Is there no way you can change your hours, because I can quite understand you wouldn't want to change your job.

What is your financial situation if you carry on working full time? Could you afford an au pair (or even a live-in nanny?)

Oh god no! I have a good job but nowhere near earning enough to pay an au pair or live i nanny. I have a childminder 2 days a week and can only just afford that!

I have offered to pay rent but they wont take it and to be honest, i would rather keep it and put it into savings anyway, which is what i do.

I have not intentionally moved back into the role of 'child rather than mother' but this is how i am treated. I dont know how to combat it, as i think parents will always treat their children like children, no matter how old they are!

I can really chage my hours as i am a Bar Manager so changing to daytime work is not an option!

I dont want to appear selfish and ungrateful, i know they do a lot for me and of course i will always be rateful for that, but at the same time i feel kind of forced into it..

PS - Sorry nappyaddict!!

bassmama i know where you are coming from. living with my parents is really getting me down and i am looking for flats as we speak. i feel i don't get any say in how i bring ds up, no matter what i tell my mum she does it her way anyway. i feel i can't really say anything to her cos of how much she does for us.

Exactly. I sound ungrateful if i complain, but at the end of the day he is my son and I should be allowed to make all the decisions regarding his upbringing regardless of where I am living!

I Just dont see any way out.

Tommysmama, I do know where you're coming from to an extent because I live with my parents (and my 3.5 year old ds) and have done for almost 3 years now [shock}. I do sympathise with how hard it can be sometimes - the lack of privacy and the difficulties with maintaining your role as your child's mother and rulemaker, etc. Believe me, I've been there.

However, I also agree with every word of BecauseI'mWorthIt's post. I know you're probably just having a bit of a whinge, but you do sound rather childish and ungrateful tbh. You need to start paying a bit of rent and contributing more around the house, because it sounds like they do a hell of a lot for you. I'm a fulltime student and manage on a tiny bursary every month but I still make sure I pay rent because I'd be embarrassed not to. Same goes for cooking and cleaning, etc. If you want to be treated like a grown-up, you have to act like one. At the moment you sound like a sulky teen

I do honestly sympathise, but it's give and take in this situation. I dream of the day I can find a place for ds and me, can come and go as I please, can have men back for the night , can have my own food in the fridge, sole control of the remote, etc! But this is how things are right now and I try to be grateful for what I've whilst looking to the future and remembering that nothing stays the same forever.

Just out of interest - why can you not work during the day? There are plenty of bars open during daylight hours where I live

Thanks Snaf,

There are not a lot of bars who will employ a manager to work solely during the day! I actually looked into this a while back as i have a lot of contacts in the city but i would still need to do at the VERY least one weekend night, and as a manager obviously would be expected to cover any required shifts.

I appreciate what your saying, but i think you might have misunderstood a little. Its not that i dont bother, or dont offer to cook, clean etc.. its just that my mother does it all. They have a cleaner so the house is always immaculate. I have offered to help, every day i offer, but she says i dont do things to her standard so just not to bother. (she says it in a nice way, typing it out like that sounds a little harsh!) She will come into my room and DS room and pick up dirty clothes while we are asleep or out. I really sont get the chance!

And on the subject of money, my parents are very well off and point blank REFUSE to take money from me. Instead they suggested i set up a savings account for DS and I and put the money I would have paid them into that, which i do every week.

I do buy food, but really i only do it to make a point that i can.. often it goes to waste as the fridge is always FULL in the house.

As I said, i am not ungrateful, i just dont know what else to do.

Fair enough. I really don't mean to sound harsh. It does sound as if you're in a tricky situation and I know that it can be very bad for one's self-esteem. (Fwiw, my parents also refuse to take my money but I pay a nominal rent into their account every month - I told them it's for my benefit, not theirs, and wouldn't take no for an answer! )

Your job seems to be the main problem here, in that case. I understand what you're saying about shift requirements - I work shifts including nights as a (student) midwife - but there must be alternatives to the set-up you have now. Between you, ds's father and your parents would you not be able to sort out covering a couple of night shifts a week, for example? I know that wouldn't necessarily solve the problem of last-minute cover but it might be worth looking into again.

The point is that if it's making you unhappy it has to change - even if that means a slight change of direction career-wise? Anyway, best of luck and I do sympathise - I am constantly gritting my teeth and praying for a lottery win!

A lottery win would solve the problem!

I did try living away from home, and doing a few more dayshifts - unfortunately i found that DS was basically staying with my parents all weekend as realistically i do have to work nights over the weekend. TBH i actually work double shifts, days and nights, over weekends to free up an extra day in the week.

As his dad takes him 2 nights a week, i was literally waking up to an empty house 5 nights a week. I could have carried on with that as it gave me my independence, but i was missing ds FAR too much.

A total change of career is an option that i really dont want to take - i explained why earlier in the thread. Its taken me a long time to get where i am and TBH this industry doesnt last forever! You have to be young, fit, able to work 20 hour shifts and good looking to get jobs managing the decent places. Very harsh but unfortunately true. I have friends who are more qualified and experienced than me but slightly lacking in the looks department who cant get a job in a well paying bar, and are stuck in the lower end pubs and clubs where image is not as important.. Its a fickle world. So if i put it on hold for a few years i am likely to find that i wont get 'back in' IYKWIM.

I wish there was a better option.

could you afford a nanny?maybe out of the money you have been saving?

when you work nights what hours are they? 6 - 3am?