Parents in dire straits

[LadyofDunedin]

I have written about this before, to vent my frustration and anxiety about my parents future.

Without drip feeding, they've (my DF) has got themselves into a financial mess. I say DF as he has protected DM from the extent (although I should add I'm annoyed DM has never questioned anything and only now is begging to see)..

Basically, they've lived outwith their means for what appears most of their lives. Beautiful home (perfectly affordable mortgage, but they lent on it until the cows came home), cars, holidays, always ripping out things and replacing. Many years about I did wonder where the money came from; both modest jobs in government. Whilst well paid, modest in means.

I suppose I'm writing mainly in anger, to vent. They would have never stopped lending had the bank not pulled the plug. They now have a huge consolidation loan from the same bank that kept lending them. The bank want the house. DF buries his head in the sand. I begged him 3 years ago to get independent financial advice, but no. The same bank he allowed to strangle him them, will do so now. His pride is in he way.

I feel sad about their future. They should be comfortable, instead, they (I suspect) have to sell the house. More worryingly, it's been on the market for 7 months with no chance of that to change anytime soon.

Even selling the house will not enable them to buy again mortgage free. Although DF thinks selling it a solution, it's back to square one and still lending on a mortgage, albeit less. I wonder what the hell they will end up in.

Tonight I tried to talk to DF, he shuts me down, won't take my thoughts on how they can maybe sell the house quicker.

The situation just seems so desperate. DF's car recently needed£1500 of repair work (he doesn't look after anything, neither of them do), he didn't have the money. He sold it to we buy any car for 1/3 of its value. Moreover, he gave almost all the money to the solicitor who are frankly pathetically hopeless at marketing the house. What's even more annoying is my parents' inability to question the service and just pay it anyway in the vain hope the house will sell.

I wish I didn't feel so permanently anxious about this. I feel like they're barely living, constantly stressed, angry, and yet they've enabled this situation.

There is no will or no financial security for either of them should anything happen. Everything is gone.

I really don't know what more I can do. I'm terrified their home will be repossessed and of the implications of that for them both. That said, I feel my anger at them both rising daily for the gravity of the situation and how desperate they've let it become.

:-(

What can I do?

I don't think that is what she is saying at all.

I'd say the monthly church donations speak more of financial irresponsibility than the constant loans. If they're still doing that whilst in so much debt then I think they're past help tbh.

Ignore the fuckwits.

I completely understand your angst as I've had 20 years of this from my mum making ill advised choices which resulted in her getting into considerable debt numerous times but was foreseeable by anyone else looking in.

I've helped her out numerous times and she came into money twice which cleared her debts but still didn't teach her not to get in debt again.

So now I've stepped back, not subsidised or enabled any more and am only asking her if she's planned for the shortfall when her endowment ends and the remortgage as she's been on interest only and is due to retire in 18 months. Instead she's cashed in pensions and been spending on doing up the house she can't afford to own in 2018

She also ran up secret debts twice when married to my dad. Ive told her I can't help anymore as my priority is putting my DD through university.

It's actually been harder to step back and watch this slow motion car crash and I'm more stressed by stepping back then I was when I helped out. It can't continue though so I need to hold firm no matter how angry/upset/stressed I feel in doing so.

I've helped her out numerous times and she came into money twice which cleared her debts but still didn't teach her not to get in debt again

Which made you part of the problem. The rest of your post is just agreeing with the "fuckwits", which I guess makes you one.

Oh yes, I was definitely was part of the problem because I love my mum and didn't want her to be in debt if I could save her from that and hoped that she'd learn from her past mistakes. If she had if learnt, I would have been part of the solution...it may have worked and I would have been callous not to have at least tried.

As I said in my post, it didn't work and I enabled her behaviour. Mind you, thinking about it my dad didn't know about her debts so he didn't enable her but that made no difference. I truly had hoped she'd change her ways because we talked through her issues towards money and she was embarrassed by me needing to bail her out. I gave up after that knowing I had exhausted all avenues.

My fuckwit accusations are to those who post without any clue that they understand how it feels to stand by and watch when your parents are struggling and you feel like you are failing them.

It's not easy to watch and even harder to step back. Those of us who have been through this will understand this and so my priority is in helping the OP to understand that she's not alone in feeling conflicted.

Fuckwits lack the ability to post with empathy and consider the feelings involved, instead seeing things in black and white. Interestingly they'll indentify with the general accusation and post in an attempt to wound.

well put Joysmum.

You're lovely, joys mum. That sums up exactly this thread. As a daughter you can't do right for doing wrong, but you can only care and do your best.

Clearly the op's parents are irresponsible with money and they are going to suffer with financial problems forever if they don't get a grip.

However, it is also fair to say that op is a leeeetel bit obsessed with how much she is "missing out on" because her parents aren't in a financial position to bail her out/gift her random bits of money/leave a lot in a will.

It is there to read in black and white, in nearly all of her posts on this thread.

My opinion is: don't expect to be given money by your parents when you are an adult.

I can see your concerns and don't feel you have entitlement.

Let your parents make their own way, my mum gave up the family home in her late 50s and downsized so she had cash to live.It was actually the best solution for her but at the time we were all convinced it would be a disaster.

Trust that they will get through this, let go of your expectations and your understandable disappointment at them.
They have their health and in 5 years the situation will be different/better/same.Your worry will not change it.

Dh's dad is a financial nightmare, still working at nearly 80 because he squandered everything despite inheriting a fortune.He has not given dh a penny since dh was about 14.
Recently the dad was in hospital and said he was stressed about money, dh & I agreed to give him a few months rent to help.It went on new camera equipment! Never again will we help, he will cope as he has always lived like that.

I think many of us reach the stage where we find the roles reversed somewhat, we become the parents and the parents become more dependent on us.

With having a parent who is irresponsible with money, this roke reversal came when I was in my mid 20's and my mum mid 40's. This was far sooner than I expected, and back then I lacked the experience to be anything other than a financial prop.

It's only as I've got order I've had more emotional maturity to learn how to step back and cope with the sense of guilt I've felt in doing so. In addition I've learnt to ask questions so I know my mum understood what her actions would do but chose to do so anyway. I knew then that nothing would change.

I'm so glad there are people on the thread that can relate. That's what happens, a thread begins and so many others benefit from the points raised. Thank you to the non-fuckwits for sharing their experiences, as I've never met anyone in real life who can relate.