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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Parents in dire straits

115 replies

LadyofDunedin · 11/07/2016 00:50

I have written about this before, to vent my frustration and anxiety about my parents future.

Without drip feeding, they've (my DF) has got themselves into a financial mess. I say DF as he has protected DM from the extent (although I should add I'm annoyed DM has never questioned anything and only now is begging to see)..

Basically, they've lived outwith their means for what appears most of their lives. Beautiful home (perfectly affordable mortgage, but they lent on it until the cows came home), cars, holidays, always ripping out things and replacing. Many years about I did wonder where the money came from; both modest jobs in government. Whilst well paid, modest in means.

I suppose I'm writing mainly in anger, to vent. They would have never stopped lending had the bank not pulled the plug. They now have a huge consolidation loan from the same bank that kept lending them. The bank want the house. DF buries his head in the sand. I begged him 3 years ago to get independent financial advice, but no. The same bank he allowed to strangle him them, will do so now. His pride is in he way.

I feel sad about their future. They should be comfortable, instead, they (I suspect) have to sell the house. More worryingly, it's been on the market for 7 months with no chance of that to change anytime soon.

Even selling the house will not enable them to buy again mortgage free. Although DF thinks selling it a solution, it's back to square one and still lending on a mortgage, albeit less. I wonder what the hell they will end up in.

Tonight I tried to talk to DF, he shuts me down, won't take my thoughts on how they can maybe sell the house quicker.

The situation just seems so desperate. DF's car recently needed£1500 of repair work (he doesn't look after anything, neither of them do), he didn't have the money. He sold it to we buy any car for 1/3 of its value. Moreover, he gave almost all the money to the solicitor who are frankly pathetically hopeless at marketing the house. What's even more annoying is my parents' inability to question the service and just pay it anyway in the vain hope the house will sell.

I wish I didn't feel so permanently anxious about this. I feel like they're barely living, constantly stressed, angry, and yet they've enabled this situation.

There is no will or no financial security for either of them should anything happen. Everything is gone.

I really don't know what more I can do. I'm terrified their home will be repossessed and of the implications of that for them both. That said, I feel my anger at them both rising daily for the gravity of the situation and how desperate they've let it become.

:-(

What can I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyofDunedin · 11/07/2016 13:05

No, I think it's a little more complex than you suggest. I'm not overly involved, I'm only trying to offer help to them. Bearing in mind there's no future provision or will, this could very easily impact on me.

So while I can, I am bound to at least try to help. Not least because I care, but because it could negatively impact me in the future too. Like it hasn't already.

OP posts:
user1467101855 · 11/07/2016 13:12

But you can't force anyone to take help they don't want. And it doesn't need to affect you at all, apart from, as you keep returning to, their wills and your chances of inheritance, which frankly doesn't sound good.

Original poster
LadyofDunedin · 11/07/2016 13:19

The will is not about inheritance ffs it's about the possibility of assets been frozen in the absence of one and everything becoming my reaponsibility

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyofDunedin · 11/07/2016 13:20

Responsibility.

Frankly, you don't sound very good either OP.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 11/07/2016 13:20

AttilaTheMeerkat post hits the nail on the head, you can't make the choices about how your parents behave but you can alter how you feel about it.

If your parents don't want independent financial advise, if they don't want to change their habits of the last two to three decades they may end up in trouble and yes it's a worry and a shame - but you can't live their life for them.

You sadly may have to watch your parents struggle but moving into rented accommodation which is within their means and using capital from a house sake to clear debts may take the worry from them.

AyeAmarok · 11/07/2016 13:24

I remember your previous thread OP. Sorry to hear your parents are still making their situation worse.

Bit you really need to let go of this obsession you have with them helping you out by giving/loaning you money. It's not going to happen. Maybe it could have if they had made different decisions, maybe no matter how much they'd had they still wouldn't give you money because they expect you to stand on your own two feet.

Just let it go. It's not normal to expect parents to help fund your life when you're an adult. And they can't, so just let it go.

Original poster
LadyofDunedin · 11/07/2016 13:25

Indeed, if only they had capital to take 😂

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 11/07/2016 13:27

Who is OP ladyofdun?

ivykaty44 · 11/07/2016 13:29

Ladyofdunedun, who is OP that doesn't sound to good?

RhodaBull · 11/07/2016 13:40

Also I think you're jumping the gun a bit, OP, with the talk of wills and inheritance. The average life expectancy in UK is 81 (well, 79 if you're in Scotland) and your parents are 55! I'm sure they'll be around a lot longer to overspend wildly.

Original poster
LadyofDunedin · 11/07/2016 13:47

Let's hope so. Their parents died on average at age 58.

OP posts:
imjessie · 11/07/2016 14:16

I will also add despite my mum ( dad deceased ) having plenty of funds to help me she never has . I don't doubt for a second she will spend all her money , she earnt it and she will spend it ( her words ) I'm not even in the will . She has skipped me !!

SnotGoblin · 11/07/2016 14:31

Are you an only child OP? You know more about your parent's financial situation than I've ever known about mine and I wonder why you feel entitled to know more (or have a say in it)? It would be frustrating to watch anyone handle their money in a way that you wouldn't have chosen but if they are of sound mind etc, there is nothing for you to do here.

It really truly does sound like you are a tad miffed that they didn't pitch in fifty quid for a moving van.

user1467101855 · 11/07/2016 14:37

You're the op.Hmm

If there us no will and no assets its not your problems. You can't inherit debts. You are creating problems to worry about. Why not just look after your own affairs and let them do the same?

NeckguardUnbespoke · 11/07/2016 15:29

assets been frozen in the absence of one and everything becoming my reaponsibility

How would that happen? They die. There's no will. You do nothing. Nothing happens. You don't apply for letters of administration (or Scottish equivalent). Still, nothing happens.

MunchCrunch01 · 11/07/2016 16:11

it seems obvious to me that op means that because she cares, if her p end up penniless in old age, she'll feel burdened to support them financially, turning your back on your penniless parents is hard to do when they can't afford adequate heating for their residence in winter etc. My P support my nan who's made many crazy financial decisions (including also taking a loan out against her house - a house my parents paid the mortgage on for her!).

Pearlman · 11/07/2016 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSilveryPussycat · 11/07/2016 17:05

I don't think OP is grabby. My understanding is that OP wishes her parents would do as she herself would do for her own children in a future scenario ie contribute in small but helpful monetary ways when she has got something like moving going on (it's the kind of thing I have done with my own adult DC). She knows they won't, because they can't, because they have put themselves first and acted irresponsibly. No wonder she is sad Sad And of course she is worried about what the future holds for them...

TheSilveryPussycat · 11/07/2016 17:08

what I mean to say is better phrased thus

*parents would do -> parents could have done

Pearlman · 11/07/2016 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 11/07/2016 17:51

OP with respect a lot of us are a lot older than you and have unfortunately been through the same situation.
It's not because we didn't care about our parents, I certainly did (perhaps far too much like you), but one day you sadly come to realise that you can lead that horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

So carry on banging your head against that brick wall, because one day you will sadly find out.
I think you will have to go through the whole cycle and process, and then you will see what a lot of us are trying to get through to you.

Pearlman · 11/07/2016 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 11/07/2016 17:56

When you are a competent individual, like yourself, it is very hard to come to terms with the entirely needless and sad outcome that will prevail. You cannot control this path of destruction. You WILL find this out :0(

TheSilveryPussycat · 11/07/2016 18:15

Of course it's not a parental responsibility - it's the very fact that it isn't a responsibility which would make it an act of ?loving care.

But sadly, OP, your parents just aren't like that.

Pearlman · 11/07/2016 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.