Parents in dire straits

[LadyofDunedin]

I have written about this before, to vent my frustration and anxiety about my parents future.

Without drip feeding, they've (my DF) has got themselves into a financial mess. I say DF as he has protected DM from the extent (although I should add I'm annoyed DM has never questioned anything and only now is begging to see)..

Basically, they've lived outwith their means for what appears most of their lives. Beautiful home (perfectly affordable mortgage, but they lent on it until the cows came home), cars, holidays, always ripping out things and replacing. Many years about I did wonder where the money came from; both modest jobs in government. Whilst well paid, modest in means.

I suppose I'm writing mainly in anger, to vent. They would have never stopped lending had the bank not pulled the plug. They now have a huge consolidation loan from the same bank that kept lending them. The bank want the house. DF buries his head in the sand. I begged him 3 years ago to get independent financial advice, but no. The same bank he allowed to strangle him them, will do so now. His pride is in he way.

I feel sad about their future. They should be comfortable, instead, they (I suspect) have to sell the house. More worryingly, it's been on the market for 7 months with no chance of that to change anytime soon.

Even selling the house will not enable them to buy again mortgage free. Although DF thinks selling it a solution, it's back to square one and still lending on a mortgage, albeit less. I wonder what the hell they will end up in.

Tonight I tried to talk to DF, he shuts me down, won't take my thoughts on how they can maybe sell the house quicker.

The situation just seems so desperate. DF's car recently needed£1500 of repair work (he doesn't look after anything, neither of them do), he didn't have the money. He sold it to we buy any car for 1/3 of its value. Moreover, he gave almost all the money to the solicitor who are frankly pathetically hopeless at marketing the house. What's even more annoying is my parents' inability to question the service and just pay it anyway in the vain hope the house will sell.

I wish I didn't feel so permanently anxious about this. I feel like they're barely living, constantly stressed, angry, and yet they've enabled this situation.

There is no will or no financial security for either of them should anything happen. Everything is gone.

I really don't know what more I can do. I'm terrified their home will be repossessed and of the implications of that for them both. That said, I feel my anger at them both rising daily for the gravity of the situation and how desperate they've let it become.

:-(

What can I do?

People can't give away couches let alone sell them second hand. I would suggest you put an advert up for free couch removale to get a couch and you'll have several offered before the month is out.

As for your parents financial affairs that is their business, not yours. I certainly wouldn't want my adult DC interfering in my financial affairs and would very annoyed at persistence at trying to tell me how to manage my money.

I wouldn't say my own parents have made the best decisions with their house either, but I'd never complain about it as it's not my business.

Are you worried about future inheritance OP? It doesn't sound like you need it, being as savvy as you are.

I feel I'm being a little misunderstood here.

I don't want their money, I'm more sad the lengths they're having to go to now as a result of their stupitidy. For those who say it's none of my business, how am I supposed not to care? This should be a happy time of their lives, in relative financial freedom. It's the exact opposite. They've both aged terribly since the advent of this and look unwell. Yes, I know it's their fault.

I wasn't meaning to saying expectant or grabby re. The van, but I guess I do feel a little hard done be in terms of my move. Like many others, I've had no help. The £50 merely represents the desperate situation more than the van itself. I feel I can't enjoy my new home as their suffering is so bad, that's the reality. My new home is now more than they can afford.

I'm angry, sad and despair as I don't feel they will ever learn. It's too easy to look at friends parents who lived honestly and modestly.

I'm not worried about inheritance, if anything, I hate money for what it made them become; grabby, materialistic, never happy.

Of course you feel upset and concerned. How frustrating to watch this all unfold. However, it is their mess, not yours and they will continue to muddle along. Step back and enjoy your own new home.

LadyofDunedin - the reason I am so very careful with money is that my parents are as you describe your own.

My parents are now retired and renting after paying mortgage after mortgage for 45 years. They have been ripped off left, right and centre.

Thank God for my Dad's pensions. My worry is if my Dad dies first, my Mum won't have much of an income.

I understand your angst. For those suggesting it is bound up in a lack of inheritance, I suspect you are so very far from the truth.

At some point, they are going to have to live within their means. They can't be led to it by yourself. Try to detach from this part of their life. I know it's hard. I spent years trying in vain to advise my parents.

And yes, the saddest part is that because of stupid decision, they won't have the retirement others seem to enjoy.

My parents are both comfortably off (well my dad's dead now but he was) but have never paid for anything for me as an adult. I don't think that's unusual.

My dh and I are 53 and 52 and we expect to be working until we are 70. Your parents have plenty of time to sort themselves out and start afresh. I think you need to step back a bit op, you are making yourself stressed and anxious about their situation but it is not your situation.

I can't think of many people who would expect or even want their parents to contribute to their move. Practically maybe but not financially so I don't get the van hire bit either especially as it was only £50 and you had money for stamp duty, legal fees etc. Maybe you mix in circles where parents contribute towards a deposit for a house for their children but again, no one I know so I think your expectations are unrealistic and unfair there.

Having said that, I understand your concern re their home and mortgages etc. as my parents are the same. I sometimes think they must be living on fresh air as I have no idea where the money comes from. Yours are relatively young though and assuming they are mentally able I think you have to leave them to it, hard though it is.

TBH if their finances are in the state you describe you'd do better not to take £50 off them even if it were offered - you'll be on the hook to lend them more soon enough by the sounds of things. Sell a few things on FB, do a few hours of tutoring (if applicable), get onto PeoplePerHour or UpWork, and you'll earn £50 soon enough.

I know it's not the reason you posted, but get yourself onto FreeCycle for furniture. I bought in similar circumstances to yours and started out camping in my living room. I was able to find the bits I needed on FreeCycle, and I then FreeCycled them on when I was finally in a position to hit the shops.

Who are they doing all the lending to?

The £50 represents the desperate situation. Is it really so unreasonable of me to hope that my parents can offer a token gesture, such as this?

I have rented in a very expensive city, saved tens of thousands of pounds towards this and while it's been tight, it's doable.

I am only being honest in my disappointment that they couldn't help at all. You may say £50 is not a lot. To them right now it is.

I can't hide my frustration given what I've saved to do this and what they could have had to help me. I don't mean this as a gift, I'm not grabby. I mean as a loan.

They kept lending against the house, mortgaged up to their eyeballs.

DF knew this day would come, he just buried his head and kept on lending. As before, refused independent financial advice.

I sort of know where you're coming from. As a child you feel you really shouldn't have to teach or reach out to your parents to make them understand about finances and spending wisely. My patents have never been with good with money and they never really thaught me how to save and be economical in life. I learned that from my in laws very late in life and other family members. I'm still not great at it as it wasn't installed in me as a youngster. I feel bad for you that you're struggling to keep you and your parents afloat and not let them suffer for their mistakes. But it's just stuff and the end of the day. There is always a solution even it may not be the one you want. Health is the most important part everything else is replaceable.

Do you mean "borrowing against the house"? I'm not being pedantic, I'm trying to understand.

So they have a very high mortgage? Are they in negative equity or is the house still worth more than the mortgage?

Do you mean they borrowed against the house? You lend to and borrow from. It makes no sense at all in your posts, it reads like they are lending to someone else.
They have no financial sense and won't listen. They aren't your responsibility and they aren't even elderly. Concentrate on your own finances.

Why are thy paying solicitor fees if the house hasten been sold? That's not how it works at all.

If they need the £££, reduce the house, mov into rented, so to Stepchange and get some proper financial advice and if they don't want to do any of that, then you have to make your position clear, keep giving advice when asked and not enable them.

So you asked them for a loan of €50 to hire a van but they don't have €50 to lend?
Do you have siblings who could share your stress re your parents.

My mother lived a very wealthy lifestyle, then went bankrupt and lost everything. She now lives in a council flat on the state pension. I found it all very distressing at the time but my mother survived and she is a better person for it.
I feel sad that she was stupid enough to throw away a comfortable retirement (or rather she allowed her husband to do that) and I gave her money for a while. But really, there's nothing you can do that will make much difference.

I suspect you feel angry that you have to worry about your parents when you would like them to be there as support (not necessarily financial) for you if you need it. I know that feeling - no safety net and a huge amount of responsibility for people who should have taken responsibility for themselves. It is crap, but really you are not responsible for them and they will survive.

To be honest, I'll never know the truth. The house was bought for 120k 16 years ago, now worth circa 320k. They've loaned a lot against it as far as I know, and the mortgage has went from £520 a month to £1800 which they can no longer afford.

They also have multiple store cards, credit cards, loans. All of which are consolidated into one- I think.

My dad couldn't afford the bill to repair his car so sold it to we buy any car. That says desperation in itself. The profit went to pay solicitors ongoing fees...

You don't need to know the details of their problems either. It won't help you or them.

Id leave them to it , my mum sold her very big house and bought a still big but smaller house and a flat( to rent out ) a couple of years ago. We told her to buy a 3 bed and live comfortably but she didn't want to. She is only 71 and will probably have to sell the 4 bed or and the flat and buy a smaller house before she dies but she wouldn't listen and it's her money . Although I do everything for her and I have power of attorney she makes her own choices and we told her with the help of spreadsheets that if she continued spending at her current rate she would run out of money in ten years .. It's up to her if she does and she will either have to live in the flat or something similar .. Her choice and also your parents choice .. Let them be and deal with the consequences of their actions . Whatever that is .

I still don't understand why they have solicitor fees???

Nilby - maybe op and her parents are in Scotland? House buying and selling is different there. The solicitor plays a much bigger part than they do in the UK.

Neither do I understand why they have solicitor fees!!!!! They're being ripped off but won't question it. I got shut down for asking.