Parents in dire straits

[LadyofDunedin]

I have written about this before, to vent my frustration and anxiety about my parents future.

Without drip feeding, they've (my DF) has got themselves into a financial mess. I say DF as he has protected DM from the extent (although I should add I'm annoyed DM has never questioned anything and only now is begging to see)..

Basically, they've lived outwith their means for what appears most of their lives. Beautiful home (perfectly affordable mortgage, but they lent on it until the cows came home), cars, holidays, always ripping out things and replacing. Many years about I did wonder where the money came from; both modest jobs in government. Whilst well paid, modest in means.

I suppose I'm writing mainly in anger, to vent. They would have never stopped lending had the bank not pulled the plug. They now have a huge consolidation loan from the same bank that kept lending them. The bank want the house. DF buries his head in the sand. I begged him 3 years ago to get independent financial advice, but no. The same bank he allowed to strangle him them, will do so now. His pride is in he way.

I feel sad about their future. They should be comfortable, instead, they (I suspect) have to sell the house. More worryingly, it's been on the market for 7 months with no chance of that to change anytime soon.

Even selling the house will not enable them to buy again mortgage free. Although DF thinks selling it a solution, it's back to square one and still lending on a mortgage, albeit less. I wonder what the hell they will end up in.

Tonight I tried to talk to DF, he shuts me down, won't take my thoughts on how they can maybe sell the house quicker.

The situation just seems so desperate. DF's car recently needed£1500 of repair work (he doesn't look after anything, neither of them do), he didn't have the money. He sold it to we buy any car for 1/3 of its value. Moreover, he gave almost all the money to the solicitor who are frankly pathetically hopeless at marketing the house. What's even more annoying is my parents' inability to question the service and just pay it anyway in the vain hope the house will sell.

I wish I didn't feel so permanently anxious about this. I feel like they're barely living, constantly stressed, angry, and yet they've enabled this situation.

There is no will or no financial security for either of them should anything happen. Everything is gone.

I really don't know what more I can do. I'm terrified their home will be repossessed and of the implications of that for them both. That said, I feel my anger at them both rising daily for the gravity of the situation and how desperate they've let it become.

:-(

What can I do?

Sort yourself out, hire your own van and fuck the couch. Seriously your lack of a couch surely isn't a top priority and if it is go on a Facebook selling site and pick an old one up for about £30.

The couch we have right now is like a camels back. Each year we say we will get a new one this year and each year other things that are way more important get paid for and the couch goes on the back burner.

You seem prepared to allow your parents to take a loan out to buy you a new couch but you hate that they are in debt, so what is it exactly?

Let their house get repossessed if it's going to happen. Their finances are not your responsibility.

Yes we are in Scotland

2nds that was shitty.

It's not about the couch, I was just making the point I'll wait until I can afford one to get one. I'll make do.

I'm not asking them to take out a loan. Their lack of the £50 only reflects how sad the situation is snd my frustration so far that I can't get any help when arguably, they had so much.

Why the hell would I wish them to get repossessed? I want to help them as best I can. I don't buy ideas that I can sit around and watch their demise. I may get criticised on this thread as interfering, however I have a conscience and wish to help where and however I can.

they're my parents

To be clear, that does not mean I will lend them, I can't afford to. I will help them practically by recommendations of debt advisory/ financial advisors etc.

bibbity thanks, ok I get t now

You can only change how you think about this - stop trying to help find a solution and concentrate on doing caring things for them, maintaining contact and talking about non-controversial things. I've got quite a few family members with various problems I cannot help them with, and you've got to create firm boundaries and focus on the good, or it'll drive you crazy. FWIW I don't think YABU for looking for a bit of help, and being a bit resentful of having to worry about them, but those feelings won't do any good.

Thank you munchcrunch.

The fact that the op appears not to know the difference between lending and borrowing speaks to a family attitude to money which doesn't include discussing it in detail.

Charming ^!

I don't know as I've not involved myself in extensive taking money from financial institutions other than my own pay slip, thank you very much.

If I were you I would try to have a conversation with them. Explain you are worried about their future and wonder if there is any way you can help them come up with a plan. If they won't sit down and talk with you there is nothing you can do. In which case you tell them you are sorry, you have tried to help but now don't want to know anymore. And then detach.

Yes it's sad. Yes it's frustrating. But it's up to them.

And most adults don't want anyone else interfering in their financial affairs. I learned that the hard way. Their priorities may seem crazy but there is nothing you can do.

Neck guard - the OP is in Scotland and I think it is a colloquialism. I've known Scottish friends say the same.

I've come by this detachment the hard way too - I've waded into many situations with family I've tried to fix and it's never helped, you can't help people change themselves, has to come from them and sometimes by getting involved you prevent them making a sensible choice because you become the target.

Didn't you just buy a house? They lent and you borrowed. Its basic English.
Why don't you just keep out of it all? Its not your business just because they are your parents.

OP, I really feel for you and 'get' what you are saying and feeling
Unfortunately you cannot fix this for them, you will just be banging your head against a brick wall.
You sound financially very savvy and you could at a very last attempt, advise them what is the best course of action for them in terms of selling the house etc. Then stop right there if they don't accept the advise.
However much sense you speak you cannot make anyone take the right course of action, please believe this.
Look after your well-being and don't let them live with you.
xx

"I will help them practically by recommendations of debt advisory/ financial advisors etc".

They still don't want to know do they?. Such behaviour is called enabling; you are trying to control a situation that went out of control years ago. That was not of your doing. Doing such as in your example above gives you only a false sense of control; it neither helps you or they for that matter.

You can feel sad for them but I will tell you now they don't feel that way at all re their own financial mess.

OP, you say your parents are 55! That's young - they're not some confused and vulnerable elderly couple. They have plenty of years to earn money - all this talk of retirement is all very well but most people can't think of giving up work at 55 and "living comfortably".

OP I totally get how you feel and I don't think you're unreasonable to a) concerned about your feckless parents and b) want to have some support from them.

I think you're getting an unreasonably hard time by the usual Mumsnet insistence on this weird idea that as children we should never expect a penny help from our parents, when actually as a daughter AND a parent I have had help from my folks (thanks mum and dad) and have certainly and will continue to help my children as I am able and they need help.

You sound hard working, careful, kind and considerate, sadly these are qualities which your parents clearly lack.

Congratulations on your self-sufficiency, and congratulations on your new home. Please try to detach from your folks, you cannot help them as your father at least is strongly resisting any help.

It sound like your mum is waking up to the reality of what your dad as done - would she be able to take a bit more control? Would she see a financial adviser?

Didn't you just buy a house? They lent and you borrowed. Its basic English. Why don't you just keep out of it all? Its not your business just because they are your parents

Sheesh - some harsh replies here OP!

I agree with the posts of Attila and Archduke as the most sensible replies.

It may not be the OP's business, but she can't help worrying about her own parents' well-being.

Thanks.

Yes, a lot of the replies have been fairly shitty. Wonder how some of the mums on here would feel if their darling children frankly dismissed any crises in their lives by butting out.

I'm only trying to do my best.

Sadly I don't think mum would do anything without dad, like seeking independent advice. They're very isolated and still only really have each other as friends and the church. The irony isn't lost on me about the church either.

Quite frustrating when I know they give a three figure sum monthly to the church and I can't get any form of help. They would never stop the church giving because of the social shame.

My mother used to be the same. She constantly complained that she had no money, everything is too expensive, had no savings and pension.

We used to fight all the time and then one day I exploded and said to her that I wasn't going to bail her out. I think in her mind she thought that I would be the dutiful Asian daughter and look after her in old age. I also said that she was messing with my DCs future if she was relying on me when my priority is my own DC and their future. Once I said that she pulled up her socks and for the last 8 years has been saving into a pension and has some savings. She even started to save for DC.

I have no idea what she spent her money on. She is single, mortgage paid off since her early 30s, owns car outright and for about 20 years didn't have two pennies to rub together.

I too used to feel the same way as you. I think your parents need some sort of wake up call. My mum too didn't ever listen to me but would always pay money to "experts" for stupid advice.

I feel alot calmer knowing that her future is secure. My words to her was that if she didn't start looking after her own financial well-being she'd effectively be stealing from her own grandchildren.

Yes, a lot of the replies have been fairly shitty. Wonder how some of the mums on here would feel if their darling children frankly dismissed any crises in their lives by butting out

Nothing shitty about it. If my grown children were sticking their noses into my finances, when I'd already told them I didn't want their help, I would not be impressed. Would you?
They are in the shit, but its their shit and they do not want you to help.

User, do stay away if you can't be nice and constructive.

You seem to wish to antagonise me and for what benefit?

I'm 50, close enough to your parents age, I wouldn't welcome any interference in my finances. OTOH I have never asked for any financial help from my parents, and wouldn't expect it

So you only want opinions that agree with you and support your need to be overly involved in your parents lives?
Ok.