On the other side - in a lovely comfy bed (first night!). Massive thank you MN. [flowers]

[myownperson]

I have posted as many names, most recently Stuckinamoment1 and UpDownUpDown. I have posted for many months.

I have left. Tonight is my first night in my new home.

It feels a bit unreal.

But.... here I am as planned in my new house in my very very very comfy bed with crisp new bedclothes, and drinking a glass of wine. I cannot tell you how deliciously comfortable my bed is.

DC are asleep in new rooms.

I deregistered less than a week ago to force myself to deal with my life. I had amazing advice and support here but had got in a rut of constant panics and second thoughts. I didn't know when, how or even if I was really going to leave. I felt like I might just give up altogether.

But everything just somehow fell into place. An amazing counsellor sat with me and made a step by step practical plan for today. And reinforced what I'd been told here - to try and stop analysing for now and focus on leaving. At the end of the session she said "See you on the other side". I still didn't believe I'd do it.

But here I am. Somehow I found the bit of courage I'd been missing. The best way I can describe my feelings is FINE. I am genuinely fine. I don't feel any extremes. A little bits of lots of things but no panic. I know there are likely to be ups and downs to come but I know I can do it.

There are so many lovely MNers to thank. You've been amazing. Advice has been spot on.

I have a lot of work to do to make a new life for myself. And to make things ok for DC. But others before me have done it and I will too.

Myown hugs to you. It's a rough old road isn't it. But you are brave and I wish I were where you are, but inevitably the doubts set in, I'm at it now even though I've struggled for years and things are at a head and desperate. If it wasn't for the kids I doubt we'd even be civil to each other and definitely I would have left, but putting on this front that it's ok is very confusing even telling them were in separate rooms sleeping because I sleep better here?! True and they believe it but it's just such a false way to live with dh in denial and me clinging to my conviction that I gave to get out and be brave.

Hi OP,

I am newly on the other side and before i left you thread is the last i read RE leaving. I was so pleased to read that you had made it but was terribly envious that it wasnt my story. Reading your thread gave me clarity and hope for how i might feel when it was finally my turn and now im on the other side too i cant believe it, i am in shock. Im still anxiously waiting for the other shoe to drop, for it all not to be real or for there to be some reason that means i have to go back. I dont think this feeling is going to go away any time soon, i feel like its just been too easy so far, something terrible i havent thought of is going to trip me up.

Its so hard doing this to my kids, but its the best thing for them and i know they will have a better life and a better mum. I still feel hugely guilty and its a heavy weight on my shoulders. Because i had to leave by stealth there was no goodbyes and no time for conversations to prepare them for such a change makes me feel terrible.

I am not settled yet but i will be soon and i am happy and terrified all at the same time and frequently wish i could just fast forward to ghe part where we are all settled and its easy. I am just willing myself to get there one step at a time.

Thank you for your thread and your story it really has given me something to look to and hope for my new future.

I'm still anxiously waiting for the other shoe to drop, for it all not to be real or for there to be some reason that means i have to go back.

This really resonates. I feel like I'm being indulged until I fall back in line. Not helped by day with in-laws being treated like I'm ill.

Thanks for sharing your story. That's such a tough way to leave. Well done. It really helps to hear. Best wishes to you and DC.

Shandy, you can do this. Have you told anyone yet? I think you were planning on telling your sister. It will be so much better for you and DC than what you describe.

Thanks myown. I feel like a fraud planning to leave and yet carrying on my life. No I haven't yet told my sister, we're not close, but I thought she could give me some perspective. As I said before my close friends have been a mixture of supportive and not and its really affecting me.
Lightly, I'm so glad for you, really well done. You are so brave, just keep going now, you've done the hardest bit, keep counting your blessings.
See you on the other side sometime.

I had a friend once tell me that instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop I needed to grab that damn shoe and throw it across the room myself. She meant to try and take control of the situation, even if only mentally.

As Franklin D Roosevelt said "The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself". The things we imagine are often more 'real', and scarier, than reality. It's like a child with a nightmare, you just keep repeating that you are safe, you belong only to you, and that no one can make you go back 'there'. Say it 1000 times if you need to. Then say it another 1000 times. Eventually you will know that it's true, that that is your reality.

You may need to back away from inlaws. Mine acted like they were trying to help me when STBXH left, but really it was more about them. They wanted to control the situation and not face the truth.

7 months on I'm stronger all the time. I may meet someone else in the future, but better than that I'm meeting me - finding out what I like and want from life. Hope you do the same

Putting things "out there" always helps put them in perspective. As does a nights sleep. Thanks for your other reply too Across. I really do need to withdraw, or at least start to. I have to keep remembering this is not my fault. So if they are sad it's not my fault.

I keep waiting for a catastrophe with every decision that never happens. You are right about fear.

Lilacpink I'm guessing you are 40. It's good to read your positive comments thanks. It feels daunting starting over at 40.

I do think backing away would help. It's not good, when you're feeling weak or vulnerable, to have people around you that seem to reinforce it, rather than uplift and encourage you.

You know, I used to be a horrible worrier. My BFF and I used to joke that if I didn't have anything to worry about I'd worry that I was missing something that I should be worrying about! It's gotten better as I've gotten older. I'm better now at figuring out what is worth worrying about and what's not. It's such a draining emotion, worrying.

40 isn't middle-aged anymore. Its more like 45, so with that in mind it's not too late to start over. Also, plenty of people in 50s, 60s etc. find love later in life.

More importantly find yourself, your own happiness.

And that's why women are the stronger sex (oh calm down political correctors), well done, OP.

How are you doing myown? Just wondering how things are in your new life. I'm full of admiration.

Sorry I don't know your full story ...but good luck darling xx keep on one day at a time

Thanks for kind messages. It's the end of the week and DC are with STBXH so it tough and the encouragement is appreciated.

I stressed myself out a bit trying to work out how I got here so I'm working hard in keeping myself in the here and now. I had a friend stay over. She's been perfect, supportive, gets angry on my behalf, did my grocery shopping etc. It's nice leaning on someone when everything is a bit harder work than usual.

The children still surprise me with how well they are coping. I still wish I could mAke their life perfect and not put them through this but the longer I am separated from husband the more I know that I couldn't go back. It wasn't good for me. Nor was it perfect for them.

shandy how are you?

Glad you're hanging in there! Day at a time, day at a time.

Hi ok myown. I've plodded on with our 'family yome' holidays, but there's been no change and I'm more and more convinced that I can't carry on and that I'm almost there but the emotions and finding headspace are hard. I feel like it's all I think about and it's so tiring. I want to be frivolous and carefree again, but I'm feeling the ground swell happening. I just hope I don't lose my strength before I get there. Keep going myown yes I think don't waste your time looking back, look forward. Hark at me!

I have not read any of the threads but clearly many people have done so. My thought is that it is good of you to tell others how things are beginning to turn out, and I hope you find it cathartic. If you feel able to, say from time to time how it is going.

Shandy you'll get there. Keep going. It isn't all miraculously perfect but it's so much better.

Unrelated but I've been hit by terrible neck/shoulder pain as well as several other joints going (arthritis which for stupid reasons is currently untreated). Taking every tablet I can find just to move. Due to visit family with kids tomorrow so hoping for a speedy recovery!

Thanks myown. I hope your aches are better.
I spoke to a rl friend today. She is aware of the difficulties but she was still very oh are you sure things aren't ok, it's not so rosy on the other side and isn't it better he's trying. All valid points but I feel all flat again. I shouldn't be influenced but the thought of not having friends and family supporting me and believing I've done the right thing for me and the dcs is more than I can bear as I'm sure dcs would prefer us to be together.
I do feel this was partly how I ended up married though as everyone thought he is/was such a great guy, dependable and financially stable and annoyingly he still is but I just can't shake the fact that he doesn't care for me. He say's he does, he acts otherwise and its soul destroying and definitely has affected my feelings towards him. I just thought/trusted his feelings must be there somewhere deep as he wanted to get married to me. It all sounds pretty flaky now I can see.

Shandy Sorry talking to your friend has made you feel bad. I think it's just so difficult for anyone to understand someone else's relationship.

You might find some friends are more supportive once you've separated.

I had a couple of friends who clearly didn't get it before (or now) but they are being supportive regardless.

It is really scary not having others support your decision and being solely responsible for such a huge life change. But I firmly believe leaving a bad relationship makes you the strong parent. You're the one saying this isn't good enough.

Maybe your DC would choose to stay together but that doesn't mean they will be happier long term if you are together. It just means you have to be extra brave now to do what is best for you all long term.

Sometimes I was hurt by friends suggesting I wasn't thinking it through or thinking of the kids. Like you I bloody agonised over the decision.

It's not all roses, it can be lonely. But so can being in a relationship that isn't working. You know already how awful that is.I'm lonely now, I'll be honest. But it won't always be like this. I can work hard to build a new life and I have hope that will one day be a happy life. It doesn't sound like you have hope in your marriage Shandy.

Be brave about what you want.

I don't know if my messages are patronising Shandy. I certainly am far from knowing what I'm talking about. I just want to offer some encouragement.

Thank you myown. It is very helpful to have your perspective from both sides and yes you're right about friends seeing it differently and not being here in my situation. I'm sure I would be the same as of course you rarely say all the truth the whole truth and so only I and dh I suppose know the full extent of how and why we are where we are.
You're right about the hope element. Another friend said to me although she has not been in a relationship for many years she still walks into a room thinking she could meet the love of her life today. How wonderful is that even though I know she's lonely to have that hope.
It sounds the way I wrote that I speak about my troubles to lots of people but it's not true. Although I think I need to speak yo my dh about it now. It's been a few weeks since our last talk. I've still not had the chance to talk to my sister.

If I may, Shandy, also consider that friends don't want us to 'jump the gun' so maybe she was just expressing (clumsily) wanting to be sure you'd given it 'serious thought'. Not that she thought you were making a mistake. I know I asked my BFF similar (Is there no hope?) even though her ex was a real bastard. She just looked as me like I was crazy and I smiled and said "What the hell am I saying!?!?!". But there was something in me that just needed to say it and to hear her tell me she was 100% sure.

Thanks Across and Myown. You're right I know. I'm just more sensitive to negative comments at the moment and I think it hurts more from my other close friend who I know disapproves and I keep thinking of her comments like 'I could never do that to my kids' and ' well I don't expect to be thanked by my dh for everything I do' when I said I feel unappreciated.
I am trying to focus on positive people and thoughts and bringing a good example to my dcs that yes sometimes we fail and we have to be brave and admit it and carry on. The opposite of this is of course 'keep trying, never give up' which isn't my message. Oh dear.

My family - and a close friend - have talked about how they could never do what I did because by leaving my marriage I have chosen time apart from my children. I'm feeling particularly crap about that.

I had a rant on Chat last night including this comment Shandy. I get how hurtful it is. With my close friend I said the next time it came up. "I don't want to give you every detail but please believe me, I did not take this decision lightly. I have very good reasons for leaving my marriage." We've been fine since, she has been supportive. My family don't get it and I'm intending to avoid conversations for a while.

Yes that's exactly it Myown. If only we were ti'n this position eh. I'd lvebto be in a happy supportive marriage, but I'm not and I feel I've exhausted all options, but of course dh and others will always be able to say I could have tried more. And I say yes he could have listened earlier and tried more too, but there's no point in a tit for tat argument like we always have, because you're back in the hamster wheel scenario. I'll check out the Chat thread. Ta for being here.