On the other side - in a lovely comfy bed (first night!). Massive thank you MN. [flowers]

[myownperson]

I have posted as many names, most recently Stuckinamoment1 and UpDownUpDown. I have posted for many months.

I have left. Tonight is my first night in my new home.

It feels a bit unreal.

But.... here I am as planned in my new house in my very very very comfy bed with crisp new bedclothes, and drinking a glass of wine. I cannot tell you how deliciously comfortable my bed is.

DC are asleep in new rooms.

I deregistered less than a week ago to force myself to deal with my life. I had amazing advice and support here but had got in a rut of constant panics and second thoughts. I didn't know when, how or even if I was really going to leave. I felt like I might just give up altogether.

But everything just somehow fell into place. An amazing counsellor sat with me and made a step by step practical plan for today. And reinforced what I'd been told here - to try and stop analysing for now and focus on leaving. At the end of the session she said "See you on the other side". I still didn't believe I'd do it.

But here I am. Somehow I found the bit of courage I'd been missing. The best way I can describe my feelings is FINE. I am genuinely fine. I don't feel any extremes. A little bits of lots of things but no panic. I know there are likely to be ups and downs to come but I know I can do it.

There are so many lovely MNers to thank. You've been amazing. Advice has been spot on.

I have a lot of work to do to make a new life for myself. And to make things ok for DC. But others before me have done it and I will too.

Well done!

I agree, making the decision is the hard part, once you've decided to go, it's surprisingly easy. I too wasted time waiting for his 'permission', thinking I could get him to agree that splitting up was the right course of action.

OP well done, so well done. When I read you're post I felt wonderful for you and regret that it wasn't me in your position. I am married 10 years with 3 dcs and have been in a rut for years debating what to do re the state of my marriage. I thought so many times this year post counselling, post many chats and reaching the depths in our relationship that this was it I'm done and I've said it several times, but I'm still here. I can see the other side. I feel I've detached but I just can't seem to get there.
Could you OP give me a snippet of your advice from you and your counsellor. Maybe private message me if you'd prefer, I'm desperate. As I said I went for counselling, couples, me on my own , dh on his own, but it didn't help.
I have some means and he's ok, as in not an abuser and we are safe, but we really need to move on. I did, like someone else said, want it to be a joint decision, that he would see how hopeless things are but I think I have to accept that's not going to happen and shoulder the blame.
I have very little rl support as dh is well liked by my friends and family.
I realise you are the other side and probably have no wish to relive this horrible stage but I feel I'm almost there and mn has been such a source of inspiration and a grounding to me, when all around is a bit surreal, that I thought it was worth asking.
Enjoy and good luck op. You deserve it.

shandybass

I know it sounds a bit naff, but I read 'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway' and that made a massive difference for me.

Hmm. The counsellor didn't really say anything huge tbh. I'm trying to work out what has helped me most. I don't know if any of this is relevant. Your situation and fears will be different. It's all probably a bit too recent for me to have yet made sense of it all.

I have actually only seen the counsellor a couple of times but before that I saw someone else who figured i wasnt going to feel better until I left and he felt that I had a huge block in terms of how I viewed divorce - that it was bigger than anything in my head and more daunting that what I lived with. He did a lot of normalising around separation/divorce. So just talked a lot about it, about stats on how common it is and how people cope, how I'd go about separation. I found these discussions helped me start to feel I could do it.

He moved it away from the relationship analysis to thinking about what separation would be like.

The counsellor suggested that a bad start in life has made me desperate to try and create perfection as an adult. Apparently that's common. Any failings seem huge.

I also had the obvious struggle about breaking up my children's family. I posted a lot on here about children. I had a thread with some very good comments about how children cope. It took me quite a while to get that leaving could be positive for the children. I realised talking to the counsellor that my children will never stay in an unhappy situation for years because of what they learnt growing up. It just clicked. My children will have learnt its ok to leave if you're not happy. How I wish I had learnt that! Hopefully they won't spend years like I have.

I tried reading around this a bit. I remember liking this article.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/splitopia/201503/yes-you-can-raise-happy-children-after-divorce

I don't exaggerate when I say that posting here really helped more than anything. My longest threads where I worked things out are gone but were quite specific anyway. But what might be relevant is just repeatedly being told that i deserve to be happy, it gets through eventually. And I am starting to see how I thought everyone mattered more than me. I can tell you that martyring myself and my happiness was not sustainable. It has made me quite depressed and anxious and certainly not the best parent I can be. In the end I realised staying would be out of fear. My children needed me to leave. I wasn't a good "me". (The me that I'm going to be )

(Maybe kind MNers can help you work out what your biggest fears or blocks are. Give you encouragement. It really helped.)

I started to see at the end that I was doing something strong for all of us including my husband. Staying with him when I didn't want to would be a waste of his life too. I wasn't ruining everything, I was giving everyone a chance at happiness. I wasn't the bad guy.

It's difficult not to analyse the marriage but the moments where I moved forward a little where when I thought about the separation, whether that was considering the divorce process or reading posts about how others felt once they'd done it.

Sorry this is so long. Msybe some of it will be useful. Im going to get a little more sleep.

I hope you find strength to do whatever is right for you.

Brilliant post OP! I'm really impressed with how far you've come.

Emma, I think there was a lot of wasted energy put into not listening to myself and almost choosing to stay confused. I'm starting to think again.

Although I am going to try forget this stuff and focus on new curtains and other really important matters for the next week!

Thank you OP a thought provoking post and of course it's not quite a one size fits all, but helpful nonetheless.
Go forth and buy curtains!! You're right the time for contemplation and analysis has been - live your life. X

Amazing post OP. In tears reading it for some reason. Genuinely inspiring. I need your insight and your strength, but I also need a good counsellor to work through those exact feelings aroumd failure, guilt, kids etc. I've been mentally gearing up for this again lately (its cyclical - excessive posting on mn is a core symptom and excessive dp avoidance). Look forward to hearing further updates x

Your post shows how much you've grown in independence and how much you have learnt about yourself.

The counselor was right to say not to worry about analyzing the marriage but to move into the future. Sometimes all we need to know about the past is that it IS the past.

Im glad my posts might be a little helpful Shandybass and Welshrarebit.

Across, I'm wondering whether to continue with the counselling. Im booked in for another while.
I'm still feeling very ok. It feels unnecessary to talk about negative things/the past when I'm happy.

I would. I don't like to be Debbie Downer, but things will still get bumpy for awhile and it will help to have someone to fall back on for guidance. Right now you're on that 'high' that comes with getting the hell out of Dodge. But sometimes even our 'new life' will not run as smoothly as we'd like. And you'll still have to deal with 'Mr Wonderful' because of the kids. Counseling will help you to know when (and how) to stand up to him and draw that line in the sand, and when to just roll your eyes and let things go.

And even though the past is the past, I found that the main reason to continue counseling was to be sure I didn't repeat the past. The counselor helped me work on the 'new me'. More of a 'why do I do that' rather than 'why did he do that', iyswim. It helped immeasurably.

I loved reading your post. Congratulations to you.
It is inspirational cos in my position right now the light at the end of the tunnel is looking very very dim and far away.

It's refreshing and gives me hope to read this.

I hope I'm where you are soon.
So pleased to hear how upbeat and happy you sound!

Well done OP

Probably wise. Yes, I guess the relief is huge at the moment, but I can see how i still need help with boundaries in our relationship.

Not much risk of repeating the past though, well not for the next 10 years at least!

GettingScared, best wishes to you. Hope things are better soon. I know it's not easy but it's worth it.

DebbieDowner, did you see that I was on a high that wouldn't last? I dont want to post anything discouraging given that others have read this as inspirational. I'm so not an inspiration, I didn't mean to set myself up as that.
Blips are normal aren't they? Tonight is not quite my best. It's to be expected isn't it?

Myown please just post how you are. God knows we all know on here that life has its ups and downs and no major event is without its blips, regrets, sadness and highs. Whatever we're here for you. X

Oh Lord yes. Blips, trips, and (unfortunately) second thoughts are completely normal. Building a new life is scary, even in the best of situations.

Just accept that you are human. There will be times you feel weak and scared. We all do, at times. But then just listen to the peace and quiet in your home. Feel the security of knowing that he is not there. That you have locked him on the outside. That you no longer have to walk on those eggshells. That you are free to say "No, I don't like that" or "Yes, I will do this" without fear of having to listen to him and his bullshit.

I remember standing in my living room, just standing there like a stone. Because it was quiet. No one was shouting or being nasty to me. No one was telling me what to do. It was a great moment.

Blindsided to huge physical wave of emotion - panic attack maybe. After really positive session with counsellor. I feel like a fraud. I don't feel like the strong person I was when talking to her. I feel like I've hidden the me who has let things happen my entire life, with the hidden scars and shame of how badly I've coped.

But tomorrow I'll carry on. Because the past few days have been good. I'll pick up from there.

And yes, my new home is lovely. And peaceful. And that's the reality of now.

Blindsided "by" not "to"

I'm already feeling a lot better. Even unable to breath I knew it would pass.

:) You are wise.

This is what Across was talking about, as you know - once your mind/heart knows you feel safe, all the important questions as well as doubts & fears come out. I agree with others, counselling is very very helpful if you find a good practitioner. Your "scars and shame" can come out from hiding and be healed. Your doubts and insecurities can come out for some good long chats.

This is the stuff that means really going forward. I don't think many of us would say we're the same person as before - the experience changes you, but it's understanding yourself that builds your strength and gives you balance.

You've done an incredibly loving thing for yourself - given yourself a new home with safety and happiness. After so long being forced to think about someone else's thoughts instead of your own, feeling unsafe and mistrusting happiness: it's quite a shock! You deserve all this and more, but you might not quite believe it. It's a good idea to continue the work. Sorry this turned into a late-night ramble.

Late night rambles are my specialty
Thanks for your post.
I think the peace and security of this new home made me realise just how I had been living.
The solitude that is so perfect just now is such a contrast to the mental turmoil of the recent months.
i guess it may take more than 5 days to move on! A bit more work to do.

There's a dip after the adrenaline rush of action, always. Give yourself time to recover from that and get on an even keel. You have new routines to master, just the day to day is different. Then the real work of healing, learning, changing starts.

I realise I've made that sound like a threat but it's not - it's a wonderful opportunity.

Thank you LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett. Yes that makes sense.
Yet another 5am start for DC2. i really miss the coffee machine!
But... I feel ready for the day anyway. Thanks

No coffee!!!??!! I couldn't do it. Can you get one of the cheap plastic 1 cup drip pour overs? We use them when we're RVing and don't have electricity.

Last night, I was remembering that after a counseling session, there were times when I was low and exhausted. Counseling can be hard work, you know, but so worth it. You do dredge up and work through things you'd 'rather not' but must to truly get where you want to be, mentally and emotionally. Perhaps it would help if you gave yourself a small 'treat' after a session you felt was particularly hard. Something to reward yourself, to remind yourself that the hard work is worth it.

Luckily there's a really good coffee shop by my son's school. First stop of the day. I will get a new machine soon. So busy thinking of the kids I didn't pay attention to the coffee situation!
Maybe my treat shouldn't include a glass of wine next time.