On the other side - in a lovely comfy bed (first night!). Massive thank you MN. [flowers]

[myownperson]

I have posted as many names, most recently Stuckinamoment1 and UpDownUpDown. I have posted for many months.

I have left. Tonight is my first night in my new home.

It feels a bit unreal.

But.... here I am as planned in my new house in my very very very comfy bed with crisp new bedclothes, and drinking a glass of wine. I cannot tell you how deliciously comfortable my bed is.

DC are asleep in new rooms.

I deregistered less than a week ago to force myself to deal with my life. I had amazing advice and support here but had got in a rut of constant panics and second thoughts. I didn't know when, how or even if I was really going to leave. I felt like I might just give up altogether.

But everything just somehow fell into place. An amazing counsellor sat with me and made a step by step practical plan for today. And reinforced what I'd been told here - to try and stop analysing for now and focus on leaving. At the end of the session she said "See you on the other side". I still didn't believe I'd do it.

But here I am. Somehow I found the bit of courage I'd been missing. The best way I can describe my feelings is FINE. I am genuinely fine. I don't feel any extremes. A little bits of lots of things but no panic. I know there are likely to be ups and downs to come but I know I can do it.

There are so many lovely MNers to thank. You've been amazing. Advice has been spot on.

I have a lot of work to do to make a new life for myself. And to make things ok for DC. But others before me have done it and I will too.

ha ha! maybe one small glass with some lovely dark chocolate.

I've realised that it's all far from fixed. Dont get me wrong, life is very very different. And I feel so much better. I'm still amazed by how much "weight" is gone.

But I tried doing some relationship reading because I thought understanding our dynamic (problems all in my head? blah blah blah) might help me figure what's appropriate long term regarding our joint parenting. I thought I might view things more sensibly, it might not seem so bad because I'm not in the same anxious place.

Do you know, in the "cold light of day" so to speak, it was much much worse than I thought. Things I thought were normal just weren't.

I'm a bit shocked but not in an overwhelmed way. I guess that's because my mental health is much better.

So much for taking a week off thinking. It's hard not to think.

I'm still feeling good though. I put my thoughts down on mumsnet and go enjoy a cuppa, not get swamped in depression!.

Good for you my own!
I'm still on ADs in the hope they will shore me up. Dp of course tells me that the depression is the issue. Which appears to be part of the woman leaving man script!

Yep. The first time I tried to end things with DH I found myself at the GP the following day getting ADs. My "D"H actually said it would be easier for me to get a prescription to help me cope than for him to get help for his anger.

He was very patient waiting for the ADs to fix me. Taken by surprise that they haven't.

Unfortunately my mental health did spiral rather dramatically after that so it'll be a while before I try to come off them.

Where are you at welshrarebit? I mean in terms of leaving, thinking about leaving? That is if you want to share. (Or do you have a thread?)

I'm on the 'wanting to leave marriages that were unsatisfying thread'.

This week I have asked dh to move out after a straw broke the camels back. That straw being the relentless bickering and being greeted , after an amazing weekend at a spa with friends, with being barked at. I have been considering this for years, usual story 2 dc. My reasons are different values, interests, ( v little overlap), his resentment of our 2 dc and lack of prioritising, certain incidents whereby he has behaved extrenely unfairly towards me at key points in our lives eg post partum . He is rigid in his thinking and is very difficult to negotiate with in.general.
Ihad a wake up call the other day when i just thought I can no longer do this to our children. Despite my begging he has repeatedly tore strips off me in front of them. I dont like the person i gave become, resentful, angry, noncommunicative, disinterested, sad.

Sounds like you've given it lots of thought. You seem quite sure of your reasons. Sounds miserable. In front of children is horrible isn't it?

"has behaved extremely unfairly towards me at key points in our lives eg post partum"

This reminds me of something my counsellor said. She was talking about how people often judge a society by how it treats its' vulnerable. She thought that idea was interesting in terms of what it says about a man when a woman is very vulnerable after having children.

Is he going?

Reality check this morning.

DS2 crying during night. Slept cuddled in my arms. Is always a cuddly child but has needed more this week. He's going to be with ex today and stay overnight. I know he'll be fine but Im sad for him. It must be confusing for him.

DS2 is now curled up into my side too. Love love love sleepy cuddles.

I know they'll be fine, they'll be excited to go. Probably only tough for me.

Going to have to get used to it.

I dont know your back story either but I was where you are over a year ago now..I will never forget that first night, it was an amazing feeling!

nearly 18 months on, I still have that feeling of peace and tranquility and I am still in love with our little home. I wish you all the best

Thank you According.

Struggling this evening. Trying to remember it was the right thing to do. Wondering if I should have tried harder for DCs sake.

I am definitely happier. I couldn't live like I was. But I feel like I've chosen to be apart from my DC tonight.

That's how I feel my own. I haven't left yet but this weekend like welsh has given me some clarity that I have to get out. But the thought of not being with my dcs 24-7 frightens me again I miss them so after a few days away, doing that regularly with no event planned to occupy me makes me very sad. I know they do stuff with dh now but not much and generally one of my three are with me then. But I can't go on with this non life. I feel like half a person, like in limbo. I almost can't stand being near dh now and I think that will just get worse. He is just carrying on with the head in the sand, no talking, no real conversations, like everything will suddenly be ok with time?!
I am going to look for a place for me and dcs. The thought of being free is keeping me going. But like you myown I know it's going to be very tough, but that's not to say it's the right thing.

It was the right thing to do, never doubt that.

'Trying harder' wouldn't have worked because the person you would have been 'trying harder' for wouldn't have given a rat's ass how hard you tried. As a matter of fact, the harder you tried, the better he liked it. It gave him more things to criticize about you and feel sorry for himself.

Just try to relax. Soon you'll be in a routine and will have things to fill up the time when they're with their dad. Or you'll begin to treasure that 'alone time' that you probably never had when you were with the loser.

According - all us lurkers appreciate your words of encouragement.

Shandybass - I'm cheering you on too. I feel a bit euphoric tinged with +++guilt. But i know clearer thoughts will come with space. Roll on Monday.

OP -I'm sure that will get easier with routine. Be kind to yourself. You are doing great.

It was right. It wasn't much of a choice even. I had to leave, I know that.
It's only been one week, this weekend was bound to be tough.

Life continues to be a bit up and down. But in a much less extreme way. I have 3 child free nights from tomorrow and no friends to catch up with, so a big challenge. It's so difficult to work out the kids needs from mine so I go along with it.

Staff at two different toddler groups this week who don't know circumstances commented on how my youngest seems a different child - chattier, happier. I am putting that down to me being less anxious and more engaged with him. Eldest's teacher says he has clearly taken it all in his stride. It's great affirmation of it being the right thing for all of us.

I am still very depressed by life. I think it's going to be a bit of a slog to get out of that. But the evidence of life is that things are much better even if I don't realise it.

Hope things are going well for you Shandybass and welshrarebit.

Hi myown I feel the chasm of 3 days apart for you. I am still in the state of knowing it's the right thing to split but feeling like its the weight of disapproval to the action not helped by dh although being snippy, impatient and sometimes downright fed up clinging on to the fact that he's sorry and loves me, that things will be ok. Having been like this for the past two years and trying everything I really can't face another year let alone years but still it's like wading through heavy mud.
And so I carry on as one day more like this I can cope with but then the future looms and I get down because of my inaction.
Inspiration here from you mn is very helpful
Good luck welsh and myown.

Oh Shandy that sounds so tough. No matter how I feel when I'm down it is not like being back in it.

My depressive feelings now are about ME, and complicated as they are to unpick, I can work on me.
I'm not trying to fix a relationship or another person which IMO is pretty bloody depressing to do when deep down you want out. If he was capable of changing. If things could be ok you wouldn't be where you are. It's not like it's a new feeling.

He loves you and he's sorry. It doesn't make you feel any better though does it? Dont be trapped by that. You really do deserve to be happy, regardless of how he feels. My biggest regret is that I didn't have the self esteem years ago to leave my relationship. Those "one more days" will add up.

Can you carry on making plans, getting everything in place, even if you are still not sure about taking action?

You sound so beaten down. Sorry if this isn't helpful. I have read your posts elsewhere so may be misunderstanding a lot about how things are.

Oh, myown, just feel the strength and wisdom in your words to Shandy!! These are the words we said to you and now you have learnt and grown and are saying them to others. Now you are the source of strength to others that we were to you. This is the 'sisterhood' of women helping women. This is women at their best!

Shandy, start by 'thinking single'. Imagine your lovely peaceful new home without your abusive DH. Really 'live it' in your head. Once you do that it will be easier to make it real. You deserve to be happy.

Hi Across. I didn't see that when I was writing to shandy but you're right.

Boys are with their Dad tonight. I walked to a local shop just to get out for a bit. I felt strangely invisible. New house, new area, alone etc.

Then I got back to my house and I bloody love the solitude and the independence. It's a home that doesn't know any strife. I went to bed and it was hot and sticky and I took my clothes off and stretched out. I'm not hunched up on my side with a big layer of protective clothing on scared to move- as I was when I posted several months ago. I'm still grateful for the help in getting here.

Good for you myownperson wish u all the luck and love in the world, u are so musch stronger than u think i are, utmost respect for u,

Now that's my girl!

Isn't quiet and autonomy great? I love my DH and my (now grown) sons, but I also loved the times he took them camping and when he goes camping now with his best mate. No one to look after except yourself. Bliss!!

Don't think you were invisible. All the people were probably looking ant you and thinking "Why is that woman smiling so much?!".

Thank you myown and Across. My resolve is strengthened and getting my ducks in a row including trying to tell my sister. Dreading that.

Shandy I realised after I posted my message to you that I wasn't entirely clear where you were at. Good to hear you are going ahead and your resolve is stronger.

Thinking about telling people was worse than actually telling them in my experience. I dreaded telling my mum but she was supportive right from the beginning.

I have had a lot of sympathy for my ex from others. I found that quite upsetting but people don't know what your life or relationship is. You need to focus on the people who are supportive.

Good luck with getting things moving.

swinging and Across than you for the nice messages. Lovely to read in the middle of the night and go back to sleep feeling a little connected.

Hi. Back in the other place tonight. Feeling a bit low.