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Original poster

Brother moving in with single mother with young baby

105 replies

FrazzledRick · 09/07/2016 20:15

I might get flamed for this. I'm trying not to be judgemental but I probably am. I'd just like a general consensus and I'm quite prepared to be told to wind my neck in.

I'm pretty worried my brother is being taken advantage in a major way. I don't think she loves him. I don't really know her to be fair and I could be wrong.

She has a four year old and a 6 month old baby. Different fathers but broke up with the youngest's when she was mid-pregnancy.

She and my brother met after she winked at him on an online dating site when the baby was two months old. It's been quite an intense relationship and he has taken on the role of "father" in many ways already. On the second date he went round to her house and somehow ended up feeding the baby!

She's got herself into a bit of a situation now where she has to move house and he is moving in with them all so they can afford to rent somewhere nice! He is talking in a highly committed way which I find bizarre so soon, about supporting them and them becoming a family.

He is 28 with no kids of his own. I think he must be ridiculously infatuated. I think she just wants to be looked after and can't possibly love him. I find it highly uncomfortable that she was actively looking on dating websites when her baby was two months old, like she was looking for a surrogate father for her kids.

Any opinions?

I don't feel like there's anything I can do of course but I saw him today and sort of feel a bit like I'm watching a train crash and it's sad.

OP posts:
Just5minswithDacre · 09/07/2016 22:46

i get why some people think I'm being judgmental, but before any of you judge my judgeiness any further - I'm not out to bash single mothers. Our younger sister is a single mother and I haven't any prejudice about that all. It's probably why my brother has been so supportive and so willing to give his all to his new girlfriend. Ive babysat my niece for years while we encouraged
My sister to get out there and date - completely no judgements there either. I just find it difficult to understand why you actively look for a relationship two months after your baby was born, only half a year after your eldest child's second father figure had evaporated and not only that, then move the new man in a few months later. I don't think that's responsible and can't help but think it's not without motive.

So you're pleasant to single parents that you're related to. Whoopy do.

Maybe this woman's "motivation" was loneliness. Did you think of that?

Maybe she just wanted to flirt and chat but struck such gold she decided to trust her instincts and trust a lovely man?

It isn't your business anyway quite honestly but it might be good for your personal growth for you attempt to be nice to someone you're not related to. Try it. If only for your poor brother's sake.

Just5minswithDacre · 09/07/2016 22:48

How can she after four months though? With a two month old in tow? How can she genuinely care for him?

He is an adult and capable of looking after himself and I'm not about to interfere but like I say he is a lovely bloke -

Confused Maybe she cares for him because he's a lovely bloke. Like most relationships start. Maybe she's a lovely woman. What IS your problem? Hmm
Obliviated · 09/07/2016 22:55

I was a single parent when I met my DP (and my children have different fathers). His family have been nothing but supportive and welcoming of our relationship. Glad they didn't judge me like some people are judging this lady.

Piemernator · 09/07/2016 23:00

No one should be living together after 16 weeks when DC are involved it's unfair on them if things don't work out.

TheUnsullied · 09/07/2016 23:00

OP's concern isn't for the children.

Just5minswithDacre · 09/07/2016 23:06

No one should be living together after 16 weeks when DC are involved it's unfair on them if things don't work out.

Well I wouldn't. But it doesn't make the GF a gold digger. And it doesn't make OP's motivations good.

Original poster
FrazzledRick · 09/07/2016 23:07

Thanks, I said I was going to leave it at my last comment but there have been lots of replies since, so I felt like I wanted to add more.

My concern isn't a thin veil. I am concerned for my brother.

Re what kind of a man moves in that quickly? Exactly. As I mentioned in my OP, she is in a situation where she has to move. I can't go into detail because it would be too identity revealing but when she learned she had to move she asked DB if he would move in too. This way they'd be able to afford somewhere nice. As well as obviously liking her a lot and taking his self imposed sense of responsibility to the children seriously, he wants to help and is going for it.

Yeah I have mentioned the fact that he children are by two different fathers. I think it's relevant. And the second time I mentioned it was in the context of saying I don't think moving your children in with a man after four months, two months after a baby is born and six months after the babies' father, who lived with the four year old for several months and was their second father figure, disappeared, is responsible. That angered some people, but I don't. Sorry.

And I have owned that I know I am being judgemental. I did want other's opinions though and I am grateful for them.

OP posts:
wizzywig · 09/07/2016 23:10

If you try and get to know her then you'll find out more about her. You may end up liking her.

Original poster
FrazzledRick · 09/07/2016 23:10

And I never claimed to be solely concerned for the children. I think it's a bad situation for them and potentially very sad. I also said I didn't think her actions are responsible towards them. I never pretended to be sticking my oar in for the sake of children.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 09/07/2016 23:51

Don't let the subjective comments get you.

Unfortunately too many people are projecting their own situations here. You are rightly concerned about your brother.

You see him with a woman who doesn't appear to show affection towards him and I think if it didn't bother you, that would be a concern.

If anyone here saw their sister or brother with a partner who didn't appear to be as into them or reciprocate affection, it would be within the realms of normality (not interference) to be concerned.

This is nothing more than concern for her brother, yet some are turning it into a witch hunt against the OP. Pure madness.

Lurkedforever1 · 09/07/2016 23:52

Why is having two different fathers relevant then op? Because I fail to see wtf it has to do with anything, least of all her relationship with your brother?

MooPointCowsOpinion · 09/07/2016 23:57

If she doesn't love him, why on earth would she be with him if she's such a looker and clearly socially confident and happy to make a move, she could be chasing down men with 6 figure salaries?

Everyone deserves to find a relationship. Single mums are worth dating. He's punching above his weight, so you should be happy for him and support him if it doesn't work out.

Just5minswithDacre · 10/07/2016 00:27

Don't let the subjective comments get you.

Confused

Unfortunately too many people are projecting their own situations here. You are rightly concerned about your brother.

Which situations would those be Sandy?

DixieNormas · 10/07/2016 00:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Atenco · 10/07/2016 06:15

Maybe you are right, but I find it sad that you cannot imagine that this person, being so beautiful and self-assured could love your brother. I love my brother and so it never surprises me that other people find him attractive. One of my most beautiful in every way friends has never care about the physical appearance of her boyfriends.

As for being on a dating website with a two-month-old baby, why not? I read on here about how many people really suffer with their small babies, but I don't remember it being that hard, everyone has a different experience of their baby's first few months.

TrulyTrulyTrulyOutrageous · 10/07/2016 06:43

Maybe she acts like that around you because she's worried his family thinks little of her and that he can do better?

My dh was younger than your brother when we got together and I had 2 dcs! I did assume everyone thought he could do better than me.

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 10/07/2016 07:20

I've been a single parent for 10 years, I've never experienced any 'eye rolling'. I have maintained them myself with no help from their father. The youngest has just turned 18.

I'm in a relationship but we don't live
together. I would NEVER have moved a man in with my kids at
such an early stage. You are definitely right to be concerned OP. However, he is an adult and responsible for his own actions.

I don't think you are judging single parents at all, at least I wouldn't feel judged, no OP, if it were anyone I was close to I'd be concerned.

maxeffort0satisfaction · 10/07/2016 07:27

I would judge her on the fact that she had 2 broken relations which ended in children and she hasn't slowed down or changed her patterns. its like a cycle with her.

I wouldn't have an issue with someone dating a parent with children already but the fact that they have 2 separate kids by separate exes and jump into another relationship so quickly shows they have some mental disease and neediness..

also when your baby is 2 months...wtf??? I can't believe she's looking for another guy when she has a 2 months old ..

my bet is that she will get pregnant by your brother.. and then it will all go bad... her patterns and the intensity of the relation and how everything is too fast sets alarm bells but in the end it is his life and he is nearly 30.

you could tell him you're concerned its going too fast but.. choose your words wisely so as not to push him away from you.

sandgrown · 10/07/2016 07:33

A family member was deserted while pregnant. A nice man moved in next door when her baby was only six weeks old. They became more than just friends and recently celebrated their silver wedding. He has also been a fantastic dad as bio dad had no interest.

TinyDancer69 · 10/07/2016 07:50

OP - I would be worried too. I remember well the sheer physical and emotional exhaustion when DS was 2 mo the old. OLD would honestly have been the last thing in my mind. She may well be searching for a complete family and that is understandable. It's the speed of this and that it involves 2 DC that would worry me. In fact I would be more worried about their security than your brother's situation.

That said all you can do is be there and support him, whatever the outcome.

roundaboutthetown · 10/07/2016 07:54

I would be judgemental, OP. Wanting to move in with a man so quickly after having had two small children in short succession by two failed relationships sounds like a woman who jumps before she thinks and who ought to be becoming more circumspect by now. It might work out, it might be a disaster, but there is nothing you can really do about it either way.

KERALA1 · 10/07/2016 07:58

I don't read this as unreasonably judgey single mother bashing. All the facts put together would worry me too. Agree with most recent posters esp happyjanuary. Not much you can do though sadly.

Zame · 10/07/2016 09:06

I'd be concerned too, inviting a man round to meet your children after just one date is moving way too fast. Maybe she feels she needs to create the traditional 2 parent family for her children and has lost sight of what's really important like their safety and stability

pictish · 10/07/2016 09:29

I agree with roundabout the town but couldn't find the words to articulate what I was thinking last night.

The paternity of the children is of no concern...two children by two different fathers...so what!
BUT
It does seem that neither of them are in possession of a common sense hat. She's moving any old guy into her kids' home, while he's pledging commitment as a stepfather to any old kids whose mum has a pretty face. Four. Months. In.
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

Anyhoo - nowt you can do.

iamanidiotandsoru · 10/07/2016 21:29

He needs to run for the hills