Brother moving in with single mother with young baby

[FrazzledRick]

I might get flamed for this. I'm trying not to be judgemental but I probably am. I'd just like a general consensus and I'm quite prepared to be told to wind my neck in.

I'm pretty worried my brother is being taken advantage in a major way. I don't think she loves him. I don't really know her to be fair and I could be wrong.

She has a four year old and a 6 month old baby. Different fathers but broke up with the youngest's when she was mid-pregnancy.

She and my brother met after she winked at him on an online dating site when the baby was two months old. It's been quite an intense relationship and he has taken on the role of "father" in many ways already. On the second date he went round to her house and somehow ended up feeding the baby!

She's got herself into a bit of a situation now where she has to move house and he is moving in with them all so they can afford to rent somewhere nice! He is talking in a highly committed way which I find bizarre so soon, about supporting them and them becoming a family.

He is 28 with no kids of his own. I think he must be ridiculously infatuated. I think she just wants to be looked after and can't possibly love him. I find it highly uncomfortable that she was actively looking on dating websites when her baby was two months old, like she was looking for a surrogate father for her kids.

Any opinions?

I don't feel like there's anything I can do of course but I saw him today and sort of feel a bit like I'm watching a train crash and it's sad.

Sandy: this doesn't need justifying.

And where did I say it does?

I was crystal clear that this was different, it was purely your statement of the heart wanting what it wants.

The heart wants what the heart wants. You do realise you are quoting woody Allen talking about his step daughter!
If your brother is happy then leave well alone. It sounds like she has had a rough time and might be better suited to your brother, assuming he is stable and kind.

I've been a single mom as well but I get ops concern as I have a DB whom is vulnerable and the last GF couldn't be bothered to work but happily had my brother working 10 hours then coming home and sorting the house and dogs out whilst she sat there.

It is a red flag that she would have two children with two different men considering the youngest to be only 2 months. I have a 2 month i'm shattered and too busy to be giving DH attention but she has suddenly started a new relationship and introduced him to her DC and wanting to move into together. It must be extremely unsettling not to mention confusing to the 4 year old how many men have been in his life before him at least three including his own DF. It doesn't say a lot for her parenting choices, no offence to OPs DB but he could be anyone. I speak as someone who has a child from a previous relationship but my relationship was at a steady pace and introductions at an appropriate time.

He is 28 and it's pretty safe to assume he knows what her situation is. Just because she was looking for a nice man doesn't mean she is taking advantage of him.
As for being on a dating site ehen her baby was a few,weeks old...heaven forbid, how DARE she want a relationship? Surely any mother knows you no longer have a life when you have a baby.

YABVVU

His life NOT yours.

So you're concerned that your lovely brother has found himself a beautiful girl to shower with affection and play at happy families with, and you don't like this girl or her relationship with your brother because she's a single parent to two young children and you suspect her feelings towards your brother aren't as strong?

You realise that relationships come in all different shapes and sizes, right? And that sometimes, a caretaker can be preferred to love? My ideal bloke wouldn't be someone I could look at with loved up googly eyes. It would be somebody just like your brother - caring, affectionate, financially stable and happy and able to adjust into family life with me and my child/ren. The hell with love. As a single mum myself, I can assure you life can be pretty rough going sometimes. Love isn't going to put food on the table. Love isn't going to pay the rent and the bills. Love isn't going to buy me and my child/ren the basics to a happy life. I would take a good man who cared about me and could help support me and my family unit over any silly, lovely-dovey relationship ideals any day of the week, OP. Because I've lived the SP life for 9 years now, and I know what it's like. It's smartened me up. Life isn't a Disney movie and there are very few Prince Charming's out there. You stop seeing the world through rose tinted glasses and start looking at things in a very realistic light.

Maybe this girl has decided to sacrifice her love story for something a little more realistic when she has 2 children already in the picture. You don't have to understand it. You don't have to like it. But you don't get to judge it, either. Things work differently for every couple. Leave them to it. Bottom line? If they make each other happy, in whatever regard that may be, that's all that matters.

People are saying the OPs brother is old enough to decide .... and questioning his mental capacity in some cases because his sister is concerned.

Just because one is old enough doesn't mean they are immune from making wrong choices or of being used.

Look at all the victims of one form of abuse or another in life. They are also old enough to decide what's best, yet they stay in bad situations.

If someone isn't concerned about their sibling moving in with a new BF/GF - especially one with kids - then perhaps you don't have the same type of sibling relationship as the OP.

Now I'm quite sure the OPs brother is a really nice person, he certainly sounds it, but how well do you really know someone to move in with your kids after such a brief time? That's not a sensible thing for her to do.

I'm sure there'll be people who met and married within 4 weeks and have been happy ever since, who also had little kids.

I would not move in with a man I'd known for just 4 months with my young DCs, but having worked for the police and having exposure to children and young people's social care, I have seen a lot more to back up my comments.

I think a lot of single mothers are taking this way to personally.

If someone isn't concerned about their sibling moving in with a new BF/GF - especially one with kids - then perhaps you don't have the same type of sibling relationship as the OP.

I omitted to say moving in so quickly.
After just 4 months

Sandy I said excately the same he could be anyone and I speak as a single mom. when you become a parent you have a duty of care when you start relationships to factor your children into them, meaning not just moving someone in that you've known for a short time and move at an appropriate pace for them.

Yes, we probably are. Because we see the faces that people pull that scream everything you just said. The faces that make it clear that we're an issue.

OP is entitled to her opinions provided she keeps them to herself be there for her brother. I don't think shes bashing single moms.I think she has genuine concerns.

What's the worse that can happen? To your dbro, I mean.

They move in together, it's a carcrash, they split, he has his heart broken...well, he's a man of 28. Chances are he either has had, or will have, romantic entanglements that don't work out.

Now if you were her sister, posting that it's all a bit rushed & whilst the new chap seems very nice, you're worried it'll end badly, I'd get it (it would still be best to back off, but I'd understand your concern) - because the stakes are higher for her.

She has to worry about her dc getting attached to your dbro & then losing him, she could put them all in a situation where the relationship ending could have a serious financial & practical impact on her & her dc as a family, & frankly, he might turn out to be an abusive wrong 'un she struggles to then get shut of.

Or it might all work out brilliantly. But either way I think the concern for your dbro is a tad disproportionate...

It's not any of your business but you can be concerned all you like.

If your db is happy then don't interfere and if he isn't then be there for him when he needs you.

I'd raise an eyebrow at the circumstances and of the mothers choices but I wouldn't think much more of it, it her and your db life.
We have all probabaly made choices that are dubious and some learn and some don't. , me included as a single mum.

Some of the comments on here come across as single mum's = damaged goods/not worth it.

Seriously, if we all held ourselves to the standards that people hold single mums to, society would be pretty damned perfect. Celibate though, admittedly.

i get why some people think I'm being judgmental, but before any of you judge my judgeiness any further - I'm not out to bash single mothers. Our younger sister is a single mother and I haven't any prejudice about that all. It's probably why my brother has been so supportive and so willing to give his all to his new girlfriend. Ive babysat my niece for years while we encouraged
My sister to get out there and date - completely no judgements there either. I just find it difficult to understand why you actively look for a relationship two months after your baby was born, only half a year after your eldest child's second father figure had evaporated and not only that, then move the new man in a few months later. I don't think that's responsible and can't help but think it's not without motive.

I'm not going to say anything or stick my nose in, I'm just worried and interested to hear whether I am being a judgey pants or not. I hope I am.

I'd be concerned too, you can only be there if and when the inevitable happens and hope he doesn't father a child with her and then have a break up.

I don't think it's single parent bashing to be concerned about someone starting a relationship with a 2 month old baby, 2 children under 5 with 2 different fathers and a 3rd relationship, a move of house, it's the situation rather than being a single parent per se. It sounds like a disaster waiting to unfold.

I just find it difficult to understand why you actively look for a relationship two months after your baby was born, only half a year after your eldest child's second father figure had evaporated and not only that, then move the new man in a few months later.

That's isn't concern for your brother though. It's pure judgement. About a woman you've said you barely know and the decisions she's made.

Why does the number of fathers actually matter? Enlighten me.

Spot on op. All us single parents go round seeking men who rate lower than us on some arbitrary scale of attraction, in order to snare men willing to support us. Of course single parents can't possibly want a relationship or like someone for normal reasons, we all just see it as an alternative to the dwp forcing us back to work when we all like to sit on our arses all day.

What a load of ignorant and judgemental bollocks you spout op.