Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Brother moving in with single mother with young baby

105 replies

FrazzledRick · 09/07/2016 20:15

I might get flamed for this. I'm trying not to be judgemental but I probably am. I'd just like a general consensus and I'm quite prepared to be told to wind my neck in.

I'm pretty worried my brother is being taken advantage in a major way. I don't think she loves him. I don't really know her to be fair and I could be wrong.

She has a four year old and a 6 month old baby. Different fathers but broke up with the youngest's when she was mid-pregnancy.

She and my brother met after she winked at him on an online dating site when the baby was two months old. It's been quite an intense relationship and he has taken on the role of "father" in many ways already. On the second date he went round to her house and somehow ended up feeding the baby!

She's got herself into a bit of a situation now where she has to move house and he is moving in with them all so they can afford to rent somewhere nice! He is talking in a highly committed way which I find bizarre so soon, about supporting them and them becoming a family.

He is 28 with no kids of his own. I think he must be ridiculously infatuated. I think she just wants to be looked after and can't possibly love him. I find it highly uncomfortable that she was actively looking on dating websites when her baby was two months old, like she was looking for a surrogate father for her kids.

Any opinions?

I don't feel like there's anything I can do of course but I saw him today and sort of feel a bit like I'm watching a train crash and it's sad.

OP posts:
GeorgeTheThird · 09/07/2016 21:46

It doesn't matter what the Internet thinks, you can't know until you have met her a few times and got to know her.

LilacSpunkMonkey · 09/07/2016 21:46

Yeah, sure your sister is a single mother. That's very convenient, isn't it? Hmm

TheUnsullied · 09/07/2016 21:48

Yep. Evaporated. Involuntarily and hurting nobody. The differences in language are astounding when we're discussing single mums.

Pearlman · 09/07/2016 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
FrazzledRick · 09/07/2016 21:50

How can she after four months though? With a two month old in tow? How can she genuinely care for him?

He is an adult and capable of looking after himself and I'm not about to interfere but like I say he is a lovely bloke - he is committing himself to raising these children and go into it wholeheartedly. I don't think it is just a case of "ah wait and see what happens" I think it can potentially end horribly and there would be a lot of broke. Hearts. I find that sad.

I didn't come on here for advice because I don't intend to do anything about it. I do appreciate the comments though and I do see I am being more judgemental than I thought.

OP posts:
Hurtandconfused2016 · 09/07/2016 21:51

My sister to get out there and date - completely no judgements there either. I just find it difficult to understand why you actively look for a relationship two months after your baby was born, only half a year after your eldest child's second father figure had evaporated and not only that, then move the new man in a few months later. I don't think that's responsible and can't help but think it's not without motive.
This right here infuriates me!!! I was left in January for ow I went on a dating site in March after I had a baby (I also have a young son)! So I have a motive being on a dating site??? NO
I am looking for someone to talk to someone to make me feel good about myself again someone I can show interest in and have it shown to me! You don't know why the ex left do you? You know nothing about her previous relationship so what the hell gives you the right to judge this lady??? Your brother is a grown man if he is happy to step up and show her love and care for her good on him! If only there were other men like this instead of them running miles because she has kids!

I think you need to back off with this one and if it does go wrong okay be there for him but you have no right to make statements like that

Pearlman · 09/07/2016 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
FrazzledRick · 09/07/2016 21:53

I have met her a few times - enough to see her behaviour towards my brother and be concerned about it.

I don't get the sarcasm about my sister. Being a single parent is quite common so it's quite likely I'd have a family member who is a single parent.

OP posts:
pictish · 09/07/2016 21:54

I think four months is very quick to be moving in together when there are kids involved.

TheUnsullied · 09/07/2016 21:55

Are women not allowed to care for anyone when they've got a 4 month old then? Amazing that so many marriages survive this period where babies render mothers incapable of caring about anyone else.

PortiaCastis · 09/07/2016 21:57

Perhaps this girl's previous partners were complete fuckin bastards like my drunken ex and she sees something different in your brother.
Don't judge until you know the full story. I've had people judging me for years but they didn't feel the pain of the black eyes or the broken arm. Oh no she's not married she has to be after something is what they think!!
You know what I'm much happier on my own with dd.

pictish · 09/07/2016 22:00

Don't forget that OP knows her brother and has actually met the woman concerned. That counts for a lot when one is basing an opinion on something don't you think?

Obliviated · 09/07/2016 22:01

What sort of man moves himself in with a women with young children so quickly, especially when she could be seen as vulnerable. Does he see himself as some sort of knight in shining armour? Some would say that's a big red flag.

Total conjecture and twisting the facts to suit myself, but it's no different to what you are saying about the mother.

Original poster
FrazzledRick · 09/07/2016 22:02

No people can do what they like obviously. As can my brother.

People are infuriated about my use of language re single mothers and I am sorry about that, but I've been reading this board for a while and I know if a woman came
on here who'd just started a relationship with a guy, couple of kids, recent break up, suddenly needed to move in with her, was very keen to move the relationship and rush to moving in in four months yet couldn't reciprocate any minor gestures of affection, a lot of people would be saying "red flag red flag" but not so here, probably because I've got a few backs up.

I didn't mean to and I apologise. I'll take PP advice and leave it here.

OP posts:
LilacSpunkMonkey · 09/07/2016 22:03

She said in her OP that she hardly knows the woman, Pictish. This is not any sort of concern for the children involved, she's never even implied that. This is about her brother moving in with a single mother with two children by two different Dad's. She's mentioned the different fathers more than once.

GinAndSonic · 09/07/2016 22:08

Just want to say, my boyfriend isn't very affectionate. If you saw us in public you probably wouldn't guess we are a couple (apart from the fact that I only ever call him sweetie). We don't hold hands, or hug or kiss. Even when he comes to my home we usually sit on separate sofas. We don't snuggle. He hates it. It doesn't mean he doesn't love me. I know he does. He knows he does. How we look to other people is of little interest to be honest. Maybe your brothers girlfriend is like this?

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 09/07/2016 22:10

FrazzledRick
Yes, I would be very concerned about her motives, and I think your instincts are right.
You can tell instantly when two people are head-over heels. Your DB obviously is with her, but unfortunately she sounds like a cold fish.

pictish · 09/07/2016 22:10

I agree OP. If this was my much loved brother I'd be worried too. However, you going to have to learn to put it to one side as he will do what he's going to, regardless.
All you can do is tell yourself you'll be there to help pick up the pieces if and when it does fall apart.

Not quite the same but a dear friend of mine has recently made some very questionable (imo) relationship choices. All I can do is support her whatever the outcome.

pictish · 09/07/2016 22:14

Lilac - my point being, she's met her more often than anyone here has.
I think you all prefer to froth in outrage than acknowledge that it's a rush job in which OP's instincts tell her her brother is going to get hurt.

LynetteScavo · 09/07/2016 22:15

There's nothing you can do.

Hopefully this would be a slow car crash, but only time will tell. It doesn't sound like either of them are protecting themselves and the DC from potential disruption by taking things slowly. If there were no DC involved it would be perfectly fine, but there are, and you can only hope/pray things go well.

TheUnsullied · 09/07/2016 22:18

I'd much rather people owned their single mum judgement rather than hiding it under a flimsy veil of concern. It's difficult to have a reasoned discussion with people who are insisting that the point they're making isn't actually about the things they're saying.

LilacSpunkMonkey · 09/07/2016 22:24

If she was all so concerned about her brother being hurt she wouldn't keep emphasising the single mother and different fathers parts.

She's not concerned about her brother being hurt. She's concerned about the sort of woman he's moving in with.

If it was about her brother being hurt why even mention the different fathers, never mind more than once?

HappyJanuary · 09/07/2016 22:25

I don't care that she's a single mother, or has two children by two different fathers, or was dating when her baby was two months old.

But it's extremely odd and unsettling for the 4yo that your db is moving in after four months.

And if you've seen them together and got a sense that she might not be genuine op, then I'd trust your instincts.

Having said that, there's not a lot you can do. Anything you say to your db will be met with either hostility or disbelief. Tell him you think she's fantastic but that it's very quick so you're reserving judgement until you know her better. Encourage him to protect himself financially. Keep the lines of communication open so that you can be supportive when it goes wrong. And be prepared to admit that you were wrong if their relationship lasts.

pictish · 09/07/2016 22:30

Good advice January.

QuiteLikely5 · 09/07/2016 22:35

It's far from the ideal set up but try to give her more time/get to know her better before you start to worry.

its highly likely she's cagey around you because she knows you're not to keen on her.

Give her a blank slate and that will make everyone happy