Please help - appear to be pregnant with no 3, DH is saying NO, how do we decide and what's it like with 3?

[ButterfliesInStomach]

I tested twice today and it's saying I'm pregnant. It wasn't planned but we haven't been using contraception. Madness. However I guess as I'm not opposed to the idea I just didn't worry. Don't know what DH's excuse is as he is saying that he absolutley doesn't want a third child and he's not changing his mind.

We already have 2 sons, the eldest has special needs. The youngest just turned 1.

I think we'll cope he's saying we can't afford it, our home is too small and he just doesn't want another child, end of.

Although I'm scared I also think that both of my children would benefit from another sibling. Especially the youngest as he will have someone to share the responsibility of his brother with etc.

So how do we come to a decision when I don't want an abortion and he does?

For those with a third child please can you tell me how it affected you both and as a family and what are the pros and cons?

no experience but wanted to wish you luck

your dh has to share responsibility you weren't using contraception i assume he was aware of this situation

here's hoping his shock turns to other feelings soon

ok..as tutter has said, it is his responsibility too..if you are having sex,without contraception, you have to both understand that their is a risk of unplanned pregnancy.

he has to come to terms with it .... quickly !

he cannot make you terminate the pregnancy, so he must start to get his head around the fact that baby no 3 is on the way.

your DH probably thought, well, probably won;t fall pregnant, rather than thinking, well, probably will fall pregnant

can't bolt the stable door after the horse has bolted , so he needs to adjust to this new situation

I got pg in a similar situation to yours last year. DH however didn't mention an abortion but he wasn't happy. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending how you look at it) I had a missed mc.

Not quite sure how this helps you though so sorry.
Give him some time to get used to the idea - if he really didn't want anymore perhaps he should have used a ocndom?

I always wanted 3. Glad I've got 3, if anything, wish age gaps weren't quite so big (DDs ages 11.5, 7.10, 3.4) but there are pros and cons to any age difference.

Tend to fall in with the others - your DH is an adult and knew the risks of not using contraception. Men do take longer to adjust to news of this sort.

I went through a similar experience, DP was well aware we weren't using contraception. He suggested termination, I wouldn't. He said we were too old, too poor and the house is too tiny (all true). Refused to acknowledge the pregnancy for months, didn't come to scans. The atmosphere was not good for a long time. Finally asked to feel the bump when I was 37 weeks (true!).
Our little number 3 is now 6 months and has slotted into our family like there was a space for him all along.....and of course DP adores him.

I found 3 easier than 2 as the rivalry between the 2 older ones was instantly converted to mutual adoration of their little sister. Might not work for everyone, and I was wracked with nerves beforehand, but was the best thing we did. They're 13, 11 and 9 and it's a different story now of course (both girls gang up on big bro, old rivalry between boy and girl 1 has reappeared), but have never regretted having three. More work physically, but less psychologically. For us anyway.

Look I'm sorry to be brutal here but can someone just explain to me why so many of you are having sex without contraception who don't want to have more babies?

There are more ways to get pregnant than not using contraception, Shimmy. All contraception has a failure rate. A 94% success rate for a method means that 6 women in every 100 will fall pregnant while using it correctly.

Also some of us are terrible on hormonal contraception puts hand up, and as we know, barrier methods are more subject to user error and failure than hormonal ones. So even with the best will in the world, there WILL be unwanted pregnancies (that may eventually become very much wanted babies), or even semi-wanted pregnancies that become same, unless we all abstain completely.

lol shimmy....of course you are right. I wanted another, DP didn't, but i was always warning him and he was fully aware

BIS, I really feel for you. We found ourselves in this situation nearly 2 years ago and it was a very low time in our relationship.

How long have you thought you were pg before doing the test? How long has DH known that you thought you may be pregnant?

My DP went into a state of shock as we were using condoms, one of which broke and I had only just stopped breastfeeding so we thought we were fairly safe. Mentioned the morning after pill and both thought it wasn't worth the hassle of going to get it.

After I did the test I just cried and cried because it felt so different to the other times. No joy, no excitement, just we can't afford it, we've got nowhere to put another baby, we've only just started having a life again! DS2 was 11 months old at the time and another baby wasn't something we'de even thought of.

I knew that I couldn't have an abortion but DP spoke for the 1st week or so after the test as if abortion was the only option.

In the end he realised that I wouldn't do it and he couldn't force me to. He said that he would support whatever decision I made. Which I was glad about in one sense but really hurt about in others.

Throughout this pregnancy I did feel as though I was doing it on my own and DP was nowhere near as involved as he had been with DS2 (He is DS1's SD)I kept a lot of feelings to myself during this time but I felt it gave me an even stronger bond with the baby, I felt like I was fighting for her.

I'm pleased to say that DP eventually got his head around the fact that we were having another baby and shortly after she was born he did say he couldn't believe he wanted us to get rid of the baby at the start of the pregnancy.

With regards to practical stuff, we just manage. Like I did after DS1 and like we did after DS2 was born. Remind him that on paper most people think that they can't afford another one!

We had the loft converted so DS1 could move up there.

IMO DD completes our family. We're lucky in that she is a really happy, content, sunny little girl. She loves her big brothers and has them wrapped around her finger.

On the downside, childcare costs for 3 is a nightmare! So uni/work plans for me are on the back burner at the moment.

We also had to change our car as DS1 was squashed between 2 car seats and we knew he'd just keep getting bigger so the old car had to go.

I do notice that if my mum has just one of them for the afternoon it is loads easier with the 2 remaining ones but the pleasure of having her far outweighs that.

This is a huge post I know but I remember so vividly how I felt at the time and I just wanted to let you know that I understand how you are feeling and let you know that it can all work out in the end

I think you need to give him a little time to get his head around whats happening and also a gentle reminder that it is both of you who have gotten yourseleves into this situation so it's up to both of you to sort it out.

Good luck

tell him if he didn't want a child he should have been using contraception and tough luck cos you are having a third child!

Thank you for your replies, I really appreciate your time and efforts in posting your experiences.

I'd like to get the contraception thing out of the way for Shimmy et all if that's ok, then maybe we can move on becasue what's done is done and you can berate me all you like for being stupid and reckless, I'll being doing that to myself enough, but it is what it is and I have other things to think about now.

Perhaps we didn't use contraception becasue in the back of mind if I fell pregnant it would be ok, perhaps I thought I wanted it? DH didn't use it becuase he wasn't thinking, only through his penis, he was a selfish male and just wanted sex. Whatever the reason, it's happened, so if possible could we leave it there, or at least I'm leaving it there and I need to focus on other things now, like what we're going to do.

I have no idea how we make a decision like this, but make it we will.

I'm 6 days late, only tested today, first that DH has heard of it was when he walked in with the test I asked him to pick up on his way home. We have a lot of thinking andf talking to do.

Any more pros and cons to having 3 children would be appreciated.

I don't want to tell him tough luck, he's having a third child, I'd like this to be something we do together for the right reasons. Perhaps it would be best not to have this child, maybe I need to see things from his perspective? Either way, I'm not ready to tell him anything just yet.

Do you want the baby?

Really, really, in your heart of hearts?

Because if you do, if you have an abortion for your DH's sake, he won't be your DH for long, I don't think. You may well resent him for the rest of your life.

I don't know HunkerMunker, I think I want it but I have to think about why and if it really is the best/right decision first. If the answer is still yes then I realise that he can't force me to terminate and I realise I could well resent him if I make a decision that I end up regretting.

I'm scared of having three right now but that's not reason enough to not have it.
I'm scared of the impact on my sons, will my DH resent me for making him go through with it? Will it tear us apart. Is it right to bring a child into the world at whatever cost to everyone else?

I have the opportunity, through a relative, to privatley educate my youngest son. I have been told that this person could only do that for this one child. Do I take that opportunity away?

It's all food for thought.

But you'd only be educating one child privately anyway - another one might even things up a bit for your older son!

I'd think he is still reeling from seeing the results. You both need some time to think about this.

It would be wonderful if he threw his arms around you and said it was fantastic but my experience is DP went into problem solving mode and had to think all of th options through and all the different ways it would affect us first.

Also, it hasn't been such a huge change really in terms of our day to day lives. Just means I'm a better bargain hunter than I was and I buy all of their clothes for the next year in the sales!

Not sure who posted about it gives the older ones something to focus on but its very true. DD has brought out a whole other side to both of our boys.

i agree with hunker. however you could aslo end up splitting up if a 3rd child puts a strain on the relationship. that is why my mum and dad split up.

however i think it is more common for a couple to split cos the wife has an abortion she doesn't want than having a child who the husband doesn't want cos quite often that child becomes very wanted and loved and they wonder why they wanted to get rid in the first place.

I am a mother of 3, DD3 not planned but my goodness me does she give me joy, pleasure, laughter, fun, heartache, pain , turn my life upside down--- yes and absolutely worth it. If this means so much to you then fight it, maybe I was lucky DH although was[shocked] never asked me to terminate. Hold on to your belief!!!!!

How are you taking the opportunity away for your youngest son to be privately educated by having another child???? & How dare someone tell you they can afford to only put one of your children through private school & not another?? I'd tell them no thanks & send all 3 of my kids to a school I could afford myself ie: state school!

Too right I agree!!!

I am amum of 3, we only wanted 2 children, when dd1 was 9 months old I found out I was pregnant again, I cried and cried. At 28 weeks I even considered adoption, after DD1 was dignosed with CP because DS also has CP. I gave birth at 33 weeks to dd2 and as soon as I saw her I fell in love and couldn;t believe that I had actually considered giving her away. She is 5 now and she fitted in so well with my little family. She is funny and sweet. I recently found out I was pregnant again, but I lost the baby 2 weeks ago. We have discussed it and we are going for no 4 as soon as my body has recovered, [mad grin]

The private education thing is so small really, just an example of how my head is spinning.

My eldest has severe special needs so attends a school for children with special needs. This relative has kindly offered to pay for DS2. It was mentioned that if another child came along they really weren't sure they could stretch funds that far and weren't sure what they would do about that. It's not a case of how dare they. It's a really kind and generous offer and I understand they only have a certain amount of money.

Sorry to read about your recent miscarriage SparklyGothKat

It wasn't a miscarriage but a collasped Ectopic. BUT we will try again, so enough about me!!
Seriously Dd2 fitted in so easily, it was easier to adjust to 3 than 1 to 2. Dd2 is my baby, my angel, my special surprise baby. Yes its hard, I won't lie, but if I can do it with 2 disabled children, then I'm sure you will be fine.