Please help - appear to be pregnant with no 3, DH is saying NO, how do we decide and what's it like with 3?

[ButterfliesInStomach]

I tested twice today and it's saying I'm pregnant. It wasn't planned but we haven't been using contraception. Madness. However I guess as I'm not opposed to the idea I just didn't worry. Don't know what DH's excuse is as he is saying that he absolutley doesn't want a third child and he's not changing his mind.

We already have 2 sons, the eldest has special needs. The youngest just turned 1.

I think we'll cope he's saying we can't afford it, our home is too small and he just doesn't want another child, end of.

Although I'm scared I also think that both of my children would benefit from another sibling. Especially the youngest as he will have someone to share the responsibility of his brother with etc.

So how do we come to a decision when I don't want an abortion and he does?

For those with a third child please can you tell me how it affected you both and as a family and what are the pros and cons?

I always wanted more than two, so did DH until we had two and then he decided it was enough. However, he came round in the end and our dd2 was born nearly two years ago. She has added a great dimension to the family and is now at the stage the other two adore her as a playmate.

Someone else said that going from one to two is harder than two to three and I agree. The first time everything stressed me, the second time I was so worried about the effect on dd1. By the third, I could relax and truly enjoy every minute with her.

It is more work there's no getting away from that. Simple mathmatics but having three means that one of you always has at least two children so giving individual attention is more difficult.

A friend of mine had an unplanned third last year and her dh was dead set against it. It took him a few weeks to come around to the idea but he did. Obviously everyone's situation is different but maybe you could give him a few days for the news to sink in.

Sounds like you really want a third and if dh was happy you wouldn't have any doubts about this one.

Agree BIS.

I think its important for you both to distinguish which thoughts are based on fear (unfounded or otherwise), or on apprehension, or logic, or self-doubt, or practicalities etc.

3 is great but that's beside the point. Your post reads like your husband wants you to have a termination. I feel it has to be mostly your decision, but he has to take responsibility too as he didn't use contraception either. Good luck with what you decide.

Only read half the posts as it upset me too much.

1. Have the child, hope hubby comes round.
2. Have a termination and have to live with the choice. Will you feel pushed in to it? If it came to it would you keep the baby and risk your relationship, or have a temination and feel resentful about being pushed into it? It really is a case of what you can live with. You wanted a 3rd child so the only thing that appears to have changed in that you didn't have a discussion first and start trying.

Good luck.

Sorry I took so long to post I missed lots of other posts.

Wannabe - DH had said he didn't want anymore DC and I'd always said never say never. We should have been a lot more careful, we weren't and now we have to sit down and decide what we are going to do for the best, for us, for our sons, etc. It's absolutely not about telling the other what we are going to do, it's about discussing what's best for all.

If I have this baby against my husband?s wishes, I would only be doing that because I WAS prepared for the fact this would end my relationship.

Would I be able to cope as a single parent of three, one of whom has severe special needs? I have absolutely no idea, I have to think about it, seriously, if I think I might go down that route, but yes, I probably could. What if this child was planned and very much wanted and DH was run over on his way home, I'd have to cope then wouldn't I.

My son's special needs are not genetic but it could happen again and obviously when something like this happens to you once you are more concerned and seen as a higher risk. Yes that scares him, absolutely.

How will I feel if I have a termination? Right now the answer to that is terrible, I don't think I can do it, but I might come round to the idea, I might have to, I really don't know.

Do I think that I will regret it? Quite possibly yes, I hope I don't have to find out, if I do then I'll have made the decision to terminate after serious thought and consideration and it?s my / our responsibility to make sure that if I go down this route it?s for the right reasons and although I may have feeling of guilt now and then at the end of the day I will need to be able to look at myself in the mirror and say 'you made the right decision'.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by "there are already issues in your relationship which need addressing", what do you mean?

BTW I have a 5yr 10 month boy, a girl of 3 yrs 5 months and a 19 month old boy. we hoped for 4 but we aren't having any more now. Lots of irrelevant reasons but 3 is great, harder than 2 but I wouldn't be without him in a million years.

"If I have this baby against my husband?s wishes, I would only be doing that because I WAS prepared for the fact this would end my relationship."

But if you have a termination against your true wishes, won't it be the end for you anyway?

Nab3 - I don't think I could have a termination if a higher percentage of me thought it wasn't the best thing. If I can't go through with it then, quite simply, I won't and I'll have to accept that I'll be on my own. What's the other option? If DH doesn't come round to the idea and I can't terminate, what other option is there? There isn't. I'll have to get on with it. Lots of people do it. Not saying I want that, not at all, but if we can't come to a mutually agreeable decision then that's what's left.

I doubt it would end your relationship if you erally love each other it will work out.Worse would be to have a termination and regret it or like me have one and then find at a later date you want another and can't.I think you need to be 100% committed to a termination or it has effects which run nd run

Adoption?

I really feel for you. Did you secretly hope you might fall pregnant? If so, is the reality of managing on your own too big? I think you both need a big talk.

I know I'd never be able to give the baby up once I had it, it's not as if I don't want it. I'm scared, I'm not jumping for joy, it could end my relationship, it could be too much for me, I might not cope and so on and so on, but I can't say that I don't want it.

Yes if my DH was saying he was prepared to do this I'd be scared but getting my head round it and looking forward to many aspects of this pregnancy and another child. But he's not and I have to accept he may never.

We have a lot of talking to do but for now batting things around with you ladies is helping me think things through a bit in my own head.

BIS - what would your reaction have been if your DH was delighted?

Adoption always seems like the hard one - carrying the baby and being sick for 9mths just to hand your child over to someone else... in my opinion this option would be the most difficult thing to do..

But maybe it could be for you if you cant face an abortion , and cant see a 3rd child happening within your family???

dejags - see my last post

• Yes if my DH was saying he was prepared to do this I'd be scared but getting my head round it and looking forward to many aspects of this pregnancy and another child. But he's not and I have to accept he may never.

Ok the worst thing about having three:

imagine the most stressful moment with your two children. Now add a screaming baby.

Oh God no, I really, really couldn't hand my child over once he or she was here. No way, I just couldn't, that isn't an option. If I go through with the pregnancy I go through with the child.

Enid - and the best?

We were delighted although number 3 wasnt planned. Practically: We have had to shelve any plans to privately educate our children, we cannot afford it. Two of them will have to share a room. We had to buy a bigger car. We dont go on holiday as much.

But dd3 is the most wonderful, lovely little girl and I coudln't be more thrilled wiht her

Oh sweetheart, I'd bet my last penny he will. If he was that adamently opposed to another child - he'd have made much better provision when it comes to contraception.

Give him a little while. It's a huge change.

Try to base your feelings on you and not what he says. If you feel that there is no way you can continue, that is entirely your choice. It seems pretty clear though that despite the logistical issues you'd be happy with another child. Perhaps this is a logical starting point for you.

Your DH will come around, just give him a little time and space.

the best..

just having three, wonderful, different, changing little people in your home, the chatter, the laughing, the noise, the clutter, the happiness

Enid - that last post made me catch my breath and I had to choke back tears.

Oh how silly I've been. How silly we've been. God this is awful and I'm in such a mess. Please God let it all be OK in the end.

i have 4 children, when my 3rd child arrived. it was harder..but you get on with it, it wont ruin your life, but it might set you back a bit, financially etc..but nothing drastic.and as you say, it will be nice for your youngest to have another sibling who is quite close in age.
i never dreamed id have 4 children, but i couldnt imagine life without my 2 younger ones.
your dh is being unfair saying he doesnt want a third child..its tough, its happened, if he didnt want a third child he should have used precautions, if you terminate to please him, your marriage wont last..beleive me.

and fwiw-it probably hasnt sunk in properly yet..but honestly when he sees that first scan, it will be more real to him.

I have three children, they are all very close in age - now 7, 5 & 4. None of them planned, luckily dh has always been very positive.
Friends of mine found out they were pg like you 12 months after their second child, they had couselling together to help them decide what to do. They decided to terminate - I was upset, maybe because I was pg, but it wasn't my business so I just supported. They said their decision was because they just didn't want three, money, time etc. However one year later they started activly trying for another and within a short period of time got pg and went on to have their third. I don't think they'll ever forgive themselves, they are tormented by what happened.

As for having three, put it simply its three times the work of having one, but three times the joy.

My three are their own gang, the best of mates (mostly) I wouldn't change it for the world and there were only 11 months between the last two.

Have you thought about counselling?

He loves you and your children and this child is part of you and I'm sure he would never reject it or you.I think you should show him this thread it is full of such good advice and doesn't pull punches but also manages to be quite helpful aswell.Tell him this is tearing you apart and let him see how real your pain and distress is It is sometimes easier for men to detach as there isn't something living and growing inside them.I really feel for you and hope you reach a decision quickly