Please help - appear to be pregnant with no 3, DH is saying NO, how do we decide and what's it like with 3?

[ButterfliesInStomach]

I tested twice today and it's saying I'm pregnant. It wasn't planned but we haven't been using contraception. Madness. However I guess as I'm not opposed to the idea I just didn't worry. Don't know what DH's excuse is as he is saying that he absolutley doesn't want a third child and he's not changing his mind.

We already have 2 sons, the eldest has special needs. The youngest just turned 1.

I think we'll cope he's saying we can't afford it, our home is too small and he just doesn't want another child, end of.

Although I'm scared I also think that both of my children would benefit from another sibling. Especially the youngest as he will have someone to share the responsibility of his brother with etc.

So how do we come to a decision when I don't want an abortion and he does?

For those with a third child please can you tell me how it affected you both and as a family and what are the pros and cons?

ButterfliesInStomach - you said something in your very first post which is very valid. Having another child will give your DS2 someone to share the responsibility of DS1 with. I think this is a very important point for discussion with your DH. Is he scared that this child may also have special needs?

I remember when I did a pregnancy test with child no.4 my DH's first words were 'Oh F**k'. He really didn't want another baby but he did have sex without contraception (I knew what I was up to!).

He came round as the pregnancy advanced. We didn't have a lot of money but we managed. He is very proud of his family of 4.

Going from 2 children to 3 is a lot easier than 1 to 2. Your life is hectic anyway and I found that the baby fitted in with us. Your confidence as a parent is higher and that is why I think third babies (and more) are much less hassle.

Feelings are running high at the moment - I am sure they will settle.

The big pro for me in having 4 children is that they support each other. I am one of 5 girls and we are there for each other when problems arise.

The cons are that life is hectic. It can be expensive if you let it. I have friends who have 2 children but they spend more on their house and foreign holidays than we do. Finance is all relative to what you want or need to spend it on.

I would rather have my 4 children than an expensive suntan!

Thank you for that post Mears
That initial reason I mentioned in my first post for having a third child is indeed very valid, in fact resons don't come much more valid than that
Yes DH is worried this child will have special needs as well, as am I. We went to hell and back 5 times over when when we expecting our second child. It's something else to think about.
It's lovely to hear how all you children support each other and confirms what I think about child no.3 and DS2 being there to support each other and DS1, especially when DH and I aren't around.

good luck BIS, I was lucky that even though I didn't want to be pregnant (but I don't agree with abortion, for myself) and DH was very abortion was never mentioned (well the GP asked me if I wanted to go ahead with pregnancy when I burst into tears while at the doctors) and I had lots of support.

BiS, sorry, sweetheart - I hadn't seen about your oldest having special needs when I posted re education.

I agree with Mears - very valid reason that needs a lot of discussion with your DH.

Guess I better try and get some sleep.

BIS - a good friend of mine's first baby was born with hydrocephaly and had successful surgery to put in a shunt to drain excess fluid from his brain. Sadly he died at 3 weeks which was classed as cotdeath. She then had 2 healthy children. When her youngest was 8 years old she discovered she was pregnant. Her DH was adament that she should have an abortion. He was very concerned that this baby would have the same condition as their first. She decided to have an amnio to exclude abnormailty. Her DH went with her and totally changed his mind when he saw the baby on scan. The amnio was normal (it wouldn't have picked up hydrocephaly anyway incidentally) which reassured him. Thankfully her prenancy progressed well (amnio can cause miscarriage). They then went on to have another baby because of the age gap between the first 2. her DH was happy with that pregnancy because they both planned it.

I think your DH is just in shock just now. Once you can discuss it rationally I am sure he will come round.

Give it time to sink in. You've had a few days to ponder this, your DH has had a few hours.

from the way you post it seems that you really want it and as someone else said you must listen to what you want.

Best wishes with everything - it must be very hard.

Similar(ish) situation with me years ago. I wanted a third, dh didn't after months of talking i had my coil removed, told dh and left it up to him to plan the family! # months later I was pg. Dh wasn't happy and very briefly pushed the idea of abortion.

Advantages for us were that ds2 changed the family dynamics in a really positive way. The three of them get on really well especially now they are older and I believe they will always be close and there for each other in times of good and bad.

My first two are very close in age as your second two will be. I think the first 2 years will be very tiring for you as you will have two babies plus your ds with sn but once the youngest gets to 2 they will be great company for each other and everything gets easier.

You will be more confident and relaxed as a parent third time round.

The main disadvantage is cost, especially as they get older but I agree with mears in that you sort out your priorities.

Good luck with whatever you and dh decide.

It's not any easier today. I awoke this morning and was terrified and thought no I can't do this. As DH dressed DS1 and I dressed DS2 this morning I thought, how's this going to work? As DS2 cried and moaned and DS1 refused to cooperate I thought it's going to hell.
Then I looked at their faces, thought about how much I love them and thought I'll love this one just as much.
I really, really don't know what to do.

what a situation

i can see why a child with special needs, plus a 1yr old, might be scary for him. perhaps you could both chat to a counsellor of GP and see what your feelings are. Having a 3rd person can help people get more out.

I really, really hope this works out best for you both.

i had this happen to me last year, fell pg (3rd time)without expecting it... i kind of wanted to keep it but dh didnt really want any more strain on our finances or marriage.. so i had an abortion. Glad i did, personally. i look at people with 3 kids now and think "thank f**K that isnt me!!

Plus your youngest is only 1 yr old!! there would be no gap at all and i guess its up to you to work out whether life would be a struggle or not!

i find it so difficult how utterly one sided the responses on mn are to these kinds of things.

two of you made the baby, you are in a relationship and i'm assuming that your relationship with your dh means a lot to you.

of course he can't make you have a termination, but is it less reprehensible to keep the baby if he really doesn't want it.

of course you will resent him if you do something 'for' him...HE will resent you if you go entirely against his wishes.

there is an underlying seam of implicit horror at the concept of a married mother having an abortion on this thread I think.

I'm not suggesting that you should have a termination, I AM suggesting that you should reach a consensus with your dh unless you are willing to put your relationship at risk.

he is not the baddie, you have both behaved irresponsibly, and your lack of communication with regards to whether or not you want to have another child and what to do about contraception if not cannot be placed solely at his door.

i wish you courage and the will to find a way to do this that you can both live with.

Thanks FrenchConnection. It's great to read about experiences where couples have had 3 and it's all fine and rosy but good to know there's someone who hasn't regretted not going ahead as well.
Oh dear me

Thankyou sophable. I agree entirely. I want the decision we come to to be our decision. I wouldn't dream of telling him to lump it I'm having this child whether he likes it or not. If I can't terminate then I know I will have to be prepapred to go ahead and do this on my own.

that's not fair on you though is it....which is why you have to find a way to meet on this and soon.

it is a really really difficult and painful situation you find yourself faced with. the 'you're the mother, you're carrying the child, he is a shit for not using a condom' crap that has been posted on here does nothing to help you through a complicated and emotionally fraught crisis.

you are both parents of your children, there are so many factors at play. the feeling that the younger brother would have someone to help him bear the responsibility of his eldest sibling is something I think it is entirely right for you to consider. but it assumes that this child will be NT and also assumes that both your existing children will thank you for having less time and energy to be involved with them than you already do (as you felt this morning).

then there is the visceral, primal love feelings that begin almost as soon as you conceive....incredibly hard to fight. and dh is coming from a place where he is not feeling that stuff and therefore is able to be distanced from this decision in a way you are not (which is not necessarily a good thing).

I sincerely hope, really sincerely, that either you can reconcile yourself to the fact that this pregnancy cannot continue, as your husbands feelings against it are too strong and your too ambivalent, or that you have your baby from a place of both of you feeling that this is what you must do. can you write down how you feel, both for and against, it might help you to clarify, and maybe get him to do that too?

sorry didnt mean to be one-sided there, just speaking about personal experience....
its such a hard situation as there is no half way point to meet your dh at.. you either keep the baby or you dont.

Sophable I agree totally with your posts. These things are utterly dreadful choices.

FWIW I had a third and toyed with a termination as my X was furious about it and thought it would place an unbearable strain on us. Yes we are not together but my third baby had nothing to do with it and was easy peasy and wonderful and continues to be a joy every day.

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Butterflies I think it goes without saying that you and your dh need to sit down and have a serious discussion about all this. It seems to me that a serious lack of communication has caused this in the first place, neither of you were using contraception, but it seems that there has never actually been a discussion about whether you were/weren?t going to have any more children. It?s time to start communicating now.

I agree with sophable in that this needs to be a decision you need to make together, not you saying he has to like it or him saying you have to terminate. This isn?t just about this baby, this is also about your other two children.

If you have this baby against your dh?s wishes, are you prepared for the fact this could end your relationship? Would you be able to cope as a single parent of three, one of whom has severe special needs? May I ask what the extent is of your eldest child?s sn? Is it something that is possibly genetic and is there therefore a chance your baby will be sn as well? A lot of people find it hard to contemplate having other children if they already have one with sn, is it possible your dh is thinking like this and that this is what scares him?

From the other side, if you have a termination, how will that make you feel? Do you think that you will regret it? Or do you think you could have a termination knowing that you are doing what is best for your family? If you terminate this pregnancy, it has to be because you agree that it is the right thing for all of you, not just because your dh wants you to do it.

I think you could both benefit from some counselling, because whatever path this situation takes, I think there are already issues in your relationship which need addressing.

But many women dont regret them( me being one of them), sometimes they are horrible but necessary to continue a peaceful happy life with the family you already have.. hard decision every time though...(ive had 2 terminations btw)

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I am currently 23 weeks pregnant with an unplanned baby. We were also not using contraception - so I am not really sure it can be classified as being unplanned.

Although my situation differs from yours in that DH and I were happy about the pregnancy, we both took a long time to come to terms with it. The practicalities loomed over us - like you, "how will we afford it", "what about our application to immigrate to Australia?", and on and on.

As the pregnancy progressed I got sicker and sicker. Some days I actually felt suicidal because I was so sick. I really wanted out on a few particularly bad days.

Last Friday I had my 22 week scan and saw our little girl on the screen. I was blown away by my response and without a shadow of a doubt I know she is worth it. I love this child so much, despite all the early fears and doubts.

Not one sided just suggesting that this may be a possibility for you too.

Good luck with whatever you decide and keep your chin up. The right solution for your is out there whatever it may be.

Sophable, - oh I know I was just picking up on other peoples comments, re just telling him I'm having it, I?m not going to do that and I?ve asked him to not just expect me to go with a decision he thinks he?s made.
We both need to sit down and carefully weigh up the pros and cons. I don't want to have this baby at any cost and I don?t want to terminate without feeling in my heart that it really is the best decision for my family, and me.
A pen and paper will definitely be present when we discuss our feelings and what we think we should do.

Frenchconnection ? I appreciate you sharing your personal experiences. I don?t think you were being one-sided, you were talking about what happened to you, thank you for that.