Partner is choosing cats over me :-(

[FruitCider]

Been advised to post on here by someone on AIBU.

For a few years now I have suspected I have a cat allergy, this was confirmed on Tuesday by respiratory outpatients, who I see for my asthma. I'm on 3 different inhalers, a reliever inhaler, tablets for asthma, 2 tablets, nose and eye drops for my allergies. My respiratory consultant has advised me to get rid of the cats ASAP. She has said my next attack could be my last attack eg it might kill me.

I have relayed this to my partner of 9 years and he has gone ballistic, saying the cats cannot go. I said they have to, now he wants to leave with them.

I feel utterly devastated. I can't believe that I am lower in his priorities than 2 cats. I lost my dad at the beginning of the year, my best friend has developed alcoholism and is no longer there for me, and all of my uni friends have gone home now their degree has finished. I've lost contact with all of my regular friends due to the stupid nursing degree I have been studying.

I honestly think my partner will leave me this weekend.

What the hell do I do now? If he goes I have nothing left

Seeing as youre so addicted to something absolutely pointless and could lead to the sme thing that killed your dad

That's a low blow. And considering my dad died from bowel cancer, pretty moronic too. I have nothing left to say to you!

Ok so I've written a draft seperation agreement outlining shared residency, how the savings should be dealt with, who takes what property. Anything else I need to include? How much notice should I give him to get out with the cats (if that's the route he decides to take?)

I'm assuming this needs signing in front of a solicitor?

He chose which pussy he wanted ...let him go!

If things have broken down to this stage, do you think he'll sign the agreement?

It doesn't seem that it would be a good idea for him to do so - there are no benefits to him.

There are benefits to him - I'm offering to clear some of his debts as my income is higher than his. I'm also offering to give him maintenance.

Why are you offering maintenance? How are you dividing your child's time between you?

What are his debts for? Are they for joint spending, or things he bought himself? If the latter I definitely wouldn't offer to pay them.

The good thing about not being married is that you can go your separate ways. You don't need to pay his debts or give him maintenance, just separate and don't have contact any more. It's sad about him and the cats, but that's his choice that sounds motivated by other things.

Realistically because I work 13.5 hour shifts 3 days a week my dd would be with him 4 nights. His credit card debt is actually mine - I paid for my car on my credit card and he balance transferred it to his 0% one. It wouldn't be a massive amount of maintenance, but my rent is £460 and he would be looking at £900 a month private. The maintenance would be to cover half of her childcare bill (£340 a month would be half) I just want the best for my daughter.

I really think before signing up to anything like that, you should take proper legal advice. Can you have a ring round and see if there are any local solicitors who do a free initial consultation?

I was going to do that, just trying to draft something before I see solicitor

As many others have said - the cats are his priority. If your DD was allergic to them would he have the same attitude?

Why do you think he'd take your daughter and you'd not see her again?

Why are the savings not in a joint account?

I think you need to get that sorted out whether you stay together or not TBH.

I think from your comments here that he wants you to give up the e cigs and then if you still have breathing difficulties he may concede to rehome them as a last resort

I'm a cat lover .... but my human family members come first over them without a doubt.

Don't pay maintenance to a man who isn't your husband.

You have no legal obligation to do so. If you need to pay child support because he has DD more than you, then that's fine.

Thousands of men are choosing not to get married because of the fear of maintenance and you want to give money away when you shouldn't be.

Please be careful before suggesting any financial arrangements

Do you mean child support rather than maintenance?

I'm worried that you are disadvantaging yourself here

He may well end up paying a lot for private rent. It is his choice to leave and take that expense on.

Does he work full time?
Will your daughter need childcare on your non working days, or will you look after her then?

The maintenance would be to cover half of her childcare bill (£340 a month would be half)

Does this mean that you are each paying half her childcare? Or that you are paying your half, and then giving him 'maintenance' for his half?

If he cares for her 4 nights per week and you 3 then the CSA would probably suggest that you pay a small amount of child support. Look up their online calculator to see what they suggest for your income, I think it will be much less than you expect. Of course some choose to pay above this, but please don't fall into the trap of agreeing to pay him lots due to- guilt? Wanting to get it over with? You need your earnings for caring for your daughter. Maybe put the extra money into a savings account for her future/ a rainy day. He might spend all the money on luxury cat food!

I just want the best for my daughter.

Of course. Sadly he doesn't, otherwise he would prioritise keeping her family together over his pets.

It would mean us both paying half. I could give him half and he can pay the bill?

We were already planning to pay for 5 days a week as he works mon - fri 9-5 and my shifts change

why are you offering maintenance when he has all your savings, well actually why pay maintenance at all. And what makes you think he is taking your child too? This thread is baffling

Because he was the primary carer until Monday and said he is taking her!

If he goes I have nothing left This is quite defeatist thinking: stop it now. You will be alive and healthier. You will have your self-respect and dignity. You are a wonderful nurse doing a very hard job (with the cats out of your way you may find you are able to work more efficiently health-wise)...you are extraordinarily valid. You do not need him at all.

Why would you trust him with anything, if you can't trust that he would want you to be as healthy as possible? You have only yourself to rely on (and your dc to rely on you-they have no choice) to get the best possible financial arrangement. I am not saying screw him, but his outcome should not be your priority.

He is, at this point, an unknown quantity. You thought you knew him but he has proved you wrong on that and in a most spectacular way.

Being "fair" is noble and looks good on paper, but down the line when you have exponentially more expenses for your dc than he (as he will prioritize the kitties before people) you will need that money .

You started out angry about this, and rightly so. Imho, you must keep that anger through the entire separation process to do the best you can for yourself. He has lost the privileged of having you look out for him.

Fruitcider I have a really bad allergy to cats too. Some people have what I call a bit of an allergy and then there is the completely being unable to breathe allergy which I have. I don't even go in people's houses who have cats. I won't let my children near cats because I can't have the hair on their clothes coming into contact with me. I totally understand how hard it is to get people to understand that yes, people really can die from being exposed to cat hair.

Good luck with everything and negotiate hard with your stbex. Make a list of what YOU want without compromising on anything, even if deep down you are prepared to compromise a lot. let him come back to YOU with what he will agree to, then bargain further. Don't go offering away all your bargaining chips straight away.

Because he was the primary carer until Monday and said he is taking her!

Why do you want to marry this selfish man anyway? You've seen the raging red flags before marriage - do you think marriage will make him any better.

She's your daughter as well and you should have 50/50 custody of her.

But isn't he working full time now whilst you are free over the summer until you start work? So he's not a sahd anymore? And he doesn't have anywhere to live yet, she should stay with you until he does, and then split residency.

Talk to him about how you split the week. Will he be OK to have her on the days you work? Or will he want regular days? Will you split weekends equally?

I would pay your half of her nursery fees yourself, rather than paying them to him. Don't set a precedent for paying him money until you are certain about any amounts.

Looking at the online CSA calculator, if you earn 380 a week (based on a 22k salary with 9% pension, I don't know if that is correct for a newly qualified nurse, I'm just guessing), and you have your daughter 3 nights per week and he has her four, then they suggest you pay him 26pounds per week. Under the circumstances that he has decided to leave you and the cavalier approach he has taken to your health, frankly I wouldn't want to cushion him financially from the repercussions of his selfish decisions! Yes private rented will be expensive, that is his choice to leave your HA home and take that on.

www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance/y/pay/1_child/no/380.0/0/3

Bear in mind that you will still have some cat related issues as your daughter will come back from his with cat dander on her clothes and self.

My salary is quite a bit higher than that due to extra enhancements. It's going to be more than £27.5k starting.

they all threaten to take the children - why would you lay down and let him take her. You can say no?

Cleary the relationship is over from what you have written.

I doubt he really wants your DD full time with you occasional contact as he'll be the one stuck in every evening and unable to move on!

Residency usually has a 50/50 starting basis. Seek legal advice and ensure you do not agree to do all the work as well as footing a maintenance bill!!! Basically ensure it is fair and not him screwing you over or vice versa both in terms of leisure time with DD and £

How often do you Hoover etc ? It's possible to live with the allergy as long as you keep the hair under control . My friend does , you just have to be super clean .

Absolute rubbish! It's not the hair it's the dander. From their skin! It gets everywhere and even deep cleans don't always help people with severe allergies.

And why would you take the risk? Nice furry pets versus, you know, dying.

No brainer really.