Partner is choosing cats over me :-(

[FruitCider]

Been advised to post on here by someone on AIBU.

For a few years now I have suspected I have a cat allergy, this was confirmed on Tuesday by respiratory outpatients, who I see for my asthma. I'm on 3 different inhalers, a reliever inhaler, tablets for asthma, 2 tablets, nose and eye drops for my allergies. My respiratory consultant has advised me to get rid of the cats ASAP. She has said my next attack could be my last attack eg it might kill me.

I have relayed this to my partner of 9 years and he has gone ballistic, saying the cats cannot go. I said they have to, now he wants to leave with them.

I feel utterly devastated. I can't believe that I am lower in his priorities than 2 cats. I lost my dad at the beginning of the year, my best friend has developed alcoholism and is no longer there for me, and all of my uni friends have gone home now their degree has finished. I've lost contact with all of my regular friends due to the stupid nursing degree I have been studying.

I honestly think my partner will leave me this weekend.

What the hell do I do now? If he goes I have nothing left

I would suggest you need to give your head a wobble!

So you dont consider pets as prt of the family then? Lower life forms? Theure "just cats" yes?

We Hoover twice a day with a miela pet hair filtre, I dust once a day.

flacidunicorn

Careful now, if OP doesn't get the responses she wants she accuses you of being a troll.

I respect all animals, being a vegan! However undoubtedly when it comes to the crunch my lungs are more important than them. Anyone that would prioritise their pets over their health is just bonkers.

Oh dear you've had the same responses on this thread and you really don't like it. Reading between the lines I think your partner has asked you to give up smoking (that includes e cigarettes) before reforming the beloved pets. You are refusing and hence YABVVU.

OP People are weird about smoking and ecigs etc on here, say you smoke and you're the devil themselves and therefore scum deserving everything you get. Just tune it out.

First off get your money back, building society accounts are easier to open than a bank if you don't have your own.

Don't worry about losing your child, they all say that to scare you into keeping things the way they are. The facts are he won't get rid of the cats despite your health. It may take a major attack before he sees the light but if he doesn't even then it'll crush you.

Will he sit down and have a calm conversation with you about moving into another house with his animals? It doesn't mean you have to split up, I've known married couples to keep their own houses, it works for them.

I've been wanting to get married for 6 years, but there has always been an excuse.

You've been desperately dragging this along for 6 years and still don't see he won't marry you. Time to cut your losses and move on .

Are you the one doing the hoovering and dusting a couple of times a day?

Again you are not listening to people.

I can understand he'd be upset about the cats but if you're Not helping yourself why should he bother.

My DH has a cat allergy, we wiped the kitten down with special wipes for the first few weeks and now he's ok but if he suddenly became allergic again then the cat would have to go. That's because my DH is my priority - your DH hasn't made you his priority.

I'd take the bull by the horns and get Rid of him.

And stop the ecigs. They will not be helping

He's giving you a message loud and clear. Tell him to pack his bags and take the cats and go. Your health is too important, if he really cared then the cats would be gone.

We had to rehome our cats as our DS was allergic to them and developed asthma. It was hard but we really don't miss them now. It was a total no brainier to rehome them.

I haven't refused to give them up. He bought it up and I said I was happy to quit provided he rehomed the cats. The answer was no.

Gamerchick - even if they have a small child?

However undoubtedly when it comes to the crunch my lungs are more important than them. Anyone that would prioritise their pets over their health is just bonkers.

Thats a perfet response, thanknyou.

Anyone tht would priprotise their pets over their health is just bonkers.... and yet someone that prioritises a 6 inch tube of plastic over their health is absolutely normal... lovely..

Actually that piece of plastic is prioritising my health, as it is the longest I have been smoke free. And I did wean myself down to 0 nicotine, then my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and died 10 weeks later. When I had the dreaded call from the hospice 140 miles away I chucked my 6mg liquid in my bag. He died before I got there. I certainly needed the 6mg after clutching my dads dead body and crying my fucking heart out. I've weaned back down to 2.5mg since then. Not too bad in 6 months considering the stress of doing my management placement whilst writing my dissertation and trying to look after a 3 year old. But I guess you are super human and have no flaws eh?!?!?

OP was probably hoping that posting on relationships would get her some support because ending a relationship is hard and upsetting. Mn is usually good at offering support in these situations but if you're a smoker or a vaper all bets are off - you're the scum of the earth and deserve everything you have coming to you.

Well done for stopping smoking, you've done an amazing thing for your health and your DC's. So sorry to hear about your loss Do get some proper advice, not sure you can just kick him out and change the locks. He might have something called 'home rights'. I'm on my phone so can't link but have a look at CAB website.

Good luck!

He hasn't got home rights because I'm the sole tenant.

Thank you though. Love your username

I haven't refused to give them up. He bought it up and I said I was happy to quit provided he rehomed the cats.

^^
While you see this as a compromise, it doesn't come across that way at all. You should be giving up vaping because you have a health issue, not because he re-homes the cats. I agree that vaping is probably not going to kill you, but nonetheless you should have the aim of giving it up completely. It's a separate issue to your cats.

I can see your partners point of view too, you are responsible for the well being of your pets, the are dependent on you, and he doesn't want to let them go. I would probably have the same reaction if I was categorically told to get rid of my pets.

Surely there is a compromise somewhere-can they live outside? Or if they are indoor cats can you minimize the shedded fur byt getting a pet vacuum and changing your carpets for wood floors?

A family member had asthma and a cat allergy. We were advised by the hospital to get rid. The family member was devastated. We found that keeping the cat out of the bedroom, damp dusting, getting rid of carpets and having blinds instead of curtains really helpful. Also have you heard of the pet wipes that help minimise allergens?
All that may still not be enough. Pen in garden with limited access to house?
If the cats are going to kill you even with all possible compromises then you can't live with them. If he chooses to leave with the cats rather than be with you then you have your answer.

Seeing as youre so addicted to something absolutely pointless and could lead to the sme thing that killed your dad i would have thought you would understand how hard it is to give up something.
It maybe nicotine, it may be cats, it may be alcohol. But giving up something youre addicted to or love is difficult, many think its one of the hardest things a person can do. You have weaned yourself down, but you're still addicted, still cant quite go cold turkey, yet you're expecting your OH to do what you cannot.

Flip the situation, your OH says you must quit ecigs / smoking right this second as its negatively affecting him. Could you just happily put them down and never pick them backnup? By your own posts, the evidemce would say not. Can you not understnd how your OH is feeling?

I am absolutely flabbergasted at how vile posters are being to the op. What the hell?

Perhaps she didn't take your advice instantly. This is her actual life, with all its flaws and complications. So she doesn't do exactly what some random on the internet suggests therefore she deserves everything she gets. Honestly, if that's your view, you seriously need to get off the internet and get some perspective, and empathy.

This is awful. I really love cats, but I would never choose them above my partner. This guy who dares to call himself your boyfriend is an obvious bastard. I really cannot believe that there are people in this world who do stuff like that. I hope you are okay.

I can't believe this thread has gone the same way as the other one, with everyone focusing on the e cigarettes.

whilst I really really hate smoking, the e cigarettes really aren't the issue here. The OP's consultant respiratory Dr knows she vapes, yet has told her the cats are the problem.

It's like someone with a peanut allergy and asthma saying 'my partner won't stop eating peanuts around me' and everyone saying 'well, if you smoke e cigarettes then who can blame him'

I think the OP was hoping for some practical advice about how to end her relationship, esp around custody of her child, as her partner said he would take their child and the cats with him
He was the primary carer until recently as OP was studying full time, this week he started working full time whilst the OP is awaiting her registration to seek nursing work, can anyone advise her on custody?

And also some emotional advice about how to cope when you realise your partner prioritises you lower than you expected

Also OP when the cats are gone have someone else there whilst you clean the flat as you may have a bad asthma attack, or better still get a cleaner in if you can afford it

Hey OP. I haven't read the first thread. Well done on quitting smoking, first of all. And I'm sorry to hear about your dad

You're having a tough time lately, sounds like you have some fight in you though, you'll be ok. You need to get practical now. You said that your savings are in his accounts - why is that? Can you get them back?

OP, ignore the vipers and the cat nutters. If he won't get rid of the cats then he has to go and take them with him.

People here just don't seem to understand how bad allergies can be. My DS1 has asthma and has twice been hospitalised because of contact with houses where cats live. The dander is lethal and you can never get rid of it all.

People need to stop banging on about the ecigs. The consultant said the cats have to go. Amateur medical advice from random cat-loving MNetters shouldn't be listened to or offered.