Partner is choosing cats over me :-(

[FruitCider]

Been advised to post on here by someone on AIBU.

For a few years now I have suspected I have a cat allergy, this was confirmed on Tuesday by respiratory outpatients, who I see for my asthma. I'm on 3 different inhalers, a reliever inhaler, tablets for asthma, 2 tablets, nose and eye drops for my allergies. My respiratory consultant has advised me to get rid of the cats ASAP. She has said my next attack could be my last attack eg it might kill me.

I have relayed this to my partner of 9 years and he has gone ballistic, saying the cats cannot go. I said they have to, now he wants to leave with them.

I feel utterly devastated. I can't believe that I am lower in his priorities than 2 cats. I lost my dad at the beginning of the year, my best friend has developed alcoholism and is no longer there for me, and all of my uni friends have gone home now their degree has finished. I've lost contact with all of my regular friends due to the stupid nursing degree I have been studying.

I honestly think my partner will leave me this weekend.

What the hell do I do now? If he goes I have nothing left

[user1469017213]

^ agree Roar

[roarfeckingroar]

MN is a funny place.

Vaping is evil and any addiction is irrelevant - the person is selfish and weak.

Being overweight, however, through lack of self control I mean not due to medical reasons, cannot be criticised despite the similar health risks, diabetes etc.

OP - it's hard but you need to walk away. They're cats and you are supposedly his partner. He should have suggested rehiring them himself.

[FruitCider]

However, ecigs are extremely bad for you if you have asthma.

Says who? All the evidence and public statements suggest they are 95% less harmful than smoking.

[FruitCider]

having asthma that's induced by both cats and cigarette smoke.

Yes cigarette smoke is an issue. That's why I have quit smoking. I'm not classed as a smoker anymore, vaping doesn't produce smoke (the clue is in the name)

[KittyLaRoux]

You sound nuts to be honest. I hate cats and they have the same affect on me. However, ecigs are extremely bad for you if you have asthma.

Are you a Dr Daenerys?

E cigs are not bad for you if you have asthma. They do not contain the chemicals that ciggerettes do which irritate the lungs. Jesus again another ignorant know it all who actually knows fuck all.

[KittyLaRoux]

The e cig has no smoke it is vapour.
Smoking is not always an irritant to those with asthma.
The OP is severely allergic to cats not smoke or ciggerettes.
Allergies can progress over time and it is the allergic reaction to the cats that is life threatening for the OP.

So yeah you clearly are that ignorant Aye

[AyeAmarok]

I'm not that ignorant Kitty, having asthma that's induced by both cats and cigarette smoke.

I'm just amazed that someone with such supposedly serious asthma would smoke cigarettes and/or an e-cig.

[Daenerys2]

You sound nuts to be honest. I hate cats and they have the same affect on me. However, ecigs are extremely bad for you if you have asthma.

[purplefox]

Don't offer him maintenance, I'd expect he'd use this as proof he's the primary carer.

I absolutely love him to pieces.
And if he loved you the cats would be going and there wouldn't be a need for this thread.

[KittyLaRoux]

The dying thing is probably a bit of an exaggeration, given they've had the cats for years, and the OP has been smoking 20 a day in that time.

God you are very ignorant Aye

[sansXsouci]

I'm amazed by the number of nasty and ignorant comments on this thread. Allergies such a the op's can trigger asthma attacks, just because they have been living with the cats for years doesn't mean it's not potentially fatal, the op didn't know what had been exacerbating her attacks until she had the pinprick test. The fact that she even saw a consultant and had the allergy tests probably means her asthma had been very bad. DH nearly lost his life and had to be resuscitated due to asthma, it turned out there were a number of things he was allergic to that had been triggering asthma attacks for years, we didn't realise, but once we new we eliminated them and he hasn't has any hospital admissions since. He vapes too, far from ideal, but much better than smoking. I have never smoked, but I'm not an idiot I realize that giving up smoking is exceptionally difficult and vaping is much better than smoking and it doesn't exacerbate his asthma in the way his allergies do.

[SandyY2K]

My DB is allergic to cats among a few things and has had to be rushed to hospital following attacks triggered by cats. It is very serious and can be life threatening.

Re choosing pets over partners. I met with an engaged couple to discuss their upcoming marriage. Through the meeting he spoke of looking forward to his dog (currently at his parent's house) being with them when they bought a home of their own.

Then she looked rather bemused saying that wasn't going to happen and she didn't care for dogs. This couple were due to marry in 5 months time and after the dog discussion - the wedding was cancelled and they split up.

I thought what if we'd never come on to discussing pets, then I realised it would have ended up being another divorce so I didn't feel bad after all.

Pets mean more to some people.

[iminshock]

I don't think it's that unusual for someone to choose their animal over their partner. It's just that most people don't ever have to make that choice.

[RandomMess]

I'm saddened by the ignorance regarding asthma on this thread, yes people in the UK do still die of asthma attacks and yes it can be those who've had it under control for years. It is a very serious condition.

I am allergic to cats, house dust mites. dogs, pollens, grasses - well an awful lots of stuff but I don't have asthma so I live with pets and the effects can be irritating and annoying but not life threatening.

[AyeAmarok]

Why don't you agree to pay off your debts with that, and split what is left? He might be more amenable to that rather than giving you half and then him keeping your debt.

[FruitCider]

Between us we have about £9500.

[AyeAmarok]

The dying thing is probably a bit of an exaggeration, given they've had the cats for years, and the OP has been smoking 20 a day in that time.

[AyeAmarok]

Quit the ecig.

Then tell him your have come to your senses and realised he's had a foot out of the relationship for years and you don't want to be in a relationship like that.

How much have you in savings?

[Nanny0gg]

How often do you Hoover etc ? It's possible to live with the allergy as long as you keep the hair under control . My friend does , you just have to be super clean .

Absolute rubbish! It's not the hair it's the dander. From their skin! It gets everywhere and even deep cleans don't always help people with severe allergies.

And why would you take the risk? Nice furry pets versus, you know, dying.

No brainer really.

[RandomMess]

Cleary the relationship is over from what you have written.

I doubt he really wants your DD full time with you occasional contact as he'll be the one stuck in every evening and unable to move on!

Residency usually has a 50/50 starting basis. Seek legal advice and ensure you do not agree to do all the work as well as footing a maintenance bill!!! Basically ensure it is fair and not him screwing you over or vice versa both in terms of leisure time with DD and £

[smilingeyes11]

they all threaten to take the children - why would you lay down and let him take her. You can say no?

[FruitCider]

My salary is quite a bit higher than that due to extra enhancements. It's going to be more than £27.5k starting.

[HopelesslydevotedtoGu]

But isn't he working full time now whilst you are free over the summer until you start work? So he's not a sahd anymore? And he doesn't have anywhere to live yet, she should stay with you until he does, and then split residency.

Talk to him about how you split the week. Will he be OK to have her on the days you work? Or will he want regular days? Will you split weekends equally?

I would pay your half of her nursery fees yourself, rather than paying them to him. Don't set a precedent for paying him money until you are certain about any amounts.

Looking at the online CSA calculator, if you earn 380 a week (based on a 22k salary with 9% pension, I don't know if that is correct for a newly qualified nurse, I'm just guessing), and you have your daughter 3 nights per week and he has her four, then they suggest you pay him 26pounds per week. Under the circumstances that he has decided to leave you and the cavalier approach he has taken to your health, frankly I wouldn't want to cushion him financially from the repercussions of his selfish decisions! Yes private rented will be expensive, that is his choice to leave your HA home and take that on.

www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance/y/pay/1_child/no/380.0/0/3

Bear in mind that you will still have some cat related issues as your daughter will come back from his with cat dander on her clothes and self.

[SandyY2K]

Because he was the primary carer until Monday and said he is taking her!

Why do you want to marry this selfish man anyway? You've seen the raging red flags before marriage - do you think marriage will make him any better.

She's your daughter as well and you should have 50/50 custody of her.

[captainproton]

Fruitcider I have a really bad allergy to cats too. Some people have what I call a bit of an allergy and then there is the completely being unable to breathe allergy which I have. I don't even go in people's houses who have cats. I won't let my children near cats because I can't have the hair on their clothes coming into contact with me. I totally understand how hard it is to get people to understand that yes, people really can die from being exposed to cat hair.

Good luck with everything and negotiate hard with your stbex. Make a list of what YOU want without compromising on anything, even if deep down you are prepared to compromise a lot. let him come back to YOU with what he will agree to, then bargain further. Don't go offering away all your bargaining chips straight away.