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Relationships

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Original poster

The relationship with your dh/dp is ultimately more important than that with your dcs - discuss

120 replies

mumblechum · 23/01/2007 13:33

It has occurred to me lately that once your children get more independent - say 11, they want to spend more and more time with their friends, leaving you with time to really get back in touch with your dh.

I'm really loving this phase. After all those years of feeling knackered, juggling little kids and holding down a responsible job with virtually no help from dh (travelled constantly), we spend lots of time now going for long walks, playing golf, talking for hours in bed at the weekends, it's a new lease of life.

I don't mean you should neglect your kids to focus on your dh/dp when they're young, but you should remember that they're going to fly the nest at 18, when you and your dh still have (hopefully) 30 or 40 years together.

Anyone else feel this way?

OP posts:

FioFio · 23/01/2007 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

noddyholder · 23/01/2007 13:35

We had 3 days after xmas when ds (12) went to my aprents and it was lovely.My ds spends all his time with his friends and we do a lot of lying around reading the papers and drinking tea and it is lovely.I don't think dp is more important but I agree that you have to keep the relationship alive because you will come to this stage and you want to enjoy it not think 'Who are you?'

Cappuccino · 23/01/2007 13:38

I think definitely that my relationship with dh is the most important thing

there'd be no damn kids at all if it hadn't been for us

skibump · 23/01/2007 13:39

I agree. In the end our dc are (with luck) going to choose to move away from us and find their own places in the world. I think at least half of bringing up children is being able to let them go, and to do that well we need to be happy with our own lives, not 100% invested in them.

happystory · 23/01/2007 13:42

We are in this stage now. Sometimes it feels a little weird and is taking a bit of getting used to. Ds is 15 and out a lot at weekends, not late usually in by 11 at the latest unless a special party. It's odd to be at home waiting for him to come in! But yes dh and I are having more quality time together. And little things like going to look for new furniture or whatever, which would bore the kids to death, means now you can leave them at home and it makes it more enjoyable.
Having said that, ds was going to go out on New Year's Eve with mates but didn't (was raining!) and it was lovely having a New Year's Eve 'party' just the 4 of us.
It's a stage I hadn't given much thought to, but it's rather nice.

Fireflyfairy2 · 23/01/2007 13:44

Lovely reading that mumblechum, just lovely. My kids are still very young, 5 & 2 but I hope to feel the way you do when they are 15 & 12.

My parents had 8 children & stayed together for over 30 years. When 5 of us flew the nest in short spaces of time they suddenly had time to spend with each other & found out they had nothing in common anymore. He said she give too much of her time to the kids & ignored him to the point that they only shared a bed & never an opinion We all find it very sad, & although mum denies putting us before dad & their relationship, the niggling doubt at the back of my head is always to work on my relationship with dh & always remember that we will have lots of years after they have left home to get to have some fun again....

I'm glad you are having fun, I really am

ishouldbeironing · 23/01/2007 13:49

Yes we are in the same position and because I am now a SAHM I have found myself now thinking longer term ie what will happen when they go?
I feel that I am now able to lift my head again and look around me at different options as opposed to head down and just getting through the day.
My relationship with DH is improving all the time and I am really enjoying this phase.

skibump · 23/01/2007 13:53

Sorry, I'm a bit new, what's SAHM?

pianist · 23/01/2007 13:54

stay at home mum
click on acronym list above

ishouldbeironing · 23/01/2007 13:54

STAY AT HOME MUM

OrmIrian · 23/01/2007 13:56

I agree with you in principle but I take issue with your definition of it being more important. It's different and changes with the way your life does - at this point in time if I had to choose between saving DH and saving DCs, the DCs would come first without a shadow of a doubt. I know it's a bit melodramatic but I think that's the way many parents feel.

I've seen what you describe in some good friends of mine whose youngest is now 12 - it's like they've emerged blinking from a dark tunnel to realise the normal world is still there!

Looking forward to it although there are times I doubt DH and I will survive as a couple . Also I think I will miss the young years a bit too.

Cloudhopper · 23/01/2007 13:57

God I hope so. Currently with an ill toddler and baby it feels like there will never be anything more to life, even reading a paper in peace and quiet.

Thank you for this - it has cheered me up immensely.

Heathcliffscathy · 23/01/2007 13:57

agreed, but not because kids leave nest...rather that out of the love i have for dh comes ds....that is the way round it is.

we are the foundation....and the basic ground of ds's life. so we need to nurture and prioritise our relationship for ds is the way I look at it.

pianist · 23/01/2007 13:57

Orm, I totally agree - the children are WAY more important to me than my husband!
Don't know how things will change when they are grown up - we certainly won't be the couple we were before kids!

Flower3554 · 23/01/2007 13:59

A wise old Aunty said to me shortly before I married Dh, "don't make the mistake of making any children you may have the be all and end all of your life to the exclusion of your Dh, remember that one day they will leave home and you will find yourself living with a stranger.

I took her words to heart, we had three LO's who are now big ones and all have lives and homes of their own now and Dh is still my best friend. I shudder to think what my life would now be like if he wasn't.

noddyholder · 23/01/2007 13:59

I think nurturing your relationship with yuor partner esp if like me you will be the sobbing mum when they leave home.I must admit I have always dreaded ds going and have been moved to tears at times thinking about it but as I have more time with dp and we are really enjoying it it is not such a worry.I would be concerned though if my relationship wasn't good.Mumblechum this is a good idea for a thread xx

Twiglett · 23/01/2007 13:59

I find this concept uncomfortable if I'm honest and look inwards

I know I invest much more into my children (6 and 2.8) than I do my DH

I always assume he will still be there. I wonder whether we will be able to reconnect in 10 years or so.

But truly I am comfortable with our current balance .. it might be due to me being a SAHM so a natural extension of that .. and I shall gradually start to re-enter the workforce so maybe I'll reconnect with myself as an individual rather than me as a mother which might allow me to reconnect with DH

Twiglett · 23/01/2007 13:59

did I just waffle?

noddyholder · 23/01/2007 14:00

should read nurturing your relationship with partner is vital

pianist · 23/01/2007 14:01

Twiglett, I totally agree! The kids are the priority now, and we will have to try to reconnect when they've moved on. Maybe it will work, maybe not.

Original poster

mumblechum · 23/01/2007 14:04

Some interesting responses.

I think part of my introspection on this is, as a divorce lawyer, I've noticed in the last few months a lot of clients who are splitting up as their children are reaching adulthood who have just somehow lost touch with each other.

My dh and I have had some horrendous times, quite a lot of tragedy in the last 12 years or so, but now I'm really glad that we've held it togethr and we're sort of gathering the fruit, if you know what I mean (sorry for uber waffle).

OP posts:

ishouldbeironing · 23/01/2007 14:04

I know that I put my DDS before my DH many times and I am trying to address this mainly because my DDS have started to pull away from me.
I realised that I cannot expect my DH to take a back seat forever and not to assume that we will be able to pick up again so easily.

OrmIrian · 23/01/2007 14:07

So do I twig. Which is terrible. I think part of the problem for me is that DH and I were together for about 11 years before we had first baby so had plenty of time to do the couple thing...TBH I think we had got a little bored of it. I never wanted babies so had assumed we wouldn't have any - a big shock when DS arrived and totally bowled me over. If I'm honest I fell in love with my babies as much if not more than I did with my DH. I still feel that way.

noddyholder · 23/01/2007 14:07

Even 10 mins at the end of the day to just catch up and acknowledge how busy you both are at leasy keeps the communication lines open I do think to start from scratch after 15 yrs or so would be hard.

OrmIrian · 23/01/2007 14:08

BTW I agree that this is a fascinating thread.

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