The relationship with your dh/dp is ultimately more important than that with your dcs - discuss

[mumblechum]

It has occurred to me lately that once your children get more independent - say 11, they want to spend more and more time with their friends, leaving you with time to really get back in touch with your dh.

I'm really loving this phase. After all those years of feeling knackered, juggling little kids and holding down a responsible job with virtually no help from dh (travelled constantly), we spend lots of time now going for long walks, playing golf, talking for hours in bed at the weekends, it's a new lease of life.

I don't mean you should neglect your kids to focus on your dh/dp when they're young, but you should remember that they're going to fly the nest at 18, when you and your dh still have (hopefully) 30 or 40 years together.

Anyone else feel this way?

And frankly, I have two kids, I have a job, I have other things I want to be doing...I just can't face adding 'nurture relationship' to the whole damn list of Things I Should Get Round To.

I had this sort of discussion with a friend once.It was a pretty morbid 'who would you save off a sinking ship' question, Dh/DW or DC?

We were both shocked at each others answers. I automaticaly said DC, he said DW.

Both Dh and I automatically felt it would be the DC for both of us.

We got married for love, but now, at the momment are mission in life is to bring up and protect our children. It's a joint mission, and we aer in it as a team, but that is the priortiy for both of us, and that makes our family feel strong.

So the DC's take priority, without question. They are still young and I'm sure as they get older it will change again, as it changed when they were born.

Having fun with your dh is not a chore, is it?

I don't have a DH, but yes finding the time and getting round to it and putting my book down and stopping the writing I'm doing and thinking of something interesting to say and finding a babysitter and...yes, it is a chore. I've got two people's needs to see to as it is. I can do without adding another - and a functional adult of that - into the mix.

I agree with the OP in principle, but in practice having a 5 year old and 2 year old, it's bloody hard!

I'm beginning to see some kind of light at the end of the small-child-slavery-tunnel we seem to be in, but it's only a glimmer and yes I'm hoping that dp and I make it through. But right now the boys take up more of my emotional, mental and physical energy - and that's probably how it should be.

That said, I do try to make sure dp and I do some stuff together and on our own - meals out, the odd night alone when we can - although the minute the kids are out of sight we leap into bed... and sleep for England..!

Frankly having spent many a goggle eyed hour on MN amazed at the useless specimens of husbands/partners many MNetters seem to have acquired - I am clearly of the view that when 'nuturing relationships' with their wifes/partners becomes a priority for men - then we really do have a good chance of getting somewhere in terms of good marital relationships!

Why on earth is nurturing relationships with all and sundry always the responsbility of the female half of the partnership?

i have lots of children and together dp and i run our own business ( he is working now) so our time together is precious.
we are quite loved -up to say we have been together so long ( 16 years)
we have had hard times and yes have become bogged down in child rearing and being poor etc.
I do think though - it is me and him - I work hard to nurture our fun-loving -relationship. Our children will leave - hopefully one of us will not.
I do believe its worth working at these things . My children are my 'raison d'etre' but my dp is my 'be all and end all'

notanotter that is exactly how I feel we have been together 15 yrs and next week dp has 6 days off and I can;t wait we will hopefully have a great few days

I would love to spend more time with DH now DS is at university & DD is out so much, but right now he is spending every weekend with widowed MIL because she insists on going back to her house a mile and a half from civilization (and she can't drive)instead of staying with SIL who is more than happy to have her. I seem to talk to DH on MSN more often than in RL.

Why is it assumed that sex is something that only pleases men? I know sometimes you have not one minute to yourself all day and when i get into bed i juust want to read most night.But how many mornings have you woken up with the smile on your face cos of thae last chapter you read?Its sooo worth the effort

for me the kids without a shadow of a doubt, but then i think i might actually hate my h

Soapbox - you make a very good point

of course we all know that its important to make time for our partners but it takes two.

I think for all of us with crap partners they dont get that children under 5 are demanding & hard work & that it doesnt last for ever....a quick selfish fix or a relationship with someone without children seems more appealing

Fascinating thread. What an interesting mix of responses here - quite thought provoking.

Does the relationship your parents had with each other affect how you act in your relationship with your dh/dp? Sometimes wondered as a teenager how our parents ever got along well enough to have us in the first place!

Agree that juggling priorities throughout the changing needs of your family means that sometimes there doesn't seem to be much time for each other. Communication is the key, perhaps? Misunderstandings can cause a lot of unnecessary pain ime.

I agree. Soapbox does make an excellent point. DH and I rub along OK, but my DDs are the most important things to me because, I feel, the most important thing to DH is his career. We have sacrificed everything to move around with him as he chases his dream (emphasis on the 'his' part of that statement) and I feel my girls need me more than he does. I admit to being fairly resentful of what he has put us through and do not think I owe him my total dedication when I have already given him so much - my life on hold so we can all stay together. I am sure I will still be around when DDs are grown (unless John Mayer proposes -google him!) and hopefully we can have a better quality of life then, but for now it's like 'relationship? what relationship?'

Anyone who's never woken up gripped by the book they were reading the previous night isn't reading enough

Dh said to me this morning, whilst I was wiping DS2s bum "You'll be doing that for me one day"!!!!!!

The DS's are equally important to us and at their ages (almost 3 and almost 1) our focus, but I do look forward to "our time".

My relationship with dh is of paramount importance as it is the foundation of providing dd with the lovely life she has.

We existed as a couple before she was born and we will be together when she leaves home and makes her own life.

If you're asking me how much I love my dh and my dc, I love them both equally but in different ways.

interesting. its about need, isnt it. when the kids are little they need you more so more energy and time goes into them, as they get older (and eventually leave) it changes.

which is more important? i dont know. i dont think you can (by this i guess i just mean i dont think i can) say dh is 1 and kids are 2 or vv.

i think they are equally important but you prioritise according to situation. whose needs are greater at what time. i can see times even when (if) my kids leave home when id still put them first and times before they leave when what dh needs comes first.

if the question was who is more important to me, dh or my kids, i would have to say my kids.

i guess the question kind of is that, isnt it.

oh, i make no sense at all! lol

I'm experiencing deja vu here. We had such a thread on Mumsnet a while back after some journalist wrote an article about how her dh meant more to her than her dcs and how she always put him first, etc etc.

I don't it, I really really don't. Sure you have a bond with your dh/dp, but you carried your child in your womb for nine months, your child is a part of you in a way that your partner could never be. Your partner could cheat on you or you could drift apart and get divorced etc, whereas your child will always be your child. They can't divorce you and get a new mother. An integral part of their personality is due to your genes and your nuturing of them. We make our children what they are.

How can our partners even compete with that? I love my dh very much but there is no way I could put him and his needs above those of my children. He has his own mother and others to turn to, our own children only have us.

I really don't understand people who can say that their dh's mean more to them than their dcs. I think that is wrong. Really really wrong.

cant be arsed/dont have time to read thread so apologies if repeating or totally irrelevent...

but just wanted to post that i dont personally see a disparity between the two tbh. the concept that i focus either on the dc or dp is a bit odd to me...

if he were crap or abusive or something, my priority would undoubtedly be the dc...

but hes not. he, i and the dc are a family and as such we are all my priority... i love us all to bits

that and shopping obv

I don't think that my DH means more to me than the DCs, just that I'm aware that I should be looking after my relationship with all the members of my immediate family, and that means him as well as the DCs - we are a unit, and yet sometimes DH and I feel very separate. And I don't want that to escalate.

I also agree that the smaller your DCs are, the more energy it takes to look after them, so the less you might have to invest in your partner, but as the op says, as your children get more independent, you can get back in touch with your dp. And I'm looking forward to that, and thinking about it, as a result of this thread.

And through loving my dd I love my dh at the same time because she is half him, iyswim.

Anniemac - you put that brilliantly.