The relationship with your dh/dp is ultimately more important than that with your dcs - discuss

[mumblechum]

It has occurred to me lately that once your children get more independent - say 11, they want to spend more and more time with their friends, leaving you with time to really get back in touch with your dh.

I'm really loving this phase. After all those years of feeling knackered, juggling little kids and holding down a responsible job with virtually no help from dh (travelled constantly), we spend lots of time now going for long walks, playing golf, talking for hours in bed at the weekends, it's a new lease of life.

I don't mean you should neglect your kids to focus on your dh/dp when they're young, but you should remember that they're going to fly the nest at 18, when you and your dh still have (hopefully) 30 or 40 years together.

Anyone else feel this way?

Ah right, only the thread I'm thinking of, this journalist lady was saying that her dh was actually more important than her dcs. And the thread title does kinda imply that doesn't it?

I think the difference is in the word "ultimately", isn't it? ie "in the long term"?

Agree with Rhubarb that that other articles was really annoying!

Oh and just to be picky.

I think that as your children get older you do have to work at your relationship with them as these relationships can break down just as easily as your relationship with your dh/dp.

You need to give your children just as much attention. Never presume that the love just "is". There are enough broken families on Mumsnet to prove this.

As a child of divorced parents I really think that the parents' relationship is one of the most important factors in the happiness of a child. But I'm not judging - we don't have any children yet (hopefully soon ) so I don't really know how easy or hard it is in practice.

Yes, I wanted to pick up Rhubarb's point. I left home at 18 and essentially didn't talk to my parents for around 20 years.

But mostly it's just energy. Charming though Mr Inferior is, most of the time all we can really do is grunt vaguely at each other.

And if I do have some energy, what about all my other relationships that have suffered since I had children? My friends really will vanish, and that would be a quite massive loss to me.

Interesting point about wiping the bum. I slipped a disc about 3 yr ago and was in a pretty bad way. There was one particularly bad mornig when I seriously thought I was going to have to ask DP to wipe my bum. I just couldn't ask him and what's more I know he would NOT have been best pleased if I had. I endured a lot of pain but managed it myself and it was never as bad again but it really made me think.

My parents had a bad relationship and for about a year my Dad, having had a bypass, was parnoid about his health and my Mum was soooooo uncaring and angry at him. One particular day he asked her to phone the Doc as he felt so bad and she refused. he ended up in hosp and died of stomach cancer about 6 weeks later. All that time he had been complianing he had been dieing and she had not given him an ounce of sympathy.

Do you think if you think you couldn't ask your husband to wipe your bum you are doomed?

I think the family is the most important think not any one individual within it.

I always like to think that if dh and I have a strong relationship then it will set a good role model for dd.

This is from someone who is on their second marriage however

lovely thread btw

Just to bring my own personal experiences into it. My mother and I hardly speak due to her being a witch who has always put herself before us in every way possible. She remarried an equally unpleasant man who made my life a misery.

My dh is the opposite of them in every way. I know he would wipe my bum if necessary and as I have wiped the bum of total strangers in my life, wiping his should be easy!

My children are my life, more so since my relationship with my mother and some of my siblings has broken down. I'm not sure if they would wipe our bums though!

And yet they do not take over my life, I can still be my own person and dh and I make time for ourselves and our friends.

I put all my effort into these relationships now because I have experienced the betrayal of a mother who loved herself more than me. I know how raw the pain is.

You reap what you sow.

Its just so different..the feelings for your chldren and your partner I mean. With your children there is a hormonal/biological bond which is incredibly strong. Obviously, you dont have that with a partner. Your children rely on you for everything in the first years of life and, whilst your partner (and yourself!) have needs they must always, surely, take a back seat to the child/children? I am really looking forward to a time when my dh and I can do the things we used to but at the moment time and money constraints with a 3 yr old prevent us. It wont always be that way butI hope we are still young enough to enjoy it!!

Gosh Rhubarb goose bumps....too bloody true
Some women are not born to mother - I know that too well

After this thread DP and i are having a night each this weekend- it's DP's night tonight, so he picks what we watch / do, and i cook him whatever he wants for tea. Tomorrow he's doing the same for me. I'm banning the internet on my night so we can have a proper conversation aswell! Got a feeling i'm going to get lucky this weekend too rushes off to shave legs and dig out best pants