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Original poster

The relationship with your dh/dp is ultimately more important than that with your dcs - discuss

120 replies

mumblechum · 23/01/2007 13:33

It has occurred to me lately that once your children get more independent - say 11, they want to spend more and more time with their friends, leaving you with time to really get back in touch with your dh.

I'm really loving this phase. After all those years of feeling knackered, juggling little kids and holding down a responsible job with virtually no help from dh (travelled constantly), we spend lots of time now going for long walks, playing golf, talking for hours in bed at the weekends, it's a new lease of life.

I don't mean you should neglect your kids to focus on your dh/dp when they're young, but you should remember that they're going to fly the nest at 18, when you and your dh still have (hopefully) 30 or 40 years together.

Anyone else feel this way?

OP posts:
noddyholder · 23/01/2007 15:37

I think it is possible to do both and to include little personal things between you now and then which keep the connection alive whilst you get on with being parents.

OrmIrian · 23/01/2007 15:38

It's funny that pre-kids I could easily imagine growing old with DH. I remember visiting the vicar that was going to marry us for a pre-wedding chat and seeing him and his wife together in their 60s so comfortable and at ease, and thinking that I almost looked forward to that. But my children have changed that for me - I think that terrible truth is that I love my DCs so passionately that it reminded me what it was like and pointed up that my marriage was not like that ifswim. But we have so much shared history and there is so much I like about him that I think we will be OK. But can't be sure.

Fireflyfairy2 · 23/01/2007 15:43

Yeah.. I'm ok at it

Ohh never been called a hussy before

noddyholder · 23/01/2007 15:44

Actually it is a lot of fun re connecting with that person you used to know I had forgotten how much fun we could have together and he is really quite naughty at times

doggiesayswoof · 23/01/2007 16:04

Thanks for starting this thread mumblechum, it's a good un.

Dd is only 2 so the time when she is more independent seems v far away.

But dh and I try to have time for each other and make sure we talk, cuddle, have (at least occasional) sex. Also having a laugh - a bit of black humour when things are shit is essential. It's really important to both of us, although as others have said it's not about loving one more than the other.

expatinscotland · 23/01/2007 16:06

Well, yes.

Children grow up and hopefully live their own lives, perhaps with partners and children of their own.

And the DH will still be around!

My mother and father made this very clear to us. My dad would joke when we were teens and say, 'She was here before you, she'll be here after you'.

And he was right!

I live thousands of miles away and they'll be celebrating their 43rd anniversary in June

noddyholder · 23/01/2007 16:10

Expat did it upset your parents when you moved here?Sorry only mini hi jack just one question xx

Ladymuck · 23/01/2007 16:15

I think that one of the main influences on our adult relationships is the relationship we have seen acted out between our own parents. So I think a healthy relationship between me and dh is vital and something worth investing in as part of our parenting.

I think that over the course of my life the relationship with dh will be the most important, but at this time our obligations to our children come first and some of the other stuff goes on hold. But I agree with Sophable - making time for intimacy and sex is important. Especially if one of you has dropped out of the workforce for a while as that has a significant impact on your identity.

expatinscotland · 23/01/2007 16:16

No.

I left home in 1989.

I haven't lived within 200 miles of it since.

Before I came here, I lived about 1000 miles away in another state.

expatinscotland · 23/01/2007 16:17

making time for sex VERY important .

Glassofwine · 23/01/2007 16:21

I'm in the fortunate position of having a great Mum who takes the three children away for the weekend once every 4 - 6 weeks. In fact they are off this Fri. It means dh and I get really good quality time together. Is this one of the reasons we've got such a great marriage? I don't know, but it certainly helps.

I'm not worried about the children moving on although it's a long way off yet. DH and I will have a ball. When ds starts school in Sept (the last one to go) dh plans to take two weeks off work so we can hang out together while they are out for the day. We are a bit vomit making

Sheraz · 23/01/2007 16:22

I know I have let things slide with Dh and this has been a real food for thought. I have been so caught up in thte day to day whirl of kids/school/ work that our realtionship takes teh back seat. we did go to see a film a few weeks ago and it was lovely. And we do plan for when we retire?!! Just need to make sure he sticks around until then. Thanks to the Op for starting such a terrific thread.

madamez · 23/01/2007 16:42

Well, I'm allergic to couplehood anyway so regard any kind of DH/DP relationship as more replaceable than one with DCs.
I think this is another example of different strokes, etc, as some people are far more into parenthood than couplehood and vice versa. And I do think that sometimes, the stuff you hear about 'making time for your relationship' can translate, in some situations as "Women! Don't forget you've got to let Hubby have sex with you along with all the other household chores you need to do!"
What I do think is really important for all parents, though, is to remember who you are and what you like. Because you will have a life left when they get more independent, and it would be good to have kept hold of some idea of the things that interest you throughout the nappies/purees/mopping up era.

OrmIrian · 23/01/2007 17:08

I totally agree madamez. I find it very difficult to be a good mother or even a decent human being when I don't get time to myself. I've always liked my own company and at the moment I feel totally obliterated as an individual after christmas, DS' birthday, a couple of family funerals etc etc. I havben't had more than 10 mins to myself for about 4 months. I am not nice to know atm a very angry and unhappy person. I can't be a constructive part of a couple when I'm not even allowed to be myself.

I want to find myself in one piece when the kids leave home, just as much if not more as I want to find my marriage in one piece.

suzycreamcheese · 23/01/2007 17:27

ormirian
if you get offer of quality time together like that why not go to hotel rather than for meal or just out?

OrmIrian · 23/01/2007 17:54

For a few hours. I don't think they rent rooms by the hour round here ...

Actually that would be nice but I'd rather wait until we get a whole night ... one day....

LaDiDaDi · 23/01/2007 19:24

This is a good thread, lots of interesting thoughts.

I agree with whoever said that her dc come from the love she has with her dh. I feel like that too but also that the love I have for dd has enhanced how I feel about dp. It's like dd is a great gift that we have given each other and we enjoy topgether. I know that in some way I am bonded more to dp and feel more strongly towards him since we had dd even though I would not have thought that possible even when I was pregnant.

suzycreamcheese · 23/01/2007 19:50

oh, okay..just have fantasies that everyone else has loads of me and them time..
still its nice to go out in the dark i always think..

hunkermunker · 23/01/2007 22:33

Yep, agree - I also feel far more for DH than I did before we had the boys (and I was pretty fond of him before that!) - I love watching him with them and they adore him, it's fab! We've been together for 15 years though, so we know each other so well it's not true.

Goodasgold · 23/01/2007 23:06

Nice to know that other people really love their dh.
I read an article (possibly promoting a book written by an English woman who had lived in Paris and Washington)
Any way it said that in France it is normal to work part time, go to the gym a couple of times a week and go out for a meal with dh once a week. I really liked that and is what I do now, you can still raise a happy family, be yourself, and have a great relationship.
I really love my dc but my dh is much nicer to me than they are, I know he thinks about me before anything else, and I love having a family with him.
This is my life not my dcs-but I think if I am happy and dh is happy, thats the only way we can be a happy family.
Children in their 20s don't like it when their parents split up any more tahn 2 year olds do.
Waffle/rant over

Sakura · 24/01/2007 01:16

me and DH are just starting out (18mths married, DD 4mths) , but this thread has given me something to think about. I think its biological that since the birth of DD, my entire focus has been on her, and I DH has taken second place. But even 4 months on I can feel that she is needing me slightly less in terms of attention. So I can manage to start looking at my relationship with DH. I want to try to keep developing interests with him for exactly this reason. Im really bad at focusing on DD all the time, and diverting his attention from me to the cute things shes doing at the time. After reading this thread, Im going to concentrate on him a bit more. It is in DDs interest if I have a good relationship with him after all, because I suppose in some way we are the model for her future relationships in terms of respect and trust.

agalch · 24/01/2007 07:13

My dp and i were at the stage of the ds's becoming independant and not needing us for quite so much (they were 12 and 8)and we were spending more time together when we had the dd's.

So now we have ds's 15 and 11 and dd's 2.5 and 6 months.

It is so hard to keep things fresh and exciting.But we are getting married in April after 18 years together.We both give 100% to the dc but still have a laugh and great sex,not as often as we would like but it's quality not quantity right?

We are planning a holiday/honeymoon for my 40th birthday,the girls will be old enough to be left with their brothers/my mum and i know we will enjoy the time together,but i think we both should be giving most of ourselves to the dc's for the moment.

I'm rubbish at posts like this,what a lot of waffle

Fillyjonk · 24/01/2007 08:09

hmm. its a complex thing.

our relationship takes priority for me BUT for practical reasons (lack of childcare) I spend much less time just with him than I'd like. The focus remains on each other though.

the important thing for me is that this is a practical difficulty. its not that I don't want the time, or try to make the time, its just that I often fail.

Balanced against this is the fact that we have chosen to invest really a lot of time in the kids while they are small.

mine are toddlers btw.

When ds was in nursery we both took the occasional day off work to spend together. now am SAHM and ds home educated...am looking for occasional chilcare so as to do this again.

bloody hell, dp is my life partner, I'm planning on a good 30/40 years with him when the kids bugger off. Am not letting it slide!

deaconblue · 24/01/2007 21:34

What an interesting discussion. My (divorced many years ago) mum reckons you can either be a good wife or a good mother but I really hope she's wrong. DH and I have shared values, and goals and have a real laugh together. I aim to try to keep all that alive while we raise ds.

motherinferior · 24/01/2007 21:41

Fennel, the voice of sanity

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