Mr Right versus Mr Right Now?

[janieblaye]

I am a bit torn between two men and could do with some advice.

Man A: A friend and we have feelings for each other but due to circumstances never ended up together. He is a fantastic man. We just seem to be perfect for each other. All our friends are rooting for us to get together and he's openly admitted he has feelings for me. There's so much love between us, passionate attraction, meeting of the minds. Find it hard not to think about him and he feels like he might be the game changer man for me. BUT and a big but; he has not put the effort in to begin a relationship! A lot of talk and no action. He prioritises his work /life and is a bit flaky with things with me and he knows he has been a bit "crap" but sort of makes a bit of a "I am so charmingly useless" sort of Hugh Grant performance but the reality in practice is that he is not stepping up to the plate to be a boyfriend and showing me he wants to get this thing going - so for that reason I have never begun it. That said, I know he likes me, know he really sees me as the potential "long term" one for him with the whole marriage thing etc and from hat I hear from mutual friends he keeps telling them I am the girl he wants to marry - but it all seems a bit useless if he does nothing about it!! I feel like he is taking for granted a bit the idea of relationships in general and not putting in the foundations to grow something and I feel frustrated.

Man B: Is not as perfect a match, for many reasons, and I know him not to be as good a man as man A. Man A is just a better human being. BUT Man B is here, asking me out, planning dates, wanting to actually be with me and fight for it, making himself available for a date any day/ week /time that suits me and phoning me and doing all the right things.

I know I don't feel for Man B what I feel for man A, but I do like him /. enjoy him company /fancy him (he's sexier than man A!) but most of all he is courting me, which may sound silly but with man A it feels more academic and the thing that never actually happens. Has been months since we were even in the same room as each other and while I know he is not dating anyone or interested in anyone he is also not dating ME.

Man B is asking me out, and I felt I might succumb just to enjoy being dated.

Do you think doing this would ruin things with man A?

I know man A would be very, very jealous. Quite riled up about it but he has no right to complain.

What would you do?

I can't keep sitting here on my own every Friday night waiting for him to get his act together but also don't want to blow it with Mr Right for Mr Right Now?

I am not worried about hurting Man B, as although I am sure he does like me, he is a bit of a player and I know he just wants a thrill of dating me rather than real feelings.

They just think we are right for each other and that it's a shame, that's all.

Hardly that's all the drama around it.

I wish you well but this guy and you ain't no Romeo and Juliet.

It's interesting that he's "Mr Right" according to you and him and all of both your friends yet initially you were less keen. Why was that? What's changed?

You don't like some of the opinions here (mine included) but I hope they're at least helpful for you to challenge your own thoughts - and sometimes disagreeing with someone else's opinion helps you to clarify what you think yourself.

You said upthread that all his reasons not to be with you were understandable. But now you think they're not and it's actually depression.

You've said of a previous partner than his depression changed him completely.

So - even if Mr A is great and is into you (or was before this possible depression) he (1) isn't right now and (2) may not be when he recovers. He just isn't into you enough in my opinion and even if he was... frankly he sounds crap!

I do think you should give up on Mr A, but I also know that I'm just a stranger on the internet and I could be wrong about him.

But I am absolutely certain that if you won't give up on Mr A, you shouldn't waste your life dating the like of Mr B. Please date Mr C, D, E... If I'm wrong about Mr A, he'll still be there and you won't have put your life on hold.

I feel a bit like you're trying to cross examine me or trip me up here on my own words. I am not in the witness box here so the tone is a bit odd. I have absolutely no reason to misrepresent reality here...I am being as honest as I can be.

He grew on me. We talked a lot and i realised how much I liked him once we spent time together. I don't see anything odd or interesting or strange about that. You do need to get to know people to know how you feel about them. Or at least I do and I first I wasn't that bothered about him until we spent time together and I realised I liked spending time with him more than anyone else in the world.

I think I have explained pretty well.

1. He wanted a relationship very much with me.

1. He has reasons that are pretty understandable for not wanting a relationship right now and i am not sure when that might change.

1. Despite them being pretty understandable, I am hurt / annoyed ./ frustrated / sad that he cannot overcome them to just go for it because I feel like we can overcome it all as a team and we may miss our chance of we don't.

1. I feel him being depressed is affecting his ability to see it that way.

I am not a doctor, but I have seen depression before and the way he behaves / speaks lately is very different from the man I have known and it looks to me like depression.

Just a layman's guess though, so I don't really know. He describes sleeping problems, he is avoiding people, he gets sad a lot and says defeating things, he's lost weight. It just looks like he is in a very bad place and has chosen to isolate.

I get that you think he is not into me. You have posted it about three times!

I'm not just posting over and over again that he's not into you, and walking away though.

I'm considering the fact that he was into. He really isn't into you enough right now, or you wouldn't be posting!

I have posted 2 or 3 times with other comments. My thoughts don't only come down to whether he's into you. They are also:

• you have no idea whether he'll be into you again, so don't date Mr B

• you're wasting your life if you hang round waiting for Mr A and marking time with unpleasant people like Mr B - so please, at least date Mr C. Even if you only want casual, find a Mr C who is casual, not someone you already describe as a player and a cheat!

If you feel so strongly about Mr A, I don't understand why you don't just arrange to meet him and tell him it's make or break.

I won't post again - not in a hissy fit way - just as you don't like my posts.

Cabrinha, the thing is, that is not helpful to me even though I know you are trying for it to be because all it does is throws a new dimension of insecurity at what is already a problem where I need to keep a little faith.

I know these boards are filled with tragic women living with shit treatment and completely blind to the fact someone is not that into them. I have read baggage reclaim. I have been one of those women. More than once.

I know your motivation is probably understandably having been that woman yourself once and not wanting to see anyone else go through it and be so blind to it.

I know you think I am a deluded woman trying to convince herself someone likes her to feel better or accepting crumbs instead of realising what she is worth.

I have, as I said, been with men who were not that into me. Every single time, I knew they were not that into me. I felt it, I got the vibe, friends thought it, he behaved certain ways...it was in my gut. The opposite of that is true right now.

My problem isn't in not knowing how he feels about me - it's more that I know and am frustrated he is going to fuck it up.

It's not that I don't "like" your posts, it's just that they are diverting me from my actual problem - which isn't figuring out how he feels about me - because I already know that.

If I were to transfer myself, against my gut, heart, mind, own judgement and that of practically everyone who knows us and say "ah, obviously he is not that into me" -how is that going to make my situation better?

It would just create two insecure people who were fucking it up instead of just one.

Thank you for posting, and sorry if it's making me a a bit irate but I do feel like people are trying to pidgeonhole me / him into whatever the standard thing is of men who like a woman, but not that much and string her along for ego / fun / just from being a wanker.

I know all about that. Been there, done that, and this is not where I am right now.

OP you have no idea what would or wouldn't bring me to my knees so it's best not to speculate on that. It's difficult to offer you any advice because you seem convinced you don't really need it.

As for wrong time, right person, one of the sweetest relationships I've had was with someone about to emigrate. We both got hurt but together we made the decision it was worth it.

You just seem to be kicking against the inevitable (and I live everyday with depression so I know what it's like). There are many men who felt just right to me but who weren't. In every case I wish I'd either done something or walked away pronto. Mooning around waiting? Nope. I've done enough. No more.

I completely understand that he has reasons, especially if he is depressed. I too actively chose not to be in a relationship because my life at the moment just isn't conducive to one.

But the thing is, I don't tell people 'I want you but...' Or 'maybe one day...' Because it wouldn't be fair. I just tell them no (nicely of course.) That way they can move on and I don't feel that I am leading them on or that they will be 'waiting in the wings' as that would be unfair on them, and also because my reasons are genuine, I really do have too much else to deal with and so I don't want that pressure.

That's what concerns me about your situation, not that I think he is lying, but that I think he is being a little selfish and putting you in a horrible 'in limbo' position.

Does he get any support for his depression?

Possibly he is being selfish. I don't think he is aware he is depressed. I am sure in the fullness of time he will realise that he put me in a tricky situation but right now I don't think he can see beyond the end of his nose. He is the last person on earth who would ever intentionally hurt another person but I realise that does not always mean people do not get hurt.

I am all right really. I am accepting the timing is off and going to try and just get on with it.

That does sound fairly typical of depression, it makes your world very small.

I would call his bluff and say that you have some really massive problems at the moment and the timing is not right for you either. Then go on lots of dates. (but that's just me

"I know these boards are filled with tragic women living with shit treatment"

Charming OP.

I am not judging anyone Dozer, but these boards are full of people with relationship problems, as is the function of the forum section. The childcare section of full of stuff about kids. It's not meant to be offensive to point out the obvious, and like I said countless times above - I have been that girl before - many times over.

OP You have never been on a date with Man A or Man B.
Did I read that right?

Personally as I'm in my 40s I wouldn't want to date someone who is depressed as this and in the middle of 'a shitstorm' and who doesn't have their finances and their life together. No thanks. And I wouldn't overthink someone who is not investing to this extent. 'Ooh I think he is depressed but he doesn't know it' a few pages back it was 'he's scared it won't live up to the reality' and also his 'circumstances'

Listen to yourself, OP. I think the main thrust of your argument, is that one way or another (well in many special ways) he is a special snowflake. I rather doubt it myself. But you seem determined to do all this thinking about him that isn't warranted. And you just want to believe it nor matter what. i hope you get your fairytale ending. I hope you don't waste months or years chasing it. Genuinely I mean that.

the one question that you seem to be dodging answering is is he currently in a relationship with another woman.

Some pretty big assumptions about other posters there OP.

How do you know he's depressed?
Have you considered he might have a chronic or life threatening illness or been under a lot of stress?

Sorry, was not aware I question dodged. Unintentional.

1. No, he is absolutely not involved in any way with another woman.

1. Yes, I have been out with both men before.

1. As I said, I don't know he is depressed, he just seems so.

Handywoman that is a very, very good point and I am aware he is not quite the pretty package he once was; but you know - you develop feelings for someone, stuff happens to them and that person is special to you. what do you do? You're right, very hard to date someone going through depression etc.

As I have said though, all a moot point...he has said he doesn't want it anyway!

Just a thought OP, I wonder if you are being too good a friend to him. Chatting for hours, confiding etc. You are probably being such a good friend that he will continue to be happy as things are as he doesn't want anything more anyway and has said so.

Perhaps step away, stop being his shoulder to lean on etc. Let him see what life is like without your friendship. It might clarify his feelings. If he doesn't miss you and come looking for you then you really have to accept that he doesn't want you as a partner. It might help you move on enough not to excuse him (for whatever reasons he has) anymore.

Hey Hippie, no, he doesn't lean on me at all which I think is the problem, he does not want to lean on anyone least of all me. I think he thinks he has to impress me or whatever. Funny male pride business. Our convos are far from "friendzone" when we have them.

I think I have a plan of action, which is to forget Man B completely (although I had a pretty fun evening with him there's no future potential), he is a red herring and what I was really worried about was that I fancied going out for the night but felt like I owed Man A loyalty.

I can see now that as much as I like him and thinks he feels the same if he does not want a relationship with me then I am being an idiot to not get on with my life. I will carry on talking to him, if things change he knows how I feel.

I will move on and get over it. I've done that before with people I have Iiked where it wasn't quite working and maybe once I pull away a bit and begin moving on with my life he might have an epiphany.

Maybe you'll even feel a bit better just from having a plan now, OP.

I have to say, I've never been in your position. Mainly because one of the main things I find attractive is a man clearly being very attracted to me, and wanting to be with me. Yes I know I'm very shallow

I've been at a similar place to where you think the chap you like is at, though. A load of practical reasons not to be together, plus my own depression because of how shit my life had been in the few years before that.) It ultimately didn't stop me going for it with the relationship.

That's also the main thing I find attractive, but remember that was the case, then it changed. Alas, such is life.

Thank you so much, I am sure I will feel better in coming days

I feel for you, I really do. I remember how hard it was to let go of someone I had fallen in love with but ultimately he didn't want a relationship with me.
He told me he full of regret he was for not making a go of things with me for a long time leading me to believe that he loved me in return. Little did I know that he had gone on to have one with someone else and still continued to contact me (and probably others). I found those years so hard, it led to me losing a lot of self worth and I spent so many hours mulling over him/comparing others to him along with a whole heap of wishful thinking and hoping.........

I hope things work out for you both, I really do. But please live in the present, live your life and be open to others. There are many men out there, none of whom are perfect, but more than one is perfect for you.

thank you xxx