Mr Right versus Mr Right Now?

[janieblaye]

I am a bit torn between two men and could do with some advice.

Man A: A friend and we have feelings for each other but due to circumstances never ended up together. He is a fantastic man. We just seem to be perfect for each other. All our friends are rooting for us to get together and he's openly admitted he has feelings for me. There's so much love between us, passionate attraction, meeting of the minds. Find it hard not to think about him and he feels like he might be the game changer man for me. BUT and a big but; he has not put the effort in to begin a relationship! A lot of talk and no action. He prioritises his work /life and is a bit flaky with things with me and he knows he has been a bit "crap" but sort of makes a bit of a "I am so charmingly useless" sort of Hugh Grant performance but the reality in practice is that he is not stepping up to the plate to be a boyfriend and showing me he wants to get this thing going - so for that reason I have never begun it. That said, I know he likes me, know he really sees me as the potential "long term" one for him with the whole marriage thing etc and from hat I hear from mutual friends he keeps telling them I am the girl he wants to marry - but it all seems a bit useless if he does nothing about it!! I feel like he is taking for granted a bit the idea of relationships in general and not putting in the foundations to grow something and I feel frustrated.

Man B: Is not as perfect a match, for many reasons, and I know him not to be as good a man as man A. Man A is just a better human being. BUT Man B is here, asking me out, planning dates, wanting to actually be with me and fight for it, making himself available for a date any day/ week /time that suits me and phoning me and doing all the right things.

I know I don't feel for Man B what I feel for man A, but I do like him /. enjoy him company /fancy him (he's sexier than man A!) but most of all he is courting me, which may sound silly but with man A it feels more academic and the thing that never actually happens. Has been months since we were even in the same room as each other and while I know he is not dating anyone or interested in anyone he is also not dating ME.

Man B is asking me out, and I felt I might succumb just to enjoy being dated.

Do you think doing this would ruin things with man A?

I know man A would be very, very jealous. Quite riled up about it but he has no right to complain.

What would you do?

I can't keep sitting here on my own every Friday night waiting for him to get his act together but also don't want to blow it with Mr Right for Mr Right Now?

I am not worried about hurting Man B, as although I am sure he does like me, he is a bit of a player and I know he just wants a thrill of dating me rather than real feelings.

Good lord, I thought you were going to be in your late teens/early twenties. Or from another culture (where you go from not even having kissed to marriage at 0-60 speed when you do finally make the decision, or that he has family caring responsibilities that are keeping him unavailable. Or that you aren't NT. Or that you are the heroine in a 19th century romantic novel.

I'm not going to argue that he's 'just not that into you', as you seem sure that he is. I'll say this, though: you should judge people on what they do, not what they say they're going to do. It's very romantic and lovely that you love him, he loves you, it's all going to be wonderful if only he'll take that crucial first step. But as you've said yourself, he's being a wet lettuce; he is passive, not putting you (and his feelings for you) first, not enabling or initiating the relationship. That's him, and that would continue to be him if/when you do get it together. In a relationship, in all likelihood, he will continue to be a passive wet lettuce who won't act with the courage of his convictions.

The only possible mitigating factor that I can see would be if he has children from his marriage, and the reason he won't prioritise you is because he is prioritising them (as every parent should).

You're best off out of it, imo. Getp some confidence back by having some fun with Man B, and then look for Man C - the one who isn't a dishonest player, and isn't a dishonest, romantic wet lettuce either.

Have you read the book 'he's just not that into you' ?

Tbh I would go out with Man B and have a nice time. That will be the test of if Man A is actually into you.

Just as an aside not that you will listen There is no such thing as Mr Right and if you like the kind of man who initiates Man A does not sound like the kind of man you want to be with.

I have no doubt he will dump me or cheat on me or lie to me because he is just a player.

Why would you even want to sit next to someone like this on the bus, let alone date and possibly put your sexual health in their hands??

You may feel in control of the situation with Man B now, but you're playing with fire and he sounds vastly better at it than you.

Tell Man A to step up, or shut up. Don't go anywhere near Man B. Just because he's keen doesn't mean you have to get swept along.

Tell A and B to fuck off, and look for C or D.

I get where you're coming from OP. How frustrating this must be for you! All you want is for this guy A to just make the first move, to be the one who makes the effort so you can be sure he wants this as much as you, thus reducing the risk/doubt in your subconscious that you'll end up getting hurt.

But he ain't doing that and all this hearsay he said she said stuff sounds so dramatic from his end

So you go for a date with B or anyone else, stop putting your life on hold (how long have you been waiting for A to make a move?!) and you see if it gives him the kick up the arse to actually bother to actively try something tangible with you. (Although getting a man off the back of his possible territorial jealousy isn't necessarily the best way to go about it)
Or he will drift on mooning to you and your friends and hopefully you'll just get sick of this melt and will be free in your mind to pursue this man C, the one who will never put any doubt in your mind, that doesn't have the reputation as a player, and that you can enter into a nice, equal relationship with, without having to hash out problems with us before any relationship has even started!
(And I mean that last bit in the nicest way, not that it's any annoyance you posting here! In fact I hope you do come back one day and tell us we were all right update is how you've got a date lined up with a great guy and how excited you are )

Thanks all. Busy weekend so just catching up. lady thank so much, that is exactly it and exactly how I feel.

I had my date with man B. Was a pleasant evening.

I also had a long talk with Man A and he told me he really did want to be with me and had these very strong feelings, but he knew deep down he wasn't in the right head space right now to be a partner to someone and he wanted to make sure he treated me right because he likes me so much. He said he had been avoiding seeing me at all, because he felt that what he wanted (to be with me) was in conflict with what he knew I deserved, which he knows he cannot give at this time.

We discussed those reasons, and I won't list them here but ran them by some friends and they agreed they were very legitimate reasons why he can't be with me at this precise moment and they agree he is being wise by taking some time along to get things back together for himself.

I told him I understood, was going to get on with my life and if things changed he knows where I am and if I am still available when he is ready we can see where the land lies.

I feel a lot better, a lot clearer but it is a bit sad.

Who knows. Maybe people sometimes get second chances if the timing was off!

but he knew deep down he wasn't in the right head space right now to be a partner to someone

a lovely bit of honesty there from him. Go for C and or D.

I won't list them here but ran them by some friends and they agreed they were very legitimate reasons why he can't be with me at this precise moment and they agree he is being wise by taking some time along to get things back together for himself.

Oh, for god's sake. Do you actually have any friends who would come right out and tell you that this is all a load of self-indulgent shite and that you should both get a grip? Why do you even have to run these reasons by your friends? Why is all of this so riddled with my friends said, his friends said? It sounds like high school.

It's not sad, it's just trite, cheesy and reeking of bollocks.

I think you need to concentrate on getting on with life now op and preferably have little/no contact with Man A. It sounds to me like he is keeping you dangling a little bit.

Sorry OP, but this man has got you dangling again with the i like you so much I even needed to avoid you bollox.

Those words should have gone in one ear and out the other. The fact that you ran it by your friends means you're still invested in a happy ever after scenario here. That's why you feel sad.

You are very susceptible to his crap. And your friends are stoking the flames, when they should be telling you to get a grip and forget about him.

It really doesn't matter what his reasons are.

Do yourself a favour, OP, block his number and get on with your life.

Let's think:
All over the world,
People who work long hours are in relationships
People in debt are in relationships
People with mental health issues are in relationships
Disabled people are in relationships
People who work abroad a lot are in relationships
Unemployed people are in relationships
Etc

People who are married and still fucking their wife/people already in a relationship/who aren't that interested in what's on offer are not in other relationships. (Usually).

Are his reasons still sound and special?

Urgh, he sounds like the twat out of Twilight. It's not attractive in the slightest.

OP I had a similar situation where I was fiercely attracted to someone who had the complete package - good looks, wealthy, sporty - the list goes on. He wanted to but couldn't commit to me being his girlfriend let alone any plan for a longterm future. I hung around for so long. Every time he was alone or at a loss what to do with himself, I'd get a text or an email full of regrets about wanting to be with me but couldn't etc which made me continue to convince myself that he simply must like me. Why else wasn't he being snapped up by other women. I even wondered about his sexuality as he was never hugely interested in physical sex.

It took me years and years to realise that he probably was dating other women and in between he'd throw some sort of communication my way telling me I was 'the one'. I liked him so much I compared everyone else to him and nobody really measured up.

My cheeks are burning even remembering how I used fall for his crap every single time, yet at the time I just felt so sad about it all. I was just an ego boost.

I eventually did move on and continued to receive infrequent emails and texts. When he learned I had a baby, his immediate response was to email me a photo of his child. You could have knocked me down with a feather. He then went on to say that he didn't love his partner and still tried to continue his old pattern. I don't think he will ever be happy but he was willing to give it a try with somebody who was not me.

I obviously don't play his game any more but I still regret wasting so much time over him.

Move on OP.

I haven't read this entire thread but if man A wanted to marry you etc he'd be pulling out all the stops , however busy he was. All the right person wrong time stuff always makes me a bit suspicious because if you really , really like someone you find a way to make time or you know you risk losing them. I find it bizarre that he's telling people your the girl he'd want to marry (and actually run fast) when your not even really dating.

We want to know his reasons!

If they're DC or long distance related, for example,fair enough. If he's been single 5 minutes, fair enough. If he "just isn't ready to be a good partner", he's Just not that into you, but pretending he is to keep you on the back burner.

Your friends are doing you no favours, OP.

If he really, honestly, loved you - he would make things happen. Any man would. He would never allow the possibility of you being snapped up by someone else. He would grab you, not let go, and work out the details later.

Why can't you see the obvious? It's actually incredibly cruel of him to keep saying 'not now, but one day.'

These 'reasons' he has for not being available for a relationship - do they have a time limit?

My friends do and would tell me if they felt Man A was not above board. No one that actually knows us / the circumstances thinks that is all I am saying. Perhaps it is impossible to give opinions without the specifics, but I was hoping to get advice based on principles as I really don't want to put in intimate details of his life / things about his children here. I am sorry if that's frustrating but it would feel wrong for me to do that. I can see as the reader it's not very easy to help me correctly without all that information so sorry about that. Yes, there is a time limit on the circumstances.

I agree with most of you that you just go for things when you want to. Maybe you are right and irrespective of the circumstances he should have just gone for it. I am wildly frustrated that he didn't as I feel it would have been best for both of us if he had but it wasn't down to me to make that decision.

It would be easier for me, believe me, if I agreed with you that his feelings must have been lacking - but I don't which is what makes it much harder to deal.

Man B has a history of being a player.

You mean when women supply him with sex he does not pay out with commitment to them? They are different things. There is no shame in wanting sex, or commitment, or both of them together. But the supply of one in the expectation it should move a person to provide the other leads nowhere good.

If you wait around for man A you may be just getting your bus pass when he makes up his mind. Why the hell does any woman ever put up with such utter bollocks from a bloke, seriously. I bet his ego is massive what with having you waiting around.

You do realise he is totally keeping you on the back burner and you will do if nothing better comes along.

Yes, there is a time limit on the circumstances.

And how long are we talking - months? Years? And he has promised that when the 'circumstances' no longer exist, it will be all systems Go?

You know it wouldn't be right to string other men along while you're waiting for this one, right? That would be pretty unethical. Unless you are just a fill-in for them too.

I never saw what was so charming about Hugh Grant off topic

But really, you can't just keep waiting for him to be "ready." Life is short.

As for Player B, I'd just think, "meh" and pass. It just doesn't sound like a casual fling would work for you.

One thing I've learned, OP, about dating and relationships and stuff, is that the opinions of even close friends are irrelevant at this stage of your life.

They are often incorrect and motivated by a huge bias to see you coupled up. It's so easy to get caught up in that bias. What you need to base things on is the actual real life investment of a man and your own feelings.

All I'm saying is look at the facts.
It's quite simple. This man isn't dating you. All the rest is white noise.

To be fair, OP seems to be saying the reasons could be DC related: if man A is doing right by his DC and focusing on that for a bit that seems fair enough, especially if he has the DC at his a fair amount of time - I'd be less sympathetic if he has them e/o weekend.

Op it's quite possible that people here are advising you "correctly" but that you don't want to hear it. Often if you're a bit removed from the situation you can see it more clearly and ignore all the "oh buts".

Even if it's DC related I say, move on. Enjoy being single. Enjoy other relationships. But don't get hung up on The One and think Man A is it.

The Stoic: probably 2 - 4 months. The exact reason I went out with Man B instead of Man C or D is exactly that- it would not be fair to date anyone genuinely at this juncture.

I don't think it's a case of me not wanting to hear the advice.

The message is clear: if he is not dating you, move on.

I heard that message, discussed it with him, resolved to move forward in the knowledge that (for now anyway) it's not going to happen.

The part I am struggling with is the awful things people are saying. Like "you realise he is stringing you on until something better comes along", that I am struggling with a bit.

The idea that a man will fight to be with you regardless of timing and circumstances is a nice one, maybe one I want to believe in myself like the fairytales tell us to but it is just not always the way it is - and it is not always an indication of how he feels.

As an example, if a man really was in love with you but he had quite severe depression I do not think he could start a new relationship with you at that time.

As another example, if a man was in love with you but he had just found out he was emigrating in three months, he might stay away from you to protect you from pain of the inevitable.

Real life means that sometimes timing truly is a factor, and a man of conscience and true caring for a woman might be perfectly able to want her, love her even, but feel that he cannot offer very much at that time. He would miss her, feel awful about it, but would tell himself he was doing what is best.

What I have been trying, and failing, to communicate is that this is the sort of situation we are in.

The facts, as I believe them to be, are these: He feels as I do. His life is in turmoil on practically every measurable level. He does not feel equipped to be what I deserve while that is the case. He believes, rightly or wrongly, that he is protecting me from hurt by staying away from me.

Those are the facts as I know them to be, and while I might well be wrong that is the situation as I know it to be based on all the evidence I have from where I am standing.

Telling myself my judgement, gut, mind, heart are completely off would seem to serve no purpose other than to cause me to feel anger / resentment at someone who is essentially my friend and is going through a pretty dreadful time that would send any one of you to your knees.

I know how to distinguish between a man who is just after one thing, or an ego stroke, or one who is playing with me (Man B for instance) and one who genuinely, deeply cares for me.

In any case, as I said...he has told me his reasons, his view, his wishes at present and while I disagree with his strategy I do understand some people prefer to weather tough times alone and not rely on anyone and it is his choice alone to make and I can do nothing about it but move forward with my life.