Mr Right versus Mr Right Now?

[janieblaye]

I am a bit torn between two men and could do with some advice.

Man A: A friend and we have feelings for each other but due to circumstances never ended up together. He is a fantastic man. We just seem to be perfect for each other. All our friends are rooting for us to get together and he's openly admitted he has feelings for me. There's so much love between us, passionate attraction, meeting of the minds. Find it hard not to think about him and he feels like he might be the game changer man for me. BUT and a big but; he has not put the effort in to begin a relationship! A lot of talk and no action. He prioritises his work /life and is a bit flaky with things with me and he knows he has been a bit "crap" but sort of makes a bit of a "I am so charmingly useless" sort of Hugh Grant performance but the reality in practice is that he is not stepping up to the plate to be a boyfriend and showing me he wants to get this thing going - so for that reason I have never begun it. That said, I know he likes me, know he really sees me as the potential "long term" one for him with the whole marriage thing etc and from hat I hear from mutual friends he keeps telling them I am the girl he wants to marry - but it all seems a bit useless if he does nothing about it!! I feel like he is taking for granted a bit the idea of relationships in general and not putting in the foundations to grow something and I feel frustrated.

Man B: Is not as perfect a match, for many reasons, and I know him not to be as good a man as man A. Man A is just a better human being. BUT Man B is here, asking me out, planning dates, wanting to actually be with me and fight for it, making himself available for a date any day/ week /time that suits me and phoning me and doing all the right things.

I know I don't feel for Man B what I feel for man A, but I do like him /. enjoy him company /fancy him (he's sexier than man A!) but most of all he is courting me, which may sound silly but with man A it feels more academic and the thing that never actually happens. Has been months since we were even in the same room as each other and while I know he is not dating anyone or interested in anyone he is also not dating ME.

Man B is asking me out, and I felt I might succumb just to enjoy being dated.

Do you think doing this would ruin things with man A?

I know man A would be very, very jealous. Quite riled up about it but he has no right to complain.

What would you do?

I can't keep sitting here on my own every Friday night waiting for him to get his act together but also don't want to blow it with Mr Right for Mr Right Now?

I am not worried about hurting Man B, as although I am sure he does like me, he is a bit of a player and I know he just wants a thrill of dating me rather than real feelings.

I suspect the OP knows that if she rang him and asked if he wanted a date/continuous dates/a relationship that he would refuse. I suspect the OP doesn't want to come to terms with a black and white answer.

Have some fun with B for goodness sake and in the meanwhile keep alert for man C turning up

I suspect OP doesn't want to make a move on Man A because the fantasy is so nice. The agonising. The navel gazing. The 'will they/won't they' romance of 'but this is special '

Nah.

Boak.

Move on.

I realise you mean well, but you cannot conceive of the idea that there might exist a man who very much likes and wants a woman but hesitates.

I am not sure what you want from me, but I am telling you. I say he is into me. He says he is into me. Every single person either of us knows says he is into me. I feel that perhaps you want me to go against all that and just agree with you.

If so...okay...i agree with you. He doesn't like me, I am making it up in my head to feel better.

Have you even fucked him?

How on earth do you have all these deep and meaningful conversations and tell each other you want to be together yet somehow you aren't? It's just not how people behave.
Unless they are 14.

OP Im sure you are right. He likes you. But..... he doesn't like you enough. And OP you, like all of us, deserve somebody who does.

What I want is to help you see how crazy it is

1. putting other options on hold for

and

2. having an emotional relationship with

a financially shafted, crap at relationships, soppy wet, bumbling Hugh grant man who won't actually ask you out.

And I'm also wondering why you prefer to hang back and wait. If it's so right - why don't you make the move?

I think the reason is that the fantasy is better than the reality.

Perhaps you are right that i also hang back and perhaps your reasons are right. I feel a bit confused.

Maybe I am a bit scared that if we got together properly that we would split up and i would be awful because I like him so much.

Man B is easier because he has no power over me

But Man A doesn't have any power over you OP. You have somehow (and understandably given you fancy him) created a future in your mind and he is the main character. But it is just a daydream.

I think you owe it to yourself, if for no other reason than to help yourself to move on, to ask him if he would like to at least start a relationship to see how it goes.

It might be odd as most relationships naturally evolve from one date to multiple dates to a relationship but this man either is incapable of that or doesn't want it so it is up to you to do the chasing. If he turns you down, and I suspect his lack of any effort whatsoever will not change, I think you will accept it.

Op just ask him.

Tempted as I am to say forget him and move on I don't think that's realistic given your feelings so, for your own sake, ask him, outright with no wriggle room. It's on or it's not.

Otherwise this will hang over you forever. You will date Man B, Man A then date other people, the timing will never be 'right' and you'll convince yourself he might be the one that got away. It will be a cloud for years.

Ask him, he will either step up or he won't, either gives you much more chance of a happy ending.

You've massively overinvested in Man A and all that 'potential' and emotional sharing and supporting and stuff. It's perpetuated by the attraction and chemistry. And your friends. And his words, via his friends. But there is no grownup, real life, nitty gritty relationship. Stick around on the Relationships board and you'll learn that it's actions that count. Not words. I've learned it the hard way!!

Man B is more real and there's less investment there. That's a much better place to start a relationship from. Your emotional investment should mirror what the other person in the relationship puts in. Man A is giving you some bits of an intimate relationship, but not others, he's potentially well aware you are 'waiting' for him and enjoys the ego boost it gives him. That's a crap start to a relationship. Too much build up.

I reckon he's a pretty poor bet. Perhaps he himself knows this and prefers to keep you at a distance for this reason. He may even trot out the 'I don't wanna hurt you' line, when pushed on it.

If it helps you move past the fantasy then why not tell him to 'shape up or ship out' - if he can't actuallt date you, then draw a line, delete his number and get back out there. You are worth a proper 'all in' relationship.

I'm amazed no ones asked how old you all are. Not in a tut, how immature way, but because if you're all early 20s, meh, go with the flow and date man B and hope your feelings grow. If man A is 30+ he's behaving quite toxically and you should run a mile.

Handywoman, your first paragraph is exactly, exactly it.

What frustrates me to the death is that I know the reason he is doing this, and that is that it's easier to lose something that you never really had. And that is just such a fucking sad reason.

I can't run his life for him though, and you are bang on, he would say "I am worried I will hurt you".

I am going out with the other guy, he is going to hit the roof, and when he does I will probably tell him right then that I want an actual boyfriend not a fantasy one.

I understand it's scary, I feel the same, but I am willing to take a gamble on it rather than lose him and he's not doing the same.

I am 43.

Prefect, OP, perfect.

Date Bloke B. When Manbaby A hits the roof (WTF), those are the exact words you need - 'I want an Actual boyfriend not a fantasy one'. Perfecto.

Next time your friends are cooing that you and Man A are destined to be together - repeat those words to them too. They will be surprised at your newfound cohonas and self respect (next question - what sort of friends are these.. leave that for another day though).

And when you struggle with all this, late at night, first thing in the morning etc., repeat them to yourself

Go for it! Go have fun on Man B date! Yey for you!!

43?

Blimey.

Thanks, that's good advice. Going for it.

I am not sure what you want from me, but I am telling you. I say he is into me. He says he is into me. Every single person either of us knows says he is into me

He's not though, is he? Either literally or figuratively. Actions speak louder than words. Be very wary of men who seem lovely but don't have the strength to act. There's no genuine kindness there - it's just a superficial niceness that they'll drop as soon as they actually have to do anything.

Also, people will say "oh he's perfect for you" without really knowing what either of you are like or how you'd be in a relationship together. It's meaningless. Move on.

If the men are in their 40s they should be better at relationships than this, and so should you!

Why be so overinvested in a divorcee who supposedly says to friends you're the woman he wants to marry but won't ask you out? He's been married before: he knows how it all starts. He isn't dating you. The only plausible explanation other than he's just not into you is that he lives in aberdeen and you in cornwall, or he has DC with additional needs or something.

And why bother with a man in his 40s who is dishonest?

I think there are some people who can really love and idealise someone but actually have a preference for loving at a distance, sometimes for ever. They are quite happy with that. Man A might be that type. I was myself when younger. He might be forever, or not.

You need to be wary of that and develop a clear bottom line. Either he likes you enough to get his S**t together and go out with you, or not. Tell him what you want. If it turns out he doesn't deliver, don't over analyse why, move on.

Is he married / separated? With kids?

I'd aslo be concerned that, with what you say about Man B's character & history, you could develop feelings and get hurt. A lot of women think they can date & have sex without feelings but the reality is many cannot.
The frustration etc. over Man A is not a reason to fall into a 'thing' with Man B. If Man A did not exist would you think it was a good idea to even date Man B? Would you be better to try to meet Man C, open to a relationship and not a player with shady/shitty history re. women.

Man A needs a punch in the balls, they would probably be hard to find though as he sounds so bloody wet.

He has no right to hit the roof he is not your keeper, he sounds awful.