Mr Right versus Mr Right Now?

[janieblaye]

I am a bit torn between two men and could do with some advice.

Man A: A friend and we have feelings for each other but due to circumstances never ended up together. He is a fantastic man. We just seem to be perfect for each other. All our friends are rooting for us to get together and he's openly admitted he has feelings for me. There's so much love between us, passionate attraction, meeting of the minds. Find it hard not to think about him and he feels like he might be the game changer man for me. BUT and a big but; he has not put the effort in to begin a relationship! A lot of talk and no action. He prioritises his work /life and is a bit flaky with things with me and he knows he has been a bit "crap" but sort of makes a bit of a "I am so charmingly useless" sort of Hugh Grant performance but the reality in practice is that he is not stepping up to the plate to be a boyfriend and showing me he wants to get this thing going - so for that reason I have never begun it. That said, I know he likes me, know he really sees me as the potential "long term" one for him with the whole marriage thing etc and from hat I hear from mutual friends he keeps telling them I am the girl he wants to marry - but it all seems a bit useless if he does nothing about it!! I feel like he is taking for granted a bit the idea of relationships in general and not putting in the foundations to grow something and I feel frustrated.

Man B: Is not as perfect a match, for many reasons, and I know him not to be as good a man as man A. Man A is just a better human being. BUT Man B is here, asking me out, planning dates, wanting to actually be with me and fight for it, making himself available for a date any day/ week /time that suits me and phoning me and doing all the right things.

I know I don't feel for Man B what I feel for man A, but I do like him /. enjoy him company /fancy him (he's sexier than man A!) but most of all he is courting me, which may sound silly but with man A it feels more academic and the thing that never actually happens. Has been months since we were even in the same room as each other and while I know he is not dating anyone or interested in anyone he is also not dating ME.

Man B is asking me out, and I felt I might succumb just to enjoy being dated.

Do you think doing this would ruin things with man A?

I know man A would be very, very jealous. Quite riled up about it but he has no right to complain.

What would you do?

I can't keep sitting here on my own every Friday night waiting for him to get his act together but also don't want to blow it with Mr Right for Mr Right Now?

I am not worried about hurting Man B, as although I am sure he does like me, he is a bit of a player and I know he just wants a thrill of dating me rather than real feelings.

What you can do is move on. Don't sate your time pining for someone who doesn't want to be with you enough to get over whatever it is that is stopping them asking you out.

Why is he being a knob? He likes you but not enough to go out with you. That doesn't make him a knob. He'd be a knob if he shagged you then cut all contact as that would be using you knowing you care more than he does.

I had a very similar circumstance. Man A was perfect for me, but when he was single i wasn't and vice versa. For 10 years! I finally went out with him when we were both single, and frankly it was very ordinary. I had built it all up in my head. Man B was an idiot, i went on 1 date and came to my senses. I am now married to Man C who is actually just right for me. I am very glad i dated both, because it showed me both of their true colours.

Personally, I'd be shagging the pants off man B tonight. Life is not a Jane Austin novel.

Even if you got together, man A could string you along for years waiting for a home together, a ring, a child. Stop denying yourself happiness, have fun with B and see where it leads.

Sorry but man A is a twat
If he was in love with you he would make it obvious. And actually, if he's being so blase and uninterested then he's not in love with you, sorry
Stop sulking around waiting for someone to decide whether he wants to think about asking you out. Go out with B. Keep your options open.

That was meant to say sitting not sulking!

Far too much drama.
Sounds like an almost grown up but not quite Judy Blume.

Man C.

It's just nonsense to post that Man A and you are perfect for each other - he doesn't even want to go out with you!

FGS have a read of "He's Just Not That a Into You" and get on with your life!

Shag Man B along the way if you must, but he doesn't sound very nice so I wouldn't bother.

I'm quite at your passivity over Man A, but I suspect it comes from you knowing, really, that he's not interested. Possibly enjoys the drama of his mates saying how perfect you two are together.

Maybe he's gay and not out and you're a cover for that

it is somewhat ironic that the OP calls Man B a player when quite clearly Man A is the one actually playing her.

Look, if a man is really interested in a single woman, who he knows likes him too, then he makes a move. It really is as simple as that.

Man A hasn't asked you out, because, quite frankly he hasn't seen you in months, and doesn't care.

He actually sounds like a total wet lettuce. He sounds like the kind of guy who will drag his feet on everything in life, and be full of empty promises. That would do my head in!

In your head, you have sped along to the conclusion of marriage, with a man who isn't even your Boyfriend - how can you have morphed that scenario in to you sporting a diamond and being at the alter? You haven't even dated, so how can you even consider marriage? That's just nuts. You don't know him well enough, AT ALL.

He could have a micro penis. He could be abusive. He could be totally crap in bed

Date man B, and other men too, if you want. Man A is not interested.

Is man A in a relationship? It does sound like he is all talk and no trousers.

If man B is a player then why bother with either of them. Find yourself a good man who is going to treat you better than both of these men.

The man you need to marry is the man who you are compatible with, attracted to, who invests in you.

I think the reason you haven't been proactive with Man A is because you enjoy the fantasy of a man waiting in the wings. It's all a bit mills and boon.

Get out there, live your life (including dating Man B if you want), and you'll be in a better place to find Man C. Man C is the one you want.

He's playing you.

I know you read a few lines and it's hard to get a full picture, and maybe that is a good thing in a way because when you're in it you view it differently due to all the extenuating circumstances, but it's a bit more complex than it seems.

I do know it's not a case of him not being into me. Both because he has told me and more importantly his closest friends have told me and there's no reason for them to lie to me. They've told me they have never seen him like anyone the way he does me, that he does not shut up about me, and these are nice, sensible people who have his best interests at heart- I am the first woman he has introduced to his family and friends since he was divorced some years ago.

The problem may be he is not very good at relationships, but I definitely do not think he is "not that into me". I have experienced that before, this is totally different.

He shows in millions of ways that he is into me. He wants to speak to me all the time. He tells me things he tells no one else. He asks so many questions about my life, my day, my thoughts my feelings and I know when I am gone away from him that he is sad. He remembers what I say, he makes me feel considered and cared for and special and unique to him.

I haven't tried to convince myself or sell myself of anything. I was pretty clear on what I wanted and he told me outright from day one that (a) he wanted me, (b) he had learned from the end of his marriage to put the relationship first (c) he was ALL IN once we got started.

But we never did get started, and I think in part that was down to extenuating circumstances that definitely put blocks in the way. As an example I had a very sick relative and could not see him for a few weeks, he was then away on business and could not see me for a few weeks etc. and he did make an effort to see me, to include me in things and he invited me even to join him when he was away (I could not make it due to my own work) and I think just time passed and we talked a lot and pressure over the "relationship" built a little bit in our heads and maybe we got the willies a bit.

You know a man likes you when he likes you and I have absolutely no doubt at all on that question. My friends are not saying to me "move on, he doesn't like you", they are feeling as sad as I am because they feel like we are the real deal and he is messing up up by not engaging it. I call him a knob affectionately, and if he were here, believe me he would say the same thing himself. He knows he's not pulling the trigger, he knows he is going to regret it and that is a hard situation to be in.

He is just not taking the plunge, and I am sure that is not down to how much he likes me, but more down to a very misconstrued idea of what I want and what he can offer me. I think he has some embarrassment over financial problems and a lot of pride and I just feel like he's misunderstanding what it is I do want and need.

You just made him sound hard work and frankly a pain in the arse though!

And sorry, I'm still not buying it. You haven't seen him for months. That is not the behaviour of someone who wants to be with you.

Extenuating circumstances - whatever. If you're so perfect for each other, you get through those.

But you know him, I don't. Why have you just not called him up and said "we could have something good - make or break, you in or are you out?"

He just sounds like a dick.

He's probably with someone else. You will just get hurt.

Yeah, I would probably say the same if I was reading this, but I know him and he's not a dick. Maybe some men are just loners and they can feel all the feelings in the world but ultimately not be a very good boyfriend or husband.

Oh, OP. The more you write, the less appealing he sounds. Not very good at relationships, embarrassed, financial problems, being all soppy over you but not making a move. Yuck.

I'll tell you this: friends often give us appalling advice about relationships. They often advise coupling up because a) it validates their own experiences b) creates a bit of excitement c) they long to see you loved up more than they want to see you in a good, mutual, relationship. Wake up. Forget the mills and boon version and get with the real world. You are expensing vast amounts of emotional energy on a hiding to nothing. Life is too short, get out there and find a better catch.

Oh and there's a lot of:

• I think
• I feel
• his friends say
• my friends say

And an absolute absence of

• we have talked about this and I know for a fact...

I appreciate that I don't have anything more than you're posting, but your posts just sound like you're deluding yourself.

Just tell he has one chance (I think that's one too many but hey ho)

Could you ask man a out? Why wait for him to make a move?

Someone once said take note of my actions not my words. He was so right. You'd do well to do the same.

I agree with Cabrinha this potential man is all in your head.

He knows where you live. He knows your phone number. Those cicumstances are more than enough.

Give your head a wobble!!!

How are you doing anything different to man A than he is doing to you?
You can either both wait forever for the other to make a move, ask him out or move on.

Ask him out....tell him he needs to step up...either he does or he doesn't

We have talked about it all, of course we have.

I know you are trying to be helpful by telling me "he is not that into you, move on" because i know in 90% of cases where if a man is like this is does mean that - but I just know, 100%, would stake my life on it that this is absolutely NOT what is going on here so it is hard for me to accept the advice if I feel like you're genuinely basing the advice off the wrong assumption.

I know that isn't helpful and he does sound like a wet lettuce and he is being one, but I would not be so frustrated over a man who wasn't interested in me. What causes the frustration is knowing that we both feel the same way.

I suppose though it doesn't bloody matter if he does nothing about it.

I have told man B I will go on the date with him.

I appreciate that what you say is quite right in the sense that he knows where I am.