I've met someone and I don't know how to finish this title.

[ProfessorPickles]

I apologise for the terrible thread title, but I didn't have a clue what to go with and could no longer ask your advice
I still like train edition but didn't want to use it incase it's terrible, which it probably is.

So here we are, part three of the 'I've met someone' saga.
The first thread was very positive and exciting, the second was mostly negative for all of us and here we are starting the third!

Let's make it a good one!

I think it's still salvageable!!! He didn't agree to forget it and left the door very much open

the whole problem is, he wants clear instruction but you aer not the type of woman who likes doing that - you prefer subtlety and flirting and even a bit of teasing. I still think the crucial this that holds him back is htat he doesn't know you are not leaving France! you should have definitely say this to him on Thursday - you don't have time or space in this situation where you see him at work to play any little games - I know it's nice to be able to but in these circs doesn't work. It all depends whether you find it now too much hard work or too much initiative for you - if so, maybe you could choose to step back but I think you aer not quite ready - so maybe change your style with him a bit?

*crucial THING

Crazy, yes it's salvageable but with some change of tactics (to more assertive) - do you agree? I think This doesn't need to change her style for long but just to kick-start it and then see if he takes over once he gets a clear interest from her.

Right, finally got in from the cold rain.

Honestly, I think the worst part of this is the let down after yesterday PGtips and Crazy. I'll be honest. Over the past few weeks this situation and the frustration of not being able to channel my feelings (lust? love?) have made me feel out of sorts with myself. As though I'm denying myself the possibility of being honest with myself and with him.

Yesterday, everything was wonderful. I distinctly recall telling myself before going to the garage yesterday, make sure you get a clear time and place right away otherwise it will never happen.

Yep.

I cannot understand, aside from his work mode (male) brain why he would change his mind after yesterday?

I completely agree with PG - I think it's time for a new tact and you started off so well by inviting him for a drink.

I think today has not been a let down, more of a blip, a miscommunication - and it was almost as though you wanted him to take charge and dictate the terms of Monday when you had done the inviting - so you should take control of the situation.

I still stand by my earlier comments that you know him well enough to when he is in one of those moods and probably shouldn't have tried to push for a commitment on Monday when he was is such a mood - but what is done is done.

What you must focus on isale building your spirit - all is not lost. And the next steps

I was right bloody stroppy at the end! It's quite funny actually as I generally don't like to lose control (which is part of the general problem here, I think.) 'Let's just forget about it'. I think I slammed the car door a little and drove off in a cloud of dust. Oh dear! He's telling me that he's here if I want his help on Monday. I ask him how are we supposed to communicate? In other words: we don't even have each other's 'phone numbers and he answers 'yes it's true, we are both running around like mad'. So frustrating!

The worst thing is that as he kept saying 'C'est comme tu veux" he was (subconsciously) raising his T-shirt and revealing part of his body.

I bet you was :) lol and I suspect it probably came across in your tone as well that you was unimpressed with his responses which probably made him shut down more - gah you two!!!

Be bold " here is my number, call me"

Thanks Muddle.

I am, sadly, (my biggest failing?) a dreadful self destructor when it comes to relationships. But his communication was poor too today. Maybe for him Monday was a foregone conclusion. In my head yesterday I had decided that he shouldn't come round as the kids were home but I hadn't said any of that. I had planned to ask him for a drink in town today.

So now, if you are both still up, can I please tell you what I've decided to do? I'd love your honest opinion.

Yes please do

It is pretty clear that he's single. That's positive.

Tgis so why not answer some of my questions if you want more insight? what was his tone of voice and expression when he kept repeating it - and when he said he will be tired on monday? Another one you haven't answered - How would you contact him about Monday now - you mean come in to the garage again or phone? instead of asking 'how' you should haev said let's exchange numbers or given him your number (the best!).
Yes it's not working so far because you both are looking for initiative from each other. But if lack of initiative irritates you, then think carefully whether it's more important that his good points? for some it's a dealbreaker, nothing wrong with that.

ah so you didn't tell him to come over on Monday - that wasn't clear in yest posts - well in this case he still wanted to come over, it seems, but wanted you to confirm - tbh you shouldn't have questioned how tored he'd be if he wasn't raising that himself! but as he reiterated, then it's a shame you didn't explain that your house not a good idea and that you meant to meet up for a drink. You can still do all this - but do you need to come in to see him on monday for that?

I meant 'didn't tell him not to come over'.

Right. My decision.

Whilst talking this evening with my friend (who was pretty agog at how I had completely sabotaged the entire thing) I was feeling devastated. I started shedding real tears of emotion when I expressed what it was I wanted to see him for on Monday.

I'm going to try to keep this succinct.

My problem is that I like to be clear in my head. Unfortunately, being this affected by a man does not make me feel serene. I have put an end to all too many relationships in the past because the man I was with wasn't being clear enough and wasn't telling me what I wanted to hear at the time. I ended a relationship with a beautiful Greek young man when I was teaching in Greece many years ago because he could not give me the answer I was hoping for ... at the time. I left Greece permanently a month later. He said to me at the airport, we'll see each other again one day. I didn't hear what he wanted me to hear. I moved on. He moved to England to study but by then I was expecting my first child with another man. For eight years he loved me but I kept sabotaging the relationship. All this because he didn't say what I wanted to hear.

To a hugely lesser extent this is what has happened with B today. I went to the garage hugely stressed because I was hoping he would clearly ask for confirmation of what we should do about Monday. He didn't give me what I wanted. The result? Self destruct. Yesterday he was perfectly clear. I partly am responsible for messing it up.

I'm leaving for England on Tuesday. I wanted to be clearer in my mind so that I could be available for my elderly parents and my three children and all my family. I wanted to ask him out on Thursday so that I would have a yes or no from him. Clarity.

But there's more to it than that. I feel a strong need to communicate the amazing things he has given me without realising it. How professionally he has been very reassuring for me during a very difficult year in my life. How, thanks to him I've managed to disconnect from my husband who stopped pressurising me at the same time. I simply wanted to thank him because it is painful not being able to give some good back to him after everything he's done for me. I'm certain he has no idea about any of this, obviously.

My friend said to me this evening that this was all very good. BUT by saying all this I was not communicating one essential part which would end up making me feel just as frustrated as before. The fact that through all this I had grown attracted to him. She suggested that if I didn't tell him this I would be closing the door on a potential relationship. It would then be up to him to decide what he wants; yes or no.

Sorry to be late to this. I imagine you are fluent in French - what I'm getting at is: are there different expressions for "let's forget about it" which transmit subtley different meanings? I'm probably overthinking.

"let's forget about it" does sound a little final, and from your analysis of "C'est comme tu veux" it sounds like his reply may imply "I'll do what you want (ie forget about it) but I don't really want to."

I agree you are going to have to be less ambiguous.

Seriously though, PGtips, the pressure of his colleagues always being around, the pressure of seeing how busy he is, etc.

I have written in previous messages this evening that his tone was very strong. It's your decision not mine.

The ironic thing here is that my car problem which he worked on today is still not resolved. Seriously, the frantic noise it makes when I turn left is driving me bonkers. So, the universe is telling me I have to go back to the garage on Monday (ha, ha). I will go there, apologise and say clearly that I would really like to meet up on Monday evening not because I want his help but because I really would like to talk with him.

I agree if you say nothing you can guarantee nothing will happen.

If you recognised that your self sabotage behaviours have ruined past relationships why are you allowing said behaviours (needing him to tell you want you want to hear) to dictate how this relationship goes?

Do you mean if you invited him for that drink you'd restrain yourself from flirting and long eye contact etc? Surely not - in which case he'll know you are attarcted to him and of course if you were actively trying to hide/deny it that would be crazy! Generally by inviting a man for a drink it implies you aer attracted even if not ready to act on it - so I wuldn't worry about him not getting it, also if you shared your emotions in thios way, I ;m sure it would follow by something more sexual - I don't mean in actual sense but the tension, desire to hold his hand - or he may feel like saying something to you if you were having such a heart to heart.

Ah, I thought there was a chance of x-posting.

You haven't actually said what your decision is? It sounds like you are going to tell him honestly how things are. My advice: stare at the floor, and talk to him quickly so you can't stop yourself.

yes I've read it was 'strong' but what does that mean - warm? was he smiling? deep eye contact? or was it a detached but clear?

Hello Silvery and thank you for being here. I am French so I can pick up on the nuances but find it hard to put them into English context.

"Laissons tomber" is what I said. Let's forget about it. It's not worth it.

His repeated and firm "C'est comme tu veux" suggests to me "your decision is important and I will respect what you decide even if it goes against what I have decided." Or "you call the shots. My offer for help still stands."

Something like that. It wasn't a wishy washy 'as you like' or 'whatever you think'.

Ah ok - that's great then that you have to go back on Mon anyway - nothing lost then! and yes you can confirm then. is this all of your decision? I thought it would be something radical haha!
Such a sjame though you didn't give him your number - then you could have a relaxed uninterrupted conversation whether on Monday morning or even on w/end.

that's exactly how I interpreted - not as wishy washy, I meant 'I'll do whatever you like' rather than just 'as you like it' - but how he said (apart from clarity) is important. The thing is, something rattled you - so I thought he sounded not as warm or eager as you would expect!