Help- on holiday and DP has just told me he has been having a 6 month affair

[Notgoingtobeamug]

Well, just that really.

DP of 14 years has been having an affair for 6 months with a 25 year old (13 years his junior). We have a 2 year old DS.

He told me he had a friend that he had met for coffee a few times but they were just friends blah blah blah. Stupidly I believed him. Now it's all come out. He has form for staying out all night- I thought he had a drinking problem but turns out he has been shagging someone else. He even took our DS to meet her one time. He told OW that we had split up and all the usual crap.

He says he finished it 2 weeks ago, it's me he wants. She is constantly sending him texts (I've seen them), obviously upset at him breaking things off with her and coming on holiday with me and DS, she is upset we are "back" together.

I don't know what to do. I'm stuck in an all inclusive resort in one room with him and DS. I can't even express to him how angry/hurt I am as DS constantly in the room. I can't get any time away from him to think.

My head is spinning, I want to ask questions but the more I find out the more it hurts. I keep on asking about occasions where he said he was somewhere- nope- he was with her.

I guess if she could find you on FB you could find her. Whether that is a sensible idea is another thing. I doubt you will get closure through it, He is going to minimise the impact of e affair to you both. Maybe she knew you were still together , maybe she didn't. He has chosen what to tell her just as he has you. Vile to take your ds along, how else has he allowed it to encroach on your life and home I wonder.

I don't know whether to take his phone with me and then answer any withheld numbers. The thing is, what more can she tell me? Logically, I must have heard the worst, it's been going on for ages, she has met my son and I know when he disappeared he went to hers. I just want her to know that I'm not some sap who has got "back" with DP, I've always been here!

I know it's him who ended it, the messages she sent before he blocked her were her going on about wanting to marry him and cook him dinner on Sunday night after we land!

I'm so angry on DS behalf. He has destroyed our family life and this holiday. He chose to spend large amounts of weekends with her (say, leaving Sunday afternoon and coming back on the Tuesday after the bank holiday) saying he was going to see his Dad. He would stay our all night at least one night a week- I would blame it on alcohol/his depression but no, he was shagging her. He has missed so much time with DS.

I also know not to feel like I win the prize- he does not get to pick me.

Where are you on holiday ....just curious about the time difference there

OP you know that he is continuing to lie through his teeth don't you? If he was so scared of fictitious gangster Daddy, he would never have had an affair with gangsters precious daughter. He is calling her unhinged because she threatened to contact your sister. I am guessing that through your profile, she worked out that you were never split from your husband. He has lied to you both, for her to be prepared to introduce her dc to him she must have thought it was a serious relationship. He used your little boy to manipulate his other woman and continue his facade, that is unforgivable

Please check your Facebook, he may have blocked her. You deserve the right to speak to this OW. Can you contact ow through Instagram? You will never get the truth off of your lying two faced husband. You are not old or frumpy, your husband is a complete and utter asshole. The way he has treated you is despicable, he must have known that this was coming. He had plenty time to tell you when you were at home, he chose to break it to you in the most manipulative way. You can't even send him away, you are stuck with him until Sunday.

Definitely take her phone and tell her- do not protect him.

I wouldn't normally recommend behaving in reaction to anger- but what he has done is abhorrent and I feel sorry for her too. God only knows what he told her about you.

Cross posted, I'm sorry but this is even worse, I would put money on him changing his mind and running into ow arms when he gets home. Her messages do not sound like someone who he split up with two weeks ago. I wonder if he dumped her just after she found your profile.

Pelirocco - if you are dubious about the veracity of the OP's story, report her post.

Fwiw Greece is 2 hours ahead of the U.K.

OP - I would start talking to him about where he's going to go when you get back home. If you decide to continue in this relationship, he has to move out while you decide what you want to do.

What a first class prick! It doesn't matter where you are, kick him out! He can sleep on the beach, pool loungers anywhere else. He's done this and he needs to face consequences. Don't have dinner etc have the rest of your holiday with just you and DS. I'm very sorry your having to deal with this :(

Pelirocco I'm trying not to give any details that could out me on here- but I'm within a 5 hour flight of uk. Plenty of hot places within that distance if you want to check- Portugal, Greece, Spain, Italy, Turkey..... Not sure why you would doubt this story but report if you must.

I know that the whole fictitious gangster dad is a way to put me off contacting her. I can't find her on Facebook, she has an unusual name. Apparently she re activated her account just to find me. I know she definitely did as one of her messages referred to my sister being on holiday (my sister had recent posted a photo at a well known land mark in Europe). DP didn't know my sister was going on holiday so he couldn't have mentioned it to her.

I suppose though she isn't my problem really, DP is. He says he is sorry but then keeps on going on about the relationship problems we have had, even harking back to an incident from 4 years ago (before DS even born). I keep on saying if he was unhappy in the relationship he should have left, not had a bloody affair and then expect me to be grateful he "chose me". Lucky me!!

How he has afforded an affair I don't know. I pay for everything, mortgage, childcare, etc. I even paid for this bloody holiday- £2000 wasted! His business has apparently been doing badly this year- probably not, he has probably been spending it all on OW. I've probably paid for the petrol he used driving to see her- she lives North London, we live south coast.

I don't know why I am so fixated on her looks, probably because I have lost all self confidence this year. He made me think I was going crazy, that his disappearing act was normal behaviour, that I had unrealistic expectations of family life. I actually called the Samaritans at my lowest point. I have tried to plan lovely days out for the 3 of us only for him to cancel last minute. I have pretended his terrible behaviour didn't exist, shouted at him, screamed at him, cried, ignored. Somehow though he made me believe it was all in my head, his family think I am a controlling cow that manipulates everything but all along I was right!

I'm so sorry love. I wish all women would learn to listen to their gut. It's rarely wrong.

You are strong. He's a weak twat. Put your son and yourself first and stop thinking about him and feeling like you have to put him first or even anywhere on the list!

This is awful and similar happened to me.
My ExH had gone on ahead of me on holiday with our DD.
I found out properly 2 days before I was due to fly to join him.
And then family were joining us.
It was pure torture.
I couldn't tell anyone because I didn't have a clue what I was going to do.
I used to get up (after not sleeping) at about 5am.
I'd go for a massive long walk and sit on the beach and cry.
Then I'd walk back in time to be there when everyone woke up.
Put on my happy face.
Many a time I had to leave and just find a corner somewhere to breakdown and cry.
When you feel like it then just get away from him and cry and cry, it that's what you need to do.

Basically, you have to get through today and tomorrow then you'll be on your way home.
You need to think about what you want to do when you get back
Does he have family or friends close by?
I'd be asking him to leave for a while to get some head-space and time to think about what YOU really want.
It's one of the most awful things to go through but many of us have been there.

Fake it 'til you make it for the next 2-3 days and then take your time making any decisions.
No knee jerk reactions.
You need some well thought out reasonings to make your decision.
You do not need to rush it.
You do not need to put any time pressures on yourself and don't be dictated to by others.
Get some RL support around you when you come back.
Confide in someone and talk it through with them.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
It's pure hell on earth!
for you.

Your dh is a selfish bastard. Deliberately telling you on holiday , thus ensuring that you cannot escape .
I wouldn't be able to be in the same room as him.
Tell him to leave

I agree with AreYou It's controlling behaviour to tell you when you are trapped on holiday. I would resent this almost as much as it says so much about him as a person - taking away your choices.

Remember that he is using a script now.

So far he has:

Minimised

Blamed problems in your relationship on him resorting to having an affair

He will no doubt use emotional blackmail of dont split up our family/I lurvee you

IMO, this would be the end of the relationship with me. I know you said that you have little money, but I would still try to get another room or fly back earlier.

Logically, I must have heard the worst, it's been going on for ages, she has met my son and I know when he disappeared he went to hers.

It could have been going on for longer than the 6 months he's telling you. There's more or he'd have no issue with you speaking to her.

More likely he's told a lot of lies about you and he doesn't want you finding out.

Tell him you will track her down with or without him giving you the number, so he has this one last chance to tell you everything he told her about you and how and when it all started because even if you have to hire a P.I you will.

You can tell him one of the helpful people you know has a P.I contact who'll do it for free. So he better spill or you'll find out once you contact her.

And people do hire PI's. I got a lovely letter after someone's husband did just that.

He only told you because she was going to blow it wide open, I hope you realise this, the fact she was still able to call him backs this up, if he had finished with her then why was she able to call him!

You even had to pay for his holiday, Jesus, has this guy got anything right about him.

I just hope you don't believe a word he says now because he will continue to minimise and lie to you, just like he has been for the last six months, probably longer actually.

He's a disgusting excuse for a human being never mind a husband, I am so angry on your behalf.

Once you get home, get sorting out finances and get rid, he has no value for your marriage whatsoever.

He's not expecting to be let into the house when you return on Sunday, is he?

He's not only done this to you, he's done it to DS too. Despicable. And as for the fantasy yarn about gangsters and being unhinged, well that speaks volumes. Did he think you'd swallow that and say, "Oh I SEE, well, you had no choice, thank heavens you decided to pick me in the end. Shall we have an ice-cream?"

If I had a quid for how unhinged an OW is post affair or how violent her DH or family member is - I'd be loaded.

While he was with her for nights having a fu**fest she was just fine.... all of a sudden she's unhinged after he's deceived her and was going to tell you.

What a crock of excrement. He's betrayed you and been as bad to her. Making her an OW without consent.

Find a way to speak to her when you get home. I'm so sorry your holiday has been ruined because he couldn't be faithful to you.

You honestly deserve much better than a cheating man who seems to bring so little if anything to the relationship.

I agree with SandyY2K, you deserve so much better OP. I would be telling him that your sister has contacted you with the full story, that he better tell you everything or you will hear it from her. I am guessing it has been going much longer that six months, I am also guessing that he has a separate bank account with a shed load of money in it. I would be insisting on seeing a statement for it if you can. You will need to know that he has separate accounts and funds he has been sqirreling away for a long time( as he will try to get away with not paying maintenance) . He knows he is leaving and has financially separated from you already (cocklodger) . As soon as he gets home he will be off living the high life whilst blaming it all on your 'controlling behaviour'. He has been emotionally abusive and gaslighting you for months, ease look into the freedom program when you are back home and have shed the extra 12-16 stone of lard that is you stench.

Stench = stbxh

Gosh this is beyond hideous. Can you ask him to go home, there is no way you'll be able to think straight let alone try and get this information to sink in.

A 6 month affair is definitely not a mistake, he may want you now and know he's made a mistake and want you back but he will have to leave you to have some breathing space - was he honestly thinking he'd just mention this beside the pool and then carry on as a normal holiday?!

He is cruel, insensitive and needs to go home

He would stay our all night at least one night a week

Where did you think he was? With friends or at his dad's?

I would expect she has blocked you on Facebook. I would also expect he told her you are crazy or suchlike, much like he is saying about her to you now. Do not believe a word he says. He will minimise and blame you. She is prob as much a victim of his lies as you are. And if her father is a gangster and beats him up - well, if that is true, tough lucky matey.

I am afraid I would suggest sti testing for yourself too btw.

And staying out all night, I am surprised you did not suspect before.