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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help- on holiday and DP has just told me he has been having a 6 month affair

114 replies

Notgoingtobeamug · 23/06/2016 15:49

Well, just that really.

DP of 14 years has been having an affair for 6 months with a 25 year old (13 years his junior). We have a 2 year old DS.

He told me he had a friend that he had met for coffee a few times but they were just friends blah blah blah. Stupidly I believed him. Now it's all come out. He has form for staying out all night- I thought he had a drinking problem but turns out he has been shagging someone else. He even took our DS to meet her one time. He told OW that we had split up and all the usual crap.

He says he finished it 2 weeks ago, it's me he wants. She is constantly sending him texts (I've seen them), obviously upset at him breaking things off with her and coming on holiday with me and DS, she is upset we are "back" together.

I don't know what to do. I'm stuck in an all inclusive resort in one room with him and DS. I can't even express to him how angry/hurt I am as DS constantly in the room. I can't get any time away from him to think.

My head is spinning, I want to ask questions but the more I find out the more it hurts. I keep on asking about occasions where he said he was somewhere- nope- he was with her.

OP posts:

applesvpears · 23/06/2016 16:58

Sorry you are going through this. Sending hugs. From the other side..I have been the other woman and get how she is feeling too.i sure he has spun her a few lines and she is heartbroken as well.

NanaNina · 23/06/2016 16:59

Obviously I agree with everyone and this happened to me too many years ago, but an almost identical situation - told on holiday. It's shit and it's going to be shit for a long time whatever happens. I know exactly what you mean about looking at the happy families, I did just the same and couldn't understand why people were chatting and laughing etc. I think it's despicable that he told you on holiday and this must be so that you couldn't just up and off, even on a temporary basis.

The only thing I'd say is even if you manage to get home earlier, the emotional pain is going to go with you. I remember thinking I could somehow "run away from the pain" but of course that's not possible. It's late Thursday a/noon so Sunday is not so far away. You could ask the hotel for a single room but you'd have to pay so that's not an option.

Do you have family/friends to support you when you get home.

ScrambledSmegs · 23/06/2016 16:59

He says he finished it 2 weeks ago, it's me he wants.

It's not up to him. It's your decision. Try your best to do what you feel is right for you. If it means asking him to bugger off on long walks, so be it.

It's not about him anymore, the selfish wanker. This is about you and your DS.

SemiNormal · 23/06/2016 17:01

I'm so sorry you're going through this, what a shit. I would get him to ring OW in front of you to confess to her that he was with you the entire time, let her know she has been made a mug of too. Although I also feel that she was going to spill the beans as it were and that's why he's told you, but if you get him to ring her you should find that out from what is said.

scampimom · 23/06/2016 17:06

Well either he's planned telling you while on holiday in which case he's a calculating bastard, or he was about to be exposed by the OW or someone else who knows, in which case he's a slimy coward, or he just couldn't cope with the guilt and when asked in a weak moment he's confessed, in which case he's a selfish arse who just wanted to feel better.

So so sorry for you. Use that rage - you've every right to be angry. This man hasn't just cheated on you, he's torn your family up, thrown away everything you've built together. And all because he can't keep it in his trousers.

He doesn't deserve you or your DS.

SirVixofVixHall · 23/06/2016 17:08

So sorry OP. What a dreadful situation. Personally I would take the OWs number and call her to find out from her what had been going on and to let her know that at no point had you separated.
I would also get home if I could but I see that it might be impossible for you and that you also have to factor in your ds. Would your Mum /Dad/ sibling be able to pay for you to get home? I'm not sure where you are? Is there anyone close to you that you could call for some emotional support?

shovetheholly · 23/06/2016 17:16

God, how awful for you. I am so sorry. He is a wankbag.

Can you use the time to get your ducks in line? Find a decent solicitor in your area (maybe use the local boards?) and make an appointment for your immediate return. Also, get advice on your financial situation regarding housing, contributions etc. Tell friends and family. I know it feels humiliating, but honestly it's his shame and not yours, and having support on hand the moment you get back will be really, really useful.

for you.

SuperFlyHigh · 23/06/2016 17:25

Just wanted to say how sorry I am.

not quite the same but I broke up with a boyfriend on holiday and flew home a week early - luckily I had the money spare for a flight and credit card.

Can you speak to someone at the resort? They could possibly put you and DS in another room away from DH. The tour rep actually offered to do that for me.

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 23/06/2016 17:25

OP what a nightmare for you. Of course he could have told you this before you went on holiday - it's almost like he wanted to trap you/limit your options.

remember you only have his word that he finished it 2 weeks ago. OW could have found out that he wasn't separated/divorced/whatever and dumped him!

VoldysGoneMouldy · 23/06/2016 17:27

He obviously has some money, he's been managing to pay for an affair for over six months. He needs to pay for another room at the very least.

He's told you on holiday so that you'll be 'over it' when you get home, he's hoping not to have to deal with the realities of his actions.

You deserve better than that.

He took your son to meet the woman he was shagging?

Leave him.

notapizzaeater · 23/06/2016 17:31

What an absolute twat, he's timed telling you so you can't easily escape

FellOutOfBed2wice · 23/06/2016 17:36

Id kill him. First and foremost he needs to get another room now so you aren't on top of each other- or you all need to go home. Then you can think about the future but I personally would not be forgiving this. Men who do this are scumbags. No excuse for it.

Petal40 · 23/06/2016 17:42

Why has he told you at all? If he did indeed end it 2 weeks ago.....my guess is she told him she was going to tell you....she backed him in to a corner and gave him no choice....hhhuummmm.not good...you need some space..take as much time as you need away from ds and dp ..swim walk relax and think it all through...people do get past this....I did...we are ok ,years later,but you have to both want to make it work...right now your world has been turned upside down....concentrate on your needs and make him do as much as possible with ds

EweAreHere · 23/06/2016 17:42

Oh he picked you, did he. Fab. Except the choice isn't his, it's YOURS. So don't let him act like he's some gift because he picked you. It's irrelevant what he wants at this point. What do YOU want, OP?

He did this on your family holiday because he knew you'd be trapped and/or he knew his pissed off girlfriend was going to find a way to out him for the cheating b*stard he is. Tell him to find a sun lounger for the duration, and decide what it is YOU want to do. If it was me, it would be over.

And make sure you get yourself screened for STIs when you get home.

PlatoTheGreat · 23/06/2016 17:43

First thing is to organise things so that you are doing one thing and he is looking after your DC. Then maybe swap over.
Then organise your return. Do you want him to move out so you can get your head around it?
What would work best for you?

BastardGoDarkly · 23/06/2016 17:44

Jesus. H.Christ. just when you think you've read the worst MN has to offer.

What a total bastard.

If you really are stuck there, it's only 2 more days really, you can do this.

I hope and pray though, when you get home you kick his lying, cheating cruel arse out of your home.

I'm so sorry love

Tenpastlate · 23/06/2016 18:17

He took your 2 year old son to see his OW???
I never sat LTB, but... LTB

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 23/06/2016 18:19

I am sure it's no accident he picked his moment to confess when you're away from usual support and stuck with him. Is he plain stupid or very calculating? (Now he's got that off his chest he probably thinks half the battle's done, and will from now on sleep like a log).

If they work together or in the same company he is going to get more than cross texts, what a mess.
Btw don't feel like a mug for being taken in by his lies. Nice normal people who don't have sordid secret affairs expect to be able to trust their loved ones, that's neither complacent nor smug, just trusting and decent.

JonesTheSteam · 24/06/2016 00:29

Hope you're ok, OP?

Fratelli · 24/06/2016 06:34

Op I hope you're ok. How awful. Remember that it is you who makes the decisions now, not him. How dare he do that to you then ruin your family holiday? I hope he feels ashamed. Definitely have a word with the hotel or your rep. As soon as you get home get some real life support. Sending you lots of strength

Original poster

Notgoingtobeamug · 24/06/2016 06:37

Well last night was interesting. We went for dinner and then the children's disco (I'm trying to have some sense of normality for DS).

I had 4 drinks and started asking questions once DS was asleep. Of course DP then blamed my questions on being drunk.

I told him I wanted OW number (he
Has now blocked her but she keeps calling from a withheld number). I want to speak to her to find out her side of the story. He won't give it to me as he is now saying she is mentally unhinged blah blah blah. He is also saying her Father is some kind of gangster and DP will get beaten up if she finds out we were never separated.

I keep on looking at her Instagram page, she is 25 but looks 15, a size 6 and hair down to her bum. I then look at myself in the mirror and look old and frumpy.

I am so so hurt. The fact he took DS to meet her and her son at soft play to play happy families is going round and round. I also can't get over he told me here. That is before I even try to digest he has had a 6 month affair.

He told me as she somehow found me on Facebook (I have quite a common name so god knows how). She then threatened to message my sister (found her from my friends list). DP then decided he had to come clean. She didn't message my sister though. He said he was always going to tell me after the holiday (but I know that's a lie).

OP posts:

Original poster

Notgoingtobeamug · 24/06/2016 06:39

I asked reception for another room but it's £160 a night- impossible. I slept in DS bed. Getting up now with DS for breakfast then swimming. Going to take the key with me so DP can lie in a hot un air conditioned room

OP posts:

Fratelli · 24/06/2016 06:45

Ugh he sounds vile. Just vile. He's continuing to lie. He obviously doesn't want you to have ow's number because he's been lying to both of you.

Taking your ds to meet her is just unforgivable imo. I'm so sorry he's done this to both of you.

Fratelli · 24/06/2016 06:47

Also, I know it's hard but try not to get hung up on what she looks like. It doesn’t matter and that's not why he did it. My ex cheated on me with someone who looked like a man in drag! They do it because they're bad people. His behaviour is a reflection on him, not on you.

Figgygal · 24/06/2016 06:49

What a bastard

Sorry can't be more articulate it's been a long morning

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