He wants me to quit work..

[MumOfOne14]

So my DH every week when it comes to me going to work has an absolute strop. I work 2 nights & its up to him to put our DS of 18months to bed. My DS does stir now & again, but he usually goes straight back down to sleep. I do absolutely everything else all week.. Every Bum change, baths, all meals, bedtimes(when I'm not working) & every night wake up, my DH won't do anything else, But the two nights he has him "he can't handle it" and is worried he'll lose his temper from tiredness. He's lost his temper with me in the past cos of booze & smashed a few doors in. So this is it, I'm backed into a conner of either going to work & leaving my DH miserable with what little he has to do or quit my job of 13 years. My DH only works 3 days a week too. I'm so bloody pissed off so AIBU??

You're not your.

Have you seen the news this week?

A 6 year old girl was killed by her dad because he "couldn't control himself".

Don't be another parent of an abused, battered or god forbid, dead child. Listen to the warning bells clanging and get the hell out of this situation. It won't be easy and it won't be painless but it will be a hell of a lot better than staying.

So you have to regulate your behaviour for fear of your dh losing his temper.

Now you will have to regulate your freedom by giving up work. For fear of your dh losing his temper.

As your ds gets older, you will have to work to control his behaviour for fear of your dh losing his temper.

Sorry but this is on a sliding scale with someone like Ben butler at the extreme end.

I would change your working hours and make plans to a) get more financial independence and b) leave.

He has warned you. You don't need to quit your job you need to quit your husband. If that's not a choice you can make maybe you need to figure out alternative arrangements to look after your son when you are at work as he isn't safe.

Let's ease up on the OP a bit - she's posted to say she's going to look at options for leaving. This is a big deal and she needs support, not scaring away

Blimey I don't usually say this but you really need to leave the bastard!

He clearly has no respect for you if he's happy to only work three days a week and yet he still leaves everything to you and can't cope with two nights on his own but the thought of him actually saying he might lose his temper with his young son is chilling!

It doesn't sound like he loves him if he can say that you wanted a baby more than him. How nasty!

If my H said that he'd be out the door on his arse like a flash

I had a father who blamed his repeated violence on "losing control" and it was everybody else's job to handle his moods. It left me with a cut lip on one occasion and lifelong mental health problems. Please do what my enabling mother never did and get yourself and your child out of there.

Good luck, OP. This is a situation where it is unanimously LTB. You are making the right choice, going in the right direction and it is the right thing to do. Be strong. It will work out for you and your DS.

You sound like a lovely mum with a job and friends and every chance and ability in the world to make a new life for you and your son.

I don't know what you do for a job but I would be looking into changing your hours or looking for something else too. I wouldn't want to be dependent on this man for anything.

Sorry but reading that i fear that there's a possibility he will hurt your child. Nothing is worth that risk. Leave him and keep your child safe!

I'd have left the minute he said he might not be able to control himself with your 2 years old. WTF!! How do you know he is not already hurting your son??? Sorry but this does not sound good.

Don't quit work, it's good for you to do your own thing, and have some time away from home.
Mine had a wobble when I returned to work after ML, it was down to lack of confidence at dealing with a baby as I'd pretty much done everything up until then. We didn't have a choice, I have to work as I'm the main earner. It was a turning point for DH though and he stepped up, eventually. His relationship with DS is great as a result and we share all the parenting 'duties' now

Yes I think you had better consider your options for leaving. He sounds bloody awful. He's selfish, bad tempered, controls through anger and threats to get things the way he wants and resents any expectations for him to perform as a husband or father. What use is he to your family? He's just not a family man!

He's an abusive wanker OP - end it now and live your life without this shit.

Well done OP for posting on here, I think you knew what was happening wasn't right and we support you, along with WA, and the law.
Could you record on your phone what happens next time you go to work, or pretend to go to work? Could someone advise if that's legal (might help later when you don't want him to have unsupervised access).

"most people would be glad to stop working" well no, lots of people like their jobs.

normal dads would look forward to spending time with their children is what most people think.

Good luck with this & get some RL support too

Your DS is a child. He won't know about 'holding back or he'll blow'. I would hazard a guess that sooner or later your DS will do something, something totally normal that children do, and your DH will 'blow'. And God help your DS when that happens.

Makes plans now. Get everything together, look at childcare, increasing your hours, moving closer to home, whatever. But you need to get your son, and yourself, away from this man.

I think a man who uses threats of violence against his child in order to control his wife really is the lowest of the low don't you OP?

That is the unvarnished truth. He's already controlling you because you are scared he'll be violent to you. Now he's moved onto your son. Do you want to wake up in 2, 3 5 years time and realise your son is being emotionally abused too?

Get some RL support OP and get out. This will end in tears, I guarantee it

It is okay for you to realise two years down the line after having a child, that your dh is not good family material. None of us know what we will be like as parents before we do it, much less be able to predict how someone else will perform.

Ok so - you've given it a couple of years and lo - he's no use. Much worse than that, he's actually fucking obstructive by way of supporting the family, to the point where he bullies and abuses in order to get his own way. If he will seriously uphold your job as the root of evil rather than his foul temper, you have to face the fact that you're dealing with with someone who poses a genuine risk to both of you.

As much as mumsnet can offer opinions, even unanimously like now, I advise you to contact Women's Aid and Citizen's Advice in order to cement things in your mind. I am sure you have been made to doubt yourself many times over so you need to re-learn how to have faith in your own perspective. Speaking to the experts will give you strength and courage in your convictions.
It's not you, it's him. You will have your foibles as we all do, but this...it is not you. The year is 2016 and none of us are obliged legally or morally to remain in an abusive marriage. Stay safe and go.

I wouldn't give up the job, it's 2 nights a week. your dh does only 3 days ( although I suspect he might work 12 hours or such like) so 4 days a week he is home resting from his job so I struggle to see where his tiredness comes from.
He's choice was to have a child so he can not just Opt out of being a parent!

I also worry that in your OP you worry he will lose his temper due to tiredness a lot of parents are tired but I would never expect them lash out at there Children. He's lost his temper before with you and blamed it on being drunk.
If he has problems with controlling his temper then my thinking is one day your ds will do something because he will not understand " daddy has a short fuse" and your DH will snap and no little child needs that.

Good luck OP

you need to work FT honey, and then seriously consider your options here

Leave him, don't waste anymore time and effort on someone who thinks nothing of hurting another human being.
You both deserve a better life.
Do you really need us to advise you......... REALLY?????
Move before you regret it.

My friend has just built up the courage and wishes that she did it years ago, I said to her......It's like jumping into water knowing it's going to be bloody freezing, once you do it, it's not as bad as you thought, although still a shock to the system, but you will be nice and warm soon enough!

Girlie Mantra
'IM AS MAD AS HELL! AND IM NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!'

FGS given that he is only working 3 days a week he ought to be worshipping the ground you work on given that you are also prepared to work two nights to help bring money in, on top of managing the baby.

This is literally the Ben Butler case. Have you read about it OP?

He is abusive. He is controlling you. When you give up your job there will be something else that he is getting angry about. This won't end. Please contact women's aid or a similar organisation for advice and read up on The Freedom Program and get yourself on a free course. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk
Hugs to you x

Hi, thanks for all the advice and support given so far. We're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic now, at the OP's request.

I once read on here that when a man shows you who he really is believe him. Your partner has told you he will hurt your child. Believe him and leave before you become the mother of a dead baby.