He wants me to quit work..

[MumOfOne14]

So my DH every week when it comes to me going to work has an absolute strop. I work 2 nights & its up to him to put our DS of 18months to bed. My DS does stir now & again, but he usually goes straight back down to sleep. I do absolutely everything else all week.. Every Bum change, baths, all meals, bedtimes(when I'm not working) & every night wake up, my DH won't do anything else, But the two nights he has him "he can't handle it" and is worried he'll lose his temper from tiredness. He's lost his temper with me in the past cos of booze & smashed a few doors in. So this is it, I'm backed into a conner of either going to work & leaving my DH miserable with what little he has to do or quit my job of 13 years. My DH only works 3 days a week too. I'm so bloody pissed off so AIBU??

If he actually said threatened to lose his temper from tiredness, I would be out of there with the DC so fast you wouldn't see my arse for dust. Christ OP, seriously?

Honestly you should bin him because he will hurt your child. Its only a matter of time.

Ive also reported and asked it to be moved to Relationships.

There's a sticky at the top of that board "Right, listen up...". Read it and all the links. Your update that he hasn't been violent for a while [because you walk on eggshells] is chilling.

He is warning you that he can't cope. I agree he should be doing some of the childcare but then read about him losing his temper.
Don't risk your child with him. He has obviously been near hurting him. Get himm help through GP or get out.

I'd be worried about him being around your child if he has a tendency towards violence when things aren't going his way.

I would look to leave. Don't give up your job, you need to be able to support yourself and your son in future and all it would do would isolate you.

Have you got friends or family around?

Only his family live close, my MIL wouldn't be able to have my DS twice a week all night, she'll be knackered & is not the most mobile. All my family live an hour away & have their own family duties. I'm just worried that he'll be heavy handed with my DS if he wakes & won't go back to sleep. I told him he needs anger management & he says "no you need to stop working". He tries to make me feel guilty then by saying "most people would be glad to stop working" Which ok it would be nice, but it's because he's saying it for himself & not my benefit really pisses me off!! I enjoy my job, but he can't understand that!!

What worries me, apart from the fact that he is an abusive idiot, is the part where you say you know when to be quiet. Thats all well and good for you, if you can live like that, but a child isn't going to understand the signs. What happens when your DS gets older and doesn't know that his 'daddy' is on the edge?

Please think about leaving, for both your sakes.

He is an abuser. He is trying to isolate you from the tiny amount of support you have (work mates) I bet you never see your family / friends or go to baby groups. Don't quit your job you will need your income, friends and it's easier to get another job when you are in a job. I agree with the person who said ask about dayshift.

Would you consider moving back in with your parents, even as a temporary measure until you can get back on your feet?

At 18 months your child is likely to be approaching a more challenging/annoying stage. Toddlers can be very frustrating when they're pushing boundaries. Even if he doesn't use physical aggression, shouting, screaming and throwing/punching things is just not on.

I do think you should consider changing to a day job with proper childcare in place and leaving him.

Yes I didn't even think of that!!! My DS is such a sweetheart, he really is amazing & it baffles me that my DH can think horrible of him!! I'd love to have another baby, but I wouldn't dream of it with my DH, I'd literally be doing everything! He used to just walk out of the house when our DS was few weeks old & leave me to a crying baby. He made me resent our DS for a few months & then I realised it was my DH that was the problem. And I really hate him for that!! He does have good qualities, but I'm really struggling to see them over his major flaws!!

He doesnt have good qualities, those are just for show to keep you there.

You do really need to get out before he carries out this threat of his.

It doesn't matter what good qualities a person has if the bad one's involve violence, aggression and the risk of harm coming to your child.

Eventually he will get violent again even if you did give up your job. Could you justify your child or yourself getting injured? You risk loosing your child either to injuries sustained by him or to Social Services for failing to protect him and so being classed as not being a fit parent either.

Just need to look at other threads on here and the resent news to see that this is a possibility

Leave the husband.

If at all possible once you've left the husband, keep the job.

But first leave the appalling piece of scum who's threatening to hurt your child because you won't do as he commands.

He doesn't lose it because of the booze. Or tiredness, or because you won't shut up.
Those are excuses he uses to pin the blame on you, or anything that isn't him. But it IS his fault. We all get tired, we all have days we are pushed but most of us don't smash doors.

It takes seconds of violence to seriously hurt or kill a child. He's telling you that he's either snapped already and been close to hurting him or has hurt him.

Either way, he sounds like a useless waste of space. Do not leave your job.

Log any past or present violent incidents with 101. Take photos of the house damage. Keep any texts or emails where he admits to being violent. Then leave.
One day he's going to hurt your precious boy. Get out before then

He is just controlling you. If he was removed from you life tomorrow how would you feel? Because if the answer is relief its time to start thinking about what you want out of life.

He tries to make me feel guilty then by saying "most people would be glad to stop working"

But he doesn't want you to stop working. He wants you to work for him even more than you do already.

He's not a good man. He's a bad. Selfish, controlling, violent man who is capable of hurting you and your ds.
I get that you love your job but you need to be thinking of a way to separate from him and find work during childcare hours.

He doesn't lose it because of the booze

I read this the other day - Mathanxiety I think.

'He doesn't lose it - he uses it'.

My exH was like this - I worked full time, and the few times I left my son with him when I hadn't sorted alternative childcare, I would worry all day that he would lose it....and he had NEVER been violent.
You need to keep your job, you need to leave this vile abusive man and not have to worry about when to shut up. Do not let him isolate you.

Keep the job and lose the husband.

He is trying to get you as vulnerable as possible so that his abuse will escalate. Take what you need and go somewhere safe. Tell SS and the police of his threats of violence towards your child. Do not allow contact.

So if you don't do what you are told, he will hurt the baby?

Can't see how you can read it any other way.

Yes, this is abuse.

I suggest that you inform yourself, and get real-life help.

• Read up on emotional abuse, to help you understand what you've been going through. There are plenty of websites, and the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft is also good.

• Tell a good, solid friend what you've been experiencing, and how it makes you feel. Get emotional support, make it real by talking about, notice how shocked others are to hear what you've come to accept as normal.

• Phone Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247. Ask them to recommend a family law solicitor to you. Ask them if they organise any peer-support groups in your area, or counseling for abuse victims. Ask them how best you should organise your plan to leave. Ask them if they have any refuge spots for you and DS while you sort out your own accommodation.

• Take photos or make copies of financial information, such as bank accounts, investments and house deeds.

• Go see a family law solicitor and find out what the divorce process would be like for you: what you can expect in terms of timing, financial settlement, etc.

• Go to a website such as entitledto to calculate what benefits you would get as a single parent, so you can plan for yours and DS's financial future. Add to this info you will get from a family law solicitor on what maintenance DH would pay for DS.

There is no way you can stay with a violent man who has you walking on eggshells and threatening your DS. You can do this.

I agree with everyone else. You shouldn't be walking on eggshells to keep him sweet. This is a very disfunctional relationship. In a normal, loving relationship this wouldn't happen.

"& when I ask him to do some more with my DS he just says no & you wanted a baby more than me."

Unfortunately I know a couple of women where this has happened, and next time someone posts that they want a/another baby and their partner doesn't I will mention this.

You don't love him

He's lazy

He's violent

You are compromising your very self to be with him

Make your plans and leave