He wants me to quit work..

[MumOfOne14]

So my DH every week when it comes to me going to work has an absolute strop. I work 2 nights & its up to him to put our DS of 18months to bed. My DS does stir now & again, but he usually goes straight back down to sleep. I do absolutely everything else all week.. Every Bum change, baths, all meals, bedtimes(when I'm not working) & every night wake up, my DH won't do anything else, But the two nights he has him "he can't handle it" and is worried he'll lose his temper from tiredness. He's lost his temper with me in the past cos of booze & smashed a few doors in. So this is it, I'm backed into a conner of either going to work & leaving my DH miserable with what little he has to do or quit my job of 13 years. My DH only works 3 days a week too. I'm so bloody pissed off so AIBU??

What everybody else said, plus:

He works THREE DAYS A WEEK, does nothing round the house and yet he's too tired to trust himself around a toddler two nights a week? He wants to get his fucking iron levels checked or something. Mr brother, who's incidentally a total asshat in many ways, had a similar arrangement with his DW when DN was little. My brother's a farmer and works seven days, every week, in a really physical job, and even he managed to keep his shit together to care for a small child two nights a week without ever failing to "handle it". Unless his three days at work 14-hour nursing shifts or something, he seems unusually tuckered out for someone who frankly doesn't do a right lot.

Please leave this person. Imagine if he did lose his temper?!? Sounds like he treats you like shit as well and is a lazy twat. Don't quit your job cos you'll need some independent income.

You might have learnt how to tip toe around him to.avoid his temper but your 18m old child hasn't. Toddlers cam be challenging, he's told you and shown you what he's like you need to listen. Keep the job, ditch the man.

Leave. That's the only action which will protect you and your child.

I have to agree with everyone else.

This is not a man you want to be financially dependent on.
Or a man you should live with.

You should tell him simply that as he's a danger to the baby and he does a nothing at all, then he should leave. And that any more threats and you're reporting them

He sounds like a lazy, abusive arsehole. I have experience with this type of guy.

Your baby won't adjust his behaviour now so your partner might get violent. Later down the line your kid will learn (from you) to tip toe around him. He shouldn't have to.

This really doesn't sound like 'normal' male laziness. i think a lot of men struggle with the shock of a new baby (although the vast majority manage to deal with it) but most of them get better as baby gets a bit more interactive.
You don't want your child to grow up constantly afraid, and toddlers are loud and noisy and yes tiring: my 2 year old spent over an hour just running around screaming yesterday - how is your husband going to react to that sort of thing? If the answer is that he won't cope and might take it out on you or your son then your son should not be living with him.

.

I agree with pp - switch to days, put your ds in nursery then plan to move out. You can't live like that. You will need your job so definitely don't quit. You know this isn't a good relationship and you're putting your son in danger.

Please seek help from a women's organisation and plan to leave: he's physically abusive and sounds dangerous to you and your DC. You can't control this by acting in certain ways.

Take option 3. Fucking leave ASAP.
Yes, what she says!

He's threatening to harm your baby in order to control you. I can't believe you're still there.

He's an abusive controller.
I really fear for your DS if he loses his temper when you're not there, are you sure he's safe with your DH?
Personally I wouldn't want to be with someone like that.

I'm sorry to be alarmist but Ben butler couldn't handle his temper around his little girl. He almost killed her at 7 weeks and succeeded when she was 6.
Violent, out of control men are dangerous and children are fragile.

Thanks for all your replays, I just felt like maybe I was over reacting when he wants me to stay home each week, but when he came out with the whole "I may not be able to control myself" thing last night! Well I couldn't believe it! But yeah every time we have an argument I feel like I have to hold back because he'll blow! I'd never want to risk my son being in that situation I think I really need to consider my options for leaving him. Thanks for all your advice & support!

Your little ds is heading for 2.....'terrible 2's'.... How will this man deal with his little son becoming a little more challenging?

How pathetic to say he may not be able to control himself around a small child, and his own child at that.

Is he genuinely tired? Because if so he should see a doctor - he really shouldn't be that tired if he only works three days a week plus two nights on the bedtime routine for one child.

what a nasty man

He hasn't been violent for years, but I think that's down to me knowing when to shut up. & when I ask him to do some more with my DS he just says no & you wanted a baby more than me...

Come on OP..I haven't had time to read all the replies on this, but seriously?? Are you really considering quitting your job as a solution to this?
You've told us he drinks to the point of violently smashing things, says he can't guarantee he won't hurt his child if left alone with her, only works part time himself, is a 'loner' and doesn't want you going out to work...

And the bit I have highlighted above is really concerning, suggesting he has been violent to you in the past but you have learnt to 'shut up' to not provoke him??

FFS, even if not for your own safety, get the fuck out of there for your child. He sounds hideous.

Adding my voice to the chorus advising you to leave him. You should leave for yourself anyway, but you should definitely leave for your son. He's going to learn to live in fear of Daddy's temper. Does he deserve that?

Unfortunately I know a couple of women where this has happened, and next time someone posts that they want a/another baby and their partner doesn't I will mention this.

yeah, do that, make it the woman's fault if he turns nasty...

OP, run, don't walk away from this controlling abusive wank puffin. He has told you who he is, listen.

Is there any possibility of you being able to do similar work nearer your family? Your DH doesn't really want you, but I doubt he's going to let his well trained victim go without some kind of drama, and being close to a support network for yourself would be really helpful.

Be sneaky. The most dangerous time for women in violent/abusive relationships is when they are leaving or have just left.

Plan the work and work the plan.

Listen to the interview with the expert on coercive control that's just been broadcast (at about 8.35) on Radio 4, OP. It was chilling.

Your DH works just 3 days a week and gets too tired to deal with

...to deal with putting his DC to bed?!!

So let me get this straight your leaving your son two nights a week with someone who has anger issues and resents looking after his him, WTAF!

This isn't a power struggle over who's right and who's wrong, this is about the emotional and physical well being of a child! Stay with this arsewipe if you wish but your son shouldn't pay the price for your refusal to accept that you're married to an arsehole.

Your priority should be your son and if you stay with this man (which you really shouldn't), then you need quit your job or source alternative childcare.

Please call Women's Aid. You are really, really not over-reacting. You are seriously under-reacting. Listen to him, he is saying that if you don't do as he wants, he will hurt your child.