Second Child

[unmumsy1994]

My husband and I are in disagreement about having more children. Our first was not planned, however, he is the biggest blessing and the absolute love of our lives. We are both now back at work in stable jobs and my career is going from strength-to-strength. I never wanted children and, after having a terrible pregnancy, 3 day labour and awful birth, I am not keen to have another. I obviously don't regret having our first, however, I do not suddenly feel the urge to have a house full of screaming children. One is plenty and we have been very lucky that he is a good eater, sleeper and generally a joy to be around (at the moment!).
My husband is adamant that he does not want our son to be an only child but I just cannot see any reason why I would want another. To me it seems like time I would have to take out of work, more stress, more money and tempting fate because I'm convinced this pregnancy would also be terrible and I'd go back to no sleep and permanent exhaustion. Is it fair that I think I have the final say as it is my body, not his? And is having a second child really that good anyway? PLEASE HELP!

Our second child completed our family. But DH and I both desperately wanted two, so it's good for us. And they are both great sleepers/eaters/everything elsers. So yes - having a second child really is that good ... for us. Plenty choose just one, and there are pros and cons. I do feel our first gets a heck of a lot of joy out of the second too, and I am glad he is not an only. But it's your body. If my H wanted a third, I don't think I could do it.

How old is your first? How old are you? That has some bearing. Nearly five years between my two. I do not have "a houseful of screaming kids". I think two is pretty calm, though of course they have their moments.

Our first is only 15 months but my husband would prefer them to be close in age (which I agree does make sense). It would mean getting the expensive part out of the way but my point stands that it is my body. He is asking me to do something with my body that I would never ask of him (i.e. I do not want more children but would never ask him to have a vasectomy).

You are perfectly entitled to tell him that you do not want any more.

The Impact on your career could be eased by him doing the leave after the initial few weeks; however he cannot shoulder any of the burden of the physical effort of carrying a baby, especially with a young child in tow too.

It doesn't sound like you and he agreed a set number and you are now renaging on it - that would be OK too of course but would explain his upset.

Tricky one.

He's only 15 months!

I had three under 2, was hard and great at the same time.

Of course no-one can force you to do something with your body, and ultimately you do have the final say in that, which can put men in a position of unease as all they can do is have an opinion, a woman can make the final decision. I think you need to take that element out of the argument, and discuss your pros and cons. If it is the pregnancy you are worried about, why not look at adoption?

Why wouldn't you ask him to have a vasectomy?

Because he wants another kid!

But OP doesn't

Your name suggests you were born in 1994. Which makes you 22 at most...is that right?

"But OP doesnt" - so she should get sterilised then not him - if sterilisation is the best option.

Absolutely and unequivocally unreasonable to expect an adult who wants children to be sterilised.

I think the point OP was making was she wouldn't ask her DH to have a vasectomy under any circumstance, and in turn he shouldn't ask her to carry a child if she doesn't want to.

Im going to get slated for saying this. . .

My Husband and I were in the precise same position as you 4 years ago but I wanted number 2 and he didn't. We went ahead and Im not going to tart the situation up - it was incredibly difficult for the first 2 years. Although now I cannot understand families with only children. What do those children do with themselves? Every only child I know or know through someone else or have read about HATED being an only child surrounded by adults for their entire childhood.

I dont get it. Children do not play out on the street these days. They do not have cousins or relatives living in the same road as them. They do not have a community of sorts, no matter where they live. They are isolated and there is nothing wrong with that, its the modern world.

My 2 are sitting with each other watching there first film of the week together in the next room, they play together when they wake up early, make each other laugh and invent games together. They are much more creative and teach each other language, art, how to sing e.t.c. They are natural with one another and argue their point and learn to compromise - what friends can you do this with. They are open, upfront and honest with each other - who else can you be like this with? Yes they fight, but I find a little competitiveness and disagreement between families is healthy. It teaches them to see another point of view. They have to learn to wait, share, take turns from a very early age.

In this day and age I believe it is unfair to leave a child in an already isolated world, on their own without the company of a person who is similar in age. Their best friend is likely to be a tablet.

Im with your Husband 100% on this one.

If I were you I wouldn't rush into making a decision one way or another. Just allow more time to think it over.
We have two kids and I love the way they play together. They're good company for each other. But they fight too so it's not all perfect.
Our second is a terrible sleeper and we are exhausted. If you're going to have a second definitely don't expect them to be straightforward and a good sleeper, expect your life to go into upheaval again - and even more so, now you have two. With two there is always somebody wanting something (when they're small at least).
It has to be a decision you're both happy with. He can't just pressurise you into 9 months pregnancy, labour and childbirth etc etc if you aren't sure about it.
Maybe another discussion could be how childcare would work if you did have a second child and how much responsibility he'd take.

I agree with snotty's point re the benefit of siblings.
But I don't know that it's always as simple as that. Having a second child can overwhelm a family who's already struggling, for example.

In this day and age I believe it is unfair to leave a child in an already isolated world, on their own without the company of a person who is similar in age. Their best friend is likely to be a tablet

bullshit

I think you both need to want it... It's the biggest decision you can make. Your first child is still so young... Give yourselves time one of you may change your mind. Ps a small age gap is no indicator of closeness

In general terms, it is the person who wants least children that gets the final say in a relationship (although women get to choose once a pregnancy is created it's best not to get to that point if you don't agree). All you can do is talk things through with your partner and take responsibility for contraception. Ultimately, if he's desperate for more children, he can end your relationship and look for a new partner.

It's a huge decision to make - and to jeopardise your job, career, health & peace for a child you do not want - would be very difficult. Even if you want it, it is incredibly difficult when the 2nd is a baby. Id be careful to agree if I were you.

However after 7 years of deliberation when I did have my second, it's been the best thing I've done for my family. My DD1 is a different child due to having a younger sibling. Yes the age gap is huge and I wouldn't recommend it but I would rather have that than no sibling. I agree completely with snotty's post where singles children (without cousins or siblings at close proximity) end up spending all their play time on devices.

You should think about it some more & decide when you are ready. 15 months is perhaps too soon for you to consider this.

Your DH needs to take the pressure off, and enjoy the baby he has.

Far too soon to be demanding the next one.

I think you and your husband need to agree not to talk or think about it until your kid is a little older then see what you think. Essentially if you really don't want two then that's it - decision made, your body. But you might feel differently later.

I think pros and cons of two kids depend on the situation. I'm in London and many friends started in late 30s and can't afford more than a small flat and 2 kids would be the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. 1 child and happy, non bankrupt family life is better than big family with huge resentments and issues!

You absolutely shouldn't have another child unless you want one. It's just asking for resentment and potentially a poor relationship between you and the child. Ideally a child should be wanted by both parents. It's not like you're conflicted yourself, you actively do not want another.

chipsandpeas said. . .

In this day and age I believe it is unfair to leave a child in an already isolated world, on their own without the company of a person who is similar in age. Their best friend is likely to be a tablet

bullshit (said by chipsandpeas)

Is that your best insult? How about an explanation for your rudeness?

Thanks

I imagine chipsandpeas meant those of us with happy, creative, well adjusted only children (with lots of friends) find it hard to stomach your emotive caricature of a lonely, device obsessed, siblingless misfit. At a guess.

emotive caricature? Another insult! Perhaps I touched a nerve. Oh never mind I give up.

Only children are named 'only' for many reasons. Get over it and wake up! It isn't right or clever to choose to have a lonely only child. I feel so terrible for them (as do most).