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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Second Child

81 replies

unmumsy1994 · 22/06/2016 15:05

My husband and I are in disagreement about having more children. Our first was not planned, however, he is the biggest blessing and the absolute love of our lives. We are both now back at work in stable jobs and my career is going from strength-to-strength. I never wanted children and, after having a terrible pregnancy, 3 day labour and awful birth, I am not keen to have another. I obviously don't regret having our first, however, I do not suddenly feel the urge to have a house full of screaming children. One is plenty and we have been very lucky that he is a good eater, sleeper and generally a joy to be around (at the moment!).
My husband is adamant that he does not want our son to be an only child but I just cannot see any reason why I would want another. To me it seems like time I would have to take out of work, more stress, more money and tempting fate because I'm convinced this pregnancy would also be terrible and I'd go back to no sleep and permanent exhaustion. Is it fair that I think I have the final say as it is my body, not his? And is having a second child really that good anyway? PLEASE HELP!

OP posts:

schbittery · 22/06/2016 19:33

I have to say that i have many friends (9/10) who had their first child at around 40 and consequently have only one. They all have come to regret that I have to say, mainly for social reasons. I think having an only child is fine as a defined choice but maybe less so if you drift into it/have no choice. If you are twenties or thirties id wait for a bit before deciding. I would never have contemplated having another pregnancy/birth/child 15 months in and would still be swearing never again at that point - and i now have three! (and a career)

Artistic · 22/06/2016 20:36

Oh yes, I said 'never again' until DD1 was 5. Then I thought 'maybe' when she was 6. And then I felt 'I do want another DD!' & had DD2 when she was 7.

But I have to admit that I wouldn't have had DD2 'only ' to provide a sibling to DD1. It's simply too hard having kids & raising them to be so selfless. I had DD2 because I wanted another. A very happy outcome has been DD1 having a baby sister that she adores. And I can now appreciate all the well-meaning nosy advice I'd been given all along by friends & family.

jayho · 22/06/2016 20:49

Hmm, I've 'sort of' experienced both. I had my first child at 28 and she was an only child until age 14 when I had another then another four years later.

The younger two are siblings, their sister is a slightly avuncular (don't know pronoun for aunty ), a grown up influence in their life.

I never felt my first was disadvantaged by being an only but can see the benefits to my second two by being closer together. My motivation for having two later was because I wanted two children, my husband agreed so we did.

So, the most important thing here, regardless of which family shapes work well etc, is that it is YOUR body and YOUR decision. No more than that. You don't have kids because it would be nice for them.

Ilovewillow · 22/06/2016 20:56

I really wouldn't rush the decision and it's a decision you both need to be happy with, you are a partnership! We had 8 yrs of infertility and lots of treatment for our first child and I was 36 when we had here! It took a long time before I was ready to go through that again and whilst my husband was keen I wasn't sure about another child. After 4 yrs though I was at he stage where it seemed a good idea so fertility treatment again and nearly 5 years to the day we had a son, he is now nearly 3 and it's not a decision I have ever regretted!

However, I think I would have been equally happy with an only child.

As an aside two doesn't create that much noise!

IdblowJonSnow · 22/06/2016 21:06

Go with your gut instinct. As the carrier and in all likeliness, primary carer, you absolutely get the casting vote! 15 months isn't much of a gap so would put any plans for a second on hold at the very least. I have two, second is an accident. Love no. 2 now here , but it's very hard and, honestly, wouldn't have planned it and was very happy with one. Husband also didn't want to have an only child but by the time our first one was 3, he'd changed his mind and didn't want any more. Child one loves own company and doesn't particularly enjoy number 2! I've plenty of mates with only one children and most of them are very sociable. I know plenty of kids who are less sociable who DO have a sibling.

LillyMom · 22/06/2016 21:14

I would say having a second child is the best thing I have ever done. My kids are friends, love each other and I personally think it can be quite boring to have no siblings.
BUT I completely dislike being pregnant and I think if you and your H cannot agree on that, you should have the final word. The body is yours and being pregnant is not pleasant for many women, takes a long time, there is the birth and so on. The outcome is of course worth all that, but none can force you to go through a pregnancy if you are not willing to. Adopting an older kid is not an option for you?

spad · 22/06/2016 21:17

Wow!!! Oddsocks!!! Wow!!!

I had three in thirty three months and I thought that was impressive, but three under two!!!

KatieKaboom · 22/06/2016 23:44

In this day and age I believe it is unfair to leave a child in an already isolated world, on their own without the company of a person who is similar in age. Their best friend is likely to be a tablet.

Codswallop.

Not all siblings get along.

Not all siblings are similar in age.

Not all only children are babysat by gadgets and not all children with siblings spend hours in rapturous educational play without gadgets. (Ahem. )

Unfair- my arse. The OP is not a fucking baby factory and doesn't need this bullshit guilt trip.

God, this is some of the worst horseshit I've ever read on Mumsnet.

Isetan · 23/06/2016 04:54

Siblings are not guaranteed life companions, they are individuals who you grew up with, that you may or may not get on with. You can choose your friends but not your family and all that.

LellyMcKelly · 23/06/2016 06:36

I hummed and haa - ed, but in the end it was the best thing I could have done for my DD1. I almost died during my first pregnancy so was really worried about doing it again, but it was the best thing. Now, at 7 and 10, they're thick as thieves and keep each other entertained for hours.

Raines100 · 23/06/2016 06:38

Relax, OP, and tell your partner to relax.
No one has to make any decisions now, unless you're already pushing 40. Not having another child is a decision you continue to make over the years, not a one-time choice.

We didn't know how many we wanted. We figured we'd start with one and see how it went, and we've stopped at 3. Age gaps are 2.5 years and 3.5 years. We needed those gaps to feel any urge for another. You still have a baby at home. I've never felt any inclination to have another baby until the previous one has grown past that phase and is a little less demanding. So tell your DH to take the pressure off.

That said, you may never feel that urge, and you need to be honest about that with your DH. But I wouldn't take it off the table for yourself yet. Wait til your DS is talking, potty-trained, starting school- these stages of independence are the triggers that make your ovaries twitch. And if they don't, if it's a relief to be regaining some independence of your own, you'll know another child isn't for you.

Ragwort · 23/06/2016 07:03

Difficult but I don't think any couple should have a child unless they both want one 100% ++. Having a child is such a huge commitment, for many, many reasons.

Did you discuss having children before getting married? What were your views on having children?

I expect my DH would have liked another child but I made it absolutely clear that after (reluctantly) having one I would never have another.

Imknackeredzzz · 23/06/2016 07:07

Snottybeammeup- sorry total load of rubbish. I'm a only child and love it. Have great friends around me, had no issue growing up with adults mainly- and am socially rounded. Hi

HappyGirlNow · 23/06/2016 07:42

snotty's posts have given me a good laugh this morning so don't be too hard on her

Another well-adjusted, happy and socially confident only child here whose childhood was fine with no recollected loneliness.. if anything I think being an only child generally increases confidence, imagination and self sufficiency..

Radyward · 23/06/2016 08:00

I was all set to just have one child until a friend said they will never have nieces or nephews ie be an aunt or uncle.
It made me think.

We have two now and they are just mad about each other. Always a playmate and they ate just so funny. I was only saying the other day how hard it would be if they were an only child playing I the garden. The pressure of play dates etc.
Give it a thought . You won't regret it

Joysmum · 23/06/2016 08:01

Pissing myself laughing at snotty whose shortcomings in her own life makes it impossible for her to consider that it might be different for others.

This isn't about how others feel about having another child. It's no more relevant me telling you me and my daughter are happy and well adjusted only children and my DH who is one of 2 preferred to stick at 1.

Having a second is about maternal and paternal instinct as much as the first was. This isn't just about you and your body, it's about you and your career and you and your lifestyle with 2 rather than 1.

Talk to your DH and spend as much time listening to him and acknowledging his feeling too. He needs to know you understand and are considering his feelings as much as you want him to understand and consider your feelings.

chipsandpeas · 23/06/2016 08:11

my bullshit comment reasons are pretty much what KatieKaboom and others has said
if someone doesnt want a second child no need to guilt them into thinking its bad theres plenty of people out there who are trying for a second but its not happening that feel guilty as it is
plus theres people out there who would love to have even just 1 child

stilllovingmysleep · 23/06/2016 08:30

Snotty your comments are offensive and insulting (let alone unimaginative and stupid).

SandyY2K · 23/06/2016 08:32

My DH wanted 3. I said I would not have another one . Mainly because he wasn't hands on enough and I'm the one going through the pregnancy and the pain,,plus the lack of money when not earning.

He had the choice to leave if he wanted more kids, but he didn't.

My DCs are both in high school now. I've no regrets at all.

stilllovingmysleep · 23/06/2016 09:04

In terms of the OP. I think it's such a hard decision to make. And I want to say I'm sorry you and your DH disagree on such a fundamental subject... That's so tough.

As others have said, a lot depends on your age (and DH's age). If you're young, I wouldn't rule it out for now but would wait. 15 months old is very young and you might find that when your DC becomes somewhat older you do want another one. Then again you might not... There does need however to be some space for compromise and open discussion with your DH, and an honest, Unrushed discussion of pros and cons as you each see them. One thing I'd like to say is that I don't think it's fair to say 'my body my decision'. It puts your DH in a very difficult position and isn't fair, nor does it provide a good start for a discussion.

Hamsolo · 23/06/2016 09:10

It sounds like your husband isn't giving you enough support for two. If he were to share parental leave, so that your career didn't take too big a bit, would you consider it? I think a bigger gap also helps. I have a three year gap between mine, and honestly my career really hasn't suffered. I was able to rebuild really quickly on return to work, and I feel really confident about doing it again for this one. Depends on your area of work of course, but it doesn't have to be the end of working.

Original poster

unmumsy1994 · 23/06/2016 09:28

Thank you all for your advice, comments and personal analogies. I have never posted on here before but, largely, you have been very supportive so thanks!
Snotty; your points are obviously very subjective and you are more than entitled to your OPINION, however, please do not feel the need to force this on others. I did enjoy growing up with siblings but my cousins fought like animals their entire upbringing which drove my aunt and uncle crazy. To presume having siblings is always rosy and that they will inevitably be best buddies is just plain ignorant. My son is at a wonderful child minder with 3 other kids similar in age who he socialises with (and shares things with!) on a daily basis. They may not be my children but they are his friends and he learns so much from them. The other basic factors are:
a) I simply don't want one so why force myself.
b) The world is over-populated and I am a bit of a vegan hippy who thinks we need to stop having so many kids when the planet cannot handle it, however, each to their own!
c) If you're happy to have the welfare system pay for your kids or you can afford several children by working then great. My husband and I can afford one just fine but I think we'd struggle financially with two and I am not prepared to accept government handouts because I felt a bit of an urge to have a baby one evening.

To others: Thank you; I shall be having an in-depth discussion with my husband and perhaps suggest we talk again in a years' time on the subject. I know many of you think I am being selfish, however, a woman's body is not purely designed to reproduce and mine definitely did not handle it well the first time. My body is MINE and I will not be told what I should do with it by anybody.
My husband is extremely supportive and we absolutely share childcare equally and always have. I know he would step up and be the primary parent if I required this of him but I don't think there is a need for one in our situation. Will have to have a very long think... maybe a puppy would sway him?

OP posts:

Original poster

unmumsy1994 · 23/06/2016 09:28

PS I am not 21 or 22. 1994 has nothing to do with my age.

OP posts:

Bear2014 · 23/06/2016 09:38

Your kids are only 'isolated' if you make it so. Our daughter has been around other babies and children since the day she was born, we go to baby groups, classes, playdates and the playground all the time. There is never a day when we don't go anywhere. She has friends in nursery and out of nursery, and chats about them all day long. She is 2 and we are currently trying for a second (IVF) but if it doesn't work out, isolation and loneliness are not concerns of mine.

It is absolutely your body and your decision, but there's no need to decide right now, and you could look into options like shared parental leave.

snottybeammeup · 23/06/2016 10:08

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