Second Child

[unmumsy1994]

My husband and I are in disagreement about having more children. Our first was not planned, however, he is the biggest blessing and the absolute love of our lives. We are both now back at work in stable jobs and my career is going from strength-to-strength. I never wanted children and, after having a terrible pregnancy, 3 day labour and awful birth, I am not keen to have another. I obviously don't regret having our first, however, I do not suddenly feel the urge to have a house full of screaming children. One is plenty and we have been very lucky that he is a good eater, sleeper and generally a joy to be around (at the moment!).
My husband is adamant that he does not want our son to be an only child but I just cannot see any reason why I would want another. To me it seems like time I would have to take out of work, more stress, more money and tempting fate because I'm convinced this pregnancy would also be terrible and I'd go back to no sleep and permanent exhaustion. Is it fair that I think I have the final say as it is my body, not his? And is having a second child really that good anyway? PLEASE HELP!

Snotty please don't take this the wrong way, but are there any studies to support this? I am genuinely interested if there is research for and against larger family numbers.

I know people who are only children or from a family of 10 kids in one instance and pretty much everything in-between, personally I cannot see much of a reliable trend between sibling numbers and quality of life. As someone who is considering more children, something as factual as a study or research would be more beneficial than opinion and individual examples.

My DD was practically an only child for most of her childhood. DS came along when she was 13.

She tells me she loved it, always felt put first, she wasn't lonely or bored because she had friends and parents who always had time for her.

She likes having a sibling too but she doesn't feel her life would have been incomplete without one.

DS is 3.5 and I have no current plans for more so he will probably also feel like an only child at times but he spends lots of time in the company of other children his age.

OP your body is your body. It's not a baby factory. Have another child if you want one, if you don't, don't. Either way I'm sure you can manage to bring up a reasonably well adjusted human being. Plenty of people do both with or without siblings.

Snotty... if you feel your children need siblings to be happy and well adjusted then I am sorry to criticise but perhaps you should look at your own parenting?
I could argue that many parents I know had their second child as a way of entertaining their first. To me, that is simply a cop-out and is not a viable reason for having another child. My son is not lonely, he is not spoiled and he is not badly socialised. My son has an extremely supportive family of aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents and very close family friends. He is not lonely simply because we do not have another child living in the family home.
It would seem you are in fact the one being uptight because you are unwilling to accept that your point of view may not be applicable to every situation. If you feel your children would be lonely without their siblings then you are entitled to feel that way but do not presume others have to share that feeling. I have known some terribly socialised adults who had siblings and I have known some wonderful, selfless and successful adults who have been only children. There is something called BALANCE and one size does not fit all. By all means, pop out as many siblings for your kids as you want but do not expect me to do the same. Studies suggest pets can actually provide a similar benefit to having siblings in terms of emotional development and I think our cat is doing a great job!

I am an only child. I hated it. I got lots of presents when it was Christmas, and had family living very close by, but it is not the same as having a brother or sister. I understand that there are a lot of siblings that dont get on with each other, however I would have loved someone to share the pressure of being the sole focus of my parents attention. Plus in times of trouble there was no one, just myself. I compare myself to my dh who has lots of siblings, and I am frankly envious.

i am an old mother and considered myself to be incredibly fortunate to have ONE child. We went on to have another because I was determined that my child would not be alone and it was the best this we did. I think this is very beneficial for both children.

However it is your choice to have another. Its not about whether you want to give your ds a brother or sister, its about what you want or don't want. Your ds will not know any better if you don't. But yes, it is in my opinion beneficial.

This might be a bit radical for you snotty, bear with me, but perhaps what's best for you/your family is not best for everyone else's? Shocker!

Happiness - no difference between only children and those with siblings:

link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10902-007-9083-0

Self-concept - no difference between only children and those with siblings (study done in China)

www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00223980.1992.10543374#/doi/abs/10.1080/00223980.1992.10543374

Its an old study - If you scroll down to the abstract this suggest some differences - female only children more likely to have small families, more likely to be working and to have planned families before marriage. I'm guessing a new look at this might show some changes.

www.jstor.org/stable/583722?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents

I was all set to just have one child until a friend said they will never have nieces or nephews ie be an aunt or uncle.

Not sure this is a big deal tbh. I have an only, am an only, both my parents are onlies so technically no aunts, uncles or cousins, nieces or nephews.

What I have though is at least five people who are friends or more distant relatives of my parents who I call aunt or uncle and know I could call any time of day or night if I needed anything and at least three people my age (some distantly related, one a child of my god parents and one just my lifelong friend since we moved next door to her when I was two) that I could do the same with. That's more than some people with close blood relatives including siblings probably have.

There are also three children who I consider nieces/nephews, two are my SIL kids - frankly I've never understood the obsession with technical nieces or nephews. I see as much of them and love them just as much as my husband does. The third is the son of the distant cousin mentioned above. He calls me auntie, and I'm pretty sure my experience of him is just as good as any actual blood auntie gets.

I have 3 kids.

They are company for each other, that's true.

But I don't have 3xtime 3xenergy.

They get less from me individually.

There is a type of freedom a family of parents + 1 child can have that is not possible for a family of 5. We are a big group now. And more than half of us are bonkers!

Two of my best friends have onlies. I didn't realise the advantages of having only one until it was too late.

No regrets or anything, life is fun. But every decision in life is another chouce not made.

Having only one child is an opportunity to be a small, spontaneous family that can do a lot of really cool stuff and spend lots of time (and money maybe) on your child

That's a good life.

Definitely do not put yourself through a pregnancy you don't want for a child you don't want.

Don't even put off tge decision, if you're sure.

Enjoy your child growing in independence moving on from the baby stage :)

Seems positive OP, that you've decided to hold off for now. Don't fear a bad time necessarily, though, with second pregnancy and birth, though, ime they were so different (second much easier to enjoy for many reasons) but with a 4 year gap. No way was I ready at 15 months to even contemplate the idea. Would have been wrong for our situation, moving abroad at the time and may be my temperament/parenting style wasn't right for a small age gap? Totally understand about your feelings wrt your body being central to all this and you probably need to be back with 'your' body fully before you know what you want. The time that takes varies so much.

I am an only child and I love it. Having a sibling is not the be all and end all. As with everything there are positives and negatives but you must do what is right for your life and circumstances.

The person who doesn't want another child gets the final say, whether they'd be the one carrying it or not. That said, the veto-er also has to accept the possibility that the other person might put the desire for more children ahead of the desire to preserve the relationship.

I think it's good that you've decided to hold off before deciding though OP. Fifteen months is very soon. I ended up with not much more than a two year gap, but the thought of getting pregnant again when my oldest was 15 months filled me with horror. It is very hard work having multiple small children and it would be a pretty awful thing to have to do if you didn't want to. Mine are preschool so it may change later, and they do entertain each other which is nice, but the grunt work involved with two is a lot more than with one.

I was I the same position as you OP, my DD was not planned and though I love her to bits I said after she was born that I didn't want to do that again! Of course every one said I would change my mind but I never did. What really made it clear to me I had made the right decision was when dd was 3 and there were things going on in then DHs life that meant it was difficult to say no to him so I agreed to try for another, I lasted about a week. Then I thought I might be pregnant, waiting for the test to show I was so desparate for it to be negative I knew it couldn't be right for me to have another DC.
When she was about 7 DDs friends Mum had a baby and DD wanted a sibling, then the baby turned into a toddler and was annoying and she changed her mind! She is now grown up and I don't think she has missed not having a sibling.
To put yourself through pregnancy I think you really need to want another child, don't do it unless it is right for you.

Bloody hell Snotty your posts are unbelievably cruel

I have one girl and health reasons prevent me from having any more.

Asshole posts.

My mother is 75. Her mother chose to have only one child. (She didn't actually Want any ) My GF died in 1959. My GM died in 1979. My mother has been 'alone' since then. It's her greatest regret in life, never to have had a sibling. She had a very privileged up bringing with every material things that money could buy as her father adored her. Her mother was fine, just disinterested in children. Much better when she had grown up...She would have given it all up for a sibling. She married my father , one of nine , in an effort to create a missing family.. but it's not the same. Please consider you child a d their future life (long after you have died) as well as your own feelings. This DDecision does not just effect you and your dh. The one it will have the longest most profound affect on is your dc.

The choice of how many children one has is really individual and I'd never be disrespectful to others for that choice.

I personally didn't want just one child. I know many only children who are absolutely fine and don't think it's isolating them.

I do look at those only children with elderly parents though and realise they have nobody to share the burden of sick or ill relatives with. All the stress is on them alone.

My friend and her DH wanted to emigrate to Australia, but because he's an only child, he didn't want to be so far from his old folks.

Of course one cannot know what the future holds, so decide for today.

You could just wait a year and re-evaluate? But, you don't say your age, and therefore, we don't know how much time you have to play with.

I have 2 kids, that are only 19 months apart in age. Boy (19) and Girl (almost 18). I am sure that my life would have been harder with one, because they played together when growing up, and holidays were definitely easier, as they had each other as companions.

Now that they are adults, they are much closer than I could have imagined. My son has left home (for Uni) and my daughter regularly travels and meets him for lunch. They are supportive of one another, in many ways.

I am very glad, that when I am no longer here, that they will have one another, because in my experience, blood is thicker than water.

I have had friends come and go in my life. I've been shat on by so called friends. My BF even slept with my then Husband! I've been cheated on by a husband (now an Ex). How many times has my sister shat on me? NEVER. There are 3 women, who I could trust with my life: my Mum, my Sister and my Daughter. And only one of them is on my generational level.

But, you can't force yourself to have a baby, if you really don't want one. But I am very happy that my children have a sibling, and very grateful for my sister.

My BIL is an only child and he HATES it. So much so that he says he will never inflict that one their DD, who was conceived by IVF, and therefore they are in the process of adopting.

But obviously there will be many that are ok with it.

Marilyn - I am sorry that your DM feels unhappy that she is an 'only' child but not all 'only' children feel like that.

My DM (mid 80s) is also an only child - she has a huge (and I mean huge ) circle of friends, she has an extremely active social life, she says she always loved being an only child.

Neither DH nor I see much of our siblings, although we both have them, there is no guarantee in life that you will 'get on' with your siblings. And it doesn't necessarily follow that siblings will share care of elderly relatives - yes, in an ideal world, but sometimes it can cause even more problems when siblings argue over how their elderly parents should be cared for - or get bitter over 'inheritance' expectations.

I do look at those only children with elderly parents though and realise they have nobody to share the burden of sick or ill relatives with. All the stress is on them alone.

This isn't my experience of it though - my parents have both been through this already (and each of them had a parent who was an only as well) and I'm now heading into that territory in the next few years. I have got people to share it with - DH, my close friends, those I'm so close to I consider them family as in my earlier post.

If you have no sibling to look after your elderly parents of course you have no choice but to do it alone, but a burden shared is certainly a burden halved. Or even just having another sibling to talk it over with.

I'm one of 4 and if I had to do all the parental stuff alone I'd be run ragged.

That's my family though and I appreciate one could have 4 kids and they all turn out unhelpful, so there's never a guarantee, though upbringing has a lot to do with it.

Ooh OP, I'm a vegan hippy too! Stopped at two partly for eco reasons. I think two is fine - one to replace me, one to replace DH! :)

Come join www.facebook.com/groups/270959229775655/ if you haven't already!

With both of my in-laws I was the carer. DH and his DSIS did fuck all as they worked away. That doesn't fit into the theory.

why is it that the decision not to have children is not respected in the same way it is when someone does?

If it isn't the cliched insults that people come out with then it's your GP telling you you're 'not allowed' to get sterilized on the NHS until you're past 35!!!! Apparently having an XX chromosome means that our reproductive systems are the property of the system/patriarchy......unless you're made of money in which case you can go private or hire others to do the job for you. Denying us full autonomy over our bodies and leaving the door 'open' is just another way to manipulate us into 'knowing our place'.

i'm of a similar mindset to you OP. I knew when i was 10 yrs old that i didn't want to get 'married' and i didn't want kids. 15 years later i haven't changed my mind.

I won't have a child unless I desire one. I won't compromise for my partners sake, no matter how much they might pull their weight it just doesn't compare to the impact it has on the woman and her life.

I love my life and there's so much more that i desire. I don't want to compromise on that for a child i conceive out of 'duty'. I also don't want to risk my life for something that i don't want 100%.

The decision to have children is a purely 'selfish' one. Your dh has had his desire fulfilled with one healthy child.....by you taking on and making the 'bigger' sacrifice. In my opinion he just needs to respect and accept that you don't want any more dc. If i were in your shoes OP i would be making it clear this isn't up for discussion. In fact, i would have discussed it before having dc and made my position very clear.
Using your love and child to manipulate your emotions into having another to appease him is awful.

If you don't want any more dc then you need to take control of that to ensure it doesn't happen.

My (only) child lives in the same street as her cousins, about 6 doors down.

#justsayin

With both of my in-laws I was the carer. DH and his DSIS did fuck all as they worked away. That doesn't fit into the theory.

You must have been willing and able to take on the carer role.

If you didn't do it what would they have done? Put them in a home? Sounds like they took advantage of your good nature.

I do find that men can often expect their wives to care for their parents, when they'd never do it themselves. Talk less of care for your parents.

Having spent a good part of the late afternoon/early evening trying to stop my two grandsons killing each other I think they are a great advert for only children. They are both lovely if they come here without their brother but together they are monsters and hate each other with a passion. There is nothing they agree on and if they are just insulting each other it is a good day. I am hopeful that I will live long enough to find out they get on great as adults but I'm not holding my breath.