Sadly familiar story

[Sammyhb]

So it's a familiar story, husband has just told me he doesnt have romantic feelings for me any more, been together 15 years, married for 5, 2dc aged 7 and 5.

Just looking for some advice on how to tell the kids, what to do next? He's not abusive, we get on as friends, he just acts like a child. I asked him to leave but he goes very whiny and asks me why I'm being mean to him if I get angry, I mean wtf?

Haven't told any friends or family yet.
We nearly split up in 2014 due to him smoking too much weed and turning into a megalomaniac when his business took off (I was a SAHM for two years which caused a massive imbalance in our relationship). It came to a head when I had to have two emergency ops in six months and he was absolutely crap at supporting me and told me he had feelings for someone at work.

I saw a solicitor then but he stopped smoking completely and we went to counselling. Seemed to sort lots of things out and did lots of great things last year (Road trip across Europe with the kids, lovely Christmas etc).

He's just told me he doesnt have any intense feelings for me and hes attracted to other people which he doesnt feel is right. He never had a long term relationship before me and he's 40 this year so might be a mid life crisis but just don't have any more energy left to deal with him being such an irritating twat. The kids adore him though, not sure how to do this calmly and amicably, just want to take a crowbar to his face at the moment

Feeling very tearful tonight, just thinking about all the little rituals we have after all these years. Even though I know in the long run, life without him will be easier, in the short term him just being around is comforting weirdly. I know he's put me through a lot but we've had some great times together. If he came home and said he'd changed his mind I feel very vulnerable to listening to him at the moment. All those years, what a waste

Oh Sammy, sorry to read that your feeling like this. I suppose your going to have good and bad days.

I understand about how you feel reflecting on your relationship. I got all my old diaries out the other day and reading them just made me a right mess.

What a waste.... I know exactly what you mean , big hugs

Thankyou for being kind. Have told my boss now and my assistant and my group Scout Leader as run a Beaver Scouts Colony so it's slowly coming out. They've all been so nice and it's good to get it out.

How are you feeling today? Have you had any more thoughts on what you will do next?

No problem Sammy

Today has felt like a nothing day. Didn't sleep well last night, last time I looked at the clock it was 02:00am and I was awake by 04:00 am. Not eating correctly either, have lost a stone in weight.

How are you eating and sleeping?

Nooo! A stone wow. Have you got that tense feeling all the time? My stomach is churning but I'm trying to eat healthy. When I was away last weekend it was all crisps and chocolate but I've been OK this week and still eating healthyish. You need to focus on you hun and what you want, including food, just eat whatever you most want, you have to keep your strength up. I've had some crazy dreams but I'm exhausted by the time I get to bed so been out for the count most nights. Sometimes I get that stomach churny feeling at bedtime and I just go over and over it in my head...

Oh Sammyhb

Hi Sammy, how are you today x

Feeling very strange, he left yesterday but came back this morning to take the kids to their swimming lessons and stayed for lunch then left again. I made sure I went out, can't even look at him I'm so angry/annoyed/sad.

Felt elated on Thursday as the solicitor was awesome, she said the house is basically mine now and I should.make sure he takes the kids away from the house when he sees them as he has no right to come in unless I invite him. I felt so empowered after seeing her. However obviously that went down like a lead balloon with him.

I recorded the conversation we had about it so I can email that to my solicitor. He told the kids this morning that he was still going to see them the same amount but wouldn't be around at night time. They were not at all bothered although my eldest asked when he was coming back after he'd left and I said they would see him tomorrow (he's coming for Sunday dinner as it's what we usually do and then he's looking after them while I go to choir practice).

I feel very sad that hes gone but also a great sense of relief that I don't have to pretend I'm OK anymore. The kids haven't been that affected today because they don't see him much anyway really and I can finally relax in my own house.

Solicitor says I can change the locks so the next stage is enforcing that this isn't his house, really irritated by him coming round today and putting his washing on, making a general mess as usual.

Sorry for long post. How are things with you User?

Hi Sammy, pleased that you have posted an update.

Sounds as though you have a huge array of emotions going on at the moment.

I understand what you mean about just looking at him and all those feelings you feel.

Good news from your solicitor though and yes, you can start seeing the house as your house with him just being someone who has to pop by. Think you have made some good leaps over the last few days.

Thanks for asking but I've had a bad few days and been very upset however I have been on my period ( sorry ) this week and think that's contributed.

xx

Sorry to hear you've been feeling so down. Massive hugs to you

Hi Sammy,

How is everything with you x

Yes we're OK, been to the school fete this afternoon and it was hard looking at the families with two parents and feeling envious. Don't know why as H would always be so petulant and grumpy at these sorts of things if he did come.

So far he has been turning up to see the children when required but I still find it very hard to be around him. Eldest son asked if H was still going to be his dad but not upset, just resigned. I've been going for the truth when answering all questions, age appropriate obvs "dad doesn't want to be married any more and I'm a bit sad"

Generally though I feel much relief still that hes not here making me feel awful. How has your week been? Feeling any better?

Hi Sammy,

I know what you mean about looking at and being amongst families who seem to have it all and in your own world that has all been taken away. Hard to swallow.

Answering questions from your little ones must be tricky at times and hard for you to hold it all together.

Yes, I suppose him not being around let's you 'get on'.

I've had an ok week. Have been to see a solicitor today, she told me mostly what I knew. With not being married he has every right to be here, cannot change the locks, not entitled to any of his pensions, all sounded pretty bleak.

If I wanted to make a court order for myself and children to stay in the house until they were 18 years old it would cost me approx £6000 in fees! and not very likely for it to be granted :-(

If we were to sell the house, which I don't want to do, a 50% split would be about £120000 each after we have paid solicitor, selling fees e.t.c . We would also have to use our savings to pay off what we owe.

We only have 2 years left on the mortgage and if we were to keep paying until then that figure would become £ 130000 and not lose any of our savings.

I'm going to ask him to move out and then once the mortgage is paid (2 years ) either I buy him out or sell the property. Think this is reasonable, may need to go to mediation though as I know he will dig his heels in.

He has the other woman's house to go to, I don't have anywhere to go and solicitor advised me NOT to move out, it would not go in my favour

Sorry for going on!!! xxx

Wow, that must be hard to hear that after 23 years you aren't entitled to ask him to go. It sounds like you have a plan sorted out though, keep me posted on how it goes discussing with him.

We have to go to mediation too, as it's a legal requirement for divorce to show that you have at least tried. My solicitor thinks H will be manipulative and dishonest as she's heard the recording I made.

How are you children bearing up?

So much of this mirrors my life 7 months ago. I still have moments where I feel very sad, but I love not being judged and no more big petulant baby in the house.

Amazon has lots of secondhand self-help recovery books, with useful reviews so you can find ones for your situation. (My STBXH was passive agressive and I felt guilty all the time). I also went to counselling for around 10 weeks.

Continue to take care of yourself and your DCs

Thanks Sammy, yes, it was all hard to hear. So frustrating!!

Think my plan is reasonable however don't think he will see it that way. Solicitors so expensive, mediation will be the cheaper option and he should really pay half for the sessions.

As it stands Children are still unaware of what's going on. I think it'll be good to get 'what's what ' done first, then I'll know what's ahead of us. And we've got this holiday due!!

Will definitely keep you posted, when do you go away Sammy? x

Lilacpink , hope your feeling a bit better 7 months on .

I need a book for my holiday,
Going to have a search on google x

Lilac it's always great to hear from those who have come through some of the worst. I am so sad some days, remembering good times is worse as it makes you question whether they were lying to you then or not. At Christmas he spent a lot of money on me, more than I was expecting and at the time I was pleasantly surprised but now I can't help wondering what he was feeling guilty about.

User, it must be so hard keeping a brave face on in front of your dcs. When you are able to tell them and others it will make it.much easier for you I think.

We are going away in late August but my parents are visiting next weekend so I can go on a night out with some friends (very few friends know as I feel ashamed I let this happen, although I know they would be on my side if I told them)

I think it's going to be after the holiday that I tell the children and my mum.

Children aren't aware because Daddy has been here in the mornings as usual and he will come home as they are getting into bed which once he has said goodnight he gets 'spruced up' and goes out to her house, sometimes they're still awake when he goes sometimes asleep. It's costing him a fortune in petrol!! Going back and forth all the time . I know where she lives.

Tough times ahead for my children. Feel so very sad for them.

Sammy, I hope you have an enjoyable time when you go out and I completely understand about what you mean about feeling ashamed even though you shouldn't do

Have you read the chump lady book user? I found it on amazon, it's so funny and gives you advice on how to approach a partner who is cheating. If you like her fb page you get regular updates too. It gives advice on how to talk to children about it and how to move things forward. Shattered so off to bed now, hope you are OK, hugs

Ok Sammy.

I'm ok, thanks, will have a look at chump lady. Keep your chin up,

Night

Hi Sammy,

How's your week been? Have been thinking of you, x

Still finding it tough here user, fine ish when he's not here, when I have to see him not so good. Going on a big girls night out tomorrow (my parents are visiting to watch the kids) so I'll either have a fantastic night and forget all my woes or have two drinks and start crying.

How are you?

I hope you are not cooking him dinner or having him over. Doorstep handovers only now. He can cook his own food in his own house.

I am sure you will have a great night out and it will do you the world of good.

He says he is still living at his office (although he's very chipper and well presented still when he comes round). I considered having him followed because I don't really trust him but then I thought I should save my money.

We've agreed he will come round every other Sunday and I will cook and the alternate Sundays he will take the kids out for Sunday lunch. Its hard because the kids have a really busy week and want to just watch cartoons in their pyjamas on Saturday mornings so they would be fed up to have to go out. I just make myself scare when he is here. I cook on Sundays because I always have and it's what the kids are used to.

oh dear - well you need to stop doing that straight away. It is confusing for them and he does not live with you any more. He picks up the children on the doorstep and takes them away for contact. The normal is EOW and one night in the week.