Sadly familiar story

[Sammyhb]

So it's a familiar story, husband has just told me he doesnt have romantic feelings for me any more, been together 15 years, married for 5, 2dc aged 7 and 5.

Just looking for some advice on how to tell the kids, what to do next? He's not abusive, we get on as friends, he just acts like a child. I asked him to leave but he goes very whiny and asks me why I'm being mean to him if I get angry, I mean wtf?

Haven't told any friends or family yet.
We nearly split up in 2014 due to him smoking too much weed and turning into a megalomaniac when his business took off (I was a SAHM for two years which caused a massive imbalance in our relationship). It came to a head when I had to have two emergency ops in six months and he was absolutely crap at supporting me and told me he had feelings for someone at work.

I saw a solicitor then but he stopped smoking completely and we went to counselling. Seemed to sort lots of things out and did lots of great things last year (Road trip across Europe with the kids, lovely Christmas etc).

He's just told me he doesnt have any intense feelings for me and hes attracted to other people which he doesnt feel is right. He never had a long term relationship before me and he's 40 this year so might be a mid life crisis but just don't have any more energy left to deal with him being such an irritating twat. The kids adore him though, not sure how to do this calmly and amicably, just want to take a crowbar to his face at the moment

Not too bad Santanabinlorry, how's your day been?

OK so yesterday was awful. Thought he would be out late but he came home early and told him what I want (stay in the house with the kids for two years until we can get divorced, if either of us meets someone before then we can divorce the other on the grounds of adultery. We need to draw up a separation agreement with what childcare arrangements will be).

All going well until I said I wanted definite times for him to look after the kids as I don't want him just strolling in at any time. He said I was coming across as aggressive and why was I angry? It's so hard to keep it civil, I can't believe he can be so detached from what is happening. He then made dinner and we watched TV together as if everything was normal.

I feel like I'm in some strange kind of limbo land where I want him gone from here but the thought of sitting on my own every night thinking about all this fills me with dread and fear. I've told my sister and my mum but they are miles away from here. They want to come and help/visit but I haven't even told the kids yet so I can't have them here yet. If you are still reading thankyou.

I stay in the house with the kids and he moves out for two years.

I'm interested that he'd suggested 50% of the child access. From what I read on here, that's the magic number where they don't have to pay you any child maintenance.

And you don't say whether you took a financial hit when you had children, or your respective salaries, etc are now, but my gut is screaming "Lawyer up NOW". Don't wait two years, etc.

Oh yeah I earned more than he did and had a steady income before we had kids. Hes always run his own business but only recently been making money. I'm not sure how 50% of childcare would work for him as he works long hours, which is why I gave up my career. Hes saying he will continue the current arrangements for maintenance ie he still pays the mortgage but don't trust him hence separation agreement.

I really want out now too but if I don't stay calm he will say I am being unreasonable, vindictive etc. How can I vent these angry feeling without it descending into a horrible mess?

Why do you have to wait two years? File now for unreasonable behaviour. The courts are very relaxed about interpreting that widely in fact my friends abusive ex filed for divorce and under "grounds" he wrote a long rant about how bad she was at packing the car when they went on trios and how it took her ages to get their 3 kids ready! Your husband's behaviour is very unreasonable so your grounds are clear. In our experience (me versus my friend) you're better off being the one who files. Her ex dicked around a lot after he filed, whereas I filed first and had more control of the process.

Sammyhb I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Easy for me to say years down the line but you will get through this if you stay positive again easy for me to say but I have been here. We have to go through the heartache to come out the other side and soooooo much better for it. I know it's not what you want to hear I didn't either but I can see why we have to now. To grow and become stronger.
This man is not your best friend and one day you will see why.
I can't tell you what to do only what I wished I had. I stayed in the house and it started off amicable. Maintenance, childcare etc. He met someone else slowly it started to change and I can't begin to tell you how difficult it got. I'm (kind of) ok now as I went back to school and have a career path and able to pay the mortgage. During study/work to get here I have had absolutely no support from him. When it comes to school activities, after school activities, concerts, parents evening, taxi driver, nurse, homework, nightmares I'm there and he totally isn't. My girls are my number one and I wouldn't have it any other way but try to work /study it's difficult emotionally and financially. Sorry for going on but I so wish now I'd not trusted him. I wish I'd moved out and left him with the house and the struggles it has given me and then every thing i mentitled above would of been easier, not having financial difficulties thrown in. I wish I divorced and sorted the finances at the beginning. If he own his own business go to citizens advice and ask where you stand for maintenance.
Please don't take this message as being negative. I read your message and feel for you. Be strong from the start. Seek legal advice. Try not to focus on lonely nights as your DD's will get you through this. Also being on your own is so much better than being with someone and feeling lonely.
Sorry for long post

OK, thankyou. I've already got a solicitor from last time so I'll make an appt with her next week. My husband is very good at telling me how unreasonable I am and how I need to talk to him, I have to keep repeating "this is not your fault" to myself....

Can't wait for this to be over

Also put the clause about adultery in as fully expect he is seeing someone else in which case it is very clear

Thanks gemsangels it's good to hear someone who has been through it and survived. I suspect what you are saying also applies to my husband, I always look for the best in people and expect them to b nice which is why it's taken me so long to get to this point. I need to get proactive and stay focused and angry. All I want to do today is cry.

Yes, I didn't want my message to come across negative just wanted you to be strong in your actions as people change. Not saying he won't be amicable but always do what's best for you and your dd's. Be strong! If you need a cry have a good cry. Bless you I completely understand. Look after you!
Postrich on here it helped alot on my lonely evings. There are some lovely people on here with some great comforting advice.
At one point my ex stopped my maintenance and I was scraping for uniform. I posted on here for advice on if I should sell my house and people were offering to send me uniforms for my dd's. Now how beautiful is that?! I cried that day and learnt another lesson. There are beautiful hearts in this world
Good people around you get you through the bad days.
I know I'm completely babbling but I read your post and my heart sank. Huge hug lovely

If he has his own business, you'd better get as much evidence of financials as you can get your hands on. These guys love hiding their assets and suddenly "earning less" when it comes to stumping up what they owe.

The good news is you're ahead of the game, if I'm reading right? He thinks you're ok with his "wait 2 years" plan, so you get to surprise him with your new plan.

Why not spend some time this weekend starting your unreasonable behaviour arguments and digging through paperwork. It'll help you stay angry and focussed, which is a lot better than weepy!

And, btw, I know it's easier said than done, nut you have to stop worrying about what he thinks of you. You can't control this, so don't even try. Or, look at it like this, would you rather he think you're

• an unreasonable bitch [who got what you are entitled to, to protect your children] or
• a mug.

Because it's going to come down to one or the other.

By "starting ... arguments" I meant "drafting" and time lining, not actually starting arguments with STBX. Damned autocorrect.

Great advice ladies thankyou. I'm away this weekend with a choir I sing with so he's got the kids all day and all night. Really needed the headspace so I've got some time to consider everything. I need to be in control of this yes and let go of caring what he thinks. 15 year habits are hard to break

He had already started on the "my business is in trouble" stories so I really need to think about it this..

Mine was a cocklodger, and wanted us to use 2 year divorce by consent. Our DC were grown. I thought for a bit (and MNd!) and saw that as another 2 years cocklodging.

Filed for divorce asap.

Do get hold of all the financial stuff you can. He will need to provide financial disclosure eventually, this can then be checked against your own info.

What's a Cocklodger thesilverypussycat? [

A bloke who, basically, lives off the woman he lives with. Yours sounds like he at least pays his way - so just drawing attention to this difference in our situations.

(To elaborate a bit: At the time we divorced, Ex had a small ebay business which he ran from home (far from enough for him to move out on), I was on the sick, and we jointly owned our home and money that originally came from my DF. Hence the 2 years would have been (mostly) funded by me anyway, so divorce asap was a no-brainer really.)

*funded by me... insofar as part of house, and the money, had come from my family. Ex seemed quite happy to live off it while working v little himself - thus proving himself not to be the man I thought he was

Hello sammyhb,

I started a new thread in here called having his cake and eating it, sounds like we are in a similar situation.

It's so hard isn't it. I have absolutely no one who I can confide in that's why I posted on here.

Will watch your post and hopefully find some of the replies useful to me too. I hope this is ok with you?

Can't believe he wants to throw away his family :-(

xxxx

He has provided money so far but not sure how long this will last. I don't trust him due to him making lots of promises and then not keeping them wrt plans for the future, things that are important to me. He used to say everything he did was to make me and the kids happy, clearly that was bollocks

Of course, welcome to my thread

I've now told my sister and my mum and even though they are miles away it helps that they are on my side. Are you sure there isn't anyone that you could tell?

Thanks Sammyhb for welcoming me.
No, I have no one I can trust enough to share anything.

My mum is 80 and I just don't want to put this on her. She doesn't deserve it. There probably will come a time that I'll HAVE to tell her so not saying anything until that time comes.

Thanks again x

Are you trying to work it out or is it definitely over for you?

My mum told me I need to tell him I'm hurt rather than angry as that will get better results. Not sure about that. My sister told me it's fine to be angry....

Thanks for asking. Don't feel as though I should take over your thread with my unhappiness however if you look in my thread that will explain everything x

I'm always suggesting ChumpLady.com, and now is no suggestion. Whether ofnor DH is cheating (and he probably is), her advice is good when dealing with entitled assholes in general.

The one screaming out at me now is that if a guy on the street punched you in the gut, wouldn't go running back to him and ask him to make you feel better, would you? So stop doing that with STBX. From now on (or after you file and serve, if you don't want to tip your hand), you discuss only practical matters, and preferably through some written medium.

This guy has said, loud and clear via his actions, that he's not on your side. So he doesn't get to hear about how hurt he's made you.

At very least, you have to mentally disengage.