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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sadly familiar story

129 replies

Sammyhb · 21/06/2016 13:57

So it's a familiar story, husband has just told me he doesnt have romantic feelings for me any more, been together 15 years, married for 5, 2dc aged 7 and 5.

Just looking for some advice on how to tell the kids, what to do next? He's not abusive, we get on as friends, he just acts like a child. I asked him to leave but he goes very whiny and asks me why I'm being mean to him if I get angry, I mean wtf?

Haven't told any friends or family yet.
We nearly split up in 2014 due to him smoking too much weed and turning into a megalomaniac when his business took off (I was a SAHM for two years which caused a massive imbalance in our relationship). It came to a head when I had to have two emergency ops in six months and he was absolutely crap at supporting me and told me he had feelings for someone at work.

I saw a solicitor then but he stopped smoking completely and we went to counselling. Seemed to sort lots of things out and did lots of great things last year (Road trip across Europe with the kids, lovely Christmas etc).

He's just told me he doesnt have any intense feelings for me and hes attracted to other people which he doesnt feel is right. He never had a long term relationship before me and he's 40 this year so might be a mid life crisis but just don't have any more energy left to deal with him being such an irritating twat. The kids adore him though, not sure how to do this calmly and amicably, just want to take a crowbar to his face at the moment

OP posts:
PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 26/06/2016 06:41

Suggestion = exception. >Sigh<

Going back to bed.

Original poster
Sammyhb · 26/06/2016 09:41

Just looked at chumplady.com, it's great, thanks for recommending. It feels good to laugh 😁

OP posts:
Original poster
Sammyhb · 27/06/2016 06:25

So last night we had another talk, initiated by me, about what is going to happen. I was being calm and strong until he said hes not going to move out now, he wants to stay in the house, although he has left the relationship. I ended up telling I will leave if he doesn't and will take the kids with me. I'm going to meet with my solicitor this week and get advice. Feel broken.

OP posts:
LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 27/06/2016 06:41

Don't leave with the kids. File for divorce and that will start the process of getting him out.
And don't expect him to be reasonable Flowers

Original poster
Sammyhb · 27/06/2016 06:48

Thankyou, needed to hear that. Don't want to have to take the kids anywhere, they will be so upset.

OP posts:
Dontanalyseit · 27/06/2016 06:55

I'm not sure why you are waiting 2 years to divorce? Get advice but I think that's risky. The biggest regret I have is that when my relationship broke down I didn't divorce him straight away. He stayed in the house for some time too and that was a mistake. Don't be too accommodating like I was. It just prolongs things and makes them feel like they can call the shots.

Things were relatively amicable when we first broke up but he didn't want me to get legal advice and he tried to get me to agree to a separation agreement. My solicitor said don't bother. Anyway for various reasons things kicked off big time and the divorce was horrible. Don't trust him financially especially as he has his own business. I thought my ex was honest but he hid assets and came up with all kinds of dodgy 'evidence'.

Oh and beware of his reaction if you meet someone in the next two years.

When your marriage breaks down you just feel you have to survive. But I would say act on the legal advice (I didn't straight away,) get tough and don't trust him.

Dontanalyseit · 27/06/2016 06:56

Agree, do not leave with the kids.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 27/06/2016 07:35

And I hope you're not lifting one atom of one finger doing anything for him. No food, no laundry, sure as feck no nookie.

Get angry. Stay angry.

Original poster
Sammyhb · 27/06/2016 08:54

I already know he isn't honest and I expect him to be playing mindgames as that's what our relationship was like. Got the chump lady book and he is coming our with almost all of the shit cheaters say, even though I don't know he has cheated for sure. What an arse.

Once again though ladies you are there holding my hand and you've been through it and survived so I can do this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sammyhb · 27/06/2016 09:20

Solicitors appt booked for Thursday

OP posts:
user1466803045 · 27/06/2016 21:45

Hi Sammy,

Good step ahead with your Solicitors appt booked for Thursday.

I' m similar, I do not want to leave the house I'm living in but with not being married I cannot change the locks and he has every right to be here as I do, and with the equity we have in the house, a new house wouldn't be half as nice :-( thinking of this house as my house and he is just some kind of lodger, very frustrating !!!!!

Chin up and onwards and upwards

DrLockhart · 27/06/2016 22:03

Stay strong Sammy.

It is hard to switch the emotion off towards your H, but treat this as factually as you can.

Solicitor booked, brilliant.
Finances? Have you got your own bank account? If not, get one open.

Stand firm on him leaving the house. He's asked for this, co sharing a house isn't going to work for you. It'll be too painful for you.

Original poster
Sammyhb · 27/06/2016 23:20

Well ladies he seems to have suddenly had a personality transplant. He came home tonight very meek saying he was wrong to insist on staying here and will be moving in with his best mate who lives round the corner "for a couple of months". He said none of this is my fault - uh yeah?! - and he'll do his usual amount of childcare (takes em to school Thurs morn and swimming lessons Sat morn and the park Sat pm) Not exactly 50% childcare but at least he's got the message that he needs to fuck off somewhere else

OP posts:
Original poster
Sammyhb · 27/06/2016 23:23

But it did make me slightly suspicious, why is he being so nice all of a sudden? He doesn't want to tell anyone at work that hes living at his mates house (even though they work together) or tell the kids he's moved out until "we get into the new routine"

OP posts:
PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 27/06/2016 23:26

Well that's a result!

Of course the cynical side of me thinks he's up to something (did he mention which gender the friend is?...) But, really, this is very good for you: you need the mental space.

Hope you've been squirreling away paperwork in the meantime.

Original poster
Sammyhb · 27/06/2016 23:28

He has loads of unopened post on the side going back months so I opened it today and now have his pension info and credit card debt, plus his business owes loads in taxes. We had a conversation about finances tonight and he is fine giving me shares in the company (not sure that would work if his company is in trouble).

I have a separate bank account already that he can't access

OP posts:
Original poster
Sammyhb · 27/06/2016 23:33

His friend is male and lives with his brother so he'll be pretending he's 25 again.... None of his close friends have a wife and kids although his best friend has always been very "pro me" apparently. They are all computer geeks so not massively relaxed around grown women. Used to find that endearing. My bad.

OP posts:
PickledCauliflower · 28/06/2016 00:04

I would get legal advice regarding anything he is offering (shares, etc)
I don't have a clue on such matters, but if his business owe taxes I would let a legal person interfere in those matters..

You sound very strong and level headed. He sounds like an arsehole x

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 28/06/2016 07:29

Yeah, I'm suspicious about the shares, as well. I don't think they'll make you liable, unlessd he's also offering partnership, but at very least he's offering you xx% of nothing.

Roll on Thursday, eh?

user1466803045 · 28/06/2016 21:37

Hi Sammy, just watching call the mediator on bbc2 very ap!! x

Original poster
Sammyhb · 28/06/2016 22:21

I'll have to watch that on catch up when he's not here, thanks for the heads up Smile

OP posts:
user1466803045 · 28/06/2016 22:26

No problem Sammy. Very sad to watch but can relate to what's being said.

PattyPenguin · 28/06/2016 22:35

Sammy if you're going to apply for the single person discount on council tax, or any kind of benefit on the basis that you are no longer in a relationship, you need to get his name off anything you can. He needs to have his post delivered to his mate's house. Check this with the solicitor, but I'm sure I'm right.

Also, be very careful about accepting shares, particularly if they're likely to be worthless. Check that with the solicitor, too.

Original poster
Sammyhb · 28/06/2016 22:47

Thanks Patty I will ask, my list of questions is getting long, I'll have to talk fast when I see her....

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 28/06/2016 23:10

If you've shares you will be able to see the accounts