Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

to not offer help to a relative who has fled domestic abuse?

121 replies

OohMavis · 21/06/2016 09:56

Is it ever reasonable to say 'you're on your own' to a woman fleeing a violent relationship? That's basically my question. I'm struggling with this.

This relative has been in an abusive relationship for over fifteen years. She's left countless times (I mean countless, I can't even remember how many times) and always gone back, no matter how despicably he's treated her and their child, who is now 7.

Since she had the child, me and DH have stepped in each time she's left. Taken her from refuges and had her stay with us. Lent her money. Pleaded with our local council to house her, gave her deposit money, bought them new clothes when she's had to leave them all behind.

It's never been met with any thanks... and she inevitably goes back to him. She has a 'script' she follows - desperate call to us in the middle of the night, she's left, is leaving or has fled to a refuge because he's hit her or their child, smashed things up or threatened to kill her - can she come and stay? Then, she stays, we try to help her, and suddenly she'll be texting him and defending him whenever he comes up in conversation, going back for 'visits' and eventually returns.

The last time this happened was last year. She left our house enraged with DH because he'd told her she's ruining her child's life by going back to this man. She defended him, of course, and accused DH of causing all the misery and problems in her life (long story), and went back.

We hadn't heard from her in a year until yesterday. She's back in a refuge and wanting to make contact with us. Asked to stay this summer so she can get back on her feet. DH has refused. She's apparently devastated and told him that we're the only family she has, she's completely on her own if we don't help. DH is not considering it at all and has told her that he'll provide a listening ear but no more. No money, no place to stay, nothing. He doesn't even want them to visit.

In principle I think he's (probably?) doing the best thing, and she is his relative, but I'm struggling with not helping when the child is mixed up in this too. They are seven years old and being treated for anxiety and stress. They have experienced such a lot of misery in their short life.

When do you say enough is enough when a child is involved?

Sorry - bit of an epic novel. Didn't mean for it to be so long.

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 21/06/2016 11:18

I think you are right to keep a safe distance from this woman you wont be able to save her from her abuser however keep in contact with her maybe meet her offer support from a distance this sounds harsh but you have to protect your own family too i would make sure Ss was involved again for the childs sake though

Pinkheart5915 · 21/06/2016 11:21

It's a tough one and I can really see where your DH is coming from, you've tried to help so many times in the past and really put yourself out for nothing she goes back every time and let's him damage her child.

I personally don't think I would help yet again, but as a few pp have suggested if you are able to I would make a call to social services, or suggest she contacts them herself as they might be able to offer her help.

Original poster

OohMavis · 21/06/2016 11:25

She's incredibly mistrustful of refuges, she had an awful experience in one a few years ago (it really was awful). I think that's why her first instinct is to leave as quickly as possible and why we've been so quick to take her in. I completely agree with us being a stepping stone though, whether she means us to be or not. It's so true.

OP posts:

whois · 21/06/2016 11:27

Though it's got to the point before where she's been given permanent accommodation by the council, miles away from her partner, and she's given it all up to go back to him. Very little keeps them apart.

I just do not understand this and I don't think I ever will. How can poeple put their children in harms way like this. It is so so so sad, but it is hard to understand DV vitims going back when there are children involved. Messed. Up.

ElspethFlashman · 21/06/2016 11:29

Can you ring SS and declare yourselves willing to take in the child as he is in a refuge? In other words, rather than say it to her, say it to them? Would keep proper boundaries in place.

Also he probably has slipped off their radar. At this stage they really need to be aware of his current needs. I kinda doubt she's going to be in contact with them about him voluntarily and god knows if it's part of the refuges protocol.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/06/2016 11:30

your help, in the long run, is harmful to her

^^ This

Difficult as it is to step back, it may provide the only realistic chance of her ever getting away from him for good ... otherwise the cycle will continue, with the child becoming even more damaged

Much as we all want to help, a point comes where the person involved has to want to make a difference and enabling them to put that moment off isn't always the answer

paddypants13 · 21/06/2016 11:32

My cousin put my Df and aunts and uncles in the same position for years. Calls to pick her up, they helped her get out and she went back over and over. It broke their hearts but eventually they said no more.

She did ltb in the end and is very happily married to a wonderful man. She just needed to decide she was ready and do it. She had two very young children. Her dh got custody (long story) and made it difficult for her to see them for years. (The fucking bastarding bastard.)

I hope your family member finally gets the courage she needs.

stopitatonce · 21/06/2016 11:34

Would it be an option for you and DH and her to discuss this with her key worker, SW (or whoever is supporting her) at the refuge in a family meeting - so your DH and you could have your frustrations and concerns and boundaries listened to as well? I can understand your DH's position, but would struggle to leave a woman and child in a violent situation whatever had happened previously.

Gruach · 21/06/2016 11:37

A decent refuge is a professionally run outfit that works in conjunction with SS, police and the legal system. There should be no need whatsoever for the OP to be in separate contact with SS.

It's unfortunate that the OP's relative had a bad experience in one refuge. They're not all the same - some provide a very much more pleasant experience than others - within the context of helping women and children living through trauma and loss.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/06/2016 11:41

I'm sorry she had a bad experience in one of the refuges, but as Gruach said, I'm sure they're not all like this

I'm wondering how much of her "mistrust" is down to the actual refuges, and how much is a manipulative attempt to put it all on you instead?

shovetheholly · 21/06/2016 11:42

Gosh, what an awful situation for you.

I think your instinct that doing the same thing that has led to her return in all previous cases is spot on. What's that saying about the definition of madness being repeating the same action and expecting a different result? It might be a bit of a wakeup call if support is not forthcoming in the same way this time, and if the reasons for that are clearly spelled out. I wouldn't abandon her completely, but I wouldn't be as quick to help, but instead I'd encourage her to try to strike out on her own. Otherwise, it's like she's shuttling between two very codependent situations - the abusive one, and this family context where everything is taken care of. What she really needs to realise is her own power to take action on her own behalf.

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn · 21/06/2016 11:45

I'm with your DH. It sounds like you both ha e done so much for her, she doesn't appreciate it and the cycle keeps on going. I'm not surprised he has had enough.

I'd definitely check with SS that the child is still on their radar. They really should take the child from the mother as she clearly can't protect or put the child's need first.

snorepatrol · 21/06/2016 11:45

I'd be tempted to leave her at the refuge to be honest. Each time you take her in, her child will be slipping off the radar because she has left to go and stay in a 'safe' place I.e your house. So I imagine a busy social services department hearing she has gone to a safe environment are happy to let this happen.

Each time she goes back to her dp I imagine social services are unaware that this has happened until the next incident.

If you're thinking of the child id leave her there because if she leaves to go back to her ex again at least social services will be made aware immediately and can step in to stop this happening.

I'm not sure how refuges work but I imagine she will have access to more specialist help there than she will get with you. I think in this situation the best thing you can do for the child is leave the services available to deal with her as family intervention seems to not work.

VimFuego101 · 21/06/2016 11:50

I agree with others - the refuge is the best, safest place for her. Poor kid though, bouncing back and forth like that.

flippinada · 21/06/2016 11:55

What an awful situation. I think your DH is right though - and its not as if you're turning your backs completely.

It sounds like the refuge is the best place for them, and at least the little one will be safe there and his mum will have access to help.

MrsJayy · 21/06/2016 11:57

Thing is by coming to yours it is just giving her time to heal well put a plaster on really then go back as others have said she is safer in the refuge they are better equipped tohelp her child and her

StarfishandToffee · 21/06/2016 11:57

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

MrsJayy · 21/06/2016 12:00

As a child growing up witnessing DV hiding away isnt the best option because sadly they sometimes never leave

Just5minswithDacre · 21/06/2016 12:01

Miles away from her partner of 15 years presumably meaning miles away from everything and everyone she knows?

It's not easy for a frightened and severely traumatised person to start from scratch with little money and no support system.

I may be making the wrong inference, but I'm also guessing that she's a generation older than you and your DH? That only makes it harder.

She sounds very panic driven.

Would outlining your reasons for maintaining a distance but saying you hope to be more involved in time if she stays away from him and perhaps offering to pay for some really good ongoing counselling be an option?

Just5minswithDacre · 21/06/2016 12:02

I think it IS important to signal support and show that you, and particularly your DH do care, albeit at arms length.

fusionconfusion · 21/06/2016 12:02

Given the context your help isn't helping... We can really only judge how effective an action is by its outcome.. And despite all your intentions of care and compassion what has been happening between you is maintaining the dysfunction, not moving this family forward. So stopping that may be a greater kindness. If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got. This is as true for you as for her.

MrsJayy · 21/06/2016 12:05

Absolutely show you care it just sounds so difficult for everybody

PovertyPain · 21/06/2016 12:09

My sil was doing the same thing for years, until the rest of the family said, enough is enough and left her to it. They are a very close, supportive family and kept her in their lives, but refused to get involved in the relationship, have anything to do with him or take her in again. She left him after a year of this tough love and hasn't went back. I think, in her case, the realisation that she didn't have a safe bolt hole to go to, to recharge her batteries and have him playing the wounded victim, and pleading with her to take him back, made her wise up. Thankfully there were no children involved.

TheGeorgina · 21/06/2016 12:13

I think your husband is right to draw some boundaries....you have been immensely kind and supportive in the past to no avail and she is now safe and in the hands of professionals who can properly advise her. However, once the dust has settled in a week or two I would offer to take them out occasionally - but I would not offer cash etc....tough love sounds like what she needs right now, and a period of reflection about her own contribution to this difficult situation. But don't abandon her or her child....

Original poster

OohMavis · 21/06/2016 12:15

I may be making the wrong inference, but I'm also guessing that she's a generation older than you and your DH?

You're correct. There's an awful lot of context I've left out because it's awfully identifying, but I think the fact she's quite a bit older than us plays a part in how things have gone over the years. It's a strange situation and I feel desperately sorry for DH.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5