Bad Sex

[StyleItOut]

I would really welcome some advice.

I've been with DH for 15 years and we had a good sex life to begin with but it's been going downhill for a long time. My DH often initiates sex in the middle of the night and while I used to enjoy these sleepy sessions when the kids were babies as it was an easy way to reconnect, over the past couple of years they've morphed so the sex is now him doing it to me. He'll cuddle up to my in spoons and with no foreplay have sex with me until he cums. He might touch my boobs, but otherwise he doesn't kiss, touch or speak to me until he's finished when he turns over and goes to sleep. I generally wont have moved at all. It's shit. I don't feel part of it at all, there's absolutely no concern for my pleasure or whether I'm ready.

I don't know why I don't stop him if I don't want it but it almost feels easier to let him get on with it. There was a particularly bad time last year when I woke up to him having sex with me and I felt like I was being raped but again I didn't stop it. I told him afterwards it didn't feel consensual and he was devastated. It didn't happen again for months and he was very careful about getting consent for middle of the night sex until last night when he had sex with me, although I was awake.

This is particularly frustrating as we have an agreement that for the time being I will be the only one to initiate sex as we had a big talk around 6 weeks ago about how although I loved him and that we get on great day to day, I didn't feel sexually attracted to him. He often asked for sex so one of the things we were trying was for me to be in control of initiation so I didn't feel pressured or pestered and it was working.

This morning he asked if he's in trouble and I said I didn't know, that I wasn't sure that I wanted the sex we had last night. We couldn't talk as the kids were around. I find it really hard to handle - like the middle of the night selfish sex guy is completely separate from the daytime guy. This is beginning to impact on how I feel about him generally and sexually. After the event last night I was determined to sort it out but it comes to the day and he's great and I don't want to hurt him.

This comes with the usual statement that daytime him is a hands on dad, does his fair share of chores and childcare, is a feminist, etc etc.

Outside of our middle of the night sex, sex generally isn't amazing and I mainly do it for him. I know great sex and I know what I am missing.

Any advice?

Help who? Rapists petal?

Assuming you're genuine, the OP's problem is not that other people are calling her husband a rapist. Her whole problem is that he IS.

It's this type of "help" that keeps women in abusive relationships and prevent them from reporting things like rape.

Fuck sake petal
You're missing the fact that she fucking already told him not to do it
Are you thick or a rape apologist? Got to be one or the other

I think petal is probably just thick.

petal I just used to like middle of the night sex (I refrain from calling it a romp as my life isn't a Mills and Boon "novel") but after last summer when I told him I felt he raped me, he went through a period of verbally checking I wanted sex.

Since then, we also have an agreement that only I will initiate sex to avoid his (what I call) pestering (and what he calls normal).

He broke both these agreements.

Last time I woke up with a dick in my vag, this time I was awake BUT I STILL DIDN'T WANT IT. I truly can't understand why he would want sex with an unresponsive body. What the fuck is he thinking? I would never want sex with him if he wasn't full engaged so I can't understand his mindset.

No, I haven't told I'm not having sex with him again.But I'm not... how can I have desire for him after he's done this twice (and many other times with minimal consent and no interaction).

And now I have to be all father's day-y for him. RAAAAAAR.

Oh, Style
That's the beginning of him thinking it's all alright and then being upset that it isn't.
And the path to mental problems as you try to be one person for the children while having very different feelings.

You really should tell him that it's not a celebratory day for you, just the children and that he's welcome to make the most of it, but not to count on you.

Also brace yourself for more pestering, and possibly worse, soon, as you're supposed to get over it.
It may not feel like it for you, but his is the best time to leave for you.

I'm sorry style it out that things are so bad for you at the moment.... Was trying to help,not fan the flames so to speek....I hope you work out what's best for you to do...for you and yr little ones...it must be awful, I do get that.... I when I posted my comments I somewhow missed page 3 of your thread...so it did make more sense after reading that....good luck x

Just pointing out that it's not anyone's responsibility to say no. It's for the other person to ensure we are happy with it to start with. That is the definition of consent.

(As in if someone takes money from your purse, it's not your responsibility to say no, it's theirs to make sure you allow it.)