I would really welcome some advice.
I've been with DH for 15 years and we had a good sex life to begin with but it's been going downhill for a long time. My DH often initiates sex in the middle of the night and while I used to enjoy these sleepy sessions when the kids were babies as it was an easy way to reconnect, over the past couple of years they've morphed so the sex is now him doing it to me. He'll cuddle up to my in spoons and with no foreplay have sex with me until he cums. He might touch my boobs, but otherwise he doesn't kiss, touch or speak to me until he's finished when he turns over and goes to sleep. I generally wont have moved at all. It's shit. I don't feel part of it at all, there's absolutely no concern for my pleasure or whether I'm ready.
I don't know why I don't stop him if I don't want it but it almost feels easier to let him get on with it. There was a particularly bad time last year when I woke up to him having sex with me and I felt like I was being raped but again I didn't stop it. I told him afterwards it didn't feel consensual and he was devastated. It didn't happen again for months and he was very careful about getting consent for middle of the night sex until last night when he had sex with me, although I was awake.
This is particularly frustrating as we have an agreement that for the time being I will be the only one to initiate sex as we had a big talk around 6 weeks ago about how although I loved him and that we get on great day to day, I didn't feel sexually attracted to him. He often asked for sex so one of the things we were trying was for me to be in control of initiation so I didn't feel pressured or pestered and it was working.
This morning he asked if he's in trouble and I said I didn't know, that I wasn't sure that I wanted the sex we had last night. We couldn't talk as the kids were around. I find it really hard to handle - like the middle of the night selfish sex guy is completely separate from the daytime guy. This is beginning to impact on how I feel about him generally and sexually. After the event last night I was determined to sort it out but it comes to the day and he's great and I don't want to hurt him.
This comes with the usual statement that daytime him is a hands on dad, does his fair share of chores and childcare, is a feminist, etc etc.
Outside of our middle of the night sex, sex generally isn't amazing and I mainly do it for him. I know great sex and I know what I am missing.
Any advice?