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Original poster

Bad Sex

111 replies

StyleItOut · 17/06/2016 08:42

I would really welcome some advice.

I've been with DH for 15 years and we had a good sex life to begin with but it's been going downhill for a long time. My DH often initiates sex in the middle of the night and while I used to enjoy these sleepy sessions when the kids were babies as it was an easy way to reconnect, over the past couple of years they've morphed so the sex is now him doing it to me. He'll cuddle up to my in spoons and with no foreplay have sex with me until he cums. He might touch my boobs, but otherwise he doesn't kiss, touch or speak to me until he's finished when he turns over and goes to sleep. I generally wont have moved at all. It's shit. I don't feel part of it at all, there's absolutely no concern for my pleasure or whether I'm ready.

I don't know why I don't stop him if I don't want it but it almost feels easier to let him get on with it. There was a particularly bad time last year when I woke up to him having sex with me and I felt like I was being raped but again I didn't stop it. I told him afterwards it didn't feel consensual and he was devastated. It didn't happen again for months and he was very careful about getting consent for middle of the night sex until last night when he had sex with me, although I was awake.

This is particularly frustrating as we have an agreement that for the time being I will be the only one to initiate sex as we had a big talk around 6 weeks ago about how although I loved him and that we get on great day to day, I didn't feel sexually attracted to him. He often asked for sex so one of the things we were trying was for me to be in control of initiation so I didn't feel pressured or pestered and it was working.

This morning he asked if he's in trouble and I said I didn't know, that I wasn't sure that I wanted the sex we had last night. We couldn't talk as the kids were around. I find it really hard to handle - like the middle of the night selfish sex guy is completely separate from the daytime guy. This is beginning to impact on how I feel about him generally and sexually. After the event last night I was determined to sort it out but it comes to the day and he's great and I don't want to hurt him.

This comes with the usual statement that daytime him is a hands on dad, does his fair share of chores and childcare, is a feminist, etc etc.

Outside of our middle of the night sex, sex generally isn't amazing and I mainly do it for him. I know great sex and I know what I am missing.

Any advice?

OP posts:
BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn · 17/06/2016 22:52

What part of him thinks it was consensual?

What do you actually think OP?

I don't see how your marriage could survive this tbh as it isn't the first time he has done it so he could do it again under the guise of 'breaking the initiation ban'.

Baconyum · 17/06/2016 23:37

The rape apologism that is continually left to stand on mn makes an absolute mockery of mnhqs we believe you 'campaign'.

Op you were raped, I am so sorry and I hope it never happens again.

iminshock · 17/06/2016 23:53

Completely agree with Marilyn.

iminshock · 17/06/2016 23:54

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MrsBertBibby · 17/06/2016 23:55

I hope the irony isn't lost on you, OP, that he seems to think he knows better than you do whether you consented to sex.

HelenaDove · 17/06/2016 23:56

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Baconyum · 17/06/2016 23:57

How the hell is a woman being raped and whether it was rape being questioned, nothing to do with we believe you? You do know a lot of rapes are committed by husbands/partners yes?

Baconyum · 18/06/2016 00:01

Particularly

MYTH: Rape can't take place in an ongoing relationship
Previous consent to sex does not imply ongoing consent, and sex without consent is rape.
REALITY: Previous consent to sex does not imply ongoing consent, and sex without consent is rape. It makes no difference whether the aggressor is a woman's husband or partner, or a complete stranger - 22% of rapes are committed by partners or ex-partners.

SandyY2K · 18/06/2016 01:02

Have you ever told him that you're not getting anything out of sex with him right now? Perhaps not as direct as that ... but you get my drift.

I detest being woken up for sex ever since an Ex of mine used to do it. I will not allow it anymore.

Men often wonder why women go off sex ... if it's so crap is it any suprise. They are focused on their own O and don't give pleasure to their wife.

Original poster
StyleItOut · 18/06/2016 06:34

He apologised for breaking the sex imitation ban, I told him it was more than that, that we're back at the sex with lack of consent. He said he didn't agree, that it was consensual. He sounded pretty annoyed at me for thinking it wasn't. He said he was going to always stop and ask mid sex if I wanted to be having sex. I lost the plot a bit at that and told him that he should be asking, that he used to following previous incident, that he got drunk decided he wanted sex so just took it, that I could be replaced with a blow up doll (thanks to whoever suggested that line), that clearly my pleasure doesn't matter to him at all, that there was no foreplay, it was all about his dick. Then I went out for a walk.

When I got back he said that he was just thinking about himself.

So he clearly think it was consensual, doesn't acknowledge that it was really rubbish sex and doesn't understand how big a deal this is to me.

I won't be sleeping with him again. This is killing my love for him and while I am not leaving immediately I know I need to go, whether it's in one year or five.

Thanks for helping me not minimise this in my head.

OP posts:
Original poster
StyleItOut · 18/06/2016 06:36

1st para - wasn't going to always stop and check

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 18/06/2016 06:53

halfwayoranges you are talking bollocks as well. The OP wasn't responding, joining in, etc of course her abusive husband knew she had not consented. He probably prefers it when she doesn't given he's a rapist.

I'm sorry OP. He was always going to say that. He was never going to say he knew you hadn't consented.

Lweji · 18/06/2016 07:47

It's good that you're not falling for his crap excuses.

No, he won't acknowledge he rapes you. He'd never do that.
But, I am concerned if you keep living together. Please have a plan in place. It's quite possible that he won't put up with no sex and things will move faster than you expect.

LadyReuleaux · 18/06/2016 08:21

Well done OP for making your feelings clear. He's in denial and skirting around the truth. You didn't consent, you had a prior agreement that he would NOT do this, he did NOT check with you, and he admits he was only thinking of himself. That does add up to rape but he's not willing to go there and admit it.

It is rape, legally, but even if it wasn't, it's massively disrespectful, hurtful, selfish and rude behaviour and of course you're put right off him by it. IMO, it does matter that it was rape, but on another level it's not as if it would be fine even if it could be legally defined otherwise. It's vile behaviour and you don't have to be in a relationship where you're treated like this.

I know I need to go, whether it's in one year or five

I reached this point too. (Not the exact same reasons although actual bad sex was one of them, among other forms of disrespect.) It did end up happening quickly after that, as a PP said. So wishing you well and lots of strength for the future.

Also as I said before you don't have to share a bed with the man who has done this to your body. I'd be telling him to sleep separately.

sixinabed · 18/06/2016 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LurcioAgain · 18/06/2016 09:19

Dear rape apologists on this thread, try to get your heads round this:

It's not consensual if one party doesn't consent! That's the whole point of consent. The person ignoring the other person's feelings is not the person who gets to judge whether the situation was consensual, the person who wasn't even bloody asked (because she was asleep and because there was a pre-existing agreement that only she was to initiate sex) is the one who gets to decide whether it is consensual - and she is clear that it wasn't.

Christ on a bike, people. Bad sex is when he's had too much to drink and can't keep it up, or when he's overexcited and comes in 10 seconds flat. Sex where you do not want it isn't just bad sex, it's rape.

Gabilan · 18/06/2016 14:14

This ^ The fact he thinks he can unilaterally decide it was consensual says it all.

He wants to be seen as a feminist and a good dad. Rape myths enable him to kid himself this is the case. But the fact is he has no respect for women's bodily autonomy.

Original poster
StyleItOut · 18/06/2016 14:22

I've had breakfast in bed and flowers today and an apology for being 'an arse last night' (I note not for the night before when it happened) but I feel as though he's apologising because it's the easiest way back to normality not because he actually thinks he's at fault and that a proper conversation and apology is required.

Doesn't really matter to me. I Sudan internal eye role when I saw them flowers, as if that's going to make everything better.

I am being civil and I will continue with pretence that everything is fine until I am in a place where I can leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
StyleItOut · 18/06/2016 14:23

Sudan = did an

OP posts:
Original poster
StyleItOut · 18/06/2016 14:23

The flowers, not them. Jeez.

OP posts:
feesh · 18/06/2016 14:27

I think he knows it wasn't consensual, but he is hardly going to admit it is he? He's just lying to get you off his back.

Costacoffeeplease · 18/06/2016 14:42

Shudder - what a creep

Lweji · 18/06/2016 17:07

The flowers are part of the abuser's script.
I wonder when he's going to blame you.

SeemsLegit · 18/06/2016 18:35

You poor woman. Have you told him you don't want sex with him again?