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Original poster

Bad Sex

111 replies

StyleItOut · 17/06/2016 08:42

I would really welcome some advice.

I've been with DH for 15 years and we had a good sex life to begin with but it's been going downhill for a long time. My DH often initiates sex in the middle of the night and while I used to enjoy these sleepy sessions when the kids were babies as it was an easy way to reconnect, over the past couple of years they've morphed so the sex is now him doing it to me. He'll cuddle up to my in spoons and with no foreplay have sex with me until he cums. He might touch my boobs, but otherwise he doesn't kiss, touch or speak to me until he's finished when he turns over and goes to sleep. I generally wont have moved at all. It's shit. I don't feel part of it at all, there's absolutely no concern for my pleasure or whether I'm ready.

I don't know why I don't stop him if I don't want it but it almost feels easier to let him get on with it. There was a particularly bad time last year when I woke up to him having sex with me and I felt like I was being raped but again I didn't stop it. I told him afterwards it didn't feel consensual and he was devastated. It didn't happen again for months and he was very careful about getting consent for middle of the night sex until last night when he had sex with me, although I was awake.

This is particularly frustrating as we have an agreement that for the time being I will be the only one to initiate sex as we had a big talk around 6 weeks ago about how although I loved him and that we get on great day to day, I didn't feel sexually attracted to him. He often asked for sex so one of the things we were trying was for me to be in control of initiation so I didn't feel pressured or pestered and it was working.

This morning he asked if he's in trouble and I said I didn't know, that I wasn't sure that I wanted the sex we had last night. We couldn't talk as the kids were around. I find it really hard to handle - like the middle of the night selfish sex guy is completely separate from the daytime guy. This is beginning to impact on how I feel about him generally and sexually. After the event last night I was determined to sort it out but it comes to the day and he's great and I don't want to hurt him.

This comes with the usual statement that daytime him is a hands on dad, does his fair share of chores and childcare, is a feminist, etc etc.

Outside of our middle of the night sex, sex generally isn't amazing and I mainly do it for him. I know great sex and I know what I am missing.

Any advice?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/06/2016 16:18

If you replaced yourself with a blow up doll, would he even notice ?

adora1 · 17/06/2016 16:39

Style, I have never once in all the years of being with my partner ever had to tell him to stop.

Sex is meant to be mutually enjoyable, it should never ever be one sided, it's almost as though you both without saying know he's a creep and will use your body but there are certain rules, not many but he can rape you when he wants but he has to ask you first.

You really need to have a long hard think about what is going on here.

Minor? I think you are that used to it, it's become normal to you.

MrsBertBibby · 17/06/2016 16:48

You only think it's minor because he acts like it is. Because in his world, your pleasure and desire is meaningless.

ravenmum · 17/06/2016 17:19

When you're married to someone, having sex is something you expect to do. You're in bed with them, where you've had sex before, and it seems normal. If you have previously had a loving relationship, then non consensual sex is not what you are expecting, and in that apparently normal context it might well take a while to realise that something nasty is going on.

If you don't see it as rape, does that make it any better? Him doing something to you purely for his own pleasure, no interest in you enjoying it? Is that ok?

Why would you have to say no? Would you have rubbed against him until you climaxed if he had been lying there asleep or unmoving? Satisfied that it was OK as he didn't actually push you off?

TheHobbitMum · 17/06/2016 18:08

I've no. More to add OP but this isn't bad sex, it's rape, you didn't concent and he knows this! You don't have to put up with this, he's overstepped a bloody big boundary xx

Marilynsbigsister · 17/06/2016 18:28

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ImperialBlether · 17/06/2016 19:11

Disgraceful post, Marilyn. Absolutely disgusting.

MoreKopparbergthanKrug · 17/06/2016 19:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MazzleDazzle · 17/06/2016 19:35

Sadly, the connotations of rape are strangers, dark alleyways and brutal force. In reality it's much more complex.

According to the police: 'What is rape? A person commits rape if they intentionally penetrate the vagina, anus or mouth of another person with their penis without consent'

He needs to understand the severity of his actions and how his actions make you feel.

If, perhaps through counselling, he is able to see this then there may be hope for your relationship.

But you shouldn't have to live with things the way they are.

Goingtobeawesome · 17/06/2016 19:42

Utter bollocks Marilyn.

Baconyum · 17/06/2016 19:54

Marilyn your post is utterly disgusting! And I speak as a csa survivor! Was I not molested because I was awake but didn't say no? Is 'real' rape only when a woman is dragged down an alley by a stranger?

" if you said nothing yet were awake, then it's not rape. " YES IT IS! Ffs!

Op he's already had his 2nd chance, are you really wanting to give him a 3rd?

meiisme · 17/06/2016 19:57

When I was in your situation, I didn't say no, because I had told him before (many times) that I did not want him to do this. You have the agreement that you will be the only one initiating sex, so you have very explicitly not given him consent to penetrate you as he did. When someone ignores your will that explicitly, sometimes it feels like there is no point in saying no. Especially since it is someone you love (or loved?) it is difficult for your brain and body to treat it like an attack (which it is, of course). Also, there is the issue of fight, flight, freeze or flop. If someone is attacking you, you will do one of those things. Even people who are raped by by stranger in a dark alley might freeze or flop (give in to placate him). Don't take this survival mechanism as a substitute of consent, becaus it is not and, again, you explicitly told him (even cam to agreement with him) that you do not give consent to him doin this. Hence, it is rape. Also, try to imagine how he saw you and your right to integrity of your body while he was doing this an when he asked if he was in trouble this morning (eeurgh). It is not a pretty picture. He is not a nice man and he is certainly not a feminist.

FirstShinyRobe · 17/06/2016 20:11

StyleItOut You know this isn't Bad Sex. So does he.

2 questions for you - how would you describe the kind of man is able to reach orgasm when their partner is not enthusiastic (at minimum)? And can you imagine ever behaving like this with a partner?

I don't know how you move on from this and rebuild the relationship. There's no going back, is there?

And, no, he's not a feminist. He's the kind of rapist that some posters on rape threads twist themselves in knots in order to place in grey areas.

LurcioAgain · 17/06/2016 20:26

Marilyn you are wrong legally - there is no such thing as presumed consent in UK law, you have to actively indicate by words or actions that you want sex, not say no in order to avoid it. As for morally, well, frankly you are a complete piece of dog turd when it comes to the morality of the situation.

OP, you were raped. I'm so sorry you are going through this. No amount of making the right noises during the day pretending to believe in women's rights makes up for the fact that he raped you (more than once).

HelenaDove · 17/06/2016 20:29

I got halfway through the OP and was going to type how hes having sex ON you not WITH you had this been the case im sure Marilyn would have had an excuse for this as well but no OP its without consent so it is rape.

Marilyn you have really excelled yourself this time!! Sickening.

Original poster
StyleItOut · 17/06/2016 20:55

In news that will come as a surprise to no one we have differing views on last night. He thinks he just broke the sex-initiation ban but that it was consensual.

OP posts:
SeemsLegit · 17/06/2016 21:10

The last time I had sex with my ex it was from behind while I had tears running down my face because I felt like I didn't have a reason to say no so I had better get on with it. I often ask myself what kind of man could have sex with an unmoving woman and not even ask if she's alright.

One who has no respect for you and who doesn't give a fuck about you, whatever he says in the day.

Marilynsbigsister · 17/06/2016 21:29

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Halfwayoranges · 17/06/2016 21:45

OP did he know you were asleep?

If he thought you were awake and you had sex a lot in the night, then I don't think it's as bad as others are making it out to be.

However, he did still ignore your request to leave it to you to initiate, which is disrespectful, although arguably forgivable (depending on the answer to my first question above).

LellyMcKelly · 17/06/2016 21:47

Oh honey, he's raping you. He's raping you. That's shocking, awful, behaviour.

SeemsLegit · 17/06/2016 22:03

Whether it's rape or not he is having sex on her and he couldn't give a flying fuck if she enjoys it or not

Curviest · 17/06/2016 22:07

Even if you choose not to take action, please, from now on, always wear a pair of leggings in bed.

MoreKopparbergthanKrug · 17/06/2016 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 17/06/2016 22:18

Ignore the rape apologist.

You've talked to him. He knows what he's done is wrong.
You can choose to stay with a man who doesn't respect your free will or your body, or separate.
What he feels is fair is irrelevant.
And, btw, he could easily be arrested if you report what he has done.
Free yourself and whatever is fair for the children is fair in the split.

You do deserve more than this

Gabilan · 17/06/2016 22:30

Op, you both agreed that if you wanted sex, you would initiate it. You didn't initiate it, therefore you didn't want it.

For all those trying to justify this man's behaviour, can you imagine having sex with someone who wasn't willing and fully participating? Why on earth would you want to do that? We really do have to get away from this idea that men have a right to sex, that they have a right to do whatever they want to a woman's body, unless she's actively screaming no, if then.