Would you divorce over no sex?

[LillyMom]

Hi, I am married and have three kids. My husband and I have been together for twelve years and we have a very harmonic relationship. We hardly fight about anything, he is an amazing guy and does a lot for me and our family.
Problem is that we never really had good sex, and things don't seem to get better even though we have been trying to fix the problem for some time now. We just don't do it. We have gone more than an year without it and now it does happen, but not even once every two months.
I have suggested divorce but he refuses and I don't know what to do. I am not the cheating kind, and have not done that, but I do feel it will be hard to resist if I get the chance. In that case things can get worse cause I would get a turbulent divorce instead of a friendly one, plus I would hurt him, which I really don't want to.
I am lost and need advice. Someone in same situation? Share your thoughts and experiences, please.
Thank you so much.

MeMySon, thanks. I honestly did not think about all that. As my kids are all under 6 I did not think they would get to know about any of that. I was just thinking it would be the perfect way to have what I need and them to keep their dad close.
I am confused now,though.
Maybe I am being unrealistic thinking it could be ok to have a "legal affair"? I don't know. But I know it works for some people...

Thanks for your answer. Were things as easy as you suggest, life would be great for everyone.
Thanks to the good atmosphere we have home, my kids are happy little children who know both mom and dad care a lot about their wellbeing.

Your kids can still be happy little people who know mum and dad love them without you throwing yourself over for them to have that. I didn't suggest it was easy - sorry if It reads that I did - but affairs and open relationships have the potential to be harder and cause much more pain than an as-amicable-as-possible divorce now when they are so young with no third party involved. It doesn't sound like living without sex and intimacy is working for you, so just rumbling on like this could cause you real damage long term.

Lastly, it's hard to imagine your kids won't cotton on to the lack of intimacy in your marriage as they get older. Kids learn a lot about relationships from watching their parents.

Hi Kallyno. No, no sorry. The above answer was not for your comment. I don't quite understand how this answer thing works if people cannot see who we are answering.
I understand what you mean. I am actually so confused now that I am back to beginning... Meaning, no idea what to do.
Thanks for helping, I will think about all that.

i have been married for 26 years .i am only 46 hubby 50 .we have not had sex in 3 years because of hubbys illness .he is a good man in so many ways but it can be frustrating thinking this is it .if you can see past the sex element then maybe your marriage has a chance but if its vitaly important you are better separating .

Wife and I haven't had sex more than 5 times in about a decade. After the birth of our first child, there was a long dry spell (several years) until she wanted to try to get pregnant again. She was never really into it, and we gave up. It's been nothing for at least 7 years. In addition to that, no kissing besides a peck, and recently she has started turning her face to kisses so I only get a cheek.
I've recently lost weight, and started working out. I haven't received any attention from any other ladies yet, but if I do, I know I would seriously consider an affair. Depending on how that works out , I might consider a divorce, even though it would be hard on our son and my wallet.
Lack of sex isn't just about the sex. It's a rejection of love. I'm sorry , but romantic love without sex is just not right (except in fairytales)

I don't know why people who know they're not really bothered about sex/have low sex drives, marry people who do want sex have normal/high sex drives. It's incredibly self-centred and selfish. Then to just ignore the needs of the other partner, their pleading, efforts to make themselves sexy, arrange time away, instigate intimacy everyday for years, and then say "well I'm happy without it so" and keep bumbling along, knowing that there is a sword of Damocles above the other parties head where they have to either be the bad guy and break up the family, or put up and be miserable.........O.P. do you want to married to someone like that? Frankly in my book this is at the very least emotionally abusive. Your esteem is on the floor, you feel unattractive, and likely older than you are. I for one would not blame you in the slightest for having an affair. If you can't get out, if you can't bring yourself to be the bad fall guy (cause he won't step up and acknowledge things are over) well you have my advice really. Best of luck

Agree AntiqueSinger - good post.

Divorce, especially with kids and family home, makes things very complex and expensive.

I did split up with a long term BF and fiance at the time for the same issue. Very fortunate we had not married. It involves cancelling wedding, and was messy (but thankfully no kids).

Looking back it was exactly the right decision, and I should have done it sooner. There was no way back, but I was in denial for a 2 years.

Good luck OP

One thing about MN that really opened my eyes is men not wanting to have sex with their wives. The only experience I have of this is a temporary period I went through of about a month where "it wouldn't work". I was young at the time and this caused me abject panic (the doctor said it was probably from over use!), it also caused my gf at the time great concern and made her anxious, When we spoke about it, she expected men had an in built biological reaction to things they found to be a turn on. So there being no...erm...physical...reaction at all when she was naked next to me and wanting to have sex with me was in her mind a total disaster. I couldn't deny that in my experience she had a point really, thus if I see my wife naked, then there is a reaction (if you see what I mean). I am not sure what I'm trying to say here - if I did not get any reaction from seeing my wife naked, that would be bad. Does your husband have any interest in seeing you naked ? I don't personally understand that, or why a man could be married to someone he presumably fancied and yet be happy not having sex for a year. Even if I am not in the mood to "finish the job" there would still be a physical response to seeing my wife without her clothes on.....

Have you considered going to a sex therapist? These are NOT prostitutes but health care professionals you can find on Google.

I’ll just leave this here...

m.youtube.com/watch?v=tSs2dXDf1Zs

Great post, AntiqueSinger.
OP, I’m in a similar situation. I’ve done the open relationship and found it just brings home how sad I am at the lack of that sexual energy in my marriage.
Thus I am steeling myself to have THE talk in the next couple of months. It’s terrifying.

It's difficult for me to even write this but last year I walked out of a twenty year marriage after not having sex for twelve of them. My self confidence was on the floor and I felt utterly worthless and rejected in the most profound way. I moved two hundred miles away and have started a new life for myself. I'm broke and it's scary but I've never been happier. Please don't stay I am so glad I found the courage to leave.

If I have understood correctly, this isn't just about no sex is it? OP says there are no hugs, no affection.

I wouldn't choose to live like this.

This would probably count as Unreasonable Behaviour if you did decide you wanted to divorce him. He can't just refuse.

Personally I would rather be single than be in a relationship where I don't even get a hug.