Would you divorce over no sex?

[LillyMom]

Hi, I am married and have three kids. My husband and I have been together for twelve years and we have a very harmonic relationship. We hardly fight about anything, he is an amazing guy and does a lot for me and our family.
Problem is that we never really had good sex, and things don't seem to get better even though we have been trying to fix the problem for some time now. We just don't do it. We have gone more than an year without it and now it does happen, but not even once every two months.
I have suggested divorce but he refuses and I don't know what to do. I am not the cheating kind, and have not done that, but I do feel it will be hard to resist if I get the chance. In that case things can get worse cause I would get a turbulent divorce instead of a friendly one, plus I would hurt him, which I really don't want to.
I am lost and need advice. Someone in same situation? Share your thoughts and experiences, please.
Thank you so much.

[LillyMom]

RunRabbit thanks. I also like to go for friendly conversations and he does know how I feel because I said honestly to him that I am unhappy and feel like finding someone who really wants to have sex with me. And told him I think we should go from each other.
Yet no conclusions.

[suesue89]

Awah honey it's a hard one. It's important in a marriage to feel wanted sexually. If you feel that has gone sit down with him or go away nothing expensive just away from the kids if you can and let that moment be the end all be all, sit him down and tell him you feel neglected and not wanted. As women we all want to be desired by our partners they must want us sexually more than we want them and if you feel that's not there then maybe it's not a bad idea to go your own separate ways. But I'd say have a heart to heart with him. I hope it works out for you and if it doesn't I hope you find someone who gives you mind blowing sex and love. Xxx

[Vriksasana]

Lilymom i skim read yr OP, apologies.

Runrabbit puts it well i think. V straight. V reasonable. I was in a sexless relationship once. Torture. If any sex came on tv, i was mortified because we never spoke of it.

[LillyMom]

Thanks everyone. It's great to be able to talk to someone about it. You are all really helpful.

[needresolution]

I never knew of good sex until I left my ex - he was so selfish but I never knew it, I thought 'wham bam thank you mam' was what everyone did. I never thought sex was meant to be fulfilling and enjoyable, I always saw it as a chore. My now partner has changed all that for me. So in response to your question from what I know now, yes I would divorce over no sex.

[HazelBite]

My first Dh wasn't bothered about sex, it destroyed me, there is nothing so awful as lying next to someone in a bed that you love and knowing that if you reach out for some intimacy that you will be rejected.
I felt so ugly, undesirable and couldn't get over it when a member of the opposite sex actually found me attractive.

Op ask him if he "fancies" you does he fin you attractive if he says yes to either of them ask him why he is not expressing this in a physical manner?
My guess is he will not answer and talk around the issue, because he knows how your feelings lie and he doesn't want divorce!

You have to be supremely selfish in this, you know what you want, if he doesn't want the same then go, give yourself the chance of happiness.

I have had a long and happily fulfilled second marriage, give yourself that chance.

[InstinctivelyITry]

Agree with previous poster. My sexless, one-sided marriage almost destroyed me. Only now that were separated almost a year can I begin to feel a bit more like the old me.

I hate that he strung me along, I hate that I let him. I believed him & his lies about his feelings for me. I'm trying to reframe the same period of time as taking time out to rear the kids. Helps me not think of my marriage as a waste of time.

I don't envy you in your decision making but would agree yiu could probably do with some space. Trust yourself to make the right decision

[LillyMom]

Perfect, Hazel. Asked him that and he said yes but something is always on the way and blabla. He really does not want to talk about it much because he knows what I feel and it probably scares him a bit. I like him a lot and don't want to hurt him, but I want to be happy...

[LillyMom]

Thanks Instinctively. Glad to know you don't regret getting divorced. That's my worse fear.
I will try to organize my thoughts now, as I am very much lost, and get to the best decision.

[LillyMom]

Thanks for sharing your experience, needresolution. Good to hear some similar stories with happy endings.

[SauvignonPlonker]

It sounds like you have really tried, OP.

As a last- ditch attempt, I would organise some counselling, and go with or without him.

If he comes, it will perhaps be a way to open up communication & work on the issues.

If he refuses, go yourself & use it as a sounding board & to make your own decision.

I guess if you confront this, you must make sure you are placed for leaving, as it may not be solve-able.

Either way, I personally don't believe you should leave an otherwise happy relationship without exploring all options. Good luck.

[StillDrSethHazlittMD]

I endured - and that is the word - a sexless relationship for five years. My ex had never had a high sex drive and it just went off a cliff. I tried to discuss it with her, she said sex had never been important to her and she was quite happy without it. Foolishly, I decided that as I loved her, I'd accept that. Despite the fact that I was 32. But it totally and utterly destroyed me over time and in the end I had to get out.

I've been single for the last 6 years so still not having any sex but am much happier

[hellsbellsmelons]

I have suggested divorce but he refuses and I don't know what to do
He can't refuse a divorce if you want a divorce and serve him papers.

[JessicaRabbit3]

You're entitled to have an active healthly sex life he is also entitled to not engage in sexual activity. You're well in your rights to ask him for a divorce it's clear you both want different things. I wouldn't want to remain in a sexless marriage.

[gamerchick]

He can't refuse a divorce if that's what you want and you don't deserve to go through the rest of your life feeling the way you do and if he's not willing to try it means that you're missing out on the happy you could feel with someone else at some point.

It probably would be a deal breaker for me, not so much the sex but I couldn't do without the intimacy, it would make me horribly miserable if I didn't get bonding time on a regular basis.

[LillyMom]

Yes, lack of intimacy is hard to take and harder to fix than lack of sex.

[SauvignonPlonker]

Absolutely! And even worse, failing to engage in discussions or trying to improve things.

[pocketsaviour]

He won't "let" you divorce him
He won't try to fix the problem.
So he is happy, even though he knows you are unhappy. And he is happy for you to remain unhappy. Think about that.

I have close friends who have been in this situation; they ended up opening the marriage. It was fraught for the first year or so and a lot of renegotiations were needed and much transparency and honesty and revising of boundaries. It has worked for them for the last 8 years. She is happy and fulfilled and her self-esteem (which had been in tatters) is now strong; he is happier and less stressed not having to worry about fulfilling her sexual needs.

There is no way I'd ever live in a sexless relationship. As far as I'm concerned it's one of the few benefits of being in a relationship.

[MeMySonAndl]

Without sex/attraction you can be flatmates, best friends, brother and sister but not a couple. So yeah, I would say I would find it terrifying if I gone off my partner because that would be it, no matter how much I like him or love him, it won't be the same.

I have fallen out of love twice, if I could have magic wand I would have wanted for that not to happen, I loved both men at the time, we were good friends and had a lot of things in common, but with the attraction gone it felt pointless to stay.

I believe romantic love is a combination of admiration, attraction and trust. IME, the trust went when I became their mum, the admiration followed and at the end there was nothing left to be attracted to.

I think that if you have tried to reignite things in the bedroom for a good while and nothing happens, you may prefer to start preparing the exit rather than waiting until you can barely bear his presence. Better to leave when you can still see him as a friend than waiting until things get so bad is impossible to co parent separately together.

[LillyMom]

Thanks Pocket. I think opening the marriage is an option and I am starting to put myself together and suggest that in an honest conversation with him. Let's hope I get some sort of agreement this time.

[LillyMom]

You are right, MeMySonAndI. Things have to be solved now before they get worse. Thanks for helping.

[jubileepancakes]

I had this exact situation OP. My ExH was perfectly happy in a miserable marriage, because in his words 'the alternative was far worse'. It was soul destroying, lying next to him in bed every night, back to back, no affection, if I tried to cuddle him I got huffed at as he was uncomfortable. On the rare occasion he instigated sex it was a case of 'get your kit off then' no romance, nothing. I felt ugly, worthless and in the end totally meaningless as when I said I'd had enough he didn't fight for me at all, he just accepted it.

I've not had sex for over 4 years but now we've separated I feel happier than I have in ages. We still live together, but that's a whole different thread.

I wish you luck OP, even though you say he's an amazing man, there's nothing in the world lonelier than a sexless, unfulfilling marriage.

[LillyMom]

Jubilee, I am glad you feel happy now. I know everything about feeling miserable in a relationship. It's like having all our energy gone by trying to find a solution everyday.
For many years now I have had my self esteem down to earth, I doing think anyone deserves that.
The strangest thing for me is that I felt so lonely in that situation, thinking it just happened to me. But now I see so many others with same story, and learning they found happiness comforts me a lot.
Thanks for your support.

[jubileepancakes]

Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2592809-Curious-to-hear-from-people-who-have-left-marriages-that-werent-AWFUL-but-just-unsatisfying

Not sure if the above works but I found a lot of comfort from reading this thread.

[LillyMom]

Thanks, was nice to read that.