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Original poster

Would you divorce over no sex?

116 replies

LillyMom · 13/06/2016 22:54

Hi, I am married and have three kids. My husband and I have been together for twelve years and we have a very harmonic relationship. We hardly fight about anything, he is an amazing guy and does a lot for me and our family.
Problem is that we never really had good sex, and things don't seem to get better even though we have been trying to fix the problem for some time now. We just don't do it. We have gone more than an year without it and now it does happen, but not even once every two months.
I have suggested divorce but he refuses and I don't know what to do. I am not the cheating kind, and have not done that, but I do feel it will be hard to resist if I get the chance. In that case things can get worse cause I would get a turbulent divorce instead of a friendly one, plus I would hurt him, which I really don't want to.
I am lost and need advice. Someone in same situation? Share your thoughts and experiences, please.
Thank you so much.

OP posts:
Ineedmorelemonpledge · 13/06/2016 23:47

Lack of sex with intimacy and will is very different though.

The op has said there isn't intimacy. This can be soul and confidence destroying to a person. Worse than missing sex is the feeling one half has checked out.

Op give it one more chance...get the issue on the table and find out if he just isn't interested in intimacy, or would he be open to some counselling, or to make specific times or weekends away etc.

I think what AF means is that when you vocalise (internally or externally) that you could cheat if tempted it's like opening a release gate to a self fulfilling prophecy.

And with that mindset the thought that she could be open to temptation means that if the opportunity arises she could blame the situation for everything.

AnyFucker · 13/06/2016 23:50

Thank you lemon. I thought I must be speaking a different language for a moment there. It was a good natured warning, not a hate filled accusation Hmm

There are other options between the extremes of a sexless, miserable marriage and divorce.

Original poster
LillyMom · 13/06/2016 23:51

Smidge I do think about it, to try maybe an open relationship. Sounds strange to me, as I am not usually open to this kind of thing. But may be a great solution for us.
Just did not have the guts to ask him that yet.

OP posts:
MrsY · 14/06/2016 00:00

Lilly I take it he is happy with things as they are? Would he consider counseling or maybe talking to a doctor to check hormones etc and an issue?

MrsY · 14/06/2016 00:01

aren't an issue

Original poster
LillyMom · 14/06/2016 00:04

He says he is happy that way. I guess he would check it out if I asked him to. Thanks, will try to have another conversation with him.

OP posts:
LaPharisienne · 14/06/2016 00:08

I would think about it seriously if my DH didn't acknowledge the problem and wasn't prepared to try and fix it.

Smidge001 · 14/06/2016 00:18

Yes an open relationship does seem weird, and I can see why you haven't broached the subject yet. But if the alternative is divorce, it has to be worth consideration. But hopefully some of the less drastic options suggested already could be a first step (counselling, hormone tests, general discussion about how important sex is to you and therefore hopefully he would actually get enjoyment from pleasing you, even if not specifically from the physical side himself)

I do sometimes think it's weird that we expect our relationships with OH to meet all our needs. If they don't have hobbies in common, we can share that with a friend, we can get emotional support from friends etc when it's lacking in our relationship, but if it's the sex part, it's a complete no-no to go elsewhere. I get that for most of us (me included) it's the sex that differentiates this relationship from a friendship. But there must be plenty of people who say actually it's the support/companionship/laughs etc that are what truly separate their relationship with that of others.

Hard to get my head around - just don't think there's a black and white acceptable solution - as long as you are both happy with the idea, of course.

Original poster
LillyMom · 14/06/2016 00:30

Love what you just said, Smidge. That's exactly what I think: Sex is the only one thing I can't get elsewhere. So the thing here is: Do I want to go all my life without sex? I am quite young and the answer is no.
Thanks for your kind support.

OP posts:
Smidge001 · 14/06/2016 00:41

Really hope you can find a good solution Lilly

LellyMcKelly · 14/06/2016 05:54

I did, but then I found out I wasn't having sex because my husband wasn't attracted to me because he was gay. I've met someone else who loves me and loves having sex, and I'm definitely so much happier, calmer, and more relaxed now. A regular, top quality, shag should be available on the NHS. It really does take the edge off stress and anxiety.

Ifailed · 14/06/2016 06:12

Op says her DH & her have a harmonic relationship, they hardly fight about anything and he is an amazing guy and does a lot for me and our family. But there's no sex.
Given some mens attitude to sex, I'm sure she could divorce and find someone to provide her that, but there's no guarantee that they will have a harmonic relationship, hardly fight about anything, and that he would be an amazing guy and does a lot for me and our family.
So I suppose I'm wondering, given all relationships include some compromises, is she prepared to lose all the 'good' non-sexual side of her marriage for sex?

jubileepancakes · 14/06/2016 06:37

Do you fancy him and actually want to have sex with him OP and he refuses?

DaveCamoron · 14/06/2016 06:47

Yeah I'd divorce my wife if we were in a similar situation, I certainly wouldn't cheat on her though.

ALaughAMinute · 14/06/2016 06:56

I don't think it's possible to have a harmonic relationship when one person wants sex and the other one doesn't so I'd divorce him.

Original poster
LillyMom · 14/06/2016 07:27

Jubilee that is the actual sad part of the story. I do not feel like having sex with him any longer. I have been trying to make him sleep with me for a really long time now, it was actually an issue from the very beginning of the relationship. But all his other qualities made me stay.
I guess I just got tired of it and let it go, and now none of us seem to be interested in having sex with each other. We do sometimes though. Having realized that, I started thinking we should divorce, but so far we did not agree on that.

OP posts:
Vriksasana · 14/06/2016 09:54

Sorry but if u know the divorce would be an ugly fight and bring out an angry side of him then i qurstion the harmony. Facade of harmony. Fake harmony.
a decent reasonable man wouldnt give u an ugly battle of a divorce in the circs. He'd understand and let u go, however reluctantly.

Vriksasana · 14/06/2016 09:58

Ps, sex not oxygen of course and im single. That shag on the nhs, can i take two?? Stockpile?

But seriously srx is easier to do without if u r single and torture to do without when there is somebody beside u in the bed.

Original poster
LillyMom · 14/06/2016 10:01

No, Vrik. You misunderstood me. I said I can have a friendly divorce now. But that wouldn't happen if infidelity was involved. So, I don't want to cheat on him, don't want to hurt him either and don't think he deserves that.

OP posts:
SugarMiceInTheRain · 14/06/2016 10:06

No sex wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me as long as he showed affection in other ways, but you said no hugs/ kisses either. Does he make you feel attractive? Is there still a spark there? If he is as amazing as you say, and otherwise things are good between you, I would keep trying to fix it.

We went through quite a dry spell for a few years, which I found difficult, though managed to conceive DD on one of the rare occasions we DTD. But I could count on one hand the number of times we had sex over a period of 3 years. However, things are starting to (gradually) improve and in my case, our relationship is too good to throw away over lack of sex. But only you know what you can live with.

suesue89 · 14/06/2016 10:12

12 years is a long time do you really want to throw everything away? He is a good man and does a lot for your family you say, do you know how hard it is to find good men nowadays ? Don't throw what you have over something that can be worked on. Sex is important but you can make it special do away for a awhile buy sexy underwear but your all into it before thinking of leaving him. I had this friend who felt the same as you and she left her husband she met this guy and they had mind blowing sex but after awhile there was nothing more to the relationship but just sex she missed her husband. However , but the time she realised what she let go her Husband already moved on and she was devasted. X

Original poster
LillyMom · 14/06/2016 10:45

No, Sugar. The spark is pretty much gone.

OP posts:
Iamthinking · 14/06/2016 11:04

Would he notice if you 'put your all into it' and bought sexy underwear?
How crushing that after all that waxing & grooming and preparation, emerging into the bedroom in said underwear...to be completely ignored. To get a brief glance, a nervous cough, an 'I actually have a really big day ahead' excuse.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 14/06/2016 11:22

I'd be inclined to go with a friendly honest ultimatum "I can't live without sex. I like being married to you, our marriage works in every way except sex. I need for you to do whatever is necessary to determine if you'll ever want to have an active sex life with me. I will support you in whatever you need to do to determine that and I will accept whatever conclusion you come to. No-one can tell another person how to feel. When we both understand your needs as well as mine then we can decide what to do about it all so we can both be happy."

Original poster
LillyMom · 14/06/2016 11:23

Iamthinking, that does not happen anymore because I have stopped trying too. I can't say it's all his fault, because I did give up too. From the very beginning I was the one who took initiative more often, but after years in that situation I just accepted our sex life was dead and for over six years none of us did anything to make it better.
Lately we have been trying but for me it feels more like we have sex because we have to, and not because we want. That's killing me.
Do you guys think it is possible to start over and make it better even if it has never been satisfactory from the very beginning? I do find it hard to believe...

OP posts:
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