Would you divorce over no sex?

[LillyMom]

Hi, I am married and have three kids. My husband and I have been together for twelve years and we have a very harmonic relationship. We hardly fight about anything, he is an amazing guy and does a lot for me and our family.
Problem is that we never really had good sex, and things don't seem to get better even though we have been trying to fix the problem for some time now. We just don't do it. We have gone more than an year without it and now it does happen, but not even once every two months.
I have suggested divorce but he refuses and I don't know what to do. I am not the cheating kind, and have not done that, but I do feel it will be hard to resist if I get the chance. In that case things can get worse cause I would get a turbulent divorce instead of a friendly one, plus I would hurt him, which I really don't want to.
I am lost and need advice. Someone in same situation? Share your thoughts and experiences, please.
Thank you so much.

[WanderingAndLost]

LillyMom, I could have written what you did. I've been married a LOT longer and our sex life has just about dried up. For a long while I was accepting of that and had learned to live with it.

Then I met someone and had a brief affair. That ended v quickly but it made me realise that I don't want to go back to living a sexless life. I am still with my husband because I am too much of a coward to actually have "the conversation" with him. I vacillate between thinking I can just put it to the back of my mind and carry on in order not to destroy the lives of my family and knowing I can't live the rest of my life with no intimacy. I truly have no idea what will happen - only that I am desperately unhappy and cry every day. Don't wait for years and end up in my position. Address it now and live your life.

[LillyMom]

Oh my God, WanderingAndLost. Don't say you are a coward. You can change it, I am sure. I know exactly what you feel because I too had a sudden "click" and woke up to realize I don't want to live like that forever. It was not an affair, though. Anyway, I also cried everyday for months before I talked to him first time.
Talk to your husband. Does he know how miserable you feel?
Do it for yourself, you deserve to be happy. If you wish you can send me a message and we may be able to help each other.

[spookyelectric]

I think it is slightly worrying that your DH was never really in to the sex part from the start. Some people just don't like it that much. So it may not be a case of reawakening lust (if it was never there).

I would research local properly qualified therapists/counsellors in your area who specialise in sexual/intimacy problems (check the bacp website) and have a talk with your husband and see if he will agree to see one and commit to undertaking their "homework"/exercises to help re establish intimacy (may be things such as touching each other on the arm each day, peck on the cheek , building up to a hug, a massage etc).

If a no go you could see a counsellor yourself to help you explore what you want to do and how to tackle it . Be clear with the counsellor you want to make a plan rather than just talk round the issue ad infinitum. You may want to give your DH an ultimatum - try sex therapy/ make an intimacy plan (depending on funds) or else split - but you would need to be ready to follow through on this or he will never take you seriously.

An "open" relationship is a very difficult thing to get right.

[AristotleTheGreat]

Will just say one thing. Do not confuse a relationship with no sex and a relationship with no intimacy.
It is totally possible to have a loving and fulfilling relationship with no sex but WITH intimacy.
A relationship with no intimacy is dead IMO, with or without sex.

[springydaffs]

It would be an absolute deal breaker for me. No way could I stay in a marriage that had no sex, regardless how 'good' the marriage was. Regardless of kids, businesses, whatever. I couldn't live with something so utterly soul -destroying.

As for Things have to be solved now before they get worse - what could be worse than this, how could this possibly get worse? It's at the very worst it can get.

As others are saying, even if you end up single, therefore no or little sex, it won't be agonising like this: a daily diet of rejection at a core level.

[Nearlyhadenough]

Another one here! I was in your situation, Lily, for 20 years....

No sex or intimacy - 2 DC conceived miraculously, then nothing unless I made a fuss. Tried counselling on my own, couples counselling and psycho-sexual counselling. Nothing helped. H just didn't want sex or any intimacy with me.

It was horrible. I lost all my confidence and had no self-esteem, felt like I was a hideous person that no one could love or care for. I couldn't watch sex scenes on tv, and got jealous when friends talked about the love lives. I tried everything - ignoring the situation, dressing up, booking time away. Nothing worked.

I then became like Wanderingandlost - spent years trying to decide what to do (though no affair). I was scared of being on my own, maybe I could continue with no intimacy....

But a couple of months ago I told H I'd had enough, I needed a divorce. (There are other issues - but they could have been resolved had there been some intimacy over the years). Though we still have to live in the same house while things are being sorted, I know that I will be better off in the long term. I am not looking for another man - that is something for way, way down the line, and also something that I can only now start to imagine as a potential possibility - as so much of me has been destroyed by my H.

You have valid reasons for leaving.

[MeMySonAndl]

There is no way around it, starting on your own after you have been part of a couple is difficult, but it is not that bad. I was mostly a SAHM when I decided to leave my ex. As weddings, divorces take a lot of planning, preparation and saving, as it makes a big difference if you start with the right foot.

In my case it was about regaining some financial independence, getting protection to ensure he wouldn't move abroad with my child, saving for a car, putting money away for eventualities before having the talk (but once the talk was done, that was it, he moved out 2 weeks after (as soon as he found a house).

Raising DS on my own has not been easy, I have money worries that I didn't have before, and exh is like a black cloud in the horizon BUT these years after divorce have been the happiest of my life, my life is full of options and most importantly, there is hope for a brighter future. When I was still married, I felt I was dying inside, literally putting up with each day, one at a time. Life is much better these days.

[LillyMom]

Nearlyhadenough, I am amazed by all these stories. So much of the same. Happy to see you are finding your way.

Thanks everyone for sharing and for the kind help.

[1horatio]

If I were you I'd go for an open marriage. If you tell him and he accepts it (doesn't want a divorce) it's not cheating...

Why divorce when everything else is good? I would feel selfish, not because of DH but because of the LO...

No, Idk RTFT.

[1horatio]

Oops, now that was a weird case of... Auto-correct and being distracted.
'No, I didn't RTFT'

[LillyMom]

Yes, I think a lot about the kids. Open marriage it will be.

[MeMySonAndl]

What if you fall in love while having an open marriage? Do you then leave him or just say to your new man "sorry, progressing this relationship is not part of the agreement"

How will the marriage be opened? Would you do OLD without saying you are married? Would you join Illicit Encounters? Would such an arrangement will be fair on you, the other men and ultimately your children? Not judging you, really, I just do not understand how it works.

[Vickyyyy]

No sex wouldn't bother me at all to be quite honest. However my sex drive has always been low to non existent...its just not really a big part of my life and I could easily go without.

[LillyMom]

MeMySon, I really don't know to answer your questions. I guess time will say if it will work and we can get better agreements when the challenges come.
But falling in love with someone else and leaving is always a possibility and a risk, in an open or closed relationship. But I always tend to believe it is more risky to be in an unhappy relationship, and one can fall in love with someone else easily when feeling miserable.
As in my case is that or divorce, I will be glad of that works for some years so my kids can grow older and we can maybe find a better solution for us in the future.

[LillyMom]

I will be glad if that works for some years*

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

LillyMom

Re an earlier comment of yours:-
" The issue is: To keep trying to fix the relationship or not".

The question I would ask of you is why you want to try to fix it on your own? You've already tried and it has not worked, he seems as happy as a clam in this anyway and gets what he wants out of the relationship. You do not and that is equally valid.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you? You've already suggested divorce and btw you can still do this anyway. Who died and made him king? He is not the sole arbiter of your life.

Is it somehow easier to stay within this out of habit or the sunken costs fallacy (I see that idea has already been mooted by another poster). That basically causes you to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

Better to be apart and happier than be together and miserable. I would also think your children notice the overall lack of affection and interaction between you. This goes well beyond the bedroom and spills out into your whole home life. They pick up on far more than you perhaps both care to realise.

What do you think they are learning from the two of you about relationships here?.

[Curviest]

As you are on such good terms, I cannot understand why you don't ask your husband's permission to take a lover (should a suitable person show up in your life). He can hardly say no, and condemn you to a sexless life till you die. If he says yes then it's not cheating. Plenty of people have had this arrangement in the past.

Would that work for you?

[Nearlyhadenough]

I asked my H for an open relationship - he went crazy! Said he couldn't accept me sleeping with anyone else....

I had an offer of as much sex as I wanted from a mutual friend (he thought he could help save the marriage). I didn't take up the offer.

I joined one of the online sites for married people looking for an affair. I did e-mail a couple of men, but nothing more than that. It had seemed like such a good solution, but when it came to it, it wasn't for me. I think that as H had previously had an affair, I didn't want to be like him.

Good luck in whatever you do.

[limon]

No I wouldn't. and haven't. but you're entitled to l if you wish.

[MeMySonAndl]

Lily, do you really prefer to sleep with people who do not want you full time and stay full time with a man who doesn't want to have sex with you?

Honestly, if you are doing it for your children, I do not believe you. Do you want your children to learn that the relationship you have with your husband is what they should expect of a long term relationship? And that is ok to have sex with other people while in a committed relationship?

If you are ok with that fine, but if you prefer them not to assume that's what relationships are about, be brave and take the plunge. If you are worried about surviving on your own, work to increase your financial independence before you leave, you can get some help to support you until you can support yourself (check entitledto.org.uk for a calculation).

It is often far more difficult to take the decision to divorce than dealing with the consequences of it. Personal y, the only regret I have is staying far too long, things would have been much easier if I had not waited that long.

[Froginapan]

Being tied to an unhappy relationship for the rest of your life that you've tried to fix is good enough reason to leave in my book.

[HelenaDove]

Nearly your H is a controlling hypocrite!!

[Nearlyhadenough]

HelenaDove - Yes! He is, but it took a long time to see. I am on my way out.

[HelenaDove]

Hes not likely to get physically abusive is he?

[Kallyno]

I could do without sex. It would be hard but if I had to I could do it. I couldn't do without physical and emotional intimacy. An open relationship is unlikely to solve your problem of a relationship lacking in intimacy and spark, though it may solve the frustration and sadness of a lack of sex. It sounds like your marriage is over. Be brave and leave him.