I have ended an affair

[guffspeak]

And I'm devastated, both married, flame away I deserve it
Talked for weeks all very emotional stuff, absolutely fell for it, how gorgeous I am etc, met up, didn't have sex but played around a bit
In contact all day every day, I started to have feelings for him and told him
Surprise surprise he doesn't feel the same and just wants sex and fun
I'm heartbroken and don't know how to get over it
I know it's all my own fault and I deserve every bit of unhappiness
I'm just so upset and feel like a fool

No judging from me. Just wanted to say listen to Lyingwitch, she's helped me so much in the past.

It's over now and you have the opportunity to decide to focus on your marriage and to decide what you want to do. To remember what first attracted you to your husband and to work at getting that back or to walk away.

Believe me, StillSeith, OP realises what is going on. She can't fail to - and hasn't. 'Flame away' is something that posters say when they expect to be flamed - it doesn't mean that they should be. There's harsh and there's helpful. Harsh is for the spouter, it only gives them something and lends nothing in support.

There are altogether too many posters who frequent relationships board who think that OW/OM are fair game for insults. They aren't and it doesn't have a place on this board, it's supposed to be supportive. We don't have to agree with what OP has done but you'd have to be very hard to feel free to namecall and denigrate somebody who has made some poor decisions, has realised this and wants to change their situation.

For any other life 'mistakes', unwanted pregnancies, hitting partner, abusing alcohol or drugs, etc., there is massive support. This really isn't any different but OW/OM get to receive so much vitriol and spite and it's not ok.

If OP were posting, delighting in her affair and wanting to regale the board with tales then I would post differently because I won't be party to that. This thread is different.

Just so it's clear, I would say the same to a man posting about cheating on his wife. There are fewer men who post about this.

it's supposed to be supportive.

Supportive doesn't mean agreeing.

OP ended the affair because he didn't want more. She doesn't want to and never has wanted to leave he DH.

That is extremly selfish and self centred and having a complete disregard for others, whatever way you with your dress it up.

That's what I said in my post, Oranges. OP could have carried on, taken the 'scraps', she isn't doing that and has walked away.

Yes, having an affair is selfish, so is taking more than your fair share, so is having children. Human beings are inherently selfish. I'm not an advocate for affairs, not at all, but when I see somebody acknowledging their selfishness and trying to put it behind them, I'm not going to put the boot in. I think I've been very clear on where I stand on this issue, the vitriol - whilst possibly understandable - isn't ok.

Lying I think it is easy to support someone who has been abused by their partner because that person has been abused. In the case of an affair, the person cheating is, in effect, the abuser.

You've done the right thing by ending it. Try and be strong enough to block his number so he can't contact you again because if he messages you at the wrong time you will reply, and it will all start again.

I've been the OW, believe me, it's hell on earth and once feelings come into it then you're onto very shaky ground. It fucks with your head, it's intolerable.

Get out now, don't tell your DH but you do need to either make it work with him or walk away, an affair is not the answer.

Lying are we reading different posts?? Where has the Op acknowledged her selfishness? She's posting on MN because she wants to talk about the OM. Which is why she keeps mentioning him, he's kind, he's lovely, he texted me X Y Z. Classic OW

She stopped messing around with him because she wanted more than what he was offering, not because she realised she was hurting her family. They didn't come into it. I guarantee this isn't the end of the affair. And if not with this guy, with another.

I'm struck by the OPs complete lack of remorse. And yep it's a sore point for me because my father destroyed my mother and my family with this kind of shit. This is MN and we see people absolutely broken posting about their partners affairs day in and day out, forgive me for not giving the OP a big hug and telling her not to beat herself up about it, but I think she should be having a long, long think about how close she's coming to ripping her family to bits.

StillSeth, Yep, it is always easier to support the non-wrongdoer. I find that too but it's not always where the support is needed most... and OP's husband isn't posting here.

Just wanted to add something to BettySwollocks good advice - yes - absolutely make sure that he can't contact you again because IF he does and YOU fall for it, you will be backintheaffairunderHISterms and this isn't what you need at all.

The fact that the OP wanted more from this man speaks volumes about the fact that this wasn't actually just a cheap shag for her. The fact that she ended it because he didn't want more should be a wake-up call to her that her marriage is in trouble, and if she didn't realise that before embarking on an affair, she needs to do some serious thinking as to what has gone so wrong in her marriage that has led her in the direction of attention from someone else.

OP, you've ended the affair, but this isn't over. You know deep down that if this man had agreed to more you would still be involved with him, and it would only be a matter of time before you slept together.

You say that he's been honest with you and is being nice to you. Listen to what he's said to you. He's saying that monogamy isn't for him. that sex and fun outside of his marriage is perfectly acceptable to him, so much so that he's prepared to be up-front about it. You don't want to be with him because of this, but the reasons why you turned to him in the first place still remain. You loved being texted first thing in the morning, called beautiful, all the other attention he gave you. But you know that this is just the beginnings of relationship stuff. It's the stuff which draws us to people in the first place, but no amount of good morning texts will pay the bills, be a husband, be a father to your children, be all the things which a well-rounded, solid relationship should have.

You know that it's not just being called beautiful that's missing from your marriage or you could have a discussion and bring that back. So think about what it is you want from a marriage, and what in your marriage doesn't give you that, and then work on those things.

As for the OM, delete his number. He's gone. He's not interested, he doesn't love you, he probably texts ten other women the same thing every day. And then start to divert the attention you've been giving to your OM to your marriage, either to work on the things that are wrong in the marriage, and for that you will need communication with your DH, or to end the marriage and seek the happiness you are looking for somewhere else.

It's ok to end an unhappy marriage, even if it's to a good man. Relationships end, that's life. Equally it's ok to realise after being stupid enough to be drawn to someone else that the marriage is in fact what you want, and to work on that to put it right.

But you need to do one or the other or in a year's time you will be back where you are now.

There's worse things we can do than fall a little bit in love with another human, after all, we're surrounded by 1000's of them every year of our lives, & plenty of people are pretty damn wonderful. & being married doesn't necessarily protect us from this, even if we're happily married. If we strip it back, what's actually wrong with another person making us feel alive & wonderful? But when we're married & committed to another, it's wrong & deceitful & we're awful people, which is what f**ks us up because we hate what we love, we feel highs & lows & drive ourselves mad. Eventually we come to our senses and realize there's more to lose than gain & get back on track.
But I could never 'put the boot in' just because someone developed normal & natural feelings. It can happen to the best of us.
( if you do it again & again & sleep with them all than that's a different story, leave your poor dh & stop taking the piss )
But a one off? nah, can happen to anyone.

I'll be honest; it doesn't read like you want to be with your dh.

He's a nice man. Great. But that doesn't mean you love him!

Unless you're a bit of a player who likes the rush, there was a reason you had your head turned and you got into this.

Yes, it was exciting etc but why did you start in the first place?

Guilt or feeling sorry for someone isn't a reason to stay in a marriage.

You're deciding not to tell him so you're effectively taking his chance to choose whether he wants to continue a marriage with a cheat away from him.

Saving you own skin or avoiding a fall out isn't reason enough to do that.

If you're truly sorry (and you don't sound sorry) then yeah, it might be worth saving.

But it sounds like this affair would have continued should OM have wanted it to be a real relationship.

So your dh is an unwanted consolation prize. That's pretty grim.

Don't mean to sound harsh but you played with fire and got burnt. I really don't understand why people have affairs leave your husband and continue whatever you want to do. It's so selfish and mean to do that to your husband. Marriage is something sacred and should be respected if your unhappy just ends things. Not only do you have to live with that guilt but you also hurt another wife I'm not blaming just you he is a dirtbag but as women we should stick together not sleep with each other's husbands. Sorry to sound mean but you need to come clean and try to work on your marriage or get a divorce I hope you understand that an affair is never the answer. Xx

Lying I speak from very bitter experience - I was never strong
enough to block him, fell for it time and time again. Hindsight is a wonderful thing hey

Isn't it just, Betty, 20:20 so they say.

I can't understand why posters flock to a thread that is going to cause them such personal pain... but they do.

9maverick, no, I don't think we are reading the same thread. The OP has barely posted on this one in 90 messages. She's spoken about the OM three times including the first post, saying how he makes her feel. She hasn't posted about how SHE feels about HIM, which is what I read many enthralled OW doing because they want to talk about him all the time.

I just don't read that in the OP or anywhere else. She was expecting a kicking, didn't get that across the board and has subsequently posted about getting out of this, away from him. It's not the same, 9maverick and, if you have seen OW threads here that are mostly 'squeee' then you'll make the distinction.

You make 'guarantees' in your post that you just can't know. I have 'experience in this line' and I wouldn't be able to make them; I wouldn't even try. Those of us who have been in OP's position are counselling against making the wrong subsequent decisions that would take OP back there, ie. not blocking OM (she must).

With respect, I think you are projecting your own sad experiences of your father's infidelity onto the OP and that isn't fair. Whilst people do refer to a 'script', it's never as black and white as all that, no matter how much people try to reduce it down ready for pigeon-holing.

OP - when things are tough and even when we don't realise things are tough we all look for a little mental escapism. This is what OM provided you with, it wasn't love, not friendship or concern just a nice escape. He offered you a different world that you could dip in and out of, a world where your were beautiful and wanted...wanted by him, but then reality snaps and yes he wanted you in fantasy world too, but just not in reality, what's more is you don't want him in reality either you really don't. It's hard to analyse properly when your in it, but, what you wanted was not him, it wasn't him at all, what you wanted was the way he made you feel. If in the world of reality had you left your DH and OM left his DW to be with you the heady feeling you were getting from OM would all but be gone and what would be left over would be the ruins and destruction of both your broken marriages.

As for telling your DH, that's a tough one and I will tell you why. Having been in the position your DH is in I can tell you that when I found out (I wasn't told, had to discover it for myself) I was shattered into a million pieces. At the time I was glad to finally know the truth as I had really thought I was going crazy and questioning my own sanity. Later though I really wished I could un-know it because it changed the way I felt about my OH forever (yes I stayed) and it wasn't something that could be changed back or mended. Bridges were built and fences were mended but what was lost in finding out can never be put back. On the whole though it was best for me to find out (would have been better had I been told as it all would have been more honest) as I don't think we would have survived without it. It's a tough choice to make and there is not hard and fast right and wrong. If you don't tell him you will have to live with the shame and the secret forever, if you do tell him you shatter him and he man never feel the same about you. Just know that being honest with your DH doesn't necessarily mean the end of your marriage but it does certainly mean a lot of change and a lot of emotionally hard work for both of you and it may all be better and it may not. Take your time and think things through and I wish you all the best

Thanks to the poster for telling me to fuck off and that I have contributed nothing to the thread = agree with OP, give her sympathy and say it's ok!

Nope - you cheat, you lie to your partner and your OM does the same to his - the OP ended it because the OM was offering her nothing more than secret shags - I think my advise was perfect:
"your marriage is crap and you can't love your OH and yes I feel sorry for him and for the OM's wife".

You are lucky. Had a wake up call. I am a betrayed spouse. Say no more. Please do the right thing by your husband.

Unfortunately, I think your marriage is all but over.

You would have slept with this man, had he told you that he wanted more than just a fling. In my experience, if a woman is ready and willing to have sex with OM, then she has emotionally checked out of her marriage.

Please remind yourself, that the OM is not a nice guy. Far, far from it. He has a wife, and he is looking to shag other women on the side, whilst she knows absolutely nothing of his seedy shenannigans. She is looking after his kids, washing his smalls, and no doubt doing most of the chores, and her reward is to be lied to daily and no doubt be exposed to STD's. Would you want him as your Husband? He is NO catch.

Those nice texts you received every morning.... he was probably holed up in the bathroom, hiding away from his wife (who he just was lying next to all night), hell, he probably sent them whilst having his morning dump.

And, you won't be the only woman he was texting, these guys always have a few on the go.

My advice would be to think about leaving your DH, because I suspect that you really aren't in love with him anymore. You're allowed to leave, it doesn't make you a bad person, people change....and there will be a reason that you don't love your DH any more - maybe he isn't that nice to you, you don't say?

Certainly forgive yourself this minor indiscretion. You were emotionally vulnerable and the the OM is the type of guy to smell that at 500 yards, and swooped in trying to get a shag. At least you didn't do it.

Don't tell your DH, no good will come of that.

Please remind yourself, that the OM is not a nice guy. Far, far from it. He has a wife, and he is looking to shag other women on the side, whilst she knows absolutely nothing of his seedy shenannigans. She is looking after his kids, washing his smalls, and no doubt doing most of the chores, and her reward is to be lied to daily and no doubt be exposed to STD's. Would you want him as your Husband? He is NO catch.

By the same count then swap the OM for the OP.

Her DH knows nothing of her shenanigans and she has been opening him up to STDS and lied to daily.

Lyingwitch - I always look forward to hearing your spite, it's so funny that a stranger can be so full of so much hate, I think you need a large slice of this witch (very appropriate name) - in your gob.

OP, I'd have some sympathy for you if you had actually mentioned the hurt you were causing to not just your family unit but the OW's, I don't get the impression you really want to stay with your OH, he's nice but that's about it, I think the right thing to do would be to leave him so he can find someone who will love him unconditionally, I can't imagine wanting to be with anyone who was pinning over another man.

*Lying said "OP's marriage is the business of NOBODY on Mumsnet."

Oh scary lol.

I think I've been really quite clear in my posts. I'm not going to engage with posters wanting to kick the OP either.

Then why are you then lol - you've had a go at quite a few of us that disagree with affairs - you spout some crap!

It's quite clear that had the OM also expressed he had feelings for the OP, she wouldn't have posted here because she'd have been blissfully happy to carry on, yet still not wanting to end her marriage.

Those feelings would only have gotten deeper and deeper, until you pretty much detach from your DH and become less intetested in him lapping up everything the OM says and does.

Without you realising it you just pull away from your DH and I can tell you this happened recently to a MW. She was so embroiled in the affair that she barely flinched when her DH left her.

Months later OM has a dday and totally blanks her. They work together so it was awful. She was hoping they'd have a future together. Now he walks past like she's invisible and she asks whether she should contact her DH to reconcile. Now she says she loves him, but it's too late.

Her DH knew something was off. He had no proof of the affair so he just left and now she's sad and lonely. Don't let this be you OP