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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have ended an affair

127 replies

guffspeak · 13/06/2016 18:26

And I'm devastated, both married, flame away I deserve it
Talked for weeks all very emotional stuff, absolutely fell for it, how gorgeous I am etc, met up, didn't have sex but played around a bit
In contact all day every day, I started to have feelings for him and told him
Surprise surprise he doesn't feel the same and just wants sex and fun
I'm heartbroken and don't know how to get over it
I know it's all my own fault and I deserve every bit of unhappiness
I'm just so upset and feel like a fool

OP posts:
oncemoreuntothebreachoncemore · 13/06/2016 22:29

Moral issues aside, how likely is he to find out? If there is any chance at all anyone else knows about what happened it is in your interests to tell him yourself. The thing about keeping something like this a secret is that it could blow a hole in your marriage years down the line when you thought it was forgotten about.

DrMorbius · 13/06/2016 22:31

Frankly I don't care about the Op, she chose her path. Its her DH I feel sorry for. Remember him?? the innocent victim??. The one being excluded and kept from the truth by everyone who says don't tell him.

ClopySow · 13/06/2016 22:35

If you don't care, why bother posting?

DrMorbius · 13/06/2016 22:37

If you don't care, why bother posting? Is it not clear? I am posting for her DH (the innocent victim)

HarryElephante · 13/06/2016 22:39

He's not a victim. He doesn't know. And he should never know.

ClopySow · 13/06/2016 22:45

Are you good chums then? You and her DH?

AnyFucker · 13/06/2016 22:47

Just because her H doesn't know, doesn't mean he isn't a victim

It's very possible he has been in agony for the duration of his wife's affair...wondering where he has gone wrong, blaming himself for his wife's distance, doing the Pick Me Dance, inadvertently exposed to sexually transmitted diseases etc

He deserves to know what turbulence his marriage has been subjected to, and why. I leave that to the OP's conscience though. She is the one posting here, not him.

Would I want to know in his position ? Dead right, I would.

SilverBirchWithout · 13/06/2016 22:50

Only you can decide whether it is right for you (& DH) to tell your husband. Don't listen to people's advice one way or the other.

The need to be honest (to assuage your guilt) can also be cruel to someone else's piece of mind. If you do decide to tell him, do it for the right reasons and not just because it will make you feel better. Wait until you have a bit more perspective on what this 'relationship' was, why you needed it and what you then feel about it.

Try to not look to kindly on this OM, it sounds like he was up for a bit of a shag behind his DP's back, maybe he's done it before, he certainly seems to be going all out to come over as Mr nice and honest. Would you honestly want a long term relationship with him if it was an option?

Remember your feelings are about projecting some sort of emotional need on him that may need fulfilling in some other way.

You don't mention whether you have any DC, but if you do - being a DW & DM for several years can sometimes mean the part of you which wants to be seen as a feminine, sexy and an interesting individual beyond those roles can disappear in all the day to day ordinariness of everyday life. That's why an emotional/physical affair feels so alluring and gives you such a drug-like high. You need to work through the next few weeks like you are giving up a highly additictive drug.

Focus on getting through each day at a time. Reward yourself in same ways for each hurdle you get through. Find ways to fill you head with other thoughts if you find yourself thinking about him. Take up a physical activity like swimming or running, adrenalin helps a bit to replace the high. Also be prepared to feel a bit depressed, and have a sense of loss.

cannotlogin · 13/06/2016 22:53

It is not about 'wanting to kick the OP'. It is about remembering there are two people in a marriage and both deserve to be standing on an equal footing. My ex had a long affair - had I known earlier, I would have had two less children with him and have been several years younger at the point it fell a part. Maybe I'd have had the opportunity to have had a family with a decent guy and frankly, that should have been my decision to make, not someone who had no respect for me whatsoever.

This is a public forum. Anyone can post. Plenty of people here have been where the OPs husband has been and, crucially, would have wanted the opportunity to make their own minds up. This is an affair, a deal breaker for many. The OP needs to face that head on, not pretend it hasn't happened.

KindDogsTail · 13/06/2016 23:01

I think you are a strong person not to have been instantly completely involved, and now to have walked away.

It is right that you may need to grieve, as someone else said Flowers

Try to work out why you needed this possible entrancement and escape. What was drugging was giving you unreal visions.

Somewhere within all this there may be a message about things you are longing for that can come from within yourself perhaps, rather than another (fantasy) man. Unless your marriage truly is wrong for you - in which case this man would not be the answer to that problem.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/06/2016 23:03

When OP's husband posts here then posters can support him. The OP has posted for support, not necessarily a 'pat on the back'. She has ended an affair, not decided to carry on with one so there's no need to treat her as if she is some kind of leper. She isn't.

Nobody here can realistically advise OP on the best course of action for her marriage, SilverBirch is right about that; either way, OP will need to decide for herself but one course of action has the potential for placing OP's marriage is jeopardy and again, OP's marriage is her business. Nobody here has any investment in the outcome.

Yes, anybody can post here but projecting your own circumstances and taking out your own personal hurt on the OP is unfair; take it up with your own partners.

AddToBasket · 13/06/2016 23:05

Cannotlogin - stop projecting. This is the OP's thread, your advice to tell her husband comes from your bitterness not from any genuine concern for her family.

OP, be kind to yourself, yes, it was a mistake and it sounds as though you are paying for it, and have done the right thing. It is over now. Limit the hurt, don't pass it on.

cannotlogin · 13/06/2016 23:12

There is a marriage here that is clearly in trouble. It will take the honest work of both parties to make it work. Both parties have a right to call it a day based on all the facts. Except one party doesn't have those facts. Support isn't always in the form of what we want to hear, sometimes seeing a situation from all angles can help us make sense of it. Up to the OP what she discards or takes on board.

cannotlogin · 13/06/2016 23:14

Hahahahaha ....wondered how long it would take to trot out the 'bitterness'. Hilarious.

SandyY2K · 13/06/2016 23:15

Affairs are addictive by their very nature. You show your best side to the OM and he to you. You don't have the domestic stress along with kids or bills that are present in a committed relationship.

Do you think he's that way to his wife? No. Because the new relationship feel has worn off with her.

Men are great at seperating sex and emotion. Women fall strong and hard in the main and get heartbroken.

You may not realise it but people in affairs often behave differently and this tends to raise suspicion. If you have no fear of destroying your marriage, then that's fine, but otherwise consider what you have to loose.

MMs usually just want an extra side dish for variety and have no intention of leaving their marriages.

I'll PM you a useful link for women in affairs. You'll see that lots of the stories are similar.

LondonStill83 · 13/06/2016 23:36

Op, from my view, there can be some good that can come from telling your partner, if you want to work on your marriage. Only you can decide that.

About a year ago, DH and I were in a pretty bad place, and I was seriously thinking about leaving. He knew this and we were both trying to work on things, largely with no change.

Unsurprisingly, at the same time, I started developing feelings for someone else. Again unsurprisingly, this person offered the counter to all the things I was struggling over with DH. I really thought about leaving DH when I had these feelings, not "for the other man" (I can't say why as it would put me but I knew they were 100% not returned), but because the comparison between how I felt with OM was so strong against how I then felt towards DH.

I went a way for a few days to think. I thought about all the goodness in my marriage and in DH, and so I came home and I told him I was committed to making us work, and that I had feelings for someone else. I was clear (and honest) that nothing had ever happened with the OM, even of the emotional affair ilk. Just that I had feelings, and those feelings had scared me into turning my focus back to DH and to working on us with both hands in the pot, so to speak.

We're much better now! Very strong and in fact 23 weeks pregnant!

Perhaps this is your scare? Could telling your DH about it perhaps lead to looking at things more deeply, with the aim to repair?

What do you want with DH going forward- that is the real question.

memyselfandaye · 13/06/2016 23:36

Nobody is bigging the OP up, they just aren't calling her the whore, slut, slapper or slag that clearly some posters would like to see, she didn't even come here asking for advice.

As for whoever said they were posting on behalf of the husband, what a pile of sanctimonious wank.

She's just anonymous woman in cyberspace confessing a secret. I don't know why people take it so personally, it's her marriage, her life and her feelings. Not something for a bunch of strangers to get so wound up over.

DianaMitford · 13/06/2016 23:56

I posted quickly earlier when I saw the nature of the thread. I assumed others were going to pile in and shout her down and call her names. I wanted to be supportive. I'm so glad that I was wrong and the vast majority of this thread is decent and helpful.

Original poster
guffspeak · 14/06/2016 02:49

again thank you so much for the mostly supportive comments, its ten to three and as you can tell i am not sleeping. I am not going to tell dh and he has no idea what has happened, i never wanted to leave him, but its clear we need to work on some stuff. Actually some things are in progress which may take a lot of stress off dh and our marriage, so im hopefull we can can re kindle what we used to have

OP posts:
9maverickbars · 14/06/2016 07:30

The hypocrisy on this thread is astounding.

OP doesn't care about her DH, the whole thread is about OM and how the OP has been affected. She's feeling upset, shes feeling heartbroken, she's devastated. * Not a mention of the DH whose probably been going out of his mind wondering what's going on over the last goodness knows how long and is probably still is. Because you realise OP* that if you are as heartbroken as you say you are then he will be able to see that written all over you. I am shocked that most of the posters on the thread then indulge that and give the op the attention she clearly craves. Op mentions herself she has no intention of leaving her DH, she just planned to string him along indefinitely while shagging another guy. Lovely!

OP fwiw I think you need to have a big think about your behaviour and how it can hurt your DH. If you don't plan to remain faithful (in guessing this won't be the last time you stray) then he needs to know and to be able to make a decision about whether he wants to stay with you, it's only the rest of his fucking life, after all.

DianaMitford · 14/06/2016 08:29

Maverick - the OP has posted here looking for advice for HERSELF. That's the bloody point, not to canvass opinion on how her dh may feel or be thinking at the moment.

Posts like yours are deeply unhelpful. If you don't like the subject matter then stay away.

CoolforKittyCats · 14/06/2016 08:33

I can't imagine any of the husbands would be the remotest bit interested

You seriously don't think a DH would be interested if his DW was having an affair!!!

OP you didn't end it your OM did

CoolforKittyCats · 14/06/2016 08:36

Posts like yours are deeply unhelpful. If you don't like the subject matter then stay away.

Party of helping the OP is making them realise that there are others involved in this not just her and OM.

What she has done is extremly selfish, especially as they say they have no intention of leaving their DH. It'seems called having your cake and eating it.

Also as long as it is within the MNHQ talk guidelines you can't dictate what posters do or don't post.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/06/2016 08:39

They can't, Diana, they just have to join threads to spread venom wherever they can. The projecting on this thread is in epic proportions.

CoolforKittyCats... Just how did you manage to misunderstand that post? I meant that the husband wouldn't be interested in the spiteful women on this thread who behave as if they are waiting in the wings for his marriage to end...

For the record, OM didn't end the affair. He told the OP that he just wants sex and fun - so OP ended it. Did you not manage to read OP's posts properly either?

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 14/06/2016 08:45

Lying said "OP's marriage is the business of NOBODY on Mumsnet."

Except for the fact that she has come here on MN to tell us about the affair she had while she is married...

And actually, she appears to have come here to hear the harsh stuff as well as the "there, there, OP" stuff as she actually said in her OP "flame away"!

Sometimes, in real life and on MN, it's the harsh blunt stuff that helps someone really realize what's been going on and what they need to address and sometimes just doing "there, there" actually isn't helpful longer term.