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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

i phoned womens aid today...now im panicking

94 replies

feelinghopeless33 · 08/06/2016 23:30

Hello everybody
I finally took the plunge today and phoned the womens aid helpline for a chat/to try and get some advice on how to build my confidence to get out of an awful relationship im in but they needed to do a referral and were asking all sorts of questions about my boyfriends name,address what he does for a job etc and i panicked and lied .... im so scared somehow he might know the person on the phone or something ( stupid i know ) and it will get bk to him and make things even worse than they are already
Has anyone else had to phone them before????
Its really gutted me that ive had to take that step but im at my wits end feel like im going mad with the head games and dont know where to turn....have i done the right thing???

OP posts:

tipsytrifle · 08/06/2016 23:45

I haven't had to phone WA so don't know what their protocol is. My shit went down before WA or MN were available. I think, given the circumstances that lying to them was a mistake. Understandable, since you panicked, but a mistake even so. I am sure you've done the right thing phoning WA and wonder if you would consider calling them back to re-do the initial convo and replace lies with truth?

UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying · 08/06/2016 23:52

Could you call them back and explain how you panicked. I think they would be very happy to explain their confidentiality policies and why they have asked for that information/how it will be used. If you feel reassured you could then give them the correct information.

Well done for calling.

Original poster

feelinghopeless33 · 08/06/2016 23:53

Thank you and yeah i was really panicked ive never admitted the stuff that goes on to anyone but my best friend so when she asked for his name i panicked and thought she might know him :(

OP posts:

HirplesWithHaggis · 09/06/2016 00:02

Please phone them back. You won't be the first, or last, woman to react the way you did.

I'm a former WA worker, and can promise you that your confidentiality will be taken very, very seriously. I have no idea why they asked the questions they did, it's years since I worked for them and policies will have changed, but every single WA worker has your safety at the very top of their agenda.

Even if the worker does know your bf, even if he's her brother, she will disclose nothing to him.

Redisthenewblack · 09/06/2016 00:52

Hi OP,
I'm sorry you're in a situation where you have had to call WA. I have been there. I called them a few times during the separation process from my exh.

They asked me all of the same questions. By the time I called them I was past giving a fuck and gave them all of his info.

I would assume it is used for their records and to be able to help in any situation where 2/3/4 women all call about the same person. (Claires Law is it called?)

They have never contacted my ex. They have never used any of the information I have given them in any way other than to point me in the direction of the appropriate support/legal advice. In fact they have never even contacted me unless I have initiated it. They are very discrete.

As pp have said, please call them back and discuss their data protection policies.

If you'd like any anonymous support on what you're going through feel free to post. There are a lot of very wise MNers willing to share a their experiences and advice.

Hearing that you've taken the steps to call WA in the first place is a massively positive step and something you should feel very proud of. Stay safe.

whattodowiththepoo · 09/06/2016 06:02

I think it's completely understandable that you panicked and I'm sure they will understand as well, think about giving them a call back and telling them you panicked and lied.
They might be able to soothe your fear and convince you they can help, if they can't then just don't tell them.
Please try calling again.

goddessofsmallthings · 09/06/2016 06:20

I'm sorry your call to WA didn't meet with the response you were hoping for.

Did you call the national helpline? If so, click on this link www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ and scroll down to find your nearest WA service and make contact with them direct.

You're not obliged to answer any questions you feel may put you at risk and, should any arise when talking to your local service, I suggest you say that you feel too scared/insecure to disclose identifying informaton about your bf at the present time

I also suggest you ask to meet face to face with a WA worker as they will be best placed to give you the reassurance and confidence you need to break free of this abusive relationship.

AdelindSchade · 09/06/2016 06:43

WA are really tight on confidentiality for obvious reasons. I work in social care and they don't even tell other professionals stuff if it isn't totally necessary. Also they will be really completely understanding that you are scared, just phone back and explain. I'm sure you don't have to give them all details at the moment if you don't want to either.

Original poster

feelinghopeless33 · 15/06/2016 19:50

Hi im back....sorry and thank you for the replies have had trouble with my internet so just got back online
I phoned w.a back and they have tried to reassure me why they need his details etc, im still really nervous but the lady said she would call back tomorrow to do the referral and then book me an appt ... i know ive got to go and speak to them i feel so isolated and got no one to talk to about whats been happening so hopefully they will be able to help.....

OP posts:

Sassypants82 · 15/06/2016 20:15

They will, hang on in there

Original poster

feelinghopeless33 · 15/06/2016 20:25

Im feeling really panicky tonight everythings rolling round in my head and cant seem to distract myself :(

OP posts:

Dragongirl10 · 15/06/2016 20:42

Well done for phoning...... your anxiety is totally to be expected, just take it one hour at a time...plan what you have to do in the next hour and don't panic about beyond that...you know you are on the way to a better future just keep holding the picture of what you want your future to be...you will get there.

Do you have DC?

Original poster

feelinghopeless33 · 15/06/2016 20:54

Yes i have 3.... i keep having panic attacks ( is what i was told they are ) never had one before but now they are most days this week has been terrible

OP posts:

Dragongirl10 · 15/06/2016 21:10

Panic attacks are horrible but the fear of them is the worst bit, just breathe as steadily as you can, count 1,2,3 breathe in and 1,2,3 out until it passes they are very common...and a result of the stress you have been living under but they will gradually go.

Keep looking at your lovelyDCs and focus on doing this for a better future for them...you can be so happy and peaceful together once you have left him behind.

Are you scared of him?

Original poster

feelinghopeless33 · 15/06/2016 21:13

Erm im not sure if he would physically attack me but the mental mind games and verbal aggression have turned me into a nervous wreck
I love him to bits ( but dont know why ) and all i want is for him to be nice to me i wish i could find the right thing to do to make that happen
Hes away this week on a lads holiday and i think thats made me feel even more panicky than him being here ... i know thats probably daft

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/06/2016 21:22

There is nothing you could do to make him be nice to you. He is not a "being nice" kind of person. It is not a reaction to you. It is who he is.

Original poster

feelinghopeless33 · 15/06/2016 21:29

Yeah i really hope its not me.... sorry for ranting feel a bit of a mess tonight and i havent got anyone in rl to talk to

OP posts:

Dragongirl10 · 15/06/2016 21:41

how can you love someone who is so horrible to you? you deserve much better than that, you cannot make him like,love or even be nice to you he is what you hear and see.

you deserve to be treated with respect, listened to without criticism, talked to kindly ...that is what normal relationships are like.

He is responsible for his behavior, nothing you say or do makes him be so vile. There is a life better than this for you.

Original poster

feelinghopeless33 · 15/06/2016 21:45

I dont know how i can i know its stupid :( sorry

OP posts:

Dragongirl10 · 15/06/2016 21:48

Its not stupid..please there is no need to say you are sorry.......l have to ask do you not get mad that he treats you like this .....l am furious just hearing your story!

Is there anything we can help you with on here?

Original poster

feelinghopeless33 · 15/06/2016 21:55

Sometimes i do but i cant seem to stick to angry i just get hurt and then try to do more to please him so hopefully ill mean something to him
Im not sure how anyone can help i feel at rock bottom tonight have no one in rl to talk to and dont feel like im living only just about surviving ... i dont even know who i anymore my life revolves around him as im so lonely and now hes gone away i feel so lost which makes me think ill never be strong enough to leave :(

OP posts:

bluecashmere · 15/06/2016 22:10

I've been there. I told only one person about what was happening and was a wreck. I had a face to face with WA and a massive weight was lifted. After that things didn't change over night but I slowly got ready to let other people know and eventually I left. You've already made the first step.

Original poster

feelinghopeless33 · 15/06/2016 22:12

Hes messed with my head so much before this holiday hes gone on that now i feel like a nervous wreck while hes away i cant settle i feel so panicky dont know what to do

OP posts:

SingaSong12 · 15/06/2016 22:14

((((Feelinghopeless33))))

Do phone them back. I'm sure they will understand. If you can't bring yourself to phone that organisation back yourself could you go along to your doctor and they may be able to help?

aLeafFalls · 15/06/2016 22:23

Oh Op, this is so sad to hear. Your boyfriend deliberately messed with your head before he left, to keep you in line.

You're being so, so brave. Please keep taking steps forward, even of they're tiny baby steps.

I've been where you are now. When I first called WA I was nearly hysterical with fear, yet I felt terribly disloyal, which my ex had trained me to be. I too thought I loved him do much I couldn't survive without him.

But we've been apart nearly 18 months now and within a very, very short time I realised I didn't love him and I would survive and thrive without him. I wouldn't have thought it possible at one time.

I hope you can use this time when he's gone to get away from him. I was in my marriage for nearly 20 years and it did damage my children. I had no support, no Mumsnet, nothing. But mumsnet is here for you as are WA. Please take the help offered and find your happy life.

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